Fallout
“Well, you’ve got some explaining to do” were the words that had broken the tense silence in the holding cell when Harry finally arrived. Teddy had simply replied with “I know”, and he hadn’t said another single word while they exited the police station. Harry had come by car, which at least explained why it had taken him a couple of hours to get there. Teddy was initially confused as to why he hadn’t just apparated, but as Luke got into the backseat, carefully avoiding eye contact with Teddy, he realised that simply by showing up to bail them out, Harry had assumed responsibility for getting them both home.
Luke directed Harry to his flat from the backseat, his occasional instructions to turn left or right the only thing breaking the painful silence. Teddy didn’t dare say anything to either of them, sinking down in his seat, wishing he had a hood to pull over his head and disappear into. The cold disappointment emanating from Harry was nothing compared to how disappointed Teddy was in himself. He could practically still feel Luke’s lips on his own, and the thought disgusted him. How could he have sunk so low? To betray James like that. To drag Luke of all people into this shitshow. This was maybe the worst thing he had ever done. And he didn’t even want to think about what the expression on James’s face was going to be when he found out. Because there was no way he wouldn’t. If Teddy didn’t tell him, then Luke sure as hell would.
Teddy looked down at his hands as they drove, examining his rather bashed in and bloodied knuckles impassively. It had been long enough since his last drink that he should probably be starting to sober up by now, but he still felt quite out of it. Maybe it was the lateness of the hour, or just the aftermath of everything that had happened. Teddy could barely remember any details of the actual fight itself, but he knew he was probably lucky to have come away from it as unscathed as he had. He had been so stupid. The whole thing had been so stupid.
The car pulled up outside Luke’s apartment building and Harry switched the engine off. Now the silence really was deafening, and Teddy had no idea what to do as Luke quietly thanked Harry before getting out of the car. He said nothing whatsoever to Teddy, didn’t even look at him as he exited the vehicle and walked up to the building. Teddy watched him go in silence, wondering vaguely where he was going to end up staying tonight. His wand was still in Luke’s flat, and he had no way of getting into his own apartment without it. Still, he wasn’t sure it was a good idea for him to be following Luke up there tonight. Luke had certainly given the impression that he didn’t want him to. Teddy supposed he could hardly blame him for that.
“Where am I taking you, then?” Harry asked him flatly, apparently thinking along the same lines. Teddy turned back to him apprehensively.
“I don’t know” he replied honestly. “My wand is here” he gestured towards Luke’s building. “And I don’t have my flat key.” That was also inside Luke’s apartment, in the suitcase Teddy had been living out of.
“Are you not staying here, then?” Harry asked, frowning confusedly.
“Doesn’t look like it, does it?” Teddy replied grimly. Harry continued to stare at him, unimpressed, for a moment or two, before turning back to the steering wheel and starting the engine up again.
“Looks like you’re coming with me, then, doesn’t it?” he muttered, looking behind him to see if it was safe to pull out.
“Umm” was all Teddy could manage in response. He didn’t really see any alternative, and he did appreciate the hospitality, but the two and half hour car journey it would take to get back to Harry’s house from here sounded agonising right now. Harry apparently opted to ignore this, getting back onto the road and driving in silence again, stone faced. Teddy found himself half wishing that Harry would just go ahead and yell at him already. The anticipation of it coupled with the cold shoulder Harry was currently giving him was almost more than he could bear.
“I’m sorry, Harry” Teddy offered quietly. He rather hoped it went without saying, but it was probably best to put it out there anyway.
“I’m sure you are, Teddy” Harry sighed. Teddy supposed he probably deserved that, but it hurt all the same. In a way he was quite glad that Harry’s piercing green eyes weren’t currently trained on him, as they were focused on the road ahead. But the fact that Harry wasn’t looking at him at all – not even an occasional glance - made Teddy feel, if possible, even worse for how much he’d let him down.
“Go on then. Tell me what happened” Harry said, his voice rather devoid of emotion, which gave Teddy a great sense of foreboding. Teddy swallowed the lump in his throat. He couldn’t explain his behaviour tonight if he tried.
“I don’t know where to start” Teddy replied honestly. “I didn’t mean to hit that policeman, there was just so much going on. I felt someone come at me from behind and I hit them before I saw who it was.”
“Why were you even fighting in the first place?” Harry pressed him, anger finally starting to seep into his tone.
“I don’t know” Teddy replied helplessly, racking his brain for the memory, which was now rather fuzzy. He knew he had started it, but he was a bit unclear at this point as to why. Someone had shoulder-barged Luke, had that been the reason? Was that really all it was?
“What, did someone attack you out of nowhere?” Harry asked sceptically. “Did Luke start the fight?” Teddy could tell from his tone that he thought both of those options highly unlikely, but Teddy’s protective instincts over his friend kicked in anyway.
“It wasn’t Luke’s fault, he didn’t do anything” Teddy replied defensively. “I’m the one who started it.”
“YOU started the fight?” Harry asked incredulously, breaking his concentration on the road to look at Teddy in surprise for a second. He’d presumably expected some of the blame to lie with Teddy for this whole thing, but perhaps not all of it.
“Yeah, I did” Teddy admitted quietly. Harry pinched the bridge of his nose, closing his eyes and looking frustrated. Teddy looked out at the road in front of them in alarm, but they were on a fairly unobstructed stretch of road, and Harry had opened his eyes again anyway by the time Teddy looked back to him a second later, both hands back on the wheel, but clear anger on his face.
“What the hell were you thinking?” Harry demanded. Teddy wished there was something he could say, anything to justify it. But he had nothing.
“I don’t know” he said sadly.
“Fighting with muggles, Teddy!” Harry burst out angrily, scowling at the road in front of him but gesturing emphatically at Teddy with his left hand while he steered with his right. “Assaulting a law enforcement officer! You know the department ought to be pressing charges against you for that, right? Do you realise what sort of position this puts me in? Not even a week after your promotion!”
“What’s going to happen?” Teddy asked apprehensively.
“I don’t know” Harry replied bitterly. “That’s up to me, isn’t it? And I haven’t decided yet. Jesus, Teddy, you’re making my life difficult… Not to mention dragging me out of bed in the middle of the night to come down here and get you. On the job is one thing, but I’m not your fucking babysitter. You’re a grown man.”
“It’ll never happen again, Harry. I promise” Teddy pleaded, and he meant it. He hadn’t seen Harry this angry in a long time. And he had never had it directed at himself like this before. He hated every minute of it.
“You’re damn right it’ll never happen again” Harry replied heatedly. “I always thought you were the responsible one, of my kids.” Now THAT was like a knife through the heart, and perhaps something of that had shown on Teddy’s face, because Harry’s expression softened ever so slightly when he glanced sideways at him and the two of them locked eyes for a second.
“And I know you’re not really my son, but you’ve always been as good as. And I know perhaps you don’t think of me that way, especially since you and James…” Harry went on, sounding exasperated.
“I do think of you that way” Teddy said sincerely, his voice coming rather hoarse with emotion. “I always have.”
Harry’s expression softened further at this, but he didn’t look at Teddy, and Teddy wasn’t sure if that was intentional or if he was just focusing on the road, but either way he was quite glad. He felt himself welling up again and he needed a moment to pull himself together after hearing all of that. Harry mercifully gave it to him, perhaps needing a moment or two himself. They drove on in silence for a few minutes before Harry broke it again.
“What am I going to do with you, Teddy?” Harry asked wearily, looking pained. Teddy wasn’t entirely sure what he meant, until he clarified. “This is a sackable offence, you know.” Teddy didn’t say anything to that. He did know.
“You’ve a pristine record, so that would be going a bit far, but…” Harry was frowning pensively, sounding like he was more or less thinking aloud by this point. “If it was anyone else? Suspension? Demotion? A formal warning, at least…”
“I understand” Teddy said quietly. Perhaps so quietly that Harry hadn’t heard him, or maybe he just chose to ignore it.
“But you’re not anyone else, are you?” Harry went on. “You’re my best agent. Not to mention…” Teddy wasn’t sure he could take Harry saying that Teddy was like a son to him again, so he interjected before he could go any further.
“I’ve never asked for special treatment, and I’m not going to start now” Teddy said seriously. “You do what you have to do. It’s my own fault.”
“I don’t want to do any of that” Harry frowned. “But if word gets out about this? Especially after I just handed you a promotion… do you know what that looks like?”
“It looks like I didn’t earn it” Teddy supplied dully, and Harry gestured at him again, as though to say ‘exactly!’
“Are you taking it back then? The promotion?” Teddy asked apprehensively. Harry ran a hand backwards through his hair, looking stressed.
“I don’t know, Teddy” he replied, sounding tired again. “I really don’t…”
Teddy slouched down even further in his seat as the car fell silent again, feeling like absolute scum and knowing full well that he deserved to. Let it never be said that Teddy Lupin didn’t face the consequences of his actions. But this was a lot to take all at once. How had it all fallen apart so quickly?
Teddy was just about beginning to think they’d do the rest of the journey without speaking, and was even considering the possibility of trying to take a nap when Harry spoke up again, apparently unable to help himself. This time, however, he didn’t sound angry at all, and his face was lined with concern as he glanced back and forth between Teddy and the road.
“Look, I know there’s something going on with you” Harry ventured, his carefully measured voice still cutting through Teddy every bit as much as his earlier scolding had. “I’m not blind, I know you’ve been struggling with your metamorphoses for weeks, and I know what that means. I’ve also seen you working all hours at the office, like you don’t want to go home. And I know that James is worried about you. You can talk to me, if you need to.”
If he thought he could manage it without falling apart entirely, Teddy might have told Harry just how much that meant to him. As it was, he’d settle for just getting some sort of verbal response out. Anything, just to acknowledge that he’d heard it, but he was unable to form the words. All that came out was a bit of a squeak as his voice broke on the word ‘I’.
“And if you can’t talk to me, can you not talk to James, at least?” Harry suggested reasonably. “I know he’s away, and it’s been hard on you both, but…”
“You have no idea” Teddy replied dazedly. He had no idea why that was apparently easier to say than whatever he’d been trying to get out a moment ago, but it slipped out more or less involuntarily. Before Teddy had a chance to take it back, Harry was looking at him in concern again.
“Are you two on the outs?” Harry asked, sounding surprised. “That’s not what this is about, is it?”
Teddy huffed an incredulous laugh at that, unable to stop himself. There was nothing funny about it, really, but something about Harry’s gross over-simplification of the matter, combined with the fact that he’d inadvertently hit the nail on the head hit some sort of irony receptor in Teddy’s brain and made him lose it.
“On the outs…” Teddy repeated, still laughing, while Harry was now looking at him as though slightly concerned he might be losing his mind. Maybe he was, it was hard to tell at this point. “That’s… a way to put it” Teddy added darkly.
“You are, then?” Harry asked, and Teddy put both of his hands over his face, groaning in frustration. He wondered vaguely if it would be too dramatic to open the door and hurl himself out of the moving car, just to get out of having this conversation. If he couldn’t talk about it with Luke, he REALLY couldn’t talk about it with Harry. But it seemed like he wasn’t going to get through the night without talking about it with someone. He’d already had it out with James, less than twelve hours ago. Although it felt a lot longer now, given how much had happened in between.
“We can’t even talk without arguing anymore” Teddy said helplessly, his voice somewhat muffled by the hands he was not ready to remove from his face yet. He actually only had one conversation between himself and James to base this assertion on, but at this particular moment in time he couldn’t see how they were ever going to talk again without arguing about it all. Especially given that the next time Teddy spoke to him, he was going to have to tell him what he’d done.
“I know it’s my fault too, it’s probably both of us that are being unreasonable” Teddy went on, letting his hands fall down into his lap, staring straight ahead and out of the window, almost afraid to look back at Harry now he’d started. He wasn’t even sure if he was making any sense, but he carried on anyway. “But does he even know what he’s asking of me? My job, it’s… it’s my life. I don’t… I can’t…”
Teddy stopped talking to heave out an almighty sigh. James had accused him of not even trying to see the other side of things, but he was wrong. Teddy understood, he truly did, he just didn’t feel the same. He wasn’t even able to seriously contemplate moving away with James and building a life somewhere else, because every fibre of his being screamed NO in response to the prospect. It wasn’t logical (although he certainly had some pretty sound logic on his side as to why he couldn’t go) it was more than that. It was something he felt in his gut. Something he just knew wasn’t right.
“What about your job?” Harry asked fervently. “What’s he asking?” Teddy chanced a glance at him, and he looked more worried than ever.
“He’s asking me what I think about him taking a permanent job over there” Teddy told him miserably. He was quite sure that Harry wouldn’t know about this yet, and Teddy felt like a bit of a grass telling him. But this was apparently what it had come to.
“He’s…” Harry replied dazedly, looking thoroughly overwhelmed by this news. “So the two of you might both go? Permanently?” he asked, looking crestfallen at the thought.
“No, Harry. I’m not going” Teddy told him quietly. “That’s why we’re arguing about it.”
“I see…” Harry frowned, evidently starting to grasp the real problem here. Teddy felt a little bad for dropping this on him at this hour in the middle of the night, but they had reached the point of no return now. All of Teddy’s cards were on the table.
“Do you think he might still go? If you didn’t?” Harry asked looking troubled by this and Teddy huffed a dark and humourless laugh. They were very much on the same page now.
“I don’t know” Teddy told him grimly. A tense silence followed, in which Teddy knew that Harry was letting all of this sink in. It was only reasonable, Teddy still hadn’t quite managed to get his head around it all, and he’d had considerably longer to sit with it.
“I thought the two of you were…” Harry began confusedly, looking as though he couldn’t understand it at all.
“Inseparable?” Teddy offered, and Harry nodded without looking at him. “Yeah, so did I” Teddy added darkly.
“So that’s why you’re out fighting with muggles, is it?” Harry asked him gravely.
“Well that wasn’t exactly planned” Teddy replied, scowling as he stared out of the window again. “But that’s pretty much why I was out and drinking far too much, yeah.”
“Is this a problem, Teddy?” Harry asked, glancing away from the road and looking at Teddy worriedly again.
“Me and James?” Teddy asked, with a raised eyebrow. He thought it was pretty clear that it was.
“I was talking about your drinking” Harry replied, frowning. “But that too, yes.”
“Well it WAS tonight, wasn’t it?” Teddy replied seriously. “But I’m not going to let it become a recurring one, if that’s what you mean. And as far as me and James go… yeah, it’s a problem.”
Harry didn’t seem to know what to say to that, looking deep in thought as he concentrated on the road again. Teddy didn’t know what to say either. Even Harry could see how much of a problem it was, and he didn’t know the half of it. Even if James did turn down the job and come home, after everything that had happened it wasn’t as if they’d be able to just pick up where they left off. They had a lot of stuff to work through. Teddy wondered vaguely if James was even aware of that. Their earlier argument had exposed just how much trouble their relationship was currently in, but even now Teddy wasn’t entirely sure that they were on the same page about it. James had made it abundantly clear that Teddy wasn’t as important to him as he had always just assumed that he was. He apparently wasn’t nearly as important to James as whatever adventure he was currently having. James Potter, who wasn’t afraid of anything... Was he afraid of losing Teddy, in the same way Teddy was of losing him? Probably not. He’d always been the braver one, of the two of them.
Harry had apparently exhausted all the things he wanted to question Teddy about, and he didn’t say anything else for the rest of the journey. Whenever Teddy glanced over at him he had the same pensive expression on his face – the same one he often had on at work, when trying to think of a solution to a particularly complex problem. Teddy wished him luck with it, he’d been trying to think of a solution for months and come up short.
By the time they arrived at Harry’s house Teddy was half falling asleep, fatigue finally catching up with him. It had been a very long night, after all. Harry directed him to the guest bedroom, and the last thing Teddy was consciously aware of was flopping down onto the bed, on top of the covers, his head vaguely spinning and his whole body limp.
-
Teddy woke up in the exact same position he’d fallen asleep in. He was in pain pretty much all over, and he had no idea at the moment how much of that was just a hangover and how much of it might be for other reasons. The hangover was bad though. His mouth and throat were both so dry that trying to swallow was making him gag, and his head was pounding so badly he could barely lift it up, so he gave that up as a bad job, resigning himself to just lying there, lifeless, until his body was being a bit more cooperative. He squeezed his eyes shut against the harsh daylight streaming in through the window, wondering vaguely if it would be possible to go back to sleep for a bit, but then the memories from last night started to come flooding in.
He curled up into a ball, groaning quite pathetically as it all came back to him. He knew by the end of the night he’d very much regretted his actions, but in the cold light of day it all seemed so much worse, somehow. What the hell had he done?
The main events of the night were pretty clear, but the bits in between less so. Teddy remembered the fight, but not much about the actual arrest itself. He remembered being in the cell. He remembered kissing Luke, although fuck if he knew HOW that had happened. He put both hands over his face, groaning again. This induced a flashback of him doing the same thing in Harry’s car, while telling him about James, and Teddy racked his brain to try and remember exactly what he’d said. Far too much, more than likely. Fucking hell, this was a mess.
He was at Harry’s house now, he knew that much. He remembered bits and pieces of the car ride. He didn’t really remember arriving at the house, but he remembered going into the guest bedroom and collapsing on the bed.
Is that where he was now? The guest bedroom? But then why did everything smell like James? Was that just what the Potters’ house smelled like? Teddy opened his eyes a fraction, the influx of light making his head throb so violently that for a second Teddy was sure he was going to be sick. He regained his composure, taking a few deep breaths, while he peered around the room. No, this was not the guest bedroom. He was in James’s old room. In James’s bed. He must have gotten up at some point in the night and come in here. He had no memory whatsoever of doing that, but he didn’t see how else he would have ended up here.
“Fuck…” Teddy muttered, putting his hands back over his face again. As far as karmic punishments went this was a pretty good one. Waking up in his boyfriend’s bed after betraying him the way he had last night. Even now, the scent of James was wonderful and comforting, and activated some part of Teddy’s brain that was closely associated with love. But given how they had left things after their phone call yesterday, and just about everything that had happened in between, just thinking about James right now was agonising.
Something hard was digging into Teddy’s outer thigh where he was lying on it, and he felt blindly around to see what it was, discovering that his phone was still in his pocket. This cued another flashback, of Teddy in the club bathroom, fishing the thing out of the toilet bowl.
“Oh fuck” Teddy muttered again, pulling the phone out of his pocket with some difficulty (they really were quite tight jeans, he didn’t know how on earth he’d been able to sleep in them). He flipped it open and was not particularly surprised to see that the screen was blank. He held down the power button for a good few seconds, but nothing happened.
“Fuck!” Teddy spat angrily. This was the last thing he needed. God only knows if James had tried to call him – not that he was in any fit state to talk to him right now. He tossed the phone carelessly aside and it landed on the carpeted floor next to the bed with a dull thump.
“Urgh, what am I gonna do?” Teddy moaned as he rolled onto his back, staring up at the ceiling. He’d woken up in this bed a hundred times, looking up at this very ceiling, but he never imagined he’d be lying here feeling quite this hopeless.
He couldn’t lie there forever, and after a good amount of time had passed, in which his headache showed no sign whatsoever of letting up, Teddy heaved himself over to the edge of the bed, letting his legs fall out of it and weakly pushing his upper body into a sitting position using his arms. Unfortunately, the simple act of being upright was apparently more than his stomach could handle right now, and Teddy then had to sprint to the bathroom. Fortunately it was only a couple of doors down, but even still Teddy barely made it in time.
There was not very much in his stomach to be ejected at this point, so what came up was mostly bile, followed by an awful lot of dry heaving. Teddy knew he deserved this. Not just for how much he had drank last night, but his behaviour all round. Not that that made it any easier. He slumped down on the floor, resting the side of his face on the toilet seat, breathing heavily with his eyes closed, waiting to see if any more was coming.
“You look terrible” a rather gentle voice said, and Teddy’s eyes snapped open in surprise to see Ginny loitering in the doorway, looking at him with a great deal of sympathy.
“I feel it” Teddy croaked in response. Ginny gave him a grim smile in return, and then offered Teddy the glass of water he only just noticed she was holding. He hauled himself up from the toilet bowl, leaning back against the wall instead, accepting the water from her gratefully.
“You smell terrible as well” Ginny told him, her tone still much kinder than Teddy really felt he deserved, while he swilled out his mouth with a sip of water, spitting it into the toilet bowl. Teddy figured she was probably talking about what he was sure were potent alcohol fumes coming off of him, but he distinctly remembered falling over in the club toilet stall, shortly after dropping his phone. At least one of the legs of his jeans was probably soaked in urine.
“I’m sure I do” he replied flatly. He tried taking a small sip of the water and actually swallowing it, and it went down rather painfully, like taking a large pill. He waited for a moment to see if his stomach would accept the offering, and although it squirmed unpleasantly, it didn’t send the water straight back up again, which Teddy took as a small victory for the moment.
“Have a shower, then come downstairs and have some breakfast” Ginny told him gently. “There’ll be some clothes in James’s room I’m sure you can borrow.” Teddy nodded in agreement. That sounded like a good plan of action, although he wasn’t sure he could actually move right now. And eating breakfast sounded like actual hell.
“Why are you being so nice to me?” Teddy asked her, rather confusedly. Not that he didn’t appreciate it, but it was a surprise nonetheless.
“Because you look pathetic” Ginny replied, with a bit of a smirk, catching Teddy quite by surprise and he laughed. He stopped rather abruptly though, as the tensing of his stomach was now quite painful after all of the heaving he’d just done.
“How’s Harry?” Teddy asked warily. Ginny’s expression hardened slightly, but her tone was still fairly even as she replied.
“He’s disappointed” she replied simply.
“Sounds about right” Teddy muttered, more to himself than anyone else.
“Yeah, well…” Ginny made a face as though to say ‘what did you expect?’ Teddy had nothing to offer in response, sinking down slightly with his back against the wall, feeling awful all over again.
“It’ll be alright, Teddy” Ginny offered softly, and Teddy was once again taken by surprise. He realised that it had been quite some time since anyone had actually said something like that to him. Luke didn’t generally bother with bullshit platitudes, and ordinarily Teddy quite agreed, he didn’t see the value in saying meaningless words. But as he sat here on the bathroom floor feeling like things were about as far as it was possible to be from ‘alright’, he also realised that it was nice to hear it all the same. If for no other reason than to know that someone else actually wanted things to turn out alright for him.
Before Teddy could do much more than offer Ginny a weak smile in return, she had walked off again, leaving Teddy to do his best to drink some water and pull himself together.
-
Harry barely said two words to Teddy when he finally did surface, post shower and wearing some of James’s old clothes that he’d found in one of the drawers in his room. Teddy wasn’t sure how he felt about that – while he was clearly in no state to receive the thorough bollocking he knew he was due for, getting it out of the way would at least relieve this awful anticipation he was currently walking around with. He knew that Harry had let him have it when they were in the car last night, but he also knew that wasn’t the end of it. The question of what would happen with Teddy’s promotion was still very much up in the air, and Teddy didn’t dare push his luck by bringing it up this morning. He supposed he would find out on Monday, when he got to the office.
There was a lot that Teddy needed to get in order before then, though. The floo was blocked off at his and James’s flat – Teddy had done that a while ago, since no-one was currently living there, and since he was currently without a wand, he had no way of getting in. That only left him with one place to go, but after all that had happened last night, Teddy didn’t much like the idea of just flooing in unannounced. At a loss for what else to do, Teddy took the floo to Diagon Alley, exiting back out into the muggle world from there and taking the tube out to Luke’s place.
It was late afternoon by the time Teddy was knocking on Luke’s door, wondering vaguely if Luke was just going to slam the door in his face. When he opened the door, however, looking rather hungover himself and sporting a blooming black eye, he simply looked mildly surprised to see Teddy there. Unsure on what exactly to say, Teddy merely held up one of the lattes he was holding as a sort of peace offering. Luke accepted it wordlessly, gesturing for Teddy to come in and leaving the door ajar for him to do so.
“Where’d you end up last night, then?” Luke asked him vaguely as Teddy followed him through to the living room.
“Harry’s” Teddy told him grimly.
“Oh shit, really?” Luke asked as they both took their usual seats on the two sofas, arranged at a right angle to each other.
“Really” Teddy confirmed gruffly, digging the packet of cigarettes he’d bought on the way over here out of his pocket.
“That must have been the longest car ride of your life” Luke ventured, and Teddy made a face of grim agreement.
“At one point I seriously considered jumping out” Teddy told him, his voice slightly muffled by the cigarette in his mouth that he was lighting.
“He was mad, then?” Luke asked conversationally. That much should probably have been obvious, but Teddy realised that Harry hadn’t really shown much emotion at all when Luke had been with them.
“Oh yeah, he was mad” Teddy muttered. “But the disappointment was worse.”
“It usually is” Luke agreed.
They both sat smoking in silence for a moment or two while Teddy surveyed Luke carefully. He looked pretty pale and sickly, presumably due to the skinful he’d had last night, but he seemed pretty even tempered. He certainly wasn’t as hostile as Teddy had expected him to be, and Teddy wasn’t quite sure what to make of that. He eventually decided to just go ahead and address the elephant in the room.
“I’m sorry Luke” he offered earnestly, as he leaned forward to flick into the ashtray on the table. Luke looked surprised again. “I’m sorry for dragging you into my fucking self destructive spiral last night. I’m sorry for all of it.”
“It was the both of us that did it, Teddy” Luke replied wearily, looking very tired all of a sudden.
“It was me who started the whole thing though” Teddy insisted, not willing to let himself off the hook that easily. “I’m the reason you’ve got that black eye. I’m the reason we both ended up in handcuffs.”
“Well alright, THAT bit was your fault” Luke shrugged nonchalantly. “I did tell you to leave it…”
“I should have” Teddy frowned.
“Yeah, well…” Luke gestured vaguely. “Twenty-twenty hindsight, and all that.”
There was a brief pause in which Luke alternated between smoking his cigarette and drinking his coffee, and Teddy just sat there wondering what to say. He knew he owed Luke an explanation, at the very least.
“I told Harry” Teddy offered. “About me and James. That things aren’t good.”
“Oh yeah?” Luke replied impassively.
“I told him that James is talking about taking a permanent job over there” Teddy told Luke grimly, watching a deep frown from on Luke’s face as he digested this news.
“How are we feeling about that, then?” Luke asked slowly, watching Teddy carefully as he took a particularly long drag of his cigarette, breathing it out like a sigh.
“I think that’s fairly obvious, don’t you?” Teddy replied flatly. Luke huffed a small laugh at this. Whether he had picked up on the call back to their conversation last night, or just found Teddy’s no-nonsense tone amusing, Teddy wasn’t sure.
“You asked me last night, what the fuck we were doing” Teddy went on. “That’s what I was doing. Trying to forget about all the horrible shit I said to him on the phone after he told me that. Oh, speaking of which…” Teddy pulled his phone out of his pocket, and set it down on the coffee table. “You said I should put it in rice, were you being serious about that?” he asked with a raised eyebrow. Luke looked as though he had no recollection of that, frowning at the phone confusedly.
“What, did you get it wet?” he asked. Teddy nodded, not particularly keen on elaborating any further.
“Yeah, that is what you’re supposed to do, but it’s probably too late now” Luke told him seriously, and although Teddy had pretty much expected that to be the case he was still quite annoyed about it.
“Fuck” he muttered irritably. “Guess I’ll add that onto the list of ways I’m paying for last night, then.”
“You can use mine” Luke offered gently. “If you need to call him.”
“Well I need to talk to him, don’t I?” Teddy replied darkly. “But I’m not sure it should be done over the phone.” He’d been thinking about that for most of the afternoon. He didn’t see any alternative now. They needed to have this out in a scenario where neither of them could hang up on the other. They needed to talk face to face.
“I don’t know if this should wait until Christmas, Teddy” Luke said, frowning again.
“No, I don’t either” Teddy agreed. “I’m going to go tonight.”
“Tonight?” Luke asked, looking rather taken aback.
“You were right, Luke” Teddy told him, now feeling quite tired himself. “I can’t go on like this.”
“Are you going to tell him what happened?” Luke asked seriously.
“Every bit” Teddy replied, meeting Luke’s eye, and he nodded approvingly. Teddy felt honour bound to tell James what he had done anyway, but even if he was tempted to try and cover it up, no way in hell would Luke ever have agreed to that.
“And when I get back” Teddy added, stubbing his cigarette butt out in the ashtray. “I reckon it’s time for me to go back to my place, don’t you?”
“No” Luke replied confusedly, taking Teddy by surprise. “Why would you do that?” Luke asked, as though this were a stupid suggestion.
“What do you mean why?” Teddy replied incredulously. “Luke, I can’t stay here after last night.”
“Why not? It didn’t mean anything, did it?” Luke countered.
“Well no, of course not, but it still happened, didn’t it?” Teddy pointed out. He had not expected to have to argue this point.
“Do you think it’s going to happen again?” Luke asked him dubiously.
“Of course not” Teddy said again, frowning.
“Look, Teddy, I know being here isn’t an ideal solution, but…” Luke was looking concerned now. “I don’t think it’s a good idea for you to be on your own right now.”
“It’s only for three weeks” Teddy countered.
“And then a week later he’s gone again, potentially forever” Luke shot back. “What then, huh?”
Teddy couldn’t immediately reply to that, reeling from the verbal gut punch that Luke had just socked him with. Luke did at least look rather guilty about it, his face falling immediately the second he saw Teddy’s reaction.
“I’m sorry, Teddy” Luke said earnestly. He looked like he meant it, too.
“You’re right” Teddy admitted flatly. “He might be.”
“It was still a horrible thing to say though” Luke replied, frowning. “I’m sorry.” Teddy merely shrugged in response.
“If you want to go back to your flat then that’s your choice” Luke said softly. “But don’t fucking shut me out because of last night. It was nothing.”
“I don’t think James is going to see it that way, do you?” Teddy put to him grimly.
“I don’t know” Luke replied quietly.
A rather uncomfortable silence settled over them, and Teddy picked up his coffee, more just for something to do than because he actually wanted any. When he took a swig he discovered it had gone rather cold, and he grimaced distastefully as he swallowed it anyway, putting the cardboard cup back down on the table irritably.
“How can he do this to me, Luke?” Teddy burst out, apparently unable to hold it in anymore. “How can he even be thinking about taking a permanent job so far away?” Luke made a rather pained face.
“The location is unfortunate” Luke agreed sadly. “But this job means a lot to him. You asking him to give it up… it’s asking a lot, Teddy.”
“Him asking me to give mine up is asking a lot too” Teddy scowled back.
“I know” Luke replied simply, a worried frown etched across his face. “There must be some sort of compromise you can work out” he added hopefully.
“I don’t see one, do you?” Teddy asked him darkly. Luke said nothing to that, continuing to look worried.
-
Teddy hesitated at the apparition station in the Auckland portkey office, wondering whether he ought to apparate directly into James’s apartment or not. It would frighten the life out of him probably, but it wasn’t as though there was much of an alternative. James lived in a muggle building so he couldn’t just apparate into the foyer, and it hadn’t even occurred to Teddy to exchange any money so he could take muggle transport. He could do that here, somewhere, probably, but he didn’t want to extend this journey any more than was necessary. He hadn’t warned James that he was coming after all, and there was always a chance that he had plans today, and might not even be there by the time Teddy got there himself.
“Are you going, or not?” one of the security guards asked him. “If not can you please clear the area, we’ve got people waiting.”
“Sorry” Teddy muttered to him, before turning on the spot and apparating to James’s living room.
He arrived with a loud crack, and heard someone drop something in the bedroom. A moment later James came out with his wand drawn looking wary, but he lowered his arm when he saw Teddy, his face changing to a different kind of confused trepidation.
“Teddy, what are you doing here?” he asked, frowning. Under other circumstances Teddy might have expected a warmer reception, but the weight of their last argument was quite clearly hanging in the air.
“We need to talk, James” Teddy told him seriously. “It can’t wait. And it couldn’t be over the phone.”
“I agree, we need to talk” James replied, his expression softening slightly as he strode across the room to where Teddy was standing. “But you didn’t need to come all the way over here” he added rather confusedly. “It’s only a couple of weeks until I’m back for Christmas.”
“Three weeks” Teddy corrected him, and James’s expression darkened again. It was pedantic, maybe, but Teddy had had just about enough of James acting like their time apart was less than it was.
James stopped short of where Teddy was standing, looking him over while still frowning. His eyes lingered on the bloody scabs across the knuckles of Teddy’s right hand, his expression turning from one of irritation to one of concern.
“A lot has happened since we last spoke” Teddy told him, which was probably the understatement of the fucking century, but he had to start somewhere.
“Clearly” James replied, raising his eyebrows. Teddy hesitated, unsure where to start. He had rehearsed this in his head about a thousand different ways, but he still wasn’t sure on the best way to explain what had happened.
“I got arrested” he stated flatly after a pause.
“You WHAT?” James replied, his eyebrows shooting even further up his forehead and his tone outraged.
“I got arrested” Teddy repeated seriously. “Me and Luke went on a bender and got picked up by the muggle police for fighting in the street.”
“Fighting?” James echoed, looking extremely surprised. “What, each other?”
“No, a group of muggles” Teddy said dismissively. That was an unimportant detail as far as he was concerned.
“Why, what happened?” James asked incredulously.
“James, look can you just… you need to just let me get through this” Teddy told him, feeling agitated at his interruptions. “Because trust me, I’m not even close to the worst part yet.” He knew that asking James Potter to just shut up and listen was something of a tall order, but Teddy was going to lose it if he had to keep answering questions every five seconds.
“Are you in trouble?” James asked worriedly.
“No, it’s not that” Teddy replied dismissively. “I mean, Harry’s not best pleased with me, but… it’ll be alright.” Teddy had no idea if that was true or not at the moment, but he didn’t particularly want to get pulled onto a tangent about it.
“OK…” James frowned pensively, gesturing for Teddy to go on. Teddy took a breath.
“I’m hanging by a fucking thread, James” Teddy told him desperately, and James looked shocked again. “I kind of thought you already knew that, but I don’t think I was ever really straight with you about how bad it’s gotten. I’m not OK, with what’s going on with us. I know I said I would be, but that was when I thought it was only temporary. But it isn’t, is it?” James said nothing to refute this so Teddy went on.
“And I should have told you before I let it eat away at me as much as it has, I know that” Teddy said. “But I’m telling you now. I’m so fucking lonely without you there, and the idea that you might not be coming back… I can’t handle that.”
“Teddy” James said softly, going to hug him, but Teddy held up a hand to stop him, pushing him back with a hand on his chest.
“I kissed Luke” Teddy told him, looking him straight in the eye. It seemed to take a minute for James to register this, and the horror took over his face slowly.
“You…” he said, sounding dazed.
“We were off our heads” Teddy implored him. “I’ve not been that drunk in fucking years. And they tossed us in a cell together and we started having one of those late night conversations where you pour your fucking heart out. And then we were laughing, I don’t even know what about…” James was still looking dumbstruck, and Teddy wasn’t sure if he ought to go on or not, but he couldn’t stop himself. “And it was over so fast. It was hardly anything, James, I swear to god. It was just a moment of fucking madness.”
“No” James interjected incredulously, still looking as though he was reeling in shock, but with anger now seeping through into both his expression and his voice. “Don’t you do that, the ‘we were drunk so it doesn’t count’ thing. It fucking counts, Teddy.”
“I’m not saying it doesn’t” Teddy replied earnestly, knowing he deserved James’s anger. “I just don’t want you to think it meant something, because it didn’t. The second it was over I wanted to fucking punch myself in the face for doing it.”
“Luke didn’t do that for you?” James asked breathily, sounding almost like he wanted to laugh, but there was nothing about his face that suggested he thought it was at all funny.
Teddy hesitated again, momentarily confused by this. It actually hadn’t occurred to him until just now, but under different circumstances that was exactly what he would have expected Luke to do. Maybe it was because Luke was equally complicit in what had happened that he hadn’t dropped the hammer on Teddy for it.
“He kissed me too” Teddy sighed. “Doesn’t exactly have the moral high ground on this one.”
“That ever stopped him before?” James asked frowning, and Teddy wondered why he was fixating on this and ignored the question.
“I’m sorry, Jamie” he said, sincerely, and James’s expression softened slightly. “I fucked up. I know it’s not alright. But I’m not downplaying it when I say it was barely anything.”
James looked like he really didn’t know what to say, and he let out a slow breath before he replied.
“I believe you” he said, bewildered. “Because I know you’d be honest with me if it WAS anything more. But you’re right about the fact that you fucked up. It’s not OK.” Teddy nodded in agreement while James frowned, looking like he was still processing everything. Teddy gave him a moment.
“You and Luke…” James said eventually, looking concerned. “Do I need to be worried about this? Because I’ve never felt threatened by Luke before and I don’t want to fucking start.”
“No, you don’t” Teddy told him firmly. “Honestly, he was just there.” James didn’t look as though his fears were entirely allayed so Teddy elaborated.
“Look this isn’t on Luke” Teddy said. “It’s my fault. We’ve both been feeling kind of vulnerable for a while now. And lonely. That was the whole point of me staying with him in the first place, but it didn’t really help either of us in that area. We were just fucking lonely together. And we’ve been leaning on each other a lot. Probably too much. I should have backed up before it got to this point.”
“You could have talked to me, Teddy” James said sadly.
“Luke said I should” Teddy told him. “But after I came out here…” he shook his head. “It’s obvious that you weren’t struggling like I was. I didn’t know what to make of that. I still don’t.”
“Ted” James said gently. “It’s not like I didn’t miss you at all. Some nights I can’t sleep because I miss you so fucking much. I just…” he shrugged helplessly. “I AM having a good time out here, I don’t think I need to feel bad about that.”
“You don’t” Teddy replied dully. “And I think part of me knows that. That it’s not the same, because this is an adventure for you, but my life hasn’t changed apart from you being away. I know that. But some part of me convinced myself that you not missing me the way I missed you meant that you don’t care, or you don’t love me, or something like that. Some part of me still thinks that might be true.”
James looked as though Teddy had just slapped him in the face, and Teddy felt so bad he almost wanted to take that back, but he knew he couldn’t. Him downplaying how much he was hurting was what had made the situation so bad in the first place.
“Teddy, that isn’t true” James told him, sounding incredibly hurt. “It isn’t true at all. I had no idea that you thought that. Why wouldn’t you tell me that?”
“Because what if it were true, James?” Teddy asked him quietly, fearfully. This was apparently too much for James, who pulled Teddy into a tight hug. He wrapped both of his arms all the way around Teddy, squeezing him almost painfully tight, his face nuzzled into Teddy’s neck, planting gentle kisses on his collarbone. Teddy took a deep breath, breathing in James’s overwhelming scent from this proximity, feeling his eyes sting. He wanted as far as possible to avoid crying. It was difficult to talk rationally once the floodgates were open, and this needed to be a rational discussion.
“I’m so sorry Teddy” James said, sounding like he was likely fighting back tears himself. “I know I was horrible to you when we were arguing, but it never even crossed my mind that you’d think I don’t love you anymore.”
“I said some horrible shit to you too” Teddy replied, sliding his arms up James’s back and patting him gently. “It’s not on you. Or not all on you anyway. We’ve both fucked this up. Probably me more than you.”
“So what are we going to do about it?” James asked seriously as he pulled back. Teddy took another breath. Now they were at the really tricky part.
“I want you to come home, James” Teddy told him baldly. James frowned as he took a moment to digest this and Teddy decided to elaborate further before expecting him to respond.
“I know it’s a lot to ask” he said earnestly. “Believe me, I do. I know how great this job has been for you. But the fact of the matter is I can’t handle not living in the same place as you for this long, ever again. And maybe that’s selfish, but it is what it is. I want you to come home. I want you to finish this six months, because I know it’s important to you. But then I need you to come home and be with me again. And I can’t leave here until you tell me that’s what you’re going to do.”
James said nothing to this, merely eyeing Teddy warily, and Teddy started to panic slightly. He knew it wasn’t going to be as easy as that to get James to agree to this, but he wasn’t lying about the fact that he wouldn’t be able to get his head on straight again until James did.
“Tell me what you’re thinking. Please” Teddy implored him, and James sighed heavily.
“Teddy, the timing of this is…” he started, frowning deeply. “Could you not have said all this to me a week ago?”
“Why a week ago?” Teddy asked, now frowning himself. “What would have been different then?”
James sighed again, looking resigned. He walked a few steps away to sink down into a seat on the sofa, apparently needing to sit down for whatever it was he was about to say. Teddy followed him nervously, but he was far too wired to sit, and stood a few paces away facing him.
“It would have been before the framework got the go-ahead” James said miserably. Teddy didn’t know what he was talking about, but he knew it was bad news. “It would have been before Mo offered me a ten-year contract, for a team leader role.”
A moment of stunned silence followed, in which Teddy sort of wished he’d taken a seat himself. His legs felt oddly numb.
“So when you were asking me on the phone yesterday” Teddy ventured, trying to keep his tone even, but unable to keep a note of accusation from creeping in. “You made it sound hypothetical, but it wasn’t, was it?”
“I hadn’t worked out how to tell you yet” James replied sadly. “Mo did float it to me as a possibility weeks ago though. I wasn’t lying about the fact that I meant to talk to you about it while you were out here.”
“So why didn’t you?” Teddy asked angrily. It could have saved him three weeks of absolute agony (including a night of catastrophic madness) if they had just had all of this out back then.
“Why do you think, Ted?” James replied indignantly. “Why didn’t you tell me any of your side of it back then? I was scared of the answer.”
“Well, you’ve got my answer now” Teddy told him plainly.
“I’m not sure I have, though” James frowned. “You’re saying you can’t handle us being apart. We wouldn’t be if you came here.”
“James…” Teddy sighed. “I can’t leave my job. It just means too much to me, James. It’s who I am. And I can’t do it without Harry. He’s my role model, my mentor. It doesn’t make sense without him.”
“You’re telling me you can’t leave England because of my dad?” James asked incredulously.
“Kind of” Teddy said, shrugging. “I know that’s weird for you, because he’s your dad, but he’s so much more than that to me.” Teddy nearly tacked on ‘he’s the man I want one day to be’ onto the end of that, but stopped himself when he realised that would be an extremely weird thing for James to hear, and probably not conducive to getting him on side right now.
“I mean, it’s not like I’m asking you to never see him again” James said reasonably. “You could still call him for advice.”
Teddy merely offered James an apologetic grimace in response, because that wasn’t at all the same, and he knew it.
“And you know Dad isn’t going to be working at the ministry forever, right?” James ventured. “He’s going to retire one day. What will you do then?”
“I’ll be ready by then, hopefully. To do it without him” Teddy shrugged again. He didn’t have ALL of the answers, he just knew how he felt.
“Teddy, I appreciate what you’re saying, but…” James began sceptically, and Teddy knew it wasn’t enough. He was going to have to give him more.
“I know” Teddy interjected. “If it was just the job then things might be different, but it’s not just that. You’re asking me to uproot my whole life. I have a routine, I have my friends. I’m settled. I like my life, I don’t want to change it.”
“You’d make new friends” James countered. He was looking increasingly upset at the way this conversation was going, but there was nothing Teddy could really do about that. He wasn’t about to start backtracking now.
“Here’s the thing though” Teddy told him regretfully. “I don’t want to. Maybe five years ago this might have seemed exciting to me, but not now. Nothing about it appeals to me, James.”
“Well that’s… not good” James looked genuinely devastated, and Teddy went to sit next to him on the sofa, putting a gentle hand on his knee.
“I’m sorry, Jamie” Teddy said sincerely. He truly was. “I wish we were more on the same page about this. But that’s how I feel. And I’m not going to change my mind.”
“You said five years ago you might have been up for it” James pointed out. “Is this an age thing?”
“That’s probably part of it” Teddy replied with a grim smile. “My career is further along than yours. It’s harder for me to go somewhere new, learn a whole new way of working. Hell, I’d have to learn a whole new legal system. It would feel like such a step back.”
“You’re asking me to take a step back by coming back to the UK” James countered, frowning. “You know what my situation is. No way I’m making team leader there any time soon.”
“But it’s easier for you to take a step back” Teddy reasoned. “You’re still right at the start of your career.”
“So I have to be the one who gives everything up, because I’m younger?” James asked, now starting to both look and sound rather angry about it. “THAT’S your argument? You can’t even consider doing this for me because you’re a wise old man who knows what he wants, and I’m still just a little kid looking for an adventure?”
“I didn’t say any of that” Teddy replied defensively, removing his hand from James’s knee. He hadn’t exactly expected James to take any of this lightly, but he wasn’t sure at exactly what point this had turned into another argument.
“No, you’re saying you can’t do what I’m asking because you don’t want to” James shot back, sounding more angry than ever. “Like what I want doesn’t even come into it. Because I’m so young, it’s so much easier for me.”
“Alright, fuck, I shouldn’t have said that” Teddy cried, holding up a hand in surrender. James had set that trap for him, and Teddy had walked right into it. The age difference between them was always a sore spot for him, and Teddy should have known better than to try and use it against him in a debate.
“No, by all means, if that’s what you really think” James replied coldly, getting up from the sofa and walking across the room, apparently for no reason other than to put some distance between them.
“I wasn’t trying to accuse you of being immature” Teddy said firmly, willing James to believe this. “I’m just saying, we’re at different points in our lives. This means something different to each of us.”
“Teddy, we’ve been living together for three years” James scowled at him. “I thought we shared a life. How can we be at different points in it?”
“Career-wise” Teddy stressed. Sometimes James just would not listen.
“Yeah, I get it” James shot back. “Your career is more important than mine. It always has been, hasn’t it?” Teddy needed a moment to decipher that.
“What does THAT mean?” he asked, now giving in to a little bit of anger himself.
“You’ve always thought you’re better than everyone because you’re an auror” James sneered. Teddy knew he was just lashing out at this point, but it struck a nerve. In fact, Teddy was painfully aware that some small part of him DID think that, and it wasn’t something he was proud of.
“You did nothing but look down on me when I played quidditch” James went on. “And even when I got my act together and got a real job, you still always prioritised yours over mine. You can’t take time off because your case is just too important, but I can drop everything for you, no problem.”
“James, stop it!” Teddy said loudly. This was escalating into petty swipes now and Teddy didn’t want to get sucked in. He’d come over here to solve this, not to just fight some more.
“Tell me it’s not true!” James yelled, and Teddy got up from the sofa. He wasn’t even sure why, he just felt he needed a slightly less passive stance in order to yell back.
“I DON’T think I’m better than you!” Teddy roared, and James visibly flinched. Reigning himself in, Teddy went on at a much lower volume, but kept his tone stern.
“I’m a bit of an arrogant prick sometimes, so sometimes it might come off like I think I’m better than EVERYONE” he emphasised. “But I’ve never thought I’m above you, James. Do you think I’d be with you if I didn’t respect you?”
James didn’t seem to have anything to say to that, and looked slightly sheepish, so Teddy took his opportunity to vent some more.
“This isn’t about whose job is more important. This is about how I feel. And I’m telling you, I don’t want to uproot my life.”
A ringing silence followed, in which James looked quite ashamed of his outburst. Teddy went over to him where he was stood, half intending to give him a hug, but decided when he got there that it would be a bit much at the moment. They stared at each other regretfully for a few seconds before James spoke again.
“You like your life and you don’t want to change it” James said, his tone much more calm but obvious hurt bleeding through. He hadn’t phrased it as a question, but Teddy nodded in agreement anyway.
“What if I wasn’t in it anymore?” James asked seriously. “Would you want to change it then?”
Teddy gaped at him for a moment or two, reeling in the wake of what he was suggesting. When he found his voice, it came out sounding very small.
“Is that an ultimatum?” Teddy asked, blinking dazedly.
“It’s just a question” James replied quietly.
“It’s a fucking gun to my head, is what it is” Teddy replied heatedly.
“Alright, maybe it is” James retorted with a flare of annoyance. “Are you going to answer it, or not?”
“No, I’m fucking not. And I can’t believe you’d even ask me” Teddy replied angrily.
“Seems like that’s what it’s come to, doesn’t it?” James said coldly.
Teddy huffed and looked away, biting back all the angry and insulting comebacks he wanted to say, reigning himself in again before saying something he’d regret.
“I’m not leaving my job, James. I just can’t do it” Teddy told him plainly, looking back at James and watching his scowl deepen as this landed. “You can do with that whatever you want.”
“Now who’s giving out ultimatums” James replied darkly.
“Take it that way if you want” Teddy replied flatly. “It is what it is.”
“Stop fucking saying that” James bristled, and Teddy shot him a scowl. “It is what it is, like you have no control over it. Take some fucking responsibility.”
“I thought that’s what I was doing by coming here” Teddy shot back irritably.
“Coming here to tell me you kissed Luke, and that I better quit my job and come home because you’re not willing to sacrifice anything for me. Yeah, cheers for that” James replied sardonically.
Teddy didn’t really have anything to say to that. Their fight about one of them ultimately having to leave their jobs for the sake of the relationship was very much a reciprocal one, and Teddy could defend himself to the death on it. But the point about him having kissed Luke was something he would never have any rebuttal for.
“I’m sorry, James” Teddy said sadly. James said nothing to that, frowning pensively.
“So what are we going to do?” Teddy asked him seriously.
“Well you’re not going to do anything are you? You’ve made that clear” James replied coldly, and Teddy wanted to argue back on that choice of words, but thought better of it.
“Alright, fine” he conceded moodily. “What are YOU going to do?”
James paused for an alarmingly long time before answering, and even then his reply did nothing to allay Teddy’s rising sense of foreboding.
“I don’t know, Teddy” he said wearily.
“You don’t?” Teddy asked worriedly.
“No, I don’t” James replied flatly. “You’re putting me in a really fucking difficult position, you know that right? You’re asking me to choose.”
“You seemed alright with asking me to choose” Teddy shot back, before he could stop himself.
“I thought we’d make the decision together” James countered testily. “But you’re putting it all on me.”
“Not intentionally” Teddy replied slowly, as he realised that this was true.
“Intentionally or not, you ARE” James told him.
Teddy gave him a minute to sulk about this, going to get himself a glass of water from the kitchen. He didn’t really need the drink so much as he needed the temporary respite from the argument, and he leaned against the kitchen counter with his back to James, taking a few breaths. It was a good thing he was here in person, because if they’d tried to do this over the phone, one of them would almost certainly have hung up by now.
“How long are you here for?” James called over to him, his voice still rather irritable.
“Only today” Teddy told him, turning around to face him but remaining where he was in the kitchen. “I’m at work on Monday.” It was currently Sunday morning in New Zealand, which would mean that if Teddy left this evening, he’d arrive back in London on Sunday morning there. He would need to sleep at some point, but he’d figure that out later.
“Of course” James muttered bitterly, and Teddy could tell he was annoyed at the appearance of Teddy prioritising his own job, yet again.
“I’ll stay longer if it’ll help” he offered, frowning. “But I don’t think it will, do you?”
“Probably not” James conceded. “But if you’re leaving tonight I don’t think I’ll have an answer for you by then.” He might as well have just pierced Teddy’s heart with an icicle, because that’s how it felt.
“You need more time to think about it?” Teddy asked him indignantly. James scowled at his tone.
“I’m sure you’d like this to be an easy decision for me, but it isn’t” he replied coldly.
“By all means, take your time” Teddy replied angrily. “It’s only my whole fucking life in the balance.”
“It’s mine too, Teddy” James shot back firmly, and Teddy felt once again like he’d been punched in the gut.
“I love you, James” Teddy implored him, going for broke. “Isn’t that enough for you to come home?”
“It’s not enough for you to come here with me, is it?” James replied, looking pained.