A difficult decision
James went straight to Mo first thing on Monday morning. He and Teddy had talked all day on Sunday, going round and round in circles, arguing and then talking and then arguing some more. By the time Teddy was heading home they were no further along than when they started. Teddy hadn’t moved even an inch on his stance that he wouldn’t be leaving the UK, which put all of the onus on James to salvage or doom their relationship. A responsibility he categorically did not want and was not at all happy with being burdened with. But there was nothing he could do about that now. It was his decision to make. He just wished he had the faintest idea of what the right thing to do was.
He wanted to save his relationship, of course he did. Teddy was the love of his life, and if he had thought this whole thing might break them up he would never have come out here in the first place. But the problem was, now he was out here, and it was everything he’d hoped it would be and more. And if Teddy made him give that all up, and go back to some dead end job at the ministry… would James end up hating him for it? Would that doom their relationship anyway, but just slower, and more painfully? James sort of hated him right now, for putting him in this position in the first place. What if that just festered and grew, to the point where he couldn’t even stand to look at him anymore? Then he’d have given up his dream job for nothing. At least if they made a clean break of it, maybe they could be friends again one day.
This was hypothetical of course. In reality, the idea of breaking up with Teddy made James want to scream in despair, and he didn’t see how he could ever possibly do it. It was absolutely the last thing he wanted. What he really wanted was for Teddy to change his mind, and come here to be with James. But James had always known that would be a big ask, and he had always known that Teddy would be resistant to it. What he hadn’t banked on was Teddy refusing to give even a little. It wasn’t just that he wouldn’t come to New Zealand. He wouldn’t go anywhere. He wouldn’t leave London.
“Jimmy boy! Thought you were at the museum today?” Mo said by way of greeting when James entered the office. He knew Mo would be alone here today, as all of their other colleagues were either at the museum or off on excursions. In fact, Ella would be waiting for James at the museum right now. She wouldn’t be happy about having to pick up the slack in his absence this morning, and he fully expected an earful when he eventually did make it over there. But right now he had much bigger things on his mind.
“I need to talk to you” James told him abruptly. There were no time for pleasantries today. “You got a minute.”
“Hmm, you’ve got the serious face on” Mo observed calmly, and while James usually appreciated his friendly banter, he found himself wishing this morning that Mo would be a bit more serious himself. Mo evidently read this on his face, as he raised one eyebrow delicately as he added “yeah, I’ve got a min.” He gestured for James to take a seat by his desk, and James did so, heaving a sigh as he sat down.
“What’s troubling you, kid?” Mo asked, leaning back in his chair and surveying James with interest.
“Teddy came to see me yesterday” James told him, and Mo looked surprised. “He wanted to talk about me coming home. He doesn’t want to move out here with me.”
“Oh… right” Mo said slowly, disappointment creeping into his expression as he apparently took this in.
“I don’t know what to do, Mo” James told him earnestly, and Mo looked surprised again.
“Does that mean you’re still thinking about staying?” Mo asked, and James nodded.
“If there was any way of me staying here and not losing him I’d jump at it, but I don’t see one” James told him regretfully. “And I want the job, Mo, I do. But I don’t know if I can lose him over it. But I also don’t know if I can live with him making me give it up. Do you know what I mean?”
“I’m following. Just about” Mo replied, frowning and looking quite uncharacteristically serious.
“You’ve moved around a lot. With your wife” James ventured. “Has anything like this ever happened with you two?”
“Sort of” Mo shrugged, looking now like he felt rather sorry for James. James was feeling quite sorry for himself, if was honest. “There’s been times when I passed on something because she didn’t want to go, and times when she did go but didn’t really want to all that much. We always found a way to make it work. You do, when you’re married.”
“Well, we’re not married, but…” James frowned. “I always sort of thought we would be one day. I thought that’s what we were working towards.”
“You not so sure anymore?” Mo asked, frowning slightly himself. James was a little surprised by the question, before he realised that that was what it sounded like he was saying.
“I…” James was struggling to work out how to respond to that. It was all so confusing. Mo gave him a small, sad smile and James sighed in frustration.
“I hate the situation he’s put me in” he said bitterly. “I DO still want to be working towards that, but how can we now? Even if I did go back… what am I going back to? A relationship where the other person doesn’t give a shit what I want?”
Mo didn’t say anything, merely continuing to look at James with a sympathetic grimace. James rubbed his eyes with both hands, feeling drained. He hadn’t slept particularly well with all of these arguments swirling around his head, but what he was feeling right now went beyond physical tiredness. It was more of an emotional exhaustion.
“Do you need some time?” Mo asked him gently. “A couple of days off?”
“I don’t know” James sighed in response. He wasn’t sure how well he’d be able to focus on work with this hanging over him, but he also didn’t see where sitting in his flat and stewing over it was going to get him.
“Those times when you had to pass on something because your wife didn’t want to go” James put to Mo. “How did you know passing on it was the right thing to do?”
“Because I’d lose her if I did” Mo replied simply, as if it were a no-brainer.
“So she just refused to go?” James asked. Just like Teddy was doing right now.
“No” Mo replied calmly. “She’s never refused. We’re a team – if I really had to go, she’d come with me, even if she didn’t want to. Those time when I passed, it was because I knew that she’d be so unhappy if I made her go that I’d end up losing her eventually anyway.”
“Oh…” was all James could muster in response to that. That really wasn’t what he wanted to hear right now. There had been one ace up his sleeve that James had been considering using, even though just the thought of it made him hate himself a little. But he knew now that it wouldn’t work. It couldn’t possibly work.
“Sorry, pal” Mo said gently, evidently reading on James’s face how crushing this realisation was.
“No, it’s alright” James replied quietly. “You’re right. I’ve been thinking about…” he grimaced as he admitted it. “About just taking the job anyway. Forcing his hand. I thought maybe if I called his bluff, he might come with me anyway. But even if he did…” James met Mo’s eye and Mo nodded sadly. The end of that sentence went without saying, but James said it anyway. “I’d lose him eventually anyway.”
“There’s no easy answer, I’m afraid” Mo told him kindly. “Marriage is about sacrifice a lot of the time.”
“I know” James said vaguely. That was one of those phrases he’d heard people say a lot, but it had never really meant anything to him until now. Sacrifice… the thing was, it wasn’t even the sacrifice itself that was the sticking point, it was the fact that Teddy was putting him in this position in the first place. James had hoped that Mo might provide some clarity on the matter, but he was only making this harder. James wished someone would just tell him what to do.
“Do you believe in the one?” Mo asked James, cutting through his train of thought and bringing him back to the present. The question was so unexpected that it took James a moment to wrap his head around it.
“The one?” he asked, bewildered.
“Yeah. Soulmates, whatever you want to call it” Mo said, waving airily. “I do. I met my wife when I was about your age, and I married her by the end of the week. I just knew. And twenty years later I still wake up feeling like the luckiest man in the world every morning.”
“That’s… great” James replied confusedly, wondering why Mo was telling him this.
“Not everyone has it hit them quite that hard, but you get the idea, right?” Mo went on, and James nodded.
“I know what you mean” he agreed. “I don’t know if I believe in there only being one person out there for everyone, but I do think it’s possible to find someone you fit perfectly with. Someone who feels like they were meant for you.”
“Is that what you have with him?” Mo asked. James hesitated before answering. Two days ago he would have said yes without even thinking about it, but now…
“I used to think it was” James sighed. “I’ve loved him for longer than I can even remember. Even before we got together, when I was…” he cast around for a polite way to say ‘shagging around’. “Playing the field” he opted for, and Mo raised his eyebrows, looking amused. “I always had in the back of my head that me and him would end up together. It just made sense to me.”
“Well if all that’s true, you’d better not let him go” Mo ventured, and James was rather taken aback.
“You think?” James asked him incredulously.
“You’re passionate about the job, James, anyone can see that” Mo replied reasonably. “But if you’ve got no-one to go home to then what’s it all for, eh?”
“You realise that you’re talking me out of taking a job that you offered me” James put to him, and Mo laughed.
“I’m not trying to talk you in or out of anything” Mo replied, still looking amused. “It just sounds to me like your heart belongs to him.”
“It does” James conceded. “But it’s not as simple as that though, is it? This whole thing has me questioning everything. I love him. But what if that’s not enough?” That last part came out in a voice of pure desperation, and Mo looked slightly concerned as he surveyed James carefully before responding.
“Have you talked to anyone else about this?” Mo asked him. “Friends, family?”
“No” James replied, feeling quite overwhelmed at the thought. “I’ve not really had chance. It only happened yesterday.”
“You should” Mo told him kindly. “I’m happy to be a sounding board for you, but I can only be of so much help.”
“Christ, I wouldn’t even know where to start” James said dazedly, more to himself than anyone else. Unfortunately, the person he would usually go to in situations where he needed advice for making a difficult decision (besides Teddy, obviously), was Luke. And Luke was about the last person James should probably be talking to right now. James still hadn’t fully processed what Teddy had told him about them having kissed, and he hadn’t had nearly enough time or space to unpack how he really felt about it.
“Would it help you to go home for a few days?” Mo asked, and James was taken by surprise again.
“Home, home?” James asked, frowning. “As in, England?”
“Yeah” Mo replied sincerely. “See your family. Talk to your friends. Talk to Teddy.”
“I can’t just go” James said slowly.
“We can manage without you for a few days” Mo countered reasonably. “You’ll be no use to me with your mind half on this anyway. It’ll probably do you some good. Help you get your head on straight.”
“Maybe” James replied tentatively. It did sound quite appealing to be around some familiar faces while he was currently feeling so terrible.
“You don’t even have to take it off your holidays, I’ll put it in as sick leave” Mo offered, and James smiled gratefully.
“You don’t have to do that” he said, but Mo was already waving him down.
“Things like this aren’t easy, James” he replied kindly. “You’re a good lad, I hope you work it out.”
“I’m going to have to, aren’t I?” James replied, with a grim smile.
-
What else could James do, other than exactly what Mo had suggested? He supposed it was worth a shot, at least. If nothing else it would be good to see some friends and family for emotional support while he figured out what to do about Teddy. He’d be seeing them all in a couple of weeks for Christmas anyway, but this would give him a chance to get ahead of all the holiday cheer and actually talk to them in a less festive environment. James certainly wasn’t feeling particularly festive at the moment.
He wasn’t remotely ready to see Teddy again yet, and unfortunately even with all the talking they had done yesterday, James didn’t know where Teddy was currently living. He would either be at their flat, or at Luke’s place. Given what had happened with Teddy and Luke, the former seemed more likely, but it was still probable that Teddy would show up at both during the course of the next week, which left James only one option for somewhere to stay. It wasn’t by any means his preferred option, but beggars can’t be choosers. And either soon-to-be-unemployed or soon-to-be-single young men have no choice but to crash at their parents’ place.
He waited until late on Monday evening before heading to the portkey office, taking the next available one to England. The unplanned trip was a large expenditure that was going to put a bit of a dent into his savings, but that’s what it was there for, he supposed. Besides, this was important.
Once successfully through border control, he apparated to his parents’ front garden. He might have apparated directly inside if he’d been able to warn them he was coming, but he didn’t want to scare the shit out of his poor mother, or his father who was trained to attack when startled. And since his parents didn’t have a phone, and owl mail over such a distance took a few days, they had no idea that he was coming. That was also why he’d waited until evening in New Zealand, so as not to show up in the middle of the night here.
It was FREEZING outside, and even though James was wearing the thickest jumper he’d taken with him to the Pacific, he was completely unprepared for the UK in early December - frost covering the grass and piercing wind cutting through him as he hurried his way up the driveway, skirting around his dad’s car and knocking hastily on the front door. He was shifting his weight from foot to foot, shivering all over when the door opened, and his mother looked at him in utter confusion for a good five seconds at least.
“Hi Mum” James said with a smile. “Can I come in please, it’s bloody cold.”
“James, what are you doing here?” she asked, still sounding surprised, as she held the door open for him, pulling him into a tight hug the second he cleared the threshold.
“It’s a bit of a long story” James told her, hugging her back with one arm, the other holding onto his suitcase. He had expected the question, and thought it might best be answered sat down, with a cup of tea.
“Well come in, come in” Ginny replied, somewhat unnecessarily, as the moment she released him James advanced further into the warm house while she closed the front door. It was relatively early morning, and his mum was still wearing a dressing gown over her broomstick and snitch patterned pyjamas (which made James smile fondly). James would guess that his dad was probably at work already – in fact, he had tried to time his arrival for exactly that, wanting to deal with one parent at a time, if possible.
“Shall I put the kettle on?” James suggested, as he put his case down next to the stairs.
“Oh, I’ll do that” Ginny replied, walking past him towards the kitchen. “You sit down, you’ve come a long way.”
In terms of distance travelled, that was true, but James hadn’t had to do very much, between apparating to the New Zealand ministry, taking a portkey and then apparating here. All things considered, it had involved more physical exertion walking to and from his office this morning. He followed his mum into the kitchen anyway, figuring it as good a spot as any to fill her in. He took a seat at the table while she made two cups of tea, feeling actually somewhat at ease for the first time in the past couple of days. Mo had been right, it would do him some good to be home for a little while.
“Has Dad said anything to you about Teddy?” James asked tentatively, while his mum was pouring water into the mugs. She didn’t answer straight away, and James was starting to wonder if she’d even heard him, but when she turned around she was tight lipped and wearing a rather worried expression, and James knew that she knew something.
“Are you asking about something specific?” Ginny replied rather evasively, and James was torn between wanting to laugh and wanting to sigh in frustration.
“Mum, I’m pretty sure that I know more than you do, so you don’t need to worry about covering for him” James told her, as Ginny went to get the milk out of the fridge.
“So” she began, dragging out the word as she put the milk down on the counter next to the cups before turning to face James again and going on. “You know that your father picked him up from a muggle police station on Friday night?” she asked with a raised eyebrow.
“Yes, I do” James replied calmly, and Ginny looked slightly relieved.
“You know that he was arrested for fighting, and for assaulting a police officer?” she went on, and James was caught entirely off guard.
“Wait- what?!” he demanded. “He assaulted a police officer?” he repeated in shock.
“So you don’t know more than I do, then” Ginny replied smoothly with something of an ‘I told you so’ expression, before turning back to the tea, leaving James to huff indignantly. In other circumstances he might have laughed, but there was nothing funny at all about any of this.
“Jesus, Mum, what happened?” James asked her imploringly.
“All I know is what your dad told me” Ginny replied calmly. “Apparently Teddy said it was an accident. He hit him before seeing who it was.”
“Why wouldn’t he tell me that?” James frowned. It would have still come as a shock hearing it from Teddy, but it honestly paled in comparison to some of the other shit Teddy had told him. And it would have been infinitely preferable to hearing it from his mum, of all people.
“He’s probably ashamed of himself, James” Ginny suggested softly, bringing two mugs of steaming hot tea over to the table. She took a seat opposite James and offered him a sympathetic smile, which although was nice, did nothing to quell the horrible feeling James had that he really didn’t know his boyfriend as well as he thought he did at the moment.
“I saw him the morning after. He was in a right state” Ginny added somewhat inconsequentially.
“I should fucking hope so” James muttered, before he could stop himself. He expected his mum to admonish him for swearing and even moved back slightly out of arm slapping distance, but to his surprise she barely reacted at all, merely making a face of reluctant agreement.
“How did Dad take it?” James asked warily, not entirely sure if he wanted to know the answer or not.
“Pretty well, all things considered” Ginny replied, looking as though that was a surprise even to her. “But he certainly wasn’t happy about it. Teddy’s put him in a really difficult spot, you know.”
“How so?” James asked, frowning.
“Well he assaulted a police officer, James” Ginny replied, as though this should be obvious. “That’s against the law. By all rights, your father should be pressing charges against him.”
“He’s not going to, is he?” James asked, quite alarmed by this.
“No, of course he isn’t” Ginny replied wearily. “But you know what he’s like, that moral compass of his. He hates the fact that he has to cover it up.”
“I’m sorry, Mum” James told her dazedly. “I had no idea…”
“Well, it’s not your fault, is it?” she muttered darkly, and James looked away guiltily. Part of the blame lay very much with James. But she wasn’t to know that.
“Did Dad tell you anything else?” James asked, wrapping both of his hands around his mug and taking a tiny amount of comfort from the warmth seeping into his fingers.
“He did” Ginny replied. She paused before elaborating, looking like she was carefully considering what to say. “But it’s Chinese whispers at this point. You told Teddy, who told him, who told me.”
“Go on then” James prompted her. “Let’s see what’s been lost in translation.”
“There’s rumours of you taking a permanent job in New Zealand” Ginny replied, his face and tone both impassive, so James truly couldn’t tell what she made of that.
“It’s true” James told her. “There’s an offer on the table. But I haven’t decided if I’m taking it yet.”
Ginny apparently needed a moment to sit with that, sipping from her tea and not looking at James while she took it in. James could see something that looked like disappointment on her face. That much he had expected, of course she wouldn’t really want him to move so far away permanently. He also knew she wouldn’t want to let him know that, not wanting to discourage him, and sure enough when she looked back up at him she had rearranged her features into something much more neutral.
“Teddy doesn’t want to go” Ginny said simply. It wasn’t a question, so she had presumably gotten that second hand information from James’s dad as well. James nodded with a grim smile. At the very least this saved him the job of explaining it to her.
“That’s why I’m here” James told her. “I need to make up my mind what to do. Mo – my boss – thought I should take a few days, see my family. Figure things out.”
“But if you do move there permanently…?” Ginny frowned, looking confused. James thought he understood which part she wasn’t quite getting.
“Then we’d break up” he clarified. Ginny’s frown deepened at this but she apparently had nothing to say, merely sipping her tea and looking like someone who had just been given some pretty terrible news.
“I really don’t know what to do” James admitted, and Ginny looked back up at him, looking rather bewildered.
“I hope you’re not asking ME” she said blankly. “I’m not going anywhere near that one. This is your decision I’m afraid, love.”
“No advice at all?” James asked desperately. Ginny put a sympathetic hand on his forearm.
“Not really” she said with an apologetic grimace. “Just… try not to hurt him any more than you have to, yeah?”
“I don’t want to hurt him at all” James assured her. “But he’s hurting me too, you know that, right?”
“I know” Ginny smiled sadly. “But he does love you.”
“I know he does” James replied quietly. That only made it so much harder.
-
James’s room was exactly the same as he’d left it. His parent’s house was no mansion, but there was enough floor space that his parents hadn’t needed to repurpose his bedroom after he left. James rather thought they had probably kept it open for him intentionally anyway, he didn’t have the best track record for moving on.
Straight out of Hogwarts he was drafted into the minor quidditch leagues, which certainly didn’t pay enough for him to rent his own place - especially not in London, which was where he wanted to be (mainly because that’s where Teddy was). In any case, his parents weren’t exactly pushing him out of the door, so he had been happy enough living here for a while longer. It wasn’t long before the major league picked him up, and James was swept into a whirlwind of money and fame. He hadn’t let it go to his head all that much. Certainly not as much as some people (Teddy) thought he had, anyway. He had grown up semi-famous anyway, and he had seen his own mother go through the rise and fall of a career quidditch player. He knew exactly what he was in for, and he knew it wouldn’t last. But he also knew he was going to take full advantage of it while he had the chance. What on earth was the point in being a quidditch star if you didn’t let yourself enjoy it properly.
And so he had. James had lived in ludicrous extravagance for about a year and a half. He had rented a place in central London – a huge duplex flat with a mezzanine floor and swanky designer furniture. He had gone out every weekend to high end bars, putting disgusting amounts of money behind the bar. He had bought a ton of designer clothes (half of which he still owned, so he would call that net profit), and he had bought himself one of each of all the top range broomsticks, so he could decide which one to play with based on the slightest whims. The Cleansweep if there was a South-facing wind. The Firebolt if they were playing the Wasps. The Nimbus if he was feeling like doing a lot of sideways rolls.
James had known it wouldn’t last forever, but he had thought it would last longer than it turned out to. He probably would have been a bit more frugal with his earnings if he had known it would dry up in less than two years. But then again, perhaps not. He was only nineteen – a prat of the highest order, and someone who thought nothing could ever possibly go wrong for him.
But go wrong it had. The press had effectively driven him out of the major leagues. And once you’re out, you’re never getting back in. So James had returned home, with his tail between his legs, some hard life lessons learned. And his parents had welcomed him back with open arms, bless them. As far as he could remember, neither of them had ever even scolded him for blowing away as much money as he had, leaving himself with practically nothing to show for it. He’d sold most of the brooms and returned as many of the unworn clothes as he could, starting a modest savings pot for himself. He had to be responsible now. It was time to grow up.
Rather counter-intuitively, part of the growing-up process had been realising his best chance of lasting success was to stay living at his parents’ place while he built himself a decent amount of savings. And so he’d lived here again for another couple of years, saving away. He’d paid his parents a bit of rent, but it was more a good will gesture than anything else. They certainly didn’t need it. And so it was until Teddy had asked James to move in with him.
It had only been about a year that they had been living together, but for James it felt like longer. They had been together for two years before that, and James had been at Teddy’s three nights a week for the entirety of that time. And even before then, when they were just friends, James had crashed at his place after going out more often than not.
This room felt strangely both like home and also not like home. He had grown up in it, and spent probably what amounted to most of his adult life living in it, but it didn’t feel like it used to. It felt like a bedroom at his parents house, rather than his room. James’s room was now at his flat in Forest Gate. It was the one he shared with Teddy. But then again, maybe it wasn’t anymore. Maybe now it was his bedroom in his flat in New Zealand. The one he didn’t share with anyone.
James’s sleep cycle was completely out of whack with the time zone he was currently in, so he spent the entire afternoon sleeping. It was rather disconcerting upon waking to find that it had gone pitch black outside. When looking at the alarm clock on the bedside table, he was extremely confused for a moment as to why this would be the case at only six in the evening, before he remembered that it was winter here, and the days were short.
As James groggily emerged from the bedroom en route to the bathroom, he could hear someone clattering around downstairs in the kitchen. He knew it wasn’t his mum, as she had said she was out meeting a friend for dinner this evening. And unless Al had just decided to drop by for an impromptu visit, which seemed very unlikely, that only left one person it could be.
James sighed wearily as he shuffled towards the bathroom, and tried to resign himself to the fact that he had to have the conversation with his dad sooner or later. There was certainly no getting out of it if he was going to be staying here for the next couple of days.
He dawdled for as long as he possibly could, before even he was getting impatient with himself at this ridiculous avoidance, and he trudged down the stairs, steeling himself for what was bound to be an infinitely more painful version of the same conversation he’d had with Mo yesterday, and with his mother this morning. When he entered the kitchen, sure enough his dad was there, stirring something in a large saucepan. He must have spoken to James’s mum at some point, because when he turned round and saw James loitering in the doorway, he didn’t look surprised.
“I’m making risotto” Harry said evenly, gesturing to the pan. “Are you hungry?”
James frowned as Harry tuned his attention back to the pan. His father’s tone wasn’t cold as such, but it was rather devoid of emotion one way or the other, and James had expected somewhat of a warmer welcome than that, what with him having been away for nearly four months.
“Umm, I don’t know” James replied, a little thrown by the question. He didn’t feel particularly hungry, more just tired than anything else. “I should probably eat” James added, shrugging even though Harry wasn’t looking at him.
“It’s just you and me for dinner” Harry told him, his tone still casual, as though James being here wasn’t unusual in any way at all. James had no idea what that meant, but it couldn’t be good.
“I know” James replied simply. There was a bit of a pause in which James felt quite awkward, unsure whether he ought to say anything about why he was here. Before he’d decided, Harry spoke again.
“I think we need to talk.” His tone this time was rather grave, and James felt even more trepidation than he had before.
“That’s why I’m here” he replied carefully. “You sound like you have something to say” that part was news to James, although upon reflection maybe it ought not to be. Harry was currently not at all pleased with Teddy by all accounts. It made sense that some of that should spill over to James.
“Let’s get dinner on the table first” Harry returned calmly, and James’s scowl only deepened.
“Dad, please don’t make me just stand around here waiting for it” James said wearily. “If you’re going to yell at me, just…”
“I’m not going to yell at you” Harry replied, turning back to James again and looking quite confused as to why he thought that.
“So what, then?” James asked, no less confused himself.
“This is a mess, James” Harry told him, turning stern. “What’s going on with you and Teddy. It needs sorting, quickly.”
“You think I don’t know that?” James replied indignantly.
“I’m not sure you do, son” Harry said seriously. “This has knock on impacts that you probably don’t even realise. Did you know I’m covering for him at work while he’s struggling with all of this?”
“Yeah, I DO know” James countered irritably. “But I don’t see why that’s all my fault. I didn’t make him go out and punch a police officer, did I?”
“I’ve had words with him as well, believe you me” Harry replied darkly.
“Well good!” James burst out, well and truly angry now. “Because I came here because I’m struggling myself, Dad, and so far it seems like everyone just wants to blame ME for this whole thing. Teddy’s made up his mind, so it’s ALL on me. It’s MY fault he’s acting like this. It’s MY fault we’ve got to this point in the first place. It’s MY fault that we might break up over this. I’M hurting him, well you know what, Dad? HE’S hurting ME.”
A ringing silence followed in which Harry looked rather sorry, and the two of them just stared at each other, until something in the pan behind Harry started sizzling. He hastily turned around and extinguished the flames underneath it, not bothering with anything further and gesturing to the table, presumably for James to take a seat. Sighing wearily, James did so, and his father joined him. James didn’t really have anything more to say on the matter, so he just waited for Harry to speak again.
“I’m not telling you what to do” Harry prefaced, his tone much softer than it had been previously. “But I think you might want to re-examine your priorities here. It’s just a job, James. Is it really that important?”
“Why shouldn’t it be?” James bristled. He should have known Harry would be on Teddy’s side. Of course he fucking would be. “If someone wanted you to leave your job, would it be so easy?” Harry frowned at that, and James knew he’d made a pretty good argument.
“Well if that’s how you feel then stop stringing him along” Harry replied seriously, and James was extremely taken aback. “It’s not fair, James. He deserves to know where he stands.”
“I don’t want to break up with him” James replied, outraged. That should certainly go without saying.
“Well you need to do something” Harry replied firmly. “It can’t go on like this.”
“That’s why I’m here” James repeated irritably. Was he even listening?
“Well, good” Harry replied, giving in to some irritation himself by the sounds of it. “Do whatever you need to do, then. And do it quickly.”
James threw him a scowl, but didn’t bother to say anything is response. As if it was as easy as that. He knew it needed solving quickly. It’s not like he was dragging his heels intentionally.
Harry appeared to have said his piece, and he went back over to the cooker to revive the risotto, leaving James at the table to silently stew on it all. ‘Do whatever you need to do’, what useless fucking advice. If James knew what he needed to do he’d be out doing it right now. He had no idea how he was going to figure this out. Still the only thing that occurred to him was something he felt a little uneasy about doing. But the more he thought about it, the more he couldn’t see a way around it. And although it was liable to be somewhat uncomfortable, it was also sure to make him feel a least a little bit better.
“Do you know where he’s staying?” James asked his dad, who looked mildly surprised by the question.
“Still at Luke’s, far as I know” he replied, sounding unconcerned about it. James frowned. That only complicated the situation.
“Are you going to go and see him?” Harry asked.
“Eventually” James replied, evasively. That was true enough, he was going to have to see Teddy before he left, but he couldn’t even think about that right now. “I actually want to see Luke first.”
“Luke?” Harry asked confusedly.
“Yeah, he’s MY friend too” James frowned. And they had much to discuss. Much more than Harry knew.
-
By the time they finished dinner James was exhausted, both physically and mentally, and he had gone back to his room for the rest of the night. He slept for another few hours, but largely just tossed and turned, his mind going round in circles the way it had been doing ever since Teddy had come to see him two days ago. Christ, had it really only been two days? It felt like a lifetime.
The next day he did his best to avoid both of his parents, having had quite enough of discussing the current situation with either of them. For the most part it wasn’t all that difficult, given that his dad left for the office quite early, and he also heard his mum leave the house not long after. He didn’t know where she’d gone, but presumed it was work related. She was busiest during the quidditch season, but talent scouting was a year-round job, so she was probably off to some minor team practise, having a look at some prospects for the start of the new season in spring. She might even be going to Hogwarts, to watch a game there.
There was no point in calling Luke until after he’d be done with work himself, so James tried his best to distract himself while he waited. He went for a run, he did some hoovering, he read the newspaper. He retreated back to his bedroom in the later afternoon for a nap, since he still hadn’t slept particularly well last night, and his body clock thought it was four in the morning.
It wasn’t perhaps the most productive use of his day, but James really did appreciate the respite, and actually woke up feeling reasonably well rested. He was also pleased to see that the nap had effectively killed enough time that Luke should be home from work by now. As James scrolled through the short list of contacts in his phone to find Luke, he was also pleasantly surprised to discover that most of the trepidation he’d been feeling about it had gone, and he was genuinely quite looking forward to seeing his friend, even in spite of all that had happened. At least with Luke he could talk about it properly, and get into the gritty details that he didn’t want to discuss with his parents.
The call rang out and James hung up, mildly annoyed, as the voicemail message started playing. He wondered whether he ought to try again, maybe Luke just hadn’t got to the phone in time. He could send a text, asking Luke to call him, but there was always a chance Teddy might see it, since he was currently using Luke’s phone when needed, having broken his own. James wasn’t ready to face him yet.
Of course, there was also a chance that Teddy would see the missed call notification from James on Luke’s home screen, but there was nothing he could do about that now. Before James had chance to fret on this any further his phone started ringing. It was Luke, calling him back.
“Hey" James said simply as he answered.
“Hey yourself" Luke replied. It felt like a long time since James had heard his voice, and he suddenly realised that he had missed him quite a bit. He felt a small smile form on face.
“Can you talk?” James asked.
“I can" Luke replied calmly. “I had a feeling it was me you wanted to speak to, since you’re ringing at this time. Teddy usually works late, doesn’t he? Although he has actually been getting back at a reasonable time recently.”
“You’re right, it’s you I was after” James told him, impressed with his deduction, although it was purely coincidence that James was calling him at this time, having just woken up.
“I just stepped outside the flat. It’s freezing, by the way, so you’d best be grateful.” James smiled fondly at that. Not one minute in and Luke was already giving him shit. He really HAD missed him. “I assume since you’re calling me and not him you don’t want Teddy overhearing this” Luke ventured. “Not that I’m going to lie for you, but I can omit if you give me a good reason.”
“I need a friend" James offered.
“Well, I’d say that qualifies" Luke replied softly, and James felt another wave of affection for him.
“He tell you what went down, with us?” James asked warily.
“He told me more by what he didn’t say, if that makes any sense” Luke replied.
“Right" James replied shrewdly. “Your whole ‘Sherlock Holmes' thing.”
“I think of it more as a ‘Sigmund Freud' thing" Luke countered. “But let’s not split hairs.”
James paused for a second, wondering how to ask what he wanted to ask, but Luke spoke again before he had a chance.
“He’s a wreck, you know.” Luke didn’t sound angry, his tone was quite emotionless, but James knew that Luke was assigning him his due portion of the blame for this. Oddly, coming from Luke this sentiment didn’t rile James up nearly as much as hearing it from anyone else had. Coming from Luke, James knew he sort of deserved it.
“I know" he replied quietly, not sure what else to say on the matter.
“So what are you going to do about it?” Luke asked, in the same detached tone. Again, where this question had angered him from his parents, somehow coming from Luke it didn’t. Perhaps it was because he hadn’t framed it as some sort of accusation. He was genuinely just asking.
“Don’t know yet" James admitted. “I was hoping for your advice on that actually.”
“You want MY advice?” Luke asked, sounding surprised.
“Well I know you’ve been giving it to him" James replied. “So you seemed like the best person to ask.”
There was a pause in which James heard the distinctive clicking sound of a muggle lighter, which meant Luke was sparking up a cigarette. He waited patiently, hearing Luke blow out a long exhale before replying.
“I’m not sure it’s a good idea for me to be playing both sides like that" he said carefully.
“I’m not asking you to get involved" James insisted. “I know you wouldn’t, anyway. And I know if you had to take sides it wouldn’t be mine.”
“Well that’s where you’re wrong" Luke argued calmly. “I won’t ever take sides. Not between you two. No matter what.”
“I just need someone to talk to, Luke" James implored him. “Someone who knows us both. Someone who will give it to me straight if I’m being an arsehole about this.”
Luke paused again before answering, and James heard him blowing out smoke again.
“Certain aspects of your behaviour have been arsehole-ish" he said nonchalantly. “But jury’s out on whether that’s really your fault. Are you still an arsehole if you don’t know that you’re hurting someone because they’re hiding it from you?”
“I don’t know, you’re the philosopher" James said, nonplussed. Luke chuckled lightly in response, and James added “that’s kind of why I need you, here.”
“I don’t know how effectively this can be done over the phone” Luke replied. “My whole ‘Sherlock Holmes' thing works much better face-to-face.“
“Can we meet?" James asked hopefully. “I’m only here for a couple of days.”
“You’re in the UK?” Luke asked, sounding surprised again.
“Yeah, did I not say that?” James asked, frowning in confusion.
“No.” A pause. “I don’t know if I can keep that from him.”
“Please, Luke" James said quickly. “I’m going to tell him I’m here, I promise. We’re going to talk, properly. I just need to figure out what the fuck I’m going to say first.”
There was another long pause. James waited with baited breath.
“Alright. That’s sensible, I suppose" Luke replied. James felt a wave of relief wash over him.
“How soon can you get away?” James asked. “Don’t mean to pressure you or anything, but time is kinda of the essence here.”
“I agree" Luke replied. “I can come right now, if you’re ready?”
“Um, yeah, sure" James said. He hadn’t been expecting that. “I’m at my parents place. You know where it is?”
“Yeah, I’ve been there with Teddy once or twice back in the day" Luke replied. “They haven’t moved, right?”
“Not since I was born" James replied. “What are you going to tell Teddy?” he added hesitantly.
“Non specific errand, I guess" Luke replied. “He’ll be suspicious, but there’s no way he’d think it has anything to do with you.” James knew that Luke would eventually tell him about their meeting anyway, so he supposed there was no real point in crafting too elaborate a cover story.
“Alright" James agreed.
“See you in a minute, then" Luke said.
“Wait!” James interjected hastily, before he could hang up. There was still one more point that needed to be addressed.
“Yeah?” Luke asked. James hesitated again, unsure of how to say what needed to be said.
“What’s up, James?” Luke prompted him, and James steeled himself for it.
“Heard you kissed my boyfriend" James said quietly. Seriously. There was a long pause before Luke replied.
“I did” he said quietly. “And I’m sorry.” Another pause. “I’d reassure you that it didn’t mean anything, but I presume Teddy already did that. And I presume you believed him otherwise you’d have already ripped my head off by now.”
“Doesn’t make it alright though, does it?” James pressed him.
“No, it doesn’t” Luke agreed calmly. “Fair's fair. You can smack me when I get there.”
“I don’t want to smack you" James countered, biting back a laugh, because it wasn’t funny, not really. “I want to know it isn’t going to happen again” James said. “That I don’t need to worry about this.”
“It would be better to do this face to face" Luke told him.
“I don’t really want to have this conversation face to face" James replied flatly. “Do you?”
“I generally prefer to have all my conversations face to face. But this would be an uncomfortable one" Luke conceded. “Look, you don’t need to worry about Teddy and me" he went on. “There’s nothing there, alright?”
“If I want to believe you, does that make me naive?” James asked. Luke chuckled again.
“Maybe. But in this case you CAN believe me. I wouldn’t lie to you, kid.”
Maybe it was the affectionate use of the old nickname, or the sincerity of Luke’s voice, but James forgave him on the spot. He knew in his heart that neither Teddy or Luke would ever really betray him like that. What had happened couldn’t possibly have been anything meaningful. If he was honest with himself he had never really imagined that it could be. It was the idea of Luke being there for Teddy in ways that James wasn’t that had hurt, much more than the kiss itself.
“Alright" James said finally. “Get over here then, and we’ll see if seeing your face makes me want to twat you or not.”
“See you soon" Luke replied, sounding amused, before hanging up.
James took a minute after putting the phone down to rest his head down in his hands and try and ready himself for the conversation they were about to have. It didn’t really help, he still felt just as lost when he sat up again. He sighed and heaved himself up off the bed, heading downstairs to answer the door. Luke should be knocking on it any second. When he reached the bottom of the stairs it occurred to James that he didn’t have an obvious venue for this meeting in mind. Anywhere in the house would be open to them being overheard by his parents, which James did NOT want. But it was far too cold to have this conversation outside.
“Hey" James called to his parents, who he presumed were in the living room. “I’m going to go to the pub for a bit. With Luke.”
“Luke?” his mother’s voice called back, sounding surprised. “Is Teddy going, as well.”
“No" James replied flatly. “I’ve still not seen him yet.”
“But you are going to, right?” his mum appeared at the door of the living room wearing a concerned expression.
“Mum, can we talk about this later" James asked pleadingly, while he dug through the various coats hung by the door trying to find one he could borrow.
“You need to talk to him James" she replied gently.
“I know" James snapped back, feeling stressed. He instantly regretted taking a harsh tone with her afterwards.
“I’m sorry" he said quietly, turning to her while he pulled what was presumably one of his dad’s coats on. “I just... I don’t want to argue anymore. I need to get my head on straight before I can get into it with him again.”
Before Ginny had a chance to respond to this there was a knock at the door. She nodded to him to answer it.
“We’ll talk later, ok?” James asked her.
“Alright, love" she replied simply. “Have fun.”
“Don’t think ‘fun' is going to be on the cards, somehow" he muttered, before opening the door to Luke.
“Aren’t you a sight for sore eyes" Luke said by way of greeting, and James smiled and opened his arms for a hug. They embraced briefly on the threshold, before pulling back again.
“Hi Luke" Ginny called over. James glanced back to see that she was still standing in the living room doorway. “Nice to see you again, it’s been a while.”
“You too, Mrs Potter" Luke replied politely.
“Fancy a pint?” James asked him, before they could exchange any more pleasantries.
“If by pint you mean martini, then sure" Luke replied and James huffed a small laugh.
“Might struggle for that at the little local round here" he told him. “Tell you what, middle ground. Bottle of wine?”
“Now you’re talking" Luke agreed. Without further ado James stepped out of the door, Luke taking a couple of steps back to make room for him.
“I won’t be long" James called back to his mother, before closing the door behind him.
“Desperate to get out of there, were you?” Luke asked wryly as they started walking down the driveway towards the main road.
“Mum and Dad are both breathing down my neck to sort this out" James told him. “Thought it’d be best to get you out of there before you get dragged into it.”
“I think I’m already plenty dragged into it" Luke said sardonically. “But I appreciate it.”
James felt a flare of annoyance at that, coupled with a sudden urge to hit Luke in the arm. Before he even had chance to wonder where it had come from it overcame him, and James punched him in the bicep. Hard.
“FUCK" Luke yelped, holding onto his arm with his other hand and staggering sideways to put some distance between himself and James as they continued to walk down the street. “Jesus christ, James!" he added. “I thought you said you didn’t want to smack me?!”
“I’m as surprised as you, mate" James said honestly. “That was practically involuntary.”
“It’s not like I didn’t deserve it, but fuck, man" Luke said indignantly. “Message received. Teddy: off limits. Got it.”
“There was a time when I didn’t think I’d need to give you a dead arm for you to get that" James said irritably. Maybe he hadn’t quite forgiven Luke as much as he’d thought.
“Do we have a problem here?” Luke asked seriously. “Because if we do then that needs to be dealt with, before anything else.”
“I honestly don’t know, Luke" James told him wearily. “I didn’t think we did. I believe you both that it wasn’t a big deal.”
“But you weren’t prepared for how much seeing me in person would trigger your jealousy reflex?” Luke suggested.
“I guess so" James sighed. It was a better explanation than anything James had to offer, and Luke was usually right about these sorts of things.
“If it’ll help, I’ll say it again" Luke offered. “There’s nothing between us.”
“I know" James replied quietly. They walked side by side in silence for a little while.
“I don’t know what to do, Luke" James admitted finally, and he felt Luke’s eyes on him but he continued staring straight ahead as they walked. “If I come back here I’m going back to a job I fucking hate. But he won’t move an inch. He’s made it pretty clear that if I go, he’s not coming with me.”
“He knows what he wants" Luke replied, sounding concerned. “I think he’s hoping there’s some wiggle room in your future plans, because his are pretty set in stone.”
“And what if mine are too?” James demanded. “What happens then?”
“I don’t know" Luke said quietly.
“And even if mine aren’t as set in stone as his” James went on. “Does that mean they’re any less important? Why is it ME that has to give up what I want?”
“Are you asking me what I think, or what he thinks?” Luke asked. James was surprised by this, and took a moment to think about it.
“Both, I guess" he replied. “Him, first.”
“I think the way he sees it is that neither of you are going to get what you want without the other losing something, right?” Luke explained. “For him it’s a job that he loves, and proximity to family that means a lot to him. For you it’s a job that you don’t actually have yet. What he’s losing is tangible. For you it’s theoretical.”
“And what do YOU think?” James demanded, enraged by this.
“I think what Teddy maybe isn’t fully appreciating is that for you it also involves a job that you love, and that means a lot to you. Maybe even just as much as his does to him.” Luke replied. “And he’s also not entertaining the possibility that he could have a job he loves just as much over there. He thinks that only exists for him here. Which maybe it does, what do I know. But the point is, you two could theoretically have it all over there. But again, this is theoretical.”
James smiled at Luke appreciatively. It felt good to have someone finally understand where he was coming from. To know that he wasn’t being an arsehole about this.
“Have you said any of that to him?” James asked.
“I have" Luke replied calmly. “But it didn’t change anything, and I wouldn’t have expected it to. He’s never much been one for gambling on the theoretical. He likes stability in his life.”
“Why is stability so bloody important, anyway?” James muttered, annoyed.
“Spoken like someone who’s never not had it" Luke replied coolly, and James felt bad for a moment. He took a moment to consider that nothing he ever did really felt like that much of a gamble, because he had always had the safety net of his family to take him back in. Although to be fair, it wasn’t like Teddy didn’t have that too. James’s parents would never see him out on the street.
“Thing is, James" Luke went on. “Even if he could wrap his head around how important this is to you, it wouldn’t make a difference. He’d feel guiltier about asking you to give it up, but he’d still ask you to. Because he feels like the alternative is him giving up everything that means anything to him, apart from you. That’s just too high a price to pay.”
James had nothing to say to that. They arrived at the pub in silence moments later and James went in first, holding the door open behind him for Luke. The bar area was relatively empty, which James had expected since it was a Tuesday evening. He asked for a bottle of rose wine and two glasses and Luke waited with him for it at the bar, looking around the pub curiously. It was a wizard tavern, probably been here for several centuries. The walls were bare stone masonry and the ceiling was held up by deep wooden beams, half of which were sloping at odd angles. The place was lit by candle brackets lining the walls as well as candlesticks on all of the old wooden tables.
“Take your pick" James said to Luke, gesturing around the place as he paid the barman. There were only two other groups of people in here – a family who looked as though they were here for a meal and an old couple sat by the window.
Luke chose a table that was against one of the walls, fairly close to the fireplace, but far enough away that they wouldn’t be disturbed by anyone flooing in. James plonked the wine and glasses down on the table before sinking into a seat, pulling his jacket off while in the chair, which he then bundled up and shoved on the one next to him. Luke neatly took off his scarf and coat while still stood, placing them carefully over the back of his chair before taking a seat.
“Sunset meadow" Luke read aloud from the label of the wine bottle. “Notes of wild strawberry.”
“You’re going to hate it" James advised him, holding out his glass for Luke to fill.
“Oh well, needs must" Luke said unconcernedly as he unscrewed the cap from the bottle and poured them each a large glass.
“It’s not that bad, actually" Luke said, after taking a sip. “Having said that, me and Teddy were drinking boxed wine that night we were arrested. Can you imagine? I think my opinion of what bad really is has shifted since then.”
“Tell me about that night" James frowned. “I got the headlines from Teddy, but I figured your perspective will be a bit more enlightening.” He took a sip of the wine and grimaced. He disagreed with Luke entirely on it not being that bad. He slightly regretted committing to sharing a full bottle of it, and wished he’d gotten a beer instead. But that wasn’t why they were here, really.
“Which bit?” Luke replied. “The arrest itself or the regrettable incident that followed? Because I’ve a feeling that getting into the details is going to make you want to pummel me some more, and I’d ask that you let me at least sink a couple of glasses of this first.” He was wearing an amused smile and James was caught between making a sarcastic comeback and telling Luke to take this seriously. It wasn’t often that James was the grown up in the room, but Teddy and Luke brought out this childish mischief in each other which often left James playing the hard ass.
“Tell me how it got so out of hand" James ploughed on, steeling himself and taken another drink of his wine. It wasn’t getting any better.
“Oh, Teddy meant for it to get out of hand right from the outset" Luke told him grimly. “He came storming into the flat like a hurricane, already half cut, saying we both needed to blow off some steam.” Luke paused to take a drink before going on. “And he was right about that, to be fair. But I probably shouldn’t have encouraged him. I’m going to play the dead mum card on that one. My judgement hasn’t exactly been crystal clear lately.”
“I’m not blaming you for it" James said kindly.
“Maybe you should" Luke offered, frowning. “I knew he was in a bad way, James. I knew it wasn’t helping either of us, being in that flat together. But I wanted him there.”
“So you just had a big night out?” James asked. “That’s all it was?”
“Well on the surface that’s all it was" Luke supplied, and James paid close attention. This was the sort of thing it was invaluable having Luke around for.
“But the context behind it was me and Teddy getting sloshed and reminiscing about old times on an almost nightly basis for a couple of months leading up to this.” Luke explained. “In our minds I think we both thought we were eighteen again. The world was our playground.”
“Yeah, I remember being eighteen" James smiled wistfully. Honestly, it wouldn’t be the first time any of them had been fighting with muggles on the street.
“But we’re not, anymore" Luke stated, and James was surprised by the firmness of his tone. “Actions have consequences now.”
“What kind of consequences?” James asked. “You’re not in trouble at work, are you?”
“No, no" Luke replied dismissively. “I don’t see any reason why they need to find out about this. But Teddy’s jeopardising his promotion. Harry told him in no uncertain terms that he better get his shit together. And he’s holding the promotion back until Teddy’s shown him that he has.”
James was stunned by this. Why hadn’t Teddy told him that? Between that and his mum dropping the rather staggering information on him yesterday about Teddy assaulting a police office, he was beginning to feel like Teddy had given him a heavily abridged version of events when he had told him about it.
“You didn’t know that?” Luke asked, looking surprised.
“Christ, how much is he not telling me?” James muttered, thinking aloud more than he was actually talking to Luke.
“This thing with you two needs resolving" Luke told him firmly, and James scowled at him. He was sick of everyone telling him this.
“He’s a fucking mess, James” Luke implored him. “He should be talking to you and not me, but he can’t, can he? And it’s not your fault he’s acting like a fucking teenager, but he’s not going to stop. He thinks he’s losing you.”
“I can’t tell him that he’s not" James replied miserably. There was a long pause in which Luke just stared at him indignantly, as though waiting for him to take it back. When he didn’t, Luke’s expression changed into something that James couldn’t quite place, but he knew it was close to anger.
“You’re a fucking idiot if you let him go" Luke said harshly.
“So I should just do whatever he wants then? And to hell with what I want?” James bristled.
“I didn’t say that" Luke scowled. “But this is Teddy we’re talking about. Your job’s really more important than him?”
“It’s not about what’s ‘more important'” James replied heatedly, wondering how many more times he was going to have to have this argument. “It’s about him expecting me to give up everything while he gives up nothing.”
“Teddy isn’t included in your ‘everything'?” Luke asked angrily. “Because he fucking should be! You’re sure as hell in his.”
James had scarcely seen Luke get this angry before, and he had certainly never seen Luke this invested in something between James and Teddy. He usually outright refused to get involved one way or the other. It was true that both Teddy and James had dragged him into the middle of this one, but even so this seemed like an extreme reaction on Luke’s part.
“Why are you yelling at me right now?” James asked slowly. “I thought you understood where I’m coming from.” Luke’s expression softened at this and he took a deep breath.
“I’m not yelling" he said, which was true, he hadn’t raised his voice, but his tone up until now had been unnecessarily harsh, in James’s opinion. The one he was using now was much more calm and even. “I do understand where you’re coming from. I’m not telling you not to take the job. I’m saying there’s got to be a way through this where Teddy doesn’t lose you” Luke went on. “I’m not trying to take his side. But you’ve got to understand that Teddy’s been my best friend since we were eleven. I’m protective of him, alright?”
A red flag raised itself in James’s mind at these words, and it took him a moment to figure out why. A few things slotted into place as he recalled earlier snippets of the conversation, and James forgot about everything else entirely in the wake of what this might mean.
I knew it wasn’t helping either of us, being in that flat together. But I wanted him there... me and Teddy getting sloshed and reminiscing about old times... You’re a fucking idiot if you let him go...
"Luke..." James began tentatively. Asking Luke to verify that a drunken kiss between him and Teddy hadn’t meant anything was one thing, but asking Luke what James was about to ask him was infinitely more serious. He had no idea how to phrase the question without just coming right out with it, but that felt rather like taking a sledgehammer to their entire friendship and he was sure he ought to approach this more carefully. Part of him wasn't even sure he wanted to ask the question at all, but he knew that he needed to. This could be monumentally important. Luke looked back at him warily, clearly knowing that whatever was going through James’s mind didn’t bode well for him.
"Are you in love with Teddy?" James asked quietly.
Luke's choked on his drink as he momentarily looked shocked by the question but he regained composure remarkably quickly. He didn't answer right away, looking away from James and clearing his throat before taking a large gulp of his wine and placing the glass carefully back down on the table before meeting James's eyes again. James silently watched him, with rising fear mounting in his chest. The fact that Luke hadn't immediately denied it could not mean anything good.
"Here's the thing, mate" Luke finally said, his tone quite calm, but he was massaging his forehead with one hand and looking extremely tired all of a sudden. "No good can possibly come from me asking myself that question. So I don't.”
James didn't quite know what to say to that. He studied Luke's expression, looking for some indication of his feelings, but Luke wasn’t giving anything away. The silence hung heavily between them for a moment before Luke spoke again.
“Things have got kind of confusing, on my end, these past couple of months" he offered. “I’m an orphan. And Teddy, well, he knows what that’s like. And he knows me probably better than anyone else in the world. He’s been there for me. And none of us should read anything more into how I feel about that, because I don’t fucking know which way is up at the minute, emotionally speaking.”
“So you think it’s just because of the grief?” James asked carefully.
“Even if it’s not" Luke went on reasonably. "It doesn't matter, anyway. You’re the love of his fucking life. You and him are perfect together. I don’t want you two to split up."
"Luke" James implored him. "It does matter, of course it matters. If you and Teddy-"
"There is no me and Teddy" Luke cut across him firmly. "Not like that. There never has been." He didn't even seem to be upset, but rather just uncomfortable at the conversation they were having. James couldn't fathom it. He couldn't imagine being in love with your best friend but not wanting to do anything about it. Watching from the side-lines while they were with someone else. He frowned at Luke in confusion, who gave him a grim smile in return.
"It is what it is" he shrugged again. "Just forget it, alright? Probably best we just forget this whole thing."
"I don't know how you expect me to do that" James replied, his entire world rocked. Luke sighed deeply, picking up his wine again and draining the glass. James continued to study his expression, looking for the pain that he was sure must be there, but Luke displayed nothing besides what seemed like exasperation at his unwillingness to let the subject drop.
"I think you should tell him" James pressed him, as Luke refilled his own glass from the bottle on the table. Luke looked up at him looking bewildered.
"Now why on earth would you want me to do that?" he asked, as if this were an insane suggestion. James supposed that it probably was, coming from him.
"Because -" James faltered. Getting the next bit out was harder than he'd anticipated. He swallowed the lump in his throat and ploughed on. "Because what if he feels the same way?"
"He doesn't" Luke replied automatically, and for the first time since James had asked him if he was in love with Teddy, he saw Luke’s guard lower ever so slightly, and there was hurt in his eyes. That only served to strengthen James's resolve.
"We don't know that" he replied simply. Luke looked once again utterly confused at this entire situation.
"What are you doing?" he asked, eyeing James suspiciously, as though he thought maybe this was some sort of trap. James reflected that it must be very strange to be in Luke's position, to have one of your mates all but tell you to go after their boyfriend. He wondered for a moment why indeed he was pressing this so hard. Luke was right, probably no good could come of it. Certainly no good could come of it for James. But maybe this wasn't about him.
"What's right" James replied simply. Luke shook his head in disbelief and looked like he was about to argue, but James shot him down before he could say anything.
"No. Listen. You and Teddy have been friends for how long?"
"Eighteen years" Luke replied.
"Eighteen years" James repeated. "And I've been with him for three."
"We both know you two have been in love a lot longer than that" Luke argued.
"But not eighteen years Luke" James said. His eyes started watering as he did so. He wished they had. Wished the age gap between them was smaller. That they had as extensive a history as Teddy and Luke did. He wished he didn't have to have this conversation and above all he wished that Luke would stop trying to be so fucking noble and only making this harder. "Maybe it's supposed to be you" James told him, his voice wavering as he did so. "Maybe it was always supposed to be you."
"Oh Christ" Luke said in a pained way, as James impatiently wiped away the wetness in his eyes. "That's simultaneously the mostly selfless and most fucking stupid thing anyone has ever said to me."
James laughed a little, in spite of everything and Luke gave him a consoling smile.
"Like you said, James, we had years before you came along. If it was going to happen, it would have happened by now" Luke replied. “Teddy has a type and it sure as shit isn’t me. It’s guys with biceps bigger than my head” he nodded to James at this, who huffed a small laugh.
“Come on, Luke, we both know that doesn’t really matter” he reasoned.
“It does, but not in the way you’re thinking" Luke replied. “Not long after you started coming out with us, he went through a phase of exclusively fucking redheads. I called him out on it too and he accused me of being a perv, just for suggesting it. Like it wasn’t fucking obvious what he was doing.”
This was news to James, who was taken aback by it. Had Teddy really been looking at him for that long?
“You were under his skin from that very first time" Luke told him with a small smile. "He's never looked at me the way he looks at you, kid. He's never looked at anyone that way." There was that note of pain again, this time not just in Luke's eyes, but also in his voice, and James realised in that split second that the hurt that Luke was showing wasn't his own. It was on behalf of Teddy.
"You just want him to be happy, don't you?" James asked Luke, and he nodded, looking slightly relieved that James finally understood him. And he did. Luke loved Teddy so altruistically that he just wanted him to be with whoever made him happiest. He clearly thought that person was James.
James let out a slow exhale as the pressure in his chest loosened. He didn’t even realise how much panic he'd been holding onto for this entire conversation until it started to alleviate. It was however now replaced with guilt. Luke didn't even care about his own feelings in any of this, he just wanted what was best for Teddy. James wondered if he could honestly say the same. Maybe he really was the one Teddy wanted, but was he really the best person for him?
"I still think you should tell him" James said calmly.
"Why?" Luke asked, nonplussed. James shrugged.
"Because you never know."
"I do know” Luke argued. “Sherlock Holmes, remember? I’d fucking know if he felt anything for me.”
“Maybe he didn’t until now" James countered. “But don’t you think he could? If there's the slightest chance you could make him happier than I do, don't you think you should take it?"
Luke scowled at James in response to this, as though he was being intentionally difficult.
"And you'd be alright with that, would you?" He asked sceptically.
"Well no, not really" James replied. "I'd have to kick the shit out of you, obviously. But I want him to be happy too."
"So then what happens to you in this scenario?" Luke asked, looking thoroughly annoyed now. "You fuck off, to the other side of the world probably, and me and Ted never see you again. You think that's what's best for all of us, do you?"
The sentiment that Luke didn't think a future for him or Teddy without James in it was a good one wasn't entirely lost on James, who was mildly touched by this, but that particular statement was far too pointed to disregard what Luke was clearly getting at.
"Right, so now we're fucking getting somewhere" James argued back, flaring up again, somehow more defensive about this point than he had been about finding out one of his closest friends was in love with his boyfriend. He pushed that thought quickly to the back of his mind, to be dealt with later.
"You don't think I should take the job, why don’t you just fucking say it?”
"Don't do that, don't project this on me" Luke told him dismissively. "YOU need to make that decision. It doesn’t matter what I think."
"Stop saying it doesn't matter, it fucking matters" James replied angrily. "You're telling me your feelings don't matter because all you want is me and Teddy to be happy, but all the while you think I'm a selfish prick for thinking about my own future."
"No, that's what you want me to think" Luke fumed back. "So it's easier for you to reconcile with fucking off, you can tell yourself we're the selfish arseholes who don't care about what you want. Well I'm not going to give you that."
"It's a bit hard to believe you're not holding a grudge about it when you keep describing it as fucking off!" James shot back "Why won't you just fucking admit it? You don't think I should go!"
"OF COURSE I DON'T FUCKING THINK YOU SHOULD GO" Luke said loudly, causing the other patrons in the bar to all turn around and look at them. Luke completely disregarded this. "But I'm not going to tell you not to, or call you a prick for doing it!" he added, at a quieter volume, but his tone still forceful.
"But you'll hate me for it, if I do?" James challenged him. Luke shook his head angrily.
"You still don't get it, do you?" He shot back. "I won't hate you, no matter what you do. And neither will he. But if you do go, it's going to break his fucking heart, and yours as well. So it better be fucking worth it!"
"And you don't think it is?" James demanded. Luke paused for a moment before answering him, surveying James carefully.
"Only person who knows that is you" he said irritably. “But for what it’s worth, no, I don’t think it is. But maybe I’m not the impartial observer I once was in all this.”
“No, you’re not" James agreed, realising as he said it what a blow this was. He and Teddy really relied on Luke to be the voice of reason in their lives. And James had really been relying on Luke for some clarity. He felt a million times more conflicted now.
“So what now, then?” James asked, moodily.
“You need to figure out what you want" Luke told him. “And what you’re willing to sacrifice. And you need to do that knowing that you’re not going to change Teddy’s mind on it.”
“I meant what about me and you" James said flatly. “Or you and him.”
“Nothing" Luke said seriously. “Teddy doesn’t need to know about any of this, it’ll only fuck with his head and he doesn’t need that right now. As for me and you" he shrugged. “I don’t know. Do you want me to fuck off?”
“No" James said dully. “You’re still just about the best friend I’ve got, in spite of everything.”
“That’s kind of sad for you" Luke replied with the vaguest hint of a smile.
“Isn’t it just" James said back with a grim smile.