Between looks and texts
“ I don’t know how to thank you for what you’ve done. ” To no ones surprise, Remus doesn’t know how to respond naturally to that.
" Don’t thank me for anything. Like I always say, it’s my- "
" Your job, I know. " Sirius ends up sighing with exhaustion. " God, I should have gotten here sooner. "
" You had no way of knowing. "
" I know, but- " With his voice trembling, Sirius embraces Harry more strongly, as if he feared that if he let go a little, that woman would take him away. " Forgive me, Pup. "
" It’s all right. " The child in his arms calms him down. " Professor Lupin protected me. "
" I know, and I appreciate it very much, but. . . Fuck, Harry, I’m sorry. "
Remus stays out of the conversation, once again not knowing where to hide.
Sirius slips Harry back into a hug, deeper than the others he’s been giving him so far. He closes his eyes for a few moments, as if grateful to be able to hold him back. He puts one last kiss on his forehead and slides it out of him.
" Go get your things, kid. We're going home. “ Without arguing much further, Harry obeys and goes to his desk to collect all the scattered things.
Even far away, Sirius doesn’t take his eyes off him.
" I should have warned you. " He admits. " But she never took him to school, so I thought she wouldn’t find him. " Frustrated, he twists his hair and face. " I should have changed his school when I got him out of there, damn it! "
Remus feels small when he asks: " And why didn’t you? "
“ Because everything was changing, and he’s already lost a lot of things. I wanted to leave him something that was familiar, that he could hide in something- something that would stay the same. " He can understand that, and even though it turns out it was a risk, it’s good to see that he took a risk for Harry's mental health. " Now it’s too late, and if I do it now, that psycho can say some nonsense as if I have kidnapped him or- " With frustration, Sirius stops. " It’s quite a situation, I’m sorry. Now I-I can’t explain it to you in detail but- I need to ask you something. “ And for the first time since he arrived, Sirius takes his eyes off Harry and lays them on Remus, taking him by surprise. " Don’t let her take it. She can’t- Harry’s better off with me, I know it doesn’t look like it but- but he is, I promise. “ His begging is desperate, and Remus would selfishly wish he was anyone else. “ So please promise me you won’t let him take it. Promise me. "
And now, being a good person, Remus finds himself caught between a sword and a wall.
" As his teacher, I can’t- "
" I know you can’t do it on behalf of the school. " He interrupts him. " I know the school can’t take responsibility for this, but I’m not asking you as a tutor to a teacher: I’m asking you as a friend. I’m asking Remus, not Professor Lupin. Please. "
Remus knows he can’t accept, that by doing so he compromises the whole school, even if Sirius denies so. But he also wants to say yes, with all the strength of his heart.
And for once, perhaps because he has witnessed so closely the life of this family or because simply because he is truly a good person, he accepts.
Remus says he’ll try, but he doesn’t promise anything. And even with such a vague answer, that’s enough to bring relief to Sirius.
" Thank you. " He gets a lump in his throat when he sees the tears that run away from the other. " Really, thank you very much. “ And Remus is frightened to see him slip from his chair to the floor, afraid that he will bend down and kneel. Fortunately, that’s not the case. " Here. “ Instead, he takes a dark card out of his pocket and hands it to him. Remus is confused for a few seconds, not understanding. “ It’s my studio number, but it’s also my personal number. “ Now the one about to fall from the chair is Remus.
" What? "
" My number. " Sirius repeats, insisting on the card. " Take it. "
" I-I don’t. . . "
" Take it. If she comes back, which unfortunately is most likely, I want to be the first to know. “ Of course, that’s why, get a grip, Remus.
" Accepting parent numbers is a bit. . . "
“ But I’m not a father now, am I? “ He shouldn’t be so good at convincing Remus, it’s not fair. ” I’m a friend. Please. I won’t use it for anything unprofessional, I promise. Just knowing you have my number, I’ll bring me peace. "
" Padfoot, I’m ready. " And taking advantage of the fact that he turns towards Harry (who so proudly has his suitcase packed and picked up on his back), Sirius grabs his hand and puts the card in his fist, refusing to be rejected as soon as he jumps out of the chair.
Upon reaching him, Sirius immediately carries Harry in his arms, dividing the weight of his belongings between him and Harry.
“ Then it’s time for us to leave. ” When he looks at him, Remus doesn’t have the strength to give him back the number.
And without saying a word, with only a few grateful eyes that promise a better explanation in the future, the two leave, leaving Remus looking down at the black card of a dog drawn under the name Marauders and an address.
† † †
He already has the number added to his contacts, and a well-professional name attached (Sirius) and he just has to save it. But he’s been trying to summon up the courage to press that damn save.
He has no idea what’s got him so blocked, which is exactly what keeps him from doing something as simple and trivial as adding a number to his empty agenda. It’s not like that means something between the lines, he’s just a tutor worried about his godson. That’s all.
But it’s something else.
Something to do with that woman who broke into the classroom to take Harry by the arm, and who also gave him a panic attack. That is something for which he has no answer and on which he has placed all his confidence in Sirius, hoping it will not be the wrong one. He has not given him any explanations, only pleas and a reason too vague for the seriousness of this matter, and that is still hidden in the back of his head.
He knows he doesn't know the man in the dark mane and leather jacket, but today was like a slap-like reminder. It wasn’t pretty.
And his mind goes back to the article.
What if he finds some additional explanation? What if it helps fill in the blanks and get a picture more clearly? What if-?
Immediately, Remus gets that invasive thought out of his head.
No, no. Reading the article is off the table.
But not to find out about that store. After all, it was Sirius himself who handed him the card.
Throwing the phone aside (not knowing how the contact has been successfully saved), Remus jumps to his computer with the card he has been walking around for hours and puts the place in the search engine.
It’s a bit tricky to find the store since it’s not the only result with Marauders in the name, but in doing so, it gets a small link to Instagram.
It is a tattoo studio tucked away in a street in the centre of the city, cosy and eye-catching thanks to the drawing of a huge deer, dog and various flowers that is stamped on the glass.
The account itself is small and not well known, but the photos uploaded on it of the works almost leave Remus breathless.
He’s always been a fan of tattoos (there's a reason he hides several of them under thick layers of clothing), so his knowledge of what’s a good job and what's not, comes from interest, and certainly what’s in that studio is definitely several works of art.
By chance (not for anything else) Remus sees two links under the account biography and when he presses the first one, he is suddenly taken to the account of an attractive dark-haired man and a beautiful collection of tattoos – just a second, is that-?
“ Holy shit-. ”
Remus turning red at the sight of a photograph of the tutor of one of his students bragging about tattoos, it’s because he is surprised. Surprised to see him so healthy, taking care of and happy, the surprise to see that-
That’s right. The last picture is from about six and a half months ago.
A lump is created in his throat that removes redness from his face, so he closes the tab and leaves the computer to return to his phone.
It’s amazing how much your life can change once something is taken from you.
Taking up the device and sitting on the sofa in his dining room, Remus finds the number ready to speak glowing on his screen.
† † †
" Padfoot, can I sleep with you today? “ It's true that as soon as they arrived home, Sirius prepared dinner for him and then sent him to brush his teeth and go to sleep, but he did not expect the child to obey.
" Of course, you can. “ And moving to one side of the bed, Sirius clears the other so that the child can jump and hide under the sheets. " Are you all right? Covered and warm? " Instead of answering, Harry merely nods repeatedly. " Good. I’m not turning off the light yet, so if it bothers you, don’t hesitate to let me know, okay? "
" Okay. "
Truth be told, Sirius isn’t doing anything special to stay awake (he’s barely using his phone watching random apps with half his attention on it), but if he’s sincere, he’s doing it because he doesn’t feel like sleeping. Doing so allows his mind to wander as it pleases.
" Will I have to go back to her? “ And the little boy’s question is so unexpected that Sirius finds himself without shields to face it.
" What? " Seeing that the conversation is becoming serious and of great importance, Sirius turns off his phone and turns to Harry.
“ You told me everything would be fine if she didn’t come looking for me. Now she’s here, does that mean I won’t be able to live with you? "
" Of course not! I know I told you that, but- but I was wrong. Even if she found you, I won’t let you go with her. "
" Will you promise me that? "
There’s nothing in this world that Sirius hates more than having to lie to Harry, even when he promised he would never. But this is one of those white lies, like “Santa Claus exists, don’t worry” or “No, I’m not hungry. I’ve been filled with just watching you eat. ” This is the same thing. Because as much as he wants to tell him that everything is on their side to get custody of Harry, it can’t look as favourable in the eyes of the law. As much as it hurts him, he is a single man in his twenties without a stable relationship or job, struggling every day to make ends and whose mental health is not the greatest at the moment. She was a mother that everyone can defend who was loving, with roots already laid and money deposited into her account every month.
And the most important and the reason that worries him the most: she is a blood family, and he is only on paper.
But he doesn’t have to know that, Harry, his innocence shouldn’t be hurt like that. That’s adult stuff, so for him to sleep peacefully, Sirius forces the most natural of his smiles and says:
" Of course. I promise. " And even knowing that this lie comes from a good place, the feeling that he’s a failure as a tutor who presses on his chest every time he looks at Harry, hits him with overwhelming aggressiveness. And it doesn’t get better when he sees the expression of relief from the little one.
" It’s a promise, right? It can’t be broken. " It hurts to see how he resembles his father when he reflects on the assurance and confidence that a promise is forever. But Sirius pretends not to notice.
" Never. “ After appearing satisfied with his answer, Harry turns around with the blanket up to his head, leaving Sirius feeling like a fraud.
Fortunately, his depressive and dummy state is interrupted by the vibration of his cell phone. To distract himself, Sirius grabs the device and reads the sudden notification.
Unknown number:
Professor Lupin.
It’s me.
I’m Professor Lupin, I don’t know why I sent that first text so suddenly.
Did I sound aggressive?
Probably.
That was not the intention.
I mean, I just wanted you to know that this is my number, in case I have to use it (I hope I don’t, honestly). So you have it added.
I don’t want you to think I dislike having it, the way it seems with my first text.
Let’s see.
I’m not happy to have it (given the circumstances), but I understand why.
I’m not saying that if it happened under other circumstances, I’d be happier, like, I don’t know, if you gave me your number in a bar, but I wish it wasn’t for that woman.
Oh, God.
I’m not saying-
I wasn’t-
It was an example, I don’t want you to feel uncomfortable, I just-
Did I just send you 16 texts to tell you who I am?
I’m sorry, I don’t want you to think that I’m going to abuse your number, because that’s not my intention.
Seventeen messages
And now you're reading them.
Holy Mother.
I’d better shut up and go to sleep.
Just-
Ignore what just happened.
I’m sorry.
Good night.
And he doesn’t regret reading each of those texts, because the laughter that they give him thanks to Remus' adorableness is so great, that Harry wakes up and asks him about it. Obviously, Sirius doesn’t tell him, but that doesn’t save him from spreading joy and good vibes.
† † †
The day Remus learns not to be a complete disaster and to show himself at the slightest, is going to be a day when humanity will finally begin to progress.
To further embarrassment, Sirius has responded.
Sirius Black:
Thank you.
Thanks for what?
To humiliate himself? To make a fool of himself like a clown? Saying inappropriate things at the worst possible time?
" Thank you, he says. . . mother- "
† † †
Remus tries to stay distant and professional when he sees Harry enter his class the next day. After all, the boy seems just as happy as ever, as if yesterday didn’t even happen. But his worry weighs heavily, so before all the children arrive, Remus approaches him discreetly and asks him about his condition.
" I’m fine, Professor. “ He replies calmly and with a bright smile on his lips. " Don’t worry. "
But Remus is a constantly worrying machine, so he doesn’t stop doing it just because Harry asked him to. But he’s also an expert at keeping those worries to himself, so he doesn’t vocalize them even when Sirius comes to pick him up at the end of the school day (even if Marlene later tells him that he’s been there for half an hour before the kids go home) and the two talk about trivial and quick things, sometimes including other parents and sometimes just being them. Two in their little world.
These conversations are dangerous, definitely, because they make Remus notice more details about Sirius (details he knows perfectly well he shouldn’t know) such as that his dimples sink when he smiles, that his laugh can become very scandalous and loud when he laughs from the bottom of his soul (the occasions when he’s accomplished it on his own merit, Remus has been very proud of himself), that when he is nervous he pulls his hair away from his face to behind his ear (even if he has his hair picked up) or that when he disagrees with someone his expression gives him away immediately. And for him to know that, it’s wrong. A teacher shouldn’t pay so much attention to a tutor.
And so the days go by, without new events that raise questions and carrying with them the incredible curiosity that once consumed Remus, turning the situation into a past and distant one. The woman has not reappeared, and her absence favours Sirius' level of tranquillity (Measured by Remus as he sees how with each passing day, Sirius takes things more and more calmly).
And between jobs, homework and a few exams (Remus doesn’t want to throw roses at himself because it’s not a competition, but of all the classes in his course, his has been the highest average), the calendar is December. And with December, the long-awaited Christmas holiday.
“ I know you’re all excited about the arrival of the holidays, and that there’s only half an hour of classes left, but please, let’s calm down. " Even with children’s respect and appreciation (believing them every time someone confesses one of their problems and tries to find a solution has been a very influential factor), creating peace is a difficult task when something so good is so close.
It has been a long day, full of handicrafts, glue and glitter (trying to teach them anything the day before the holidays is a complete waste of time), but also fun. They all laughed, sang carols and gave small details to their teacher, who last night was baking Christmas cookies for each of their students with a different and personal design (very successful).
After trying to put a lot of order and having to resort to baseless threats that no one has taken seriously (and they weren’t either), time runs out and the bell does its job at the end of the class. The children disappear under the arms of their parents one by one, wishing their teacher a merry Christmas with bright smiles and in a hurry to get home.
" Remus. " And among those parents, Sirius.
" Sirius. " It’s hard to say his name without smiling at the end, but Remus manages enough to try to hide it.
While Harry, who has just seen him, picks up all his handicrafts and belongings at lightning speed, Sirius focuses on Remus, his hand outstretched in his direction.
“ Since we won’t see each other until after the holidays, Merry Christmas, Professor. ” A handshake as simple, polite and respectful as that, is also a dangerous game. Dangerous for all the emotions that for no reason shake the Remus system.
" Merry Christmas, Sirius. “ It’s not fair that saying his name is so addictive.
On his way to his godfather, Harry gets tangled up explaining something to Draco about what looks like a little doll that he lends to the blonde. Taking advantage of this moment, Sirius falls on Remus' desk.
“ Any special plans for these dates, Professor? ”
“ Nothing special, really. “ To his surprise, anyone would say that Sirius expected a different answer. “ Just me, my books and a hot blanket. ”
" No family dinner? “ That’s a sensitive issue, but since Sirius doesn’t know, Remus pretends it didn’t hurt as much as it did. If Sirius realizes his deception, he prefers not to comment.
" We’ll see. “ Before he can ask anything else, Remus decides to be the one with the questions. " You? “ And since the conversation is about Harry, Sirius has no problem talking about it.
" Honestly, I haven’t celebrated Christmas properly for years, even if James – " His gaze seems to be lost for a few seconds, but at least he finds his way back quickly. " It’s his first Christmas without him. " He corrects himself quickly. " It’s going to be perfect. " Lowering his voice so that no one else can hear and leaning over the teacher to make sure, he adds: " I don’t know how, but I’ve got each and every one of the best gifts that child deserves. " And his pride and satisfaction spreads in Remus. “ I've managed to get a vacation, so it will be time for us to spend together. After all, " Sirius looks at Harry now. " We only have each other. "
Harry returns to Sirius before Remus can say anything more, which he is grateful for not knowing what his answer would have been.
† † †
When the fireworks light up the sky of his house, interrupting his interesting reading, Remus realizes that the year has just ended and hasn’t even noticed.
He knows he won’t be able to concentrate with this scandal, so he puts the book aside and comes out of his chair with severe pain in his cervical and lower back – he really needs to learn to take a good posture when he starts reading, he starts to be an age whose body doesn’t accept this kind of effort.
He stands up, stretches his joints and looks out the window to see the sky. As beautiful as the explosions of colours (which they are), Remus doesn’t think it compensates for the amount of noise and frightened animals that must be crying from the fuss.
“ I hope you have the decency to stop sooner this year. ” He begs uselessly because, let’s face it, people don’t have as much consideration and empathy to do it.
As he told Sirius, his Christmas vacation has been more of rest than celebrating some kind of holiday. Some would label it lonely and sad, but Remus is so used to it and doesn’t know how to spend it in any other way that he even prefers it over the offers he has received over the years from friends or relationships that didn’t last that long. While people feast on giant feasts and smash paper wrappers eager to know what’s inside, Remus is happy to eat the same as always and treat himself to a few whims. This year has not been less, the main difference being that the whim has been more expensive and offers (all rejected) from friends and colleagues have been several.
Another fundamental difference is that a man is occupying his mind.
Remus knows, okay? He has been listening to the same voice for many years and living with himself, he knows how to recognize each pattern. And one of them is that when he meets a person and then that person is gone and thinks of them, all the red flags go up.
Because over time, Remus has become accustomed to the long, dark mane full of brightness and quick, sarcastic comments that match his same energy, as well as being greeted every morning and fired every afternoon by groups of children who adore him. Now, in silence, all he can do is remember and yearn.
“ I wonder what your holidays have been like. ” The question escapes him alone, and he’s so engrossed in it that he doesn’t even realize it.
Seeing that the noise of colours gradually ceases, Remus returns to his armchair with a new cup of hot tea in one hand. By sitting ergonomically, he takes advantage of and grabs his mobile, knowing that a wave of messages (most of them out of commitment and being polite) is waiting for him to be answered.
The first ones to open and respond with a coldness that only messages can transmit even with loving emojis next to them, are those of friends who haven’t seen for months and those who are only for education. Then, with more enthusiasm and perhaps an extra message or two, they are those of her friends, including Marlene and Dorcas. Last one to answer? The hardest.
Sirius Black:
I know I promised you I’d only use your number for important things.
But if you think about it very carefully, this is important.
happy new year Remus
i hope this year will be good to you and that you will continue to be as good a teacher (both for Harry and the other children) as you have been so far, you deserve it
also, thank you so much for putting up with me and being patient, I know it's a lot of work, so I appreciate it <3
And because so much positivity and appreciation makes him uncomfortable (especially coming from someone as attractive as Sirius), Remus responds:
Happy New Year to you too.
what is all this?
Are you drunk? lol
And he regrets it right away.
Sirius Black:
Unfortunately, not yet xd
Let me get a couple of drinks and that’s something else lmaoo
Remus hates himself for not knowing what to answer, so he just sends a stupid sticker. Sirius reads it, sends one back, and that’s the conversation.
A short conversation, stupid and unnecessary, but one that somehow makes Remus smile more than buying that book he wanted so much for Christmas.
† † †
To the list of Remus' defects, we can add paranoid along with natural and insecure, because, since the return to school, neither Harry’s tangled hair nor Sirius' perfect hair has made an appearance in his class. And that would be good, (well, not good, but the world doesn’t end either) if it weren’t for the fact that after much meditation and bravery, Remus sent a message asking Sirius about Harry’s absence and the message didn’t even reach him.
That was Wednesday. It’s Friday.
" Remus, I’m sure what happened is that the kid got sick with the cold and the flu surge this time of year and he’s taking care of him so intensely that he hasn’t even noticed that his cell phone is off. So please calm down. “ In her break, while the children are on the playground, Marlene tries to keep his collage (friend) from biting his fingernails so intensely, afraid that he will run out of fingers.
“ I’m calm. “ That's a lie. “ I know there's a reasonable explanation for this. ” Another lie. “cIt’s not the first time a child has been missing so long. I shouldn’t be so scared. ”
And that would be the reality if it was any other kid in his class, but it’s Harry. Harry, who a strange, crazy-eyed woman wants to take away for a reason he doesn’t know.
What if she found them? What if she took Harry and that’s why Sirius isn’t answering his texts? God, what if they had an accident? What if they’re dead?
“ Enough. “ By grabbing him by the hands before his fingernails cause more damage, Marlene stops the aggressive train of negative thoughts that runs through his head. “ I can see the smoke of bad vibrations coming out of your nose and ears. So before you suffer a collision, stop. “ He wants to tell her that it’s not as easy as that (if it was, it would have stopped long ago), but he doesn't want to sound unpleasant. “ My goodness, Remus, can you tell me what’s going on? ”
“ Nothing. “ Marlene doesn’t buy what he sells, and he passes it on to her by squeezing her hands harder. ”
“ Remus, I know that you and Sirius have become close. ” With eyes full of alarm, Remus looks at Marlene. “ Please, I’m not blind, I see you talking every time he comes and all you do is talk about him, but that’s not the point. The point is, I know that you’re close to him, or well, that you know him better than anyone else, and I understand that’s why you’re more concerned than you are with the other kids, but do you really need to go through this level of burden and worry? "
As if running away from this interrogation, Remus escapes from her grip and puts his hands to his head, uncombed each of the strands attached to his head, sniffing in frustration.
" Well- " So he tries to tell her the situation, but without going into details, making an effort to find the words. Marlene’s listening. “ They have this situation, okay? I don’t know the details myself but- but I know she’s not good, you know? And I’m afraid that a bad situation has occurred during this holiday, and that’s why he won’t answer me. "
After letting him vent, Marlene does the best thing she can do: comfort people. Leaning a comforting hand on his back, she tries to give him a reassuring smile.
“ You’ll see that’s not the case, Rem. ” She says so calmly that she almost deceives Remus. “ I’m sure it’s just a misunderstanding and the reason is so absurd that when you hear it, you’ll burst into laughter, okay? You always say how messed up he is, he probably won’t answer because something happened with his phone. "
But when Friday ends and Remus leaves the building in a hurry (more than he’d like to admit) because someone has texted him, Remus knows that Harry’s absence isn’t for some fun cause that will make him cry out laughing, or because Sirius is a mess and his phone is broken.
Because when he sees Sirius leaning against a traffic sign with a cigarette on his lips, tangled hair and several pounds less than he had last time, Remus knows that his concerns about the woman were true.
Sirius Black:
I’m in the school parking lot.
Sorry I didn’t answer earlier, I didn’t do it on purpose
You see, Harry didn’t come because-
Shit
I can’t tell you by text
I’m sorry if this is indecent but
Can we go get some coffee?
I really need to talk to someone.