Between coffees and conversations
Somehow, sitting across Sirius in a coffee shop feels more inappropriate than sleeping on his sofa (even if they have known each other for a while now).
He doesn't even dare to talk and ask. From the way Sirius looks, if he does, he risks cutting a random wire to the bomb about to go off.
" I suppose you have questions. . . " Embracing the cup of tea that must be cold already in his hands, Sirius lengthens his words with tiredness and sadness, his gaze lost and evasive.
" I only have one. " That catches Sirius' attention. " Is Harry safe? " He has many more; so many that he's afraid to drown in words, but he knows he has no right to ask them. So he sticks to the one that worries him the most (and after seeing Sirius' deplorable state, his fear has grown immeasurably).
And it doesn't come down when Sirius doesn't respond immediately.
" He's at home, Alma's taking care of him. "
" You haven't answered my question. " As if it were the only way not to break into tears, Sirius laughs. But it's not the smile that creates tiny dimples on the sides of his mouth, or the one that's so outrageous that you can't help but recreate it. It's a laugh full of anguish, anger toward himself, and exhaustion.
" That's because I don't know. " And if that scares Remus, he doesn't even want to think about what Sirius must be feeling. " Everything was fine and then-then it stopped. " Frustrated, he lets go of the cup to stir his hair and face. " It was my fault. I was drunk and I let- I opened the door like an asshole. If it wasn't for Alma- "
" Sirius. " Holding him back before the thing escalates into a full-blown panic attack, Remus stops him with a strong, hard voice, long enough to get him stuck in Sirius. " What happened? " Sirius rubs his eyes as if something had slipped into them, but Remus knows for a fact that it's to hide his tears.
" It was the end of the year. We were at home, alone, with Alma and some of her friends with younger siblings or kids and-and I relaxed, you know? She didn't come till then, so that means she won't do it anymore, right? But I was wrong. She came home as if she was welcomed there, and I was too far gone to know what was going on and get Harry back and- " And it seems like wanting to hide the tears doesn't concern him anymore, since he breaks like an old toy. Remus doesn't know what to say or do (he's never known how to deal with a crying person, because whenever he does, he's alone). " Alma managed to get him back, but she already knows where we live. Now it's the gum on the sole of my shoe that follows me everywhere. And I don't care, okay? I'm used to living in fear, but Harry isn't. Harry's just a kid, and that vulture is taking that away from him. Like James and Lily dying wasn't enough trauma for the creature. Jesus. "
It's a lot of information at once, and, at the same time, nothing at all.
It's clear that that woman is a danger, but why? Who's her? And why doesn't Sirius call the police?
" Sirius, who the hell is this woman? And why does she want Harry so desperately? "
Sirius bites the inside of his cheek, trying to recover somehow. At the same time, he sticks his fingernails into the dead skin of his fingers, making them bleed.
Remus watches everything but decides not to stop it. If he does, he risks creating a distraction that will help Sirius avoid this.
" She's. . . she's- " Still frantic, he puts his finger in his mouth to do more damage to it. " I told you I'd tell you. " He tells after bleeding from his finger and hiding the wound under his calf. " So I'll tell you. I need- you need to know what- who it is. "
But Sirius does not do it immediately, as if he were unable to find the words or the will to do so. And Remus is patient, all patient he's capable of being.
And for a second, Remus accepts that he's not going to talk. So he returns to his place looking for another way to deal with the issue until Sirius opens his mouth.
" I don't even know where to begin. " That confession baffles Remus for a few moments, but he hurries to recollect himself.
" Start where you feel comfortable. " He tells him to say something and calm him down. " I'm not in a hurry, take the time you need. "
And Sirius wants to believe him. He really does.
But Sirius grew up in an abusive home, where showing weakness was punished. They weren't cuts, but that didn't stop them from leaving scars. And even though he spent so much of his life with someone as understanding, patient, and loving as James Potter and his family were, some things mark your soul so much that it's hard to clean it out. And admitting this, telling Remus “Hey, I’m a fucking mess. And since I have no idea how to manage my life like someone my age should, this is happening to me. ”, it’s hard. It's hard because he never did something like this. Hell, even when James was alive he never got to tell him everything he lived in the hell that was his home.
He's never asked for help, he's never explained all the bad stuff he was carrying, just little details to make people think he was doing it, but never the whole picture. Not even when James forced him to see a psychiatrist. Never.
But it's been so long since he's kept so much inside that he doesn't have room to do it anymore. If he keeps anything else, he's going to blow up.
And what terrifies him the most is what or who he takes down from doing so. Especially when Harry's so close to him.
So he does, he tells him. Because Remus is expendable, he does not need it in his life in case of sharing too much, if he leaves (after hearing everything he has to say, Sirius does not doubt that he will leave and avoid having anything to do with him) everything will be fine. It will hurt (it will fucking hurt), but he will get out of it. In a way.
" Do you remember Lily? " So he starts with the basics, lying to himself, saying that if Remus leaves, he will be okay.
" Harry's mother, right? " He doesn't have the strength to answer with his voice, so he just nods.
" He has a sister, Petunia. " He becomes more distant with every word. " She's married to a man and they had a son older than Harry. I don't know her very well, since she didn't even show up for Lily and James' wedding or Harry's birth, so you can understand that they weren't very close, despite all Lily's efforts to change that. Lily never said it, but by only meeting her twice I understood what the problem was: Petunia always felt inferior to Lily, always wanted to be her, to be better. And with the birth of her son, well, let's just say in her head she was. "
Seeing that Sirius does not continue, Remus pushes him a little.
" What happened? "
" Her son got sick, and Harry didn't. " Remus's throat closes. " And when the boy didn't turn seven and Harry turned six, she lost her mind. "
" And I guess when Lily- "
" Yes, when Lily had the accident and Harry was the only one to survive, it was the last straw. Somehow, his head concluded that if Harry was alive and his son wasn't, it wasn't fair. And the only way it was, was for Harry to be miserable every minute of the rest of his life. "
" In her head, that's the only way. " Again, Sirius nods.
" I didn't know all this, so when it was decided at James and Lily's funeral that Harry should go with her, I allowed it. I thought maybe I was wrong, and that Petunia was going to be a good mother figure for him. Now I realize I was only telling myself that because I didn't have the strength or the desire to deal with a child. "
" Don't say that, you didn't know. "
" Yes, I did. " He replies sharply. " Subconsciously, I knew. Why else did I go to her house three weeks later? "
" Because you wanted to see Harry. "
" No, I wanted to see James. " The guilt and hatred in his voice resonate with Remus, grabbing his breath away. " And when I got there, she wanted to throw me out, but I wouldn't let her and I went in. " For the first time, Sirius looks at him, and Remus knows what he's about to say is serious. " Do you know where she kept him? " He doesn't want to answer, and at the same time, he's afraid of it. " Under the stairs. Locked in the fucking cupboard. " The same rage that slips from Sirius’ lips, spreads to Remus’ astonishment. " He was crying for so long that his voice was raspy, and yet she wouldn't let him out. I had to break down the fucking door and, you know what? The boy was in a puddle of his own urine because that psycho wouldn't even let him go to the bathroom. "
" Oh, my God. "
" So I didn't hesitate when I took him in my arms, shouted his truths at that monster and took him away from there. At that very moment, I decided that Harry was going to stay with me. That no matter how messed up I was, he'd be a thousand times happier with me than he was with her. "
" Did you call the police? "
" No. From my experience, I know that the police are quite useless in these cases. If there are no obvious marks on the child, it's not abuse. " And even then. - Remus thinks, remembering his childhood, his fingers landing unconsciously on the first scar he finds. " Besides, Harry got better when he got out of there, and I refused to put him through that again. For some reason I don't complain about it, she didn't either. I guess she was afraid I'd accuse her of minor abuse if she did, 'cause seeing how she's behaving even after so much, she's not interested in raising Harry. "
It's a delicate situation, Remus knows that as well as he understands where Sirius falls in all that. And, frankly, he doesn't envy him at all.
" Who did Lily leave the custody of Harry? " Answering seems to be a difficult task for Sirius.
" To her. " Things are getting tough.
" Fuck. . . "
" I know. "
" What are you going to do? "
" What do you mean? Run until she's tired, obviously. "
"If she's as dangerous as you say, and now she knows his school and where you live, don't you think it's better to take her to court? "
" Are you insane? She's got custody, she's got more points than I do. If I dare to do that, I have everything to lose. " Sirius seems too attached to that decision to try to change it.
" Still. . . "
" No. I'm not going to put Harry through all that for nothing. " Remus knows he doesn't have room to insist so much, but he doesn't think it's fair (for any of them) for things to stay that way. " I can't even afford a lawyer, it would be suicide. "
Lawyer, that's it.
" What if I told you that I know someone who specializes in cases like yours who I might ask for a favour? " Remus is risking a lot by putting that offer on the table, first because he has no idea if Dorcas would take it or if she would offer her pro-bono services to someone completely unknown to her, but at least he doesn’t feel so useless sitting there offering him a way out.
" Don't bother. " But even so, Sirius does not seem at all positive about it. " Unless they're the best in the field, I wouldn't even ask. "
" A meeting. " He interrupts too involved. " All I ask is a meeting with her, to study your case, to draw her conclusions and how she thinks she can handle it more correctly, and from there you will make the decision. No commitments of any kind. Just-just listen to what she has to say, please. I don't feel at ease knowing that the situation is of this magnitude and that you're not going to do anything about it, even if I understand your position perfectly. “ Yet, Sirius doesn’t seem very convinced. " If what she says doesn't convince you or you still doubt, I won't bring it up again and I'll let you handle it, but at least try. For Harry, for living in peace. Why else would you have told me everything if not to find a solution? "
He knows it's not fair, that his choice of words pushes Sirius very much into a very emotionally involved decision, but he also knows that if he doesn't, there's no way he can get him to do anything. It's an aggressive push, a bit manipulative and against his wishes, but Remus consoles himself thinking that the end of this is a better one for all.
Sirius thinks about it for quite some time, leaving Remus convinced that there is no way he will accept his proposal.
But then he opens his mouth:
" All right, I will do a meeting. "
† † †
Now that he's home alone, with his cell phone on the table and nothing else to distract him, Remus fears he's committed Sirius to something so serious without first making sure the other party (Dorcas) even agreed – or even knew about it.
And now he has to see how it goes.
By the time he arrived, he was still overflowing with security, so he didn't hesitate to dial Dorcas' number, tell her about the situation and ask for help. After listening to him carefully without even interrupting for a good hour, Dorcas told him that she had to look at some things and talk to Sirius before answering his question, so with his permission, he gave her his number.
Now he's waiting for the buzz of his phone like a fucking teenager, eager to see the name Sirius Black shining on his screen to give him the newsletter once and for all.
Perhaps getting so involved in such a foreign affair is as good an idea as the time he dyed his hair scarlet, but Remus hides behind the excuse that it's too late to regret anything anyway.
He's almost ashamed of himself when he rushes onto his phone like a predator on the first note of his ringtone. He doesn't even stop to read who it is before answering.
" Well? "
It may have been his body's impact on the mattress (which he shouldn't do at his age and which has caused him embarrassing pain) but he feels his heart down his throat. And it doesn't come down when he hears a tired laugh from the other side.
" Good morning, Professor. " Sirius’ tone sounds harsh and somewhat distant, so Remus fears the worst. " Have you had dinner yet? " The little conversation Sirius wants to have before letting go of the situation makes Remus want to tear out his fingernails with his teeth.
" Yes, some toast with avocado. " But despite that, he decides to empathize with him and soften the blow, because Sirius doesn't seem to want to talk much. " You? "
" Baking pizza. " Arming himself with patience, Remus gets out of bed and starts walking around in hysteria. " Harry needs. . . he needs. . . "
And he stands still when he hears the trembling of the other voice as if someone had just thrown a bucket of cold water at his head to cut his breath and force him to bend down on his knees because that's how he feels when he hears the first sob. Trying for it to not affect him, Remus sits down again.
" Fuck, I don't know what he needs. " As quiet as a dead man, Remus hears every word and every sigh that escapes the other side of the line, holding it all in his consciousness and not daring to interrupt. " I never know, is that the issue? Definitely. I'm shit as a guardian, for sure James- "
Before he falls into that spiral that Remus doesn't know if he will be able to recover from, he pulls him out at once: " Sirius, what did Dorcas tell you? "
In the line, there's a sepulchral silence, as tense as the strings of a guitar. Remus assumes it's Sirius recovering a bit, to be clear.
" What I already knew. " He whispers at the end. " That it doesn't look good for me. "
It's not that Remus expected Dorcas to be a wish fairy who would suddenly get everything right and work miracles, but at least he expected some good news. Instead, all he feels is a giant punch of disappointment, one that manages to knock him down on his bed. Because if that news has shattered him, he can't even imagine how Sirius must have felt.
" Then. . . " He manages to whisper, unable to say anything useful.
" Then she told me that if I was going to try, she would be my lawyer. "
" What? "
It's as if, during a storm, Remus had found shelter. A warm, dry one that would take the cold out of his bones.
" She's waiting for my call. " He explains not entirely convinced. " She has promised to go with all she's got, even if our chances are so low, but only if I am willing to risk. "
It seems to be years before Remus speaks again.
" And. . . are you? "
There's so much silence on the other side of the line that for a moment, it looks like the call's been cut off.
Sirius hesitates before he can answer.
" I don't know. "
And Remus can't blame him for that.