hate myself
5th May 1977
There was nothing Regulus wanted more than to join Sirius at the Potter’s. He knew they would happily accept him, just as they had accepted Sirius.
“I can’t Sirius,” Regulus stressed, hoping Sirius would see that he had a reason to stay; a reason that would benefit everyone.
Sirius huffed, rolling his eyes. “That’s not a reason, Regulus,” he spat. “Why do you have to stay?”
‘To find His Horcruxes,’ Regulus screamed in his mind, but he couldn’t tell Sirius that. “Because I can’t just leave, not like you did,” he replied, instantly regretting his word choice as Sirius’ inhaled sharply.
“Not like I did?” Sirius repeated. “Not like I did?” he hissed, tapping his foot. The noise echoed around the empty classroom.
Regulus shook his head, trying to calm his rising anxiety. “I didn’t mean it like that,” he sighed, rubbing his temples as his face contorted.
It appeared that every conversation Regulus had with Sirius was doomed to an argument. It was not only unhelpful, but it told Regulus everything he needed to know.
In his brother’s eyes, there was something wrong with Regulus, because he chose to stay with their parents, despite knowing all their darkest secrets – a part of him agreed with Sirius.
Sirius shook his head. “I can’t read your mind, Reggie,” he said, taking a deep breath as he ran his fingers through his hair.
“Why do you only hear what you want to?” Regulus retorted, glaring at Sirius, who rolled his eyes, pressing his lips into a taut line.
Turning his head, Sirius looked into the classroom, as if he had a lot to say, but was too stubborn to say it. Guilt pooled in Regulus’ stomach. He wished he learnt how not to provoke Sirius. He didn’t mean to; he supposed it was an unwanted product of their conversations.
He hated when Sirius went quiet.
Before Sirius had joined Gryffindor, he would only go quiet when he disagreed with what their parents were saying. After he joined, Sirius only went quiet when his parents glared at him, knowing it was better than provoking them. Whenever Regulus got the silent treatment from Sirius, he felt as if Sirius was linking him to their parents.
And he hated it.
Sirius kept glancing back at Regulus, as if trying to figure out where Regulus stood on it all. “So, you don’t want to join – Him?” he asked, raising an eyebrow.
Regulus hated that there was any doubt on the matter. “Ofcourse not,” he assured.
“Then leave,” Sirius challenged.
Regulus shook his head. “I can’t.”
“You can’t seem to do anything, can you Reggie?” Sirius glared; his eyes filled with a fiery disdain that made Regulus’ spine straighten.
Regulus folded his arms across his chest, curling in on himself as he closed his eyes. “That’s – that’s unfair,” he murmured, a prickly feeling pressing at the backs of his eyes.
He didn’t want to cry.
He heard Sirius sigh, and felt arms wrap around him. “I’m sorry,” Sirius sighed, and Regulus rested his head on Sirius’ shoulder. “I just don’t get it.”
Regulus let out a nervous chuckle. “Neither to do,” he said. ‘And I’ll probably hate myself for it.’
“Stay safe,” Sirius said, holding on tight to Regulus. “Okay?”
Regulus nodded. “I’ll try.”
Sirius sighed. “I guess that’s the best I’ll get, huh?” he said, offering Regulus a tired smile.
“I’m afraid so,” Regulus said, smiling meekly as he watched Sirius leave the classroom.
If Regulus could leave, he would – but no one else knew.
He didn’t mean to figure it out.
In fact, he had only been trying to find his way out – since his parents had arranged for him to take the Dark Mark.
With so many members of his family being part of the Dark Lords little club, twelve Grimmauld Place was a hub of activity for Voldemort. Therefore, in hindsight, it was only a matter of time before Regulus accidentally overheard something.
Something a selfish part of him wishes he hadn’t.
Horcruxes.
That was the only word he had heard, but it was enough to start a tiny spark of curiosity within him. Regulus had always loved puzzles, and he certainly felt that trying to figure out what a horcrux is, was a puzzle. He thought this might be his way out; a way to join Sirius.
He scowered the Black Library bookshelves for hours, unsurprised when there was not even the slightest mention of horcruxes in what he read.
However, as soon as he read ‘A History of Dark Magic: the names of what’s forbidden’, a pit of dread dropped into his stomach.
This was far worse than he had been expecting.
The Dark Lord was splitting his fucking soul.
And he planned on being immortal.
This was bad.
This was very, very bad.
Regulus had no one to trust other than his brother, but he refused to burden Sirius with this knowledge.
He knew what he had to do, and how to do it.
He had to stay and pretend to be the perfect, quiet soldier for his parents. Then he would learn more about His plans, and he would discover where Voldemort had hidden his horcrux.
Afterall, no one expected the quiet, obedient one, to be a threat.