i kissed someone (it wasn't you)
21st July 1983
Lights.
Bright red, pink, blue, and green lights.
They were so bright, that Remus almost considered walking out – he didn’t.
It wasn’t that Remus wanted to be here, but more that he didn’t want to be anywhere, so why not be in a gay bar.
He was twenty-three, old enough to look after himself.
Perhaps he would regret it later, but a part of him wanted to see what would happen, whether it all really had been the longest nightmare.
Just as the light of life breathes through death, Remus was a part of the living dead without his light, without Sirius, but their love was not meant to be. Whose love was meant to be?
The thump of the music through his bones, and the twisted feeling in his lungs, seemed to become friends as Remus worked his way to the bar, asking for a drink. There was a warmth to being in a crowd that Remus was no longer accustomed to, and a near deafening noise that Remus hadn’t missed.
He should have just stayed at home.
Remus shook his head, telling himself that home was more depressing.
He knocked back his drink, asking for another as soon as his glass hit the counter.
Swirling it in his glass, he sighed, wanting nothing more than to smash the glass into his head. Maybe that would help with the numb feeling, growing in the back of his mind.
Looking across the bar, Remus felt his heart stop.
Sirius.
No...
There stood a man, with an uncanny resemblance to Sirius. His hair was the right length, if a few shades lighter, and his jaw was sharp, but his nose was not quite the same. The man also seemed to be taller than Sirius.
Remus’ heart began again when his mind accepted it wasn’t really him.
But Merlin, he looked as if he could be.
The man turned his head, noticing that Remus was staring, and smirked.
The smirk was not as mischievous as Sirius’ was.
The man sat next to Remus, complimenting his eyes and asking what brought him to the bar. Remus smiled and answered with fake laughs and short phrases.
It was wrong, he knew that.
He wanted this man to be Sirius.
He thought he could pretend this man was Sirius.
So, when the man leaned in close, brushing a strand of stray hair away from his eyes, Remus did what he thought he was supposed to; what he thought he wanted to – he leaned in.
The kiss was sloppy, and warm, but Remus closed his eyes and tried to imagine Sirius. He thought of the way Sirius would crinkle his eyes when he laughed, how he would never clean the teapot, how Sirius was the only person Remus would open up to.
Yet, he didn’t feel a single thing.
No spark, no flutter in his stomach, there was nothing; when he pulled away, he sighed, wanting Sirius to be at home, but he knew he wouldn’t be.
The man furrowed his eyebrows at the sigh, but before he could get an answer, Remus left.
He just wanted to go home, but his home didn’t exist anymore.
Remus’ home was Sirius; it was James, Lily, and Harry; it was Peter.
Now he was alone, truly alone.
As soon as the cold air hit him, his eyes began to prickle, as if being stabbed with sewing needles. He stumbled into the alley, and risked apparating to his apartment – he knew it was dangerous, but he just wanted to forget about the world.
Almost knocking over a vase, Remus gripped at the chest of draws in the corridor. The apartment had never been very big, it was mostly open plan with an ensuite bedroom, but Remus and Sirius had never felt the need for anything more, especially with the war. Remus wandered into the bedroom.
This wasn’t him, and the person he kissed was not Sirius.
Why did he feel like he was cheating? Sirius wouldn’t care, and even if he did, Remus refused to care for the feelings of a man who would kill his own brother.
Gripping his head, he leaned against the door to the bathroom, refusing to cry for someone who had been lying to them all for years. He thought it might be best if he just went to bed.
Remus clenched his fists, taking a deep breath. Sirius had been the worst thing that had ever happened to him.
He kissed someone that wasn’t Sirius, because he was allowed to move on with his life, he was allowed to kiss other people.
But apparently, it just made Remus miss him more.