all these people think love's for show (but i would die for you in secret)

It wasn't a secret that James Potter was in love with Lily Evans. Like, completely, hopelessly, head-over-heels in love with her. Since the day they met on the train in their first year, he had fallen, and nothing yet had changed that.

"Oi, Prongs! Stop staring at Evans," Sirius said, hitting the back of his head. James had been staring at the girl from down the table at breakfast.

"Sorry. She's just too pretty," James replied, breaking his gaze from Lily to look at his friend from across the table.

"You need to find someone else. She's just not interested in you,” Sirius said, glancing between the redhead and his friend. “Which might partially have to do with the fact that you can’t get within eyesight of her without embarrassing yourself.”

"Fine. How about I go for Andromeda then?" James replied, a smirk on his face, turning his full attention to Sirius. Though he was joking, he knew it would get under his friend’s skin. "I could use an older woman in my life."

"Leave Andromeda out of this! She deserves better than you," Sirius immediately replied, defensively.

"What does Ted Tonks have that I don't?!" James exclaimed.

"Literally everything," Remus butted in, only to receive a kick under the table from James.

"So no Andromeda, fine. Maybe Narcissa will be willing..." James trailed off, enjoying the fun of messing with his best friend.

"Leave Narcissa out of this! You deserve better than her,” Sirius said, taking on more of a joking tone now.

"Then who is supposed to love me?!" James dramatically said, then glanced around the Great Hall. His eyes found the Slytherin table, and his lips turned into a smirk. Turning back to his friends, James spoke. “Regulus might be a contender."

"I swear, Prongs, my family members are not up for grabs here!" Sirius snapped. "Especially him. I'll kill you."

Peter rolled his eyes from across the table, taking a sip of his juice before replying. “Like you even have to worry about Prongs looking at someone who isn’t Lily Evans,” he said.

“Come on, mate, I’m not that far gone for her,” James whined.

“Prongs has a point, I saw him actually have a real conversation with her just last week instead of turning into a blubbering mess,” Remus pointed out. “Even Lily was impressed, I think,” he added, a grin on his face.

“Evans is just another girl,” James agreed, but he had a mischievous grin on his face. “I’m perfectly competent in talking to beautiful girls.”

“Prongs, mate, just two weeks before your three minute conversation with Evans you tried to smile at her with a mouth full of juice,” Sirius chimed in, a barking laugh accompanying his words.

“It was a sight to see,” Peter agreed, a grin on his face. “And after it was all said and done, your main takeaway was that she smiled at you.”

“I pity the fool who ends up with James Fleamont Potter,” Remus said, putting on a strong posh accent.

“I think we all do, Moony, my friend,” Peter said, a grin on his face.

“And to think you were all my best mates!” James said, a faux pout on his face. “I deserve better than you lot.”

“Too bad no one else would give you the time of day,” Sirius replied, a smirk on his face.

“I’m sure Regulus would,” Peter piped in, sending Sirius a grin.

Sirius’ reaction was to pull out his wand and send a tickling jinx Peter’s way. “Laugh at that, Wormy,” he said, lightheartedly.

James quickly took the jinx off Peter, barely able to speak the countercurse through his laughter.

The four boys were still caught in a fit of laughter when the head of Gryffindor house walked up to them, stopping directly behind Sirius.

“Mr. Black, I assure you, I do not want to know what the four of you are up to,” she said. “Professor Slughorn asked that I tell you he needs to see you before your Potions lesson this morning, I suggest you make your way to the dungeons.”

“Pads, do you think he found—“ Peter began, promptly closing his mouth when James kicked him under the table.

“Pete was just saying do you think he found out about Sirius’ advanced potion skills, professor. My dad was teaching us over break,” James spoke up quickly.

McGonagall, an exasperated look on her face, didn’t question the group any further. “Come along, Mr. Black,” she spoke with a sigh, leading Sirius away from the Gryffindor table.

“Wormtail, why is it that every time we get away with a prank, you almost blow our cover?” James asked, no real bite to his words. “Really, Wormy, how would the old git know? We replaced all of the ingredients we borrowed as soon as we got a Hogsmeade weekend.”

“Why else would he want to talk to Pads?” Peter defended.

James and Remus glanced at each other, shrugging in response. “Maybe it really was about the quiz from today. I didn’t lie to Minnie, dad really did help us over break,” James replied. “Anyways, any ideas lads?” he asked, changing the subject.

Between James’ busy quidditch schedule, Remus’ prefect duties, and Peter’s astronomy club meetings, Sirius had been left with too much time on his hands. The latter had pulled a prank on the three, and they were keen to enact their revenge.

“I don’t know, Prongs,” Remus said, taking a sip of his juice. “You know just as well as anyone, Sirius isn’t the easiest person to prank.”

“He seemed pretty mad at the idea of you and Regulus, though,” Peter said slowly. “What if you two pretended to date? That would really get on Padfoot’s nerves.”

“How would we get Regulus to agree to that, Wormy?” James asked, with a raised eyebrow.

“Moony, you’ve been getting close to Regulus, haven’t you? I’ve seen you two on the map together loads of times!” Peter exclaimed.

“We do our prefect rounds together, Wormtail, that’s all,” Remus replied, slowly. “Which is why I always make sure you have the map instead of Sirius. You know how he is when it comes to Regulus…”

“Which is why it’s such a brilliant idea! Moony, do you think you can get Regulus on board?” James asked. “Sirius would go right mental! Wormy, you’re a genius, really!”

Remus glanced between his two friends, both looking at him hopefully. “I can’t make you any promises, but I can try,” he said, shaking his head.

It was later that night when the Marauders put their plan into action.

“So, I was thinking…” Remus said, walking up behind Regulus and falling into step with him. Regulus and Remus were making their final rounds around the castle for the night. “James, Peter, and I have a plan. We think you could help,” he said, offhandedly.

Regulus raised an eyebrow, turning his head towards Remus. “Why would I want to get into whatever it is you four are planning? It never ends well,” he said. Regulus and Remus had been getting closer ever since being paired together for prefect responsibilities, but that didn’t distract from the tension still between Regulus and his brother.

“Three of us, actually,” Remus corrected. “Sirius pulled a dumb prank the other day— we just wanted to get him back,” he explained. “And thought that you might want to help.”

“Not interested,” Regulus replied, rolling his eyes.

“You’re telling me you aren’t the least bit interested in messing with Sirius?” Remus pushed.

Regulus stayed silent for a moment, contemplating the proposal. “What do you have in mind, Lupin?” Regulus asked, slowing his walk to a halt and leaning against the wall.

“I was thinking —and don’t say no immediately, Reg— what if you pretend to date James?” Remus suggested.

“James Potter? No,” Regulus replied.

“Oh come on! Can you think of anything that would get under Sirius’ skin more than that?” Remus pointed out. “It would drive him mad.”

Regulus sighed. “Fine.”

“You’ll do it?” Remus asked. Regulus could hear the attempt to hide the surprise in Remus’ voice.

“I’ll do it, but this better not last too long. I’m not willing to give up months of my life just to watch my brother squirm.”

“It’ll be over before you know it,” Remus promised. “Wanna walk by the kitchens one more time and call it good for the night?” he asked, casually changing the topic of conversation.

Regulus, falling easily back into step, agreed. “Yeah, sounds good.”

A few days passed, and the boys decided that it was time to put their prank plans into full effect. With Regulus agreeing to pretend-date James, everything was going smoothly as of now. They just had to, somehow, lead Sirius to believe that the two were a real couple.

They decided that James wouldn't go to dinner in the Great Hall that night. Instead, he’d be spending time in the Gryffindor common room with Regulus. While everyone else was at dinner, it was just the two of them. Alone. Realistically, the situation was awkward, but it was all worth it for the prank.

At this point, they just needed Sirius to see his brother and his best friend together. This led the boys to enlist the help of one Marlene McKinnon. She was close enough with them that she’d be more than willing to mess with Sirius for fun, all while making it less suspicious. If other people were involved, maybe Sirius wouldn’t catch on to the fact that it was one big joke. Besides, it wasn’t difficult to get Marlene to agree to the plan.

She trailed into the Great Hall a few minutes after dinner had started and put on her best acting skills. When she made it to the Gryffindor table, she squeezed herself between her girlfriend, Dorcas, and Mary Macdonald.

“Well excuse you, I guess,” Mary muttered, scooting down a bit to make more space for the girl.

“Shut it,” Marlene said, glancing around at the group. It wasn't easy hiding the smirk on her face when she made eye contact with Remus or Peter. “Would anyone like to tell me why I just saw Potter snogging Sirius’ brother in the common room?”

Sirius, who had been taking a sip of his drink, almost spit it out, his eyes wide. “Don’t fuck with me, McKinnon.”

“Would I ever?” she asked, a laugh leaving her lips before she noticed the glare Sirius was sending her way. “Okay, maybe I would. But I’m not this time! Did it ever occur to you that James is currently nowhere to be found, Black? Though it’s much quieter than usual, so I don’t know how anyone could've missed that. Anyway, it doesn't take a genius to see that your brother isn't at his table either.”

Sirius looked around for a moment, as if he were double checking her observations, before his face paled, and it wasn't long before he was starting to stand up from his seat at the table. “I swear–”

“Sirius, just calm down for a second,” Lily butted in and tugged on the sleeve of his robes gently. “I’m sure there's a very good, logical explanation for this.”

“What do you mean by logical explanation?” Marlene asked, egging on the drama. “I saw James and Regulus kissing. It might've been even a little more than kissing.”

Sirius shrieked. “Enough! I don't need to hear the details. I’m gonna kill him.”

“Which one?” Dorcas asked and bit back a laugh.

“I haven't decided yet. But I will when I get there. Possibly both at this point,” he said before turning to leave the Great Hall.

“I guess I’ll go babysit and make sure nobody actually dies. I wouldn't put it past him,” Remus sighed dramatically and stood up as well.

“It’s not our fault you decided to date the man. You might be the insane one, Remus Lupin,” Marlene said and laughed before she started to eat her dinner. “All I can say is good fucking luck.”

Remus rolled his eyes at the girl playfully and rushed to follow Sirius out of the Great Hall. “Padfoot, wait up!”

“Moony, I am this close to losing my mind. If I go in there and those two are doing gross things with each other, I probably will drop dead.”

“You’re so dramatic,” Remus replied, finally catching up to his boyfriend. It felt as if they were walking a hundred miles an hour with how quickly Sirius wanted to get there.

“Dramatic?! That is James with my brother!” Sirius exclaimed. “I can't believe those words just came out of my mouth. I’m going to be sick.”

They made it to Gryffindor tower, and Remus rushed to say the password and make it into the room before Sirius did.

“Prongs!” he called out, practically fighting with Sirius to make it through the portrait hole first, pushing and shoving each other until they finally were in the room. “He knows and he’s mad!”

Sirius had opened his mouth to speak, but his head snapped towards Remus at those words. “You knew?!”

“I mean, yeah. Kind of,” Remus said and shrugged.

“You knew and you didn't tell me!”

Remus laughed, shrugging again.

“This is not funny, Moony!”

“It’s kind of funny.”

Sirius looked about ready to rip his own hair out. “You know what, I’ll deal with you later. This conversation is not over,” he said, pointing at Remus. He wasn't really angry with Remus, but it was a lot to take in at once.

“Sorry to interrupt your marriage problems, but we’re literally right here,” James pointed out but shut his mouth at the look Sirius sent his way.

“You don’t get to speak!” Sirius said, spinning to face James. “You’re snogging my brother!”

“I’m not at this exact moment actually,” James said.

Sirius moved towards James, ready to raise a fist before Remus pulled him back. “Sirius, stay.”

“What am I a fucking dog?!”

“Well…”

“Not the time, Moony,” Sirius said, before turning back to James. “How long has this been going on?” he asked.

“Well…” James said, rubbing the back of his neck with his hand. “You know the other day at breakfast?” he asked. “When we were joking around?” he asked.

Sirius raised an eyebrow as if to say ‘go on’.

“It might not have been a complete joke. I talked to Regulus that afternoon, I’ve always kinda had a thing for him…”

“When I said you need to move on from Evans, this is not what I meant!” Sirius said, throwing his hands up in the air.

“I for one, am glad you moved on from Evans, love,” Regulus said, a smug smile on his face.

Sirius’ eyes could have burst out of his head upon hearing the pet name fall from his brother’s mouth. “Don’t you start now, I still have a lot to say to you,” Sirius said, pointing a finger at Regulus.

“Come on, Pad—“ James began, but he was cut off by the sound of the portrait opening.

“Finally! Someone with some common sense. Wormtail, can you believe this?” Sirius asked.

Before Peter had a chance to respond, Remus spoke up. “Pete knew too!”

“Wow, way to rat me out, Moony,” Peter said, throwing his friend a glare.

“I’m not about to take the blame for this!” Remus said, holding his hands up in mock surrender.

“Did everyone know about this besides me?!” Sirius asked.

Dorcas, who had followed Peter through the portrait hole along with Marlene, Mary, and Lily, spoke up from where she sat on the other side of the common room, laying across the couch, her head in Marlene’s lap. “Pretty much!” she said.

“All of you are traitors.”

“In our defense, we just didn’t want to see you upset!” Peter defended.

“Upset doesn’t even begin to describe what I’m feeling right now.”

Remus sighed and reached out to grab Sirius’ hand comfortingly, only to be smacked away. “You’ve lost your hand holding privileges for the night,” Sirius said to him.

“Fine. I’ll just hold Pete’s hand instead.”

“I think all of us would be more than happy to hold Remus’ hand for the night,” Mary said from across the room, barely looking from the potions essay she was writing.

“You people make me sick,” Sirius said.

“Sirius, calm down, it’s not that big of a deal,” Regulus said.

“Not that big of a deal? You are the last person that gets to tell me to calm down!” Sirius said.

“Can we skip the dramatics, I’m begging,” Lily spoke up from across the room. “We all know you and Potter will be hugging by the end of the night, Black.”

“She’s right,” Remus said, looking between James and Sirius.

“I’m not happy about this,” Sirius huffed, crossing his arms. “Moony, why didn’t you tell me?” he whined, turning towards his boyfriend.

“It was almost like I knew you wouldn’t take it well, Sirius,” Remus replied sarcastically, raising an eyebrow.

“Are we fine, Pads?” James asked, standing from where he was sitting next to Regulus.

“Fine,” Sirius said, a pout on his face.

“God, finally,” Marlene said, throwing down the book she was pretending to read. “I don’t think I’ve seen you quite that dramatic since I dumped you back in second year.”

“It was mutual, McKinnon!” Sirius said.

“You cried for days, Black,” Marlene shot back.

“To be fair, I also cried when you broke up,” Remus added and laughed. “But those weren’t sad tears.”

Regulus stood up slowly from where he was sitting, “I’m gonna head back to Slytherin…” he said.

James, still standing from where he addressed Sirius, turned to Regulus. “I’ll see you tomorrow, Reg,” he said, leaning in and giving him a quick kiss.

“Get a room,” Sirius said. “Just because I said I’m fine with it doesn’t mean you have to shove it in my face,” he grumbled.

“Come on, Pads,” Remus said, rolling his eyes and holding out his hand.

“Well, I might as well if I don’t want Prongs coming after you too,” Sirius said, shooting a glare at James.

James, a grin on his face, threw an arm around Sirius’ shoulder. “You know, I once thought I had a crush on Moony in fourth year. If I wanted to steal him away, I would’ve a long time ago! He was my first kiss after all.”

“Me too,” the other five people in the room all said at the same time.

“So everyone here has kissed my boyfriend?” Sirius asked, a little shocked as he glanced at Remus, whose face was bright red.

“What can I say? I’m a catch,” Remus joked.