Chapter 1
France, 1821
"Don't." He said, sending a glare to Sirius, "You made your choice."
"I didn't... I never meant to hurt you."
"I don't want your excuses. Go to bloody America," The man laughed bitterly, Sirius pretended not to see the tears in his eyes, "Not like you got a choice now, you took the job."
"I'm sorry."
The man shook his head, his eyes staring stonily at the ground, "You don't have to lie, you were never going to stay."
"Remus-"
He looked up, eyes meeting Sirius's with a scathing glare that lost its edge when the tears spilt down his cheeks, "You've been looking for an out, and here I am giving it to you. Leave."
"It's not forever." Sirius lied, he knew he would never come back. Remus deserved better, and if it meant he had to crush whatever they had for Remus to have that, he would.
"You don't understand what forever is." Remus's voice broke, "Get out! Now!"
It wasn't the first argument, Sirius had been doing his best to rile Remus up all week. He had already stayed too long, already gotten too attached to a situation that would never last. Soon Remus would start to question Sirius, how he knew so much, how he had moved so often, how he kept his youth. How do you explain that?
He loved Remus. More than anyone. So he did what was right, he let him go.
*
England, 2021
The years had changed, and Sirius watched as the world evolved, solidifying his faith that nothing stayed the same forever. Well, perhaps only he stayed the same forever, but that didn't count in his opinion.
He had been 21 for the last few centennials, never aging, even his mind stayed the same, but the world around him? It seemed it changed every day, from cars to cellphones, hell even the fucking pens he bought from craft stores shocked him at times. He didn’t know how he kept his sanity, how he still didn't feel a day over 21.
J: can you stop being angsty and hurry up?
J: I'm tired and I want my drink
And there was the reason why. Good old James.
Literally. James was only a few months younger than Sirius.
S: How have you survived so long? you are so fucking impatient
J: it's been almost an hour, and weren't you complaining about the wait at Sephora yesterday grandpa?
S: I should've done this shit with peter, peter would never ridicule me like this
J: didn't he literally try to murder you?
S: unimportant.
J: I miss peter! he was a good lad
S: expect for the murdery part
"Mocha Latte for James?" A voice called out from the front of the coffee shop Sirius had been waiting in, he went to the front to grab his drink, after the last twelve years, he learned to use James' name instead of his own at places like this.
S: lily with you?
J: Yep. we're talking about her sister, apparently, she use to want to be an actor
Sirius huffed a laugh, he was a fan of Lily. Leave it to James to find a girl like them, to fall in love with her.
James always was one lucky bastard.
Sirius was hardly paying attention as he walked to the entrance of the shop, so it was most likely his fault when he ran into someone. "Shit- sorry mate," Sirius said, as he attempted to regain his balance and not spill James' coffee. "I wasn't paying attention" he explained, as he pocketed his phone and looked up, for a moment his breath stopped. Those eyes .
*
France 1820
"Sirius, will you stop?" the man laughed, batting Sirius's hands from his head.
"What for? I have you to myself an entire week, I'm taking advantage."
"You are something else, I swear... In all my years I've never met someone like you."
"Well your only 21 darling, that's hardly anything."
"I... Yes, you’re quite right." Remus smiled, his face going soft.
Sirius loved nights like these when Remus could stay at home and no one would interrupt and they didn't have to pretend. He loved to stare at his face, those brown eyes with the specks of yellow that looked like they were gold, his face scatted with freckles, and a long, faded scar that ran from his right eyebrow to just the end of his left cheek. It was a work of art, and no matter how many times he tried to capture it he couldn't.
God, this was going to hurt.
*
Brown eyes, with gold specks that he could place anywhere, for a moment he thought this was the end, that the curse he learned so many years ago had broken and now he was dead. That couldn't be it though, he was most certainly still breathing and could feel his heart trying to jump out of his chest, but Remus... Remus was gone, he was sure of it! He had spent years trying to find a trace of the man, but after only finding a few unimportant documents, he assumed that he died shortly after Sirius left, for Remus had never been in good health. But here was the exact replica of the man, he hadn't aged a day and that faded scar was still there, and Sirius knew he saw it too, his eyes were searching Sirius' face and he had a look of fear on his face.
"Is this a dream?" Sirius asked.
"Usually my dreams aren't this pleasant," Remus replied, and Sirius's breath caught in his throat because of that voice.. it had been so long, and he had spent years dreaming of it, but to hear it again... it was like taking a breath of fresh air.
"Remus?"
"Hi." Remus' eyes were glistening, "I think we have a few things to talk about."
~
A few things were quite an understatement, but Sirius couldn't find the sense to argue or even joke as he would usually do in such a situation. He thought about offering his home as a place to have the conversation but didn't think he would be able to sneak Remus past the quizzical eyes of James who had never personally met Remus.
Instead, they stood dumbly for a moment, before Remus nodded his head to an empty table in the far left corner of the shop. The afternoon rush had all but cleared out, so they had little chance of being overheard. Sirius followed Remus (truly what else could he do?), taking in every single change about him. His hair was a bit longer in the front, and he had the bottom and sides cropped shorter, but you couldn't really tell if you weren't looking hard (Sirius was), because of the green beanie he had on. He was wearing a form-fitting brown jumper, some things never change, Sirius thought to himself pleasantly. On top of that was a brown bomber jacket (Sirius was sensing a trend in his wardrobe.) that was adorned with two flower pins, he recognized one of them as lilies. His pants were worn a bit but seemed to fit perfectly on him.
Sirius had hardly enough time to take him all in by the time they made the short walk to the table, both men taking a seat across from the other.
Sirius didn't know how to quite start the conversation, so to give his fidgety hands something to do he took a tentative sip of the coffee, James be damned. Remus seemed to be in the same boat, picking at the skin around his fingertips, just like he use to…
“I thought you were dead.” Sirius blurted.
Smooth. Real smooth.
But Remus smiled and chuckled and the sound alone almost broke Sirius’s heart. “I thought you were dead! You're better at covering your tracks than I had thought.” Remus gave him a sheepish smile as his hand came up to rub the back of his neck.
“Your one to talk! I tried to keep up with you, for years… I never found a single thing, thought you had died right after I left.” Memories of sleepless nights and months of grief-filled Sirius’ mind, “I’m not completely sure I'm not dead right now.” he shook his head as if to clear them of the memories.
Remus just nodded, looking at Sirius, studying him.
Not that Sirius minded, he got the time to look at the front of Remus now. His face hadn't changed, the same tanned skin with dark freckles. His cheeks were rosy, something Sirius had always adored, the permanent blush that he had, it seemed unfitting for someone who was so brash as Remus was but.. he made it work.
“I don't quite know what to say.” Remus laughed awkwardly (God, don't let this be a cruel dream..).
“Neither do I.”
“Well, I guess I could say, ‘Hey remember that shitty breakup from 200 years ago? Turns out you are both immortal.’. It sounds like one of the books I’d write.”
“You still write?” Sirius asked eagerly, he could feel the grin on his face grow.
France 1818
“I hope you know each time you just stand and stare at me, it loses its charm,” Remus said as he turned, fixing Sirius with one of his looks, "What?". Sirius just grinned, he loved this sight, the one where Remus was so concentrated.. So handsome, at peace. He wondered if he looked so peaceful when they were together. It was late into the day, and they had both been stuck inside, hiding from the rain.
“Who are you writing to?” Sirius asked, “If it's Dorcas tell her to mind her own, she stole you yesterday, you're meant to be all mine today.” Sirius reprimanded, going to where Remus was perched in front of his desk.
“I’m not writing to anyone, I’m working on an idea,” Remus replied, letting Sirius wrap his arms around him.
“I'm quite over waiting, come with me. The paper can wait, I don't have forever!” ‘lie’ Sirius's mind bit, ‘liar’.
“You might not.” Remus chuckled, turning back to his desk instead of following Sirius's demand.
“What and you do?” Sirius raised an eyebrow, just as he turned to take Remus’ hands and pull him from the desk.
“Persistent, aren't you?”
“It won you over once.”
The lies were getting harder to keep.
*
“Yeah... I do.” Remus seemed a bit embarrassed now, “Keeps each version of me alive, but can't use the same pen name for very long.”
“Anything I would know?”
“Hopefully not!” Remus’ natural blush was overridden, he was hiding something.
“What does that mean? Cmon Remus! What arent are you telling me?”
“If you had read my books you would have found a.. well.. striking resemblance between yourself and a few characters.”
“You wrote me into your books?”
“As I said, I had never met someone like you.”
Then it hit Sirius.
“Wait. No! It was kinda obvious, and I didn't notice! I had said you were only ‘21’, and you hesitated!”
“Maybe I was insecure about my age?” Remus teased, a smirk on his face.
“Doesn't matter! How in the hell didn't I notice, I was keeping the same secret for god's sake!”
“It all does make more sense now, doesn't it?” Remus asked with a sad smile.
Sirius looked into his eyes, he hoped that now Remus realized why he left, what he thought he was protecting him from, but at the same time, he wondered why Remus hadn't done the same. Remus had wanted Sirius to stay, he had been willing to have the burden of someone whose life would end, and he was willing to go through that pain all for Sirius.
“I know that look, it hasn't been that long.” Remus said, his face softening, “Time to talk about the not-fun part?”
“I left,” Sirius stated.
“You left.” Remus nodded, keeping eye contact.
“You… were going to stay. With me.”
“Yes.”
“Why? I don't know how you would've done it. It could've gotten you killed Remus if I freaked out about the not aging, or-”
“I didn't care.” Remus cut in, a look in his eye Sirius knew. “I loved you, and I just had to hope that... if you found out you wouldn't have cared, or… well maybe I was a bit selfish.”
“You weren't-”
“Please Sirius, you have to admit it is a bit. No, let me explain” He said when Sirius tried to cut in again, “I thought you were.. well normal, and I thought that I could live with that, that I and you could be together until you were… It's a selfish thought, God knows I have to move every 25, maybe 30 years if I'm lucky. It wouldn't have been fair if you were…”
“But I'm not.”
“But you're not.” Remus grinned.
“It's my turn to explain, isn't it?”
“Hoping.”
“I left. I thought I was saving you, that if I left you could fall in love, and live. For years I knew it was wrong, it ate me alive, I was never supposed to fall in love. It was bad for the both of us, to be in love because, in the end, I could never stay, but as you said… You aren't what I thought.” Sirius had put his hands on the table and was fiddling with the ring James had given him.
“Did you ever find another?”
“God no, you were…” Sirius searched for the right thing to say “a once in a lifetime experience.”
“Do you regret it?”
“No. Never have.”
“Neither did I.”
The two let the words hang in the air for a long while, neither quite meeting the eyes of the other. Sirius was still fiddling with his rings, and Remus had begun to pull on his loose curls (Ok maybe Sirius was staring a bit, but can you blame him? It was hopelessly endearing.). In the end, it was Sirius who broke the silence, grabbing Remus’s hand which he had laid on the table.
“Is it stupid that I thought once I touched you, you'd disappear?” Sirius admitted.
“It’d make the both of us fools.”
“Let's get out of here?”
“Lead the way.”
‘Don't let me wake up, don't let me wake up’… Was the constant chanting in Sirius’ mind as he led Remus, Hand in hand, home.
Don't let me wake up. Don't let me wake up. Don’t let me wake up...
~
“Wait so, James is too?” Remus asked.
“Yes, we.. We used a spell when we were younger, didn't want to do it alone,” Sirius admitted, thinking fondly of his younger self, he had been so foolish. “The fucker meet lily in 1976, they figured each other out in 78’, married in 81’.”
“How old is Lily?” Remus asked.
“Well she's stuck in time at 20, but in reality, she’d be reaching her 120th birthday in January.”
“No matter how long I’ve been like this, it'll never not shock me when I realize how long we actually live..” Remus admitted as he let Sirius pull him along the streets leading to his home.
“Insane, isn't it? You know they want kids? I don't know how they’ll pull it off, but James’ find a way.”
“Can people like us even have kids?”
“Fuck if I know, you're meant to be the smart one.”
“You're the one who went to some posh school! I never even went to school, taught myself.”
Sirius turned to give him a grin, “You never cease to amaze me.” he said as he pulled Remus into the door of the cottage(if you could call it that for it was huge in size and had been modernized), it had once belonged to James’ parents, so many years ago. They hadn't got to stay in it very often, now with the moving around, but Sirius cherished every ‘lifetime’ he got to stay there.
“Can't believe you've never met him, you’ll love him,” Sirius told Remus, who looked a bit uncomfortable. “Oi, it’ll be fine. It's not like you haven't an eternity to win him over.”
“Sirius? Is that you?” A voice called from the lounge.
“It better be him, the tosser hasn't answered a single one of my texts and god knows he's not dead in a ditch.” A second voice followed. Sirius could hear his brother's footsteps nearing him, and was ready for the questions on his coffee, for once he had a good excuse.
James rounded the corner with a glare, looking from Sirius’s hand back to his face, “Where's my drink?”
“Gone,” Sirius said simply, moving away from the entryway, leaving Remus standing in the dark.
“Really? It's been over an hour, wanker. You could've gotten me another.” James groaned as he moved to lay his head on his brother's shoulder, pouting.
“I really couldn't.” Sirius grinned (Which only annoyed and intrigued James more.) as he patted his back.
“Why? You save a puppy from a burning building?” James mumbled into Sirius' leather jacket.
“Something so much better,” He said as he pushed James up by his shoulders (making him sulk more), turned and grabbed Remus’ hand, and brought him up next to him.
James stared blankly for a moment, trying to decide if he should cry or punch.
“A date. You couldn't get me a coffee, at a coffee shop, because you got a date?” James was unamused.
Crying seemed more likely to get him more coffee in the end.
“Someone's in a mood, and not just any date, tosser.” Sirius turned to Remus, “Why don't you introduce yourself?”.
Remus couldn't say no to him, he had waited too long to hear his voice again and his eyes were shimmering with mischief, so he pulled himself together and hoped to not make a fool of himself. “Remus Lupin, I’ve heard a lot about you.” Remus extended his hand.
James stood there for a few moments, staring at Remus as if his mind couldn't comprehend the words that were just said. After it had, he took Remus’ hand, looking to Sirius to see if he was being pranked, but the way his brothers’ eyes were filled with glee told him the truth.
“Holy fuck.”
*
France 1821
"You're leaving tomorrow?" He asked.
They were in the study, Remus' chair turned to face Sirius but his eyes never left his hands, Sirius was standing in front of him, posture rigid, once again adopting the cold tone he heard his father speak with so many times.
It all felt very foreign.
"Yes."
The silence was worse than any insult Remus could throw his way, and though he was trying very hard Sirius could see the way his hands shook.
"And that's it?" His voice broke, he was crying.
And he wouldn't meet Sirius' eye.
"Yes."
"Is that all your going to say?" His head shot up, "Will you just fucking talk to me?! Please, Sirius..."
"I'll be gone in the early morning."
Sirius turned on his heel, heading to the door, intending on going straight to the guest room which he had been staying in for close to a month.
"I love you."
He stopped.
"You don't know me."
'I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry....'