To Ashes

Lily,

I’m interpreting your week of silence to mean that you’ve lost your quill, or that your owl has sunk into a deep depression and refuses to carry your letters despite your very best efforts. 

Whatever the reason, I couldn’t wait any longer. I’ve been rattling around this big old house by myself with nothing to do. At first I was passing the time helping Sirius with his motorbike, but then he started talking about cylinders and valves and he lost me completely. Remus has come by a few times but he and Sirius hole up in the shed with the stupid bike and I don’t see them the rest of the day. I didn’t even know Remus liked muggle motorbikes. The man has so many layers. 

Take pity on me and write me back when you have a moment. 

Your lonesome friend,

James

P.S. Hope all is well at home, and that Chrysanthemum isn’t driving you completely mad.

James,

As a matter of fact, I misplaced my quill when I unpacked for the break. Have no fear though, it’s been rescued from underneath my bed, safe and sound albeit a bit dusty. 

I’m sorry you’re feeling bored, but the phrase ‘rattling around in this big old house’ didn’t inspire nearly as much sympathy as you must’ve hoped. Poor James, all alone in his big fancy mansion. I weep at the thought. It must be nice to be able to move from the ballroom to the quidditch pitch to the billiards room when you want a change of scenery. 

Tell Sirius that if he needs assistance with the bike, I’m happy to lend my Charms expertise. I think it’s a stupid idea but I would rather help than later find out that he accidentally blew himself and the shed up trying to make it fly.

Yours fondly, 

Lily

P.S. Things are not great but no worse than expected. Thank you.

Lily,

I see your point about the estate, although I never spend any time in the billiards room. I think you would enjoy our library, I’d love to show it to you some time. 

Sirius very clearly instructed me to convey to you that under no circumstances does he need any assistance, and that he is just as competent in the field of Charms as you are, thank you very much. I can’t understand how they’re still struggling with the bike, he and Remus are constantly shut up in the shed. Muggle motorbikes must be more complicated than I thought. 

 Marlene wrote me asking if she could come use my quidditch pitch. What do you think, Ginger? Want to play 2 v 2?

Your quidditch captain, 

James

P.S. “Not great” is very vague, Lily.

James,

I must regretfully decline your invitation, since unfortunately I’m not interested in falling and breaking every bone in my body. I’m happy cheering from the stands like everyone else. Remus hates brooms nearly as much as I do, but I’m sure Sirius can find some way to convince him.

I would love to see your library some day. I don’t think Mum is going to let me stray farther than three minutes from my front door any time soon, but maybe over the summer. 

‘Not great’ is really the best way to describe it. Tuney and I are tense, but it makes Mum upset so we pretend. Mum tries to hide it but I know it’ll be hard for her to watch me leave again for a new term. I feel so guilty leaving her behind but I can’t bear to stay in this house for much longer. I don’t know how I’ll manage the summer. Every time I turn a corner in my house I expect to see my Dad, but he’s never there, and I feel everything all over again. Not great.

Your biggest quidditch fan,

Lily

Lily,

I would like to circle back around to my incredibly wise words from a few months ago. Grief looks different on everyone, and while having you close might be good for your mum, you feeling guilty and stuck in a vicious cycle isn’t good for anyone. I can’t fix your mum’s worries, but I hope the occasional visit wouldn’t strain her too much. Maybe we can both learn to play billiards over the summer. I think space would be good for you.

As for the quidditch match, I’m deeply wounded that you have such little trust in my abilities. I would never let you get hurt. There would be nary a hair out of place, I promise! I’ll put you down as a solid ‘maybe’. 

Sirius has managed to coax the bike to hover for a few moments before it comes crashing back down again. Although, hovering is generous of me. Violently shaking and pitching up and down would be more accurate. Remus gets top marks in Charms, you’d think he’d have it under control. 

Yours,

James

James,

I’m sure Remus has Sirius, and the motorbike, well in hand. 

You can put me down as ‘maybe’ all you like, there is no force on heaven or earth that will get me on that broomstick. You can ask Marlene about the time she tried to wheedle me into flying with her during our third year, she knows better now.

I’m jumping out of my skin waiting the final few days until we can go back to school, this house is too quiet and empty. I feel like I have to tiptoe everywhere.

I’m bringing back a heavy blanket so that we can smoke at the tower. You’re a terrible influence on my lungs, Potter. 

See you soon,

Lily