To Ashes

The beginning of the term unfolded slowly, into a long slew of seemingly endless afternoons that all felt the same as those that came before. James and Lily’s midnight trips to the astronomy tower were the markers by which James counted his days, fleeting moments of vibrancy when suddenly all colors seemed so much brighter to him.

It was far too cold to keep smoking in the open night air, but still they went. The two of them would huddle stubbornly under the quilt Lily had brought back with her, the weight of it only barely keeping away the winter chill, often forgetting the cigarettes burning to ash in their hands as they talked and laughed.

Through every word and joke and laugh, James could feel the wanting burning right up under his ribs. He made a good effort of ignoring the way the wind mussed her hair, and the heat of her body seeping through the wool of his jumper, but her eyes would slide toward him after she made a joke she knew he’d find particularly clever and the hunger would spike without warning. Hot and bright, it raged and yearned and pleaded for her. He wanted it to burn him from the inside out, he thought it a pleasant way to go. Loving Lily Evans was as happy a death as a man could ask for. And that’s what it was. James didn’t know how or when, but suddenly it was love, and it came as easily to him as breathing.

On the nights they ventured to the tower James held his wanting tightly in his hand, letting the bite of fire remind him not to go too fast or too far, because sometimes he thought Lily might be able to see the truth of him. If he smiled too warmly or sat too close he could see something shutter behind her eyes and she would suddenly be leagues away from him. Unreachable, aloof, like a skittish doe slipping back into the shaded haven of the forest. 

It was a constant push and pull, a balancing act where the wrong move would send her running. So he kept his hunger in check, didn’t look too closely at her mouth, made sure to leave space between them under the quilt. He let the wind chap his cheeks raw and smiled at Lily with numb lips. He kept telling himself it was enough. 

“She’s finally done it!” Lily announced by way of greeting, sweeping into the common room in a flurry of wild hair with a letter crumpled in a white-knuckled fist. 

Sirius, lying lengthwise on the sofa, moved his legs for a moment so she could plop down onto the cushions before stretching them back out over her lap. She rested her hands and the letter on his knees, and a cold flash of jealousy slithered through James’s body. Even the idea of such casual contact made him burn.

“The stupid bint went and got engaged to Vernon.” Marlene and Mary winced. 

“That’s no good.” Mary said sympathetically.

“Only months since the funeral. What happened to proper mourning periods?” 

“Will you have to be in the wedding?” Marlene asked, trying not to grin.

“Oh good god I hope not.” 

“But maybe you could catch the bouquet!” There was a note of longing in Mary’s voice, but Lily’s anger was still simmering. 

“I’d rather take a swan dive off of the astronomy tower.” She said flatly. Marlene snorted.

“Excuse me,” James interjected politely, “what is a Vernon?”

Lily stared at him for a moment before realizing he was serious. “He’s the world’s dullest man, James.” 

“He’ll have to fight Binns for that title.” Sirius chuckled. Lily swatted his knee.

“Binns doesn’t count, he’s a ghost.” Peter protested.

“A male ghost.” Sirius corrected.

“The world’s dullest living man then.” Lily rolled her eyes. There was a little crease between her brows, James wanted to smooth it away with his fingertips. “I’ll have to go. Mum would kill me if I skive off my only sister’s wedding.” 

“Need a hot date, Evans?” Sirius’s grin was wide, with a fanged edge meant just for James.

Lily smiled down at him fondly. “I’m going to be trying to attract as little attention as possible while I’m there.”

“What’re you trying to say?”

“You have a lot of strengths, Sirius, but that isn’t one of them.” Remus coughed hastily to cover a laugh as Sirius balked at her.

“I want to meet the world’s dullest man!” He protested. 

“Sirius, if I show up with an incredibly handsome posh boy from my mystery boarding school it will quite literally draw every single person’s attention.” Something in James’s chest clenched at ‘handsome’.

He narrowed his eyes at her. “I am not posh.” 

The resounding “Yes you are” came from every single one of them. He glared sulkily at each of them in turn before perking up slightly.

“You think I’m handsome, though?” 

Mary snorted. “Far too handsome for your own good, you brat.” 

“Oi!”

“Does he know about, you know,” James made a vague sweeping gesture toward the common room, “all of this?”

A shadow passed over Lily’s face, so quickly he almost thought he imagined it. “He does.”

“Didn’t take the news very well?” Remus’s voice was gentle.

“They almost split over the holidays when he found out, I thought Petunia was going to slip arsenic into my tea. She -” Lily’s voice broke off suddenly, and James followed her furrowed stare to where Peter was sitting in the overstuffed armchair, fiddling nervously with his cuff.

She swung her head around to glare at James. “What did you do?”

“Excuse me?” He aimed for indignation, but fell just short and landed at politely baffled.

“Pete’s fidgeting. That means you all did something you shouldn’t have.” He found he had nothing to say once her glare was turned on him at full force. Remus cleared his throat gruffly and kept his own eyes firmly glued to his lap.

She turned to Sirius, who gave her his best dimpled grin from where he still reclined on the sofa. 

“Sirius?”

“It’s possible we charmed the Slytherins’ hair pink.”

“ Sirius .”

“Not permanently!”

“For how long?” Marlene asked, not bothering to hide her smile.

“A week, give or take.” James answered. 

Lily muttered something under her breath that he didn’t quite catch, but he thought he caught a hint of a smile tugging at the corner of her lips. 

The next morning, a first year was found in a broken, bloody heap on the floor outside of the Great Hall. His blood soaked the walls, a hastily painted ‘MUDBLOOD’ decorating the heavy wooden doors. He was quickly rushed to the hospital wing amid a great swell of screams and shouts, a slick trail of blood marking his way.

The castle held its breath.