To Ashes

Sirius rolled his neck as the train rounded a bend, resisting the urge to stretch out across the seat to place his head in Remus’s lap. The rough weave Remus’s trousers always scratched his cheek, but it was worth it to feel the heat of his skin slipping through the thin fabric. Sirius wouldn’t mind if the others saw, but Remus would. Their intimacy was hard-won, which made it deeply private. He settled for tapping Remus’s knee gently and warming at the flash of a smile that was just for him, blooming and wilting in the same instant. He wondered, not for the first time, how long their relationship could last when it was cobbled together from a thousand stolen moments. The worry sat like a bruise between them, half-healed and tender to the touch.

He left that particular wound alone for a moment and cast a lazy look across the cabin at his idle friends. Lily had come back from her patrol about halfway through the ride and plopped wearily down next to James, seeming to sink ever lower into the cushions as the train barreled toward London. Her eyes were glazed as she stared out the window, the train’s speed turning the countryside to streaks of green and brown and blue as she receded deeper and deeper into herself. She made a good show of hiding it, but Sirius was intimately familiar with the kind of dread she was drowning in. 

Sirius leaned his head back against the seat as their meandering conversation dipped to a lull, closing his eyes against the harsh overhead lights and remembering the way he used to spend the train rides home fighting waves of nausea as he counted down his remaining minutes of freedom. He would be going home to James’s parents this year, but the old fear still lingered, clinging to his skin like frost to a windowpane. As if feeling his unease, Remus pressed his leg firmly against Sirius’s, and that really shouldn’t have had any kind of effect on him at all, but it did.

“Sirius.”

His head popped up. “I- hm?” 

“Don’t doze off, we’re almost there.” James said sternly. 

“Oh let him sleep,” Mary interjected, “we have at least another thirty minutes.”

“Thank you, Mary.” Sirius said, glaring at James. “Might I say that you’re looking beautiful this morning?”

Mary rolled her eyes, but she always had a smile for him. 

“Actually,” Remus interjected, peering at her closely, “did you change your hair? It looks very nice.” Sirius smothered a chuckle. Remus was so good with girls, Sirius would never understand. 

Mary beamed at him. “You sweet boy, I did. I braided it last night. Might’ve used magic to speed up the process a bit. ” She flipped the new braids proudly over her shoulder, the small golden beads she’d added in clicking gently against each other as they fell. Sirius had been teasing her but she really was so lovely. 

“You really are very good with cosmetic spells, Mary.” Lily interjected. “I'm terrible with them, any time I try I’m terrified I’ll end up with blue hair.”

“Did Lily Evans just admit to being bad at something?” Mary’s grin nearly split her face in two. “Everyone make note, this will never happen again.”

Flush spread like watercolor across Lily’s cheeks.

James nudged her. “I bet you’re not that bad at them.” Sirius fought the urge to roll his eyes too. Stupid man. Stupid, lovesick man.

Lily arched a fine eyebrow at him. “Would you care to let me test my skills on you?”

“Erm, no,” he said hastily, “I like my hair just the way it is.”

“Really?” She teased, reaching up to pluck at a stray tuft of James’s ever-messy hair. “You don’t think you could pull off the blue?” James went beet red under her touch. Sirius glanced over to meet Mary’s eyes, and they had a silent conversation of their own.

You see that? Her raised eyebrow asked.

How could I miss it? His eye roll said.

You don’t think.... She narrowed her eyes.

I don’t. Not yet. His minute head shake responded. 

They all said their goodbyes on the platform, the thick steam from the train drifting through the throng of students. 

“You all better write.” Marlene said sternly, jabbing a threatening finger at each of them. “I’m going to be bored stiff.”

As they all hastily assured her that they would, Sirius saw James tug gently on a strand of Lily’s hair. She turned her face upwards, a smile already in place. 

“You going to be okay at home with her?” Sirius heard him ask quietly. 

Her smile wilted. “Probably not, but it’s not forever. Only a few weeks.” Seeing James’s frown, she added, “I’ll be hiding up in my room most of the time. I know Marlene is going to send at least one letter a day.” 

“Will you have room in your busy schedule to write to me?” 

The smile returned, just the tiniest bit. “I’ll see what I can do.” 

Sirius released Mary from a hug and strolled over to the pair of them. He and Remus had said their own goodbye that morning within the privacy of Sirius’s silenced bed curtains, but it didn’t feel like enough. Sirius would never have his fill of him.

 James and Lily turned towards the sound of James’s parents calling out to them from across the platform, and James wrapped Lily in a quick but tight hug. 

“Bye.” He whispered to the crown of her head before releasing her.

“Bye Lily.” Sirius said cheerfully, pecking her quickly on the cheek as he moved past. He had to resist the urge to seize James by the arm and march him away like a child. “James, your parents are waiting.”

And so they went their separate ways, the steam from the departing train hanging like a curtain between them all.

“You’re in trouble.” Sirius said flatly as they drew closer and closer to James’s parents. James didn’t ask what he meant.