To Ashes

“Lily Evans, are you actually about to set foot in the broomstick shop?”

Lily was frowning at the shop window, ignoring all of the disgruntled passersby shouldering past through the snow. “Marlie, do - do I buy James a Christmas present this year?”

It was only her deep and abiding love for Lily that allowed Marlene the willpower to answer her seriously. “You seem to be friends now, that’s what friends do.”

An anxious crease was pressed between Lily’s brows. “But what if it’s too much?”

“Lily, have you noticed that the two of you have been spending an awful lot of time together recently?”

She frowned. “Have we?” Marlene’s willpower was starting to run low.

“People don’t do that if they aren’t friends.” 

“Will you help me pick something? I don’t know a thing about brooms.”

“You mean aside from the fact that you don’t like them?”

“Exactly.”

“‘Course I will.”

After ages of picking through the store’s product Lily ended up picking out a lovely broomstick maintenance kit, but only after dozens of assurances from Marlene that James didn’t already have one.

“He used to, but the polish ran out and he lost all of the other bits.”

“You’re sure?”

“Lily.”

“Sorry, sorry.”

The common room on the last night of the term was snug and warm, filled with students  drifting languidly here and there, loose-limbed and content now that exams had passed. 

Sirius had spent the better part of the previous night charming several sprigs of mistletoe to patrol the room for the evening. They bobbed happily through the air, pausing every so often on their journey to hover over an unlucky pair of unsuspecting students. It would then switch from benign bobbing to menacing circling, and if the stammering, blushing pair took longer than a few seconds to kiss, the mistletoe would start whacking them over the head until they did. 

Sirius was immensely proud of them.

For Lily, the warmth and ease and shine of the evening was tinged with sadness. In the morning she would go home to a fractured household. Her mum would do her best to make things feel as they always did, but her father’s absence would loom over them, following them into the new year like a shadow. Every moment, every word, every action would be steeped in sorrow. Lily could feel it already, a knot of dread growing tighter and tighter in her chest as the night ticked on. She laughed with her friends and kept a bright smile pasted firmly to her face,  but every once in a while she caught James shooting her a curious look. 

Buried under the small pile of gifts for her friends was the present she’d bought for James, wrapped as neatly as she could manage. She grabbed it first by accident and promptly pushed it back into the pile before anyone could catch a glimpse of it.

Lily tossed Sirius his gift first, trying not to laugh at the way his eyes widened into perfect circles in his face as he unwrapped the muggle lighter. She’d found him a very nice one, heavy enough that its weight felt good in the hand, and had it engraved with his name one on side and the Gryffindor lion on the other

“Cheers, Lil’!” Sirius beamed as he flicked the lighter on clumsily, waving the small flame eagerly back and forth. Remus shot Lily a look that plainly said “Are you serious?” and she bit back a grin.

“Maybe wait to try it until you’re outside.” Peter suggested nervously, watching the flame jump dangerously close to the blanket that was wrapped around Sirius’s shoulders. 

“It’s just a little flame, Pete.” Sirius teased, flicking it on and off rapidly. Remus, faster than Lily’s eyes could track, reached over and plucked it from his hand.

“Oi!”

“You can have it back later.” Remus said firmly, sliding it into his pocket.

“Fine. Spoilsport.”

“Berk.”

“Okay!” James interrupted cheerily. “Here are yours from me.” 

The night was a flurry of packages tossed back and forth and wrapping littering the carpet. Remus kept trying to snatch each wayward scrap as it fell, stuffing them mercilessly into a rubbish bag to meet their papery doom, but there were always more just floating out of arm’s reach.

Eventually there was no more way to delay it. Lily cleared her throat and awkwardly stuck the present out to James, feeling herself flush as he took it with a surprised and pleased smile. She didn’t need to see her friends’ faces to know the looks they were exchanging amongst themselves.

“Hold on,” James rustled through his pile until he withdrew a package that he then plopped into her lap, “at the same time!” It was heavy, and for some reason that made her nervous. Judging by her friends’ poorly smothered laughter she didn’t do a very good job of hiding her surprise, but James very kindly looked past that. 

“Did you have a house elf wrap this?” She gently poked the perfect golden bow on top of the package. “Because that’s cheating.”

James grinned. “I’m a man of many talents.” He said proudly. 

Lily slid the ribbon off as delicately as possible and peeled back the paper to reveal the most beautiful potions set she’d ever seen. She gaped, running her trembling fingers lightly over the golden scales, the cool and smooth stone of the mortar and pestle, the gleaming knives and vials. It was almost too fine for her to touch. Mary let out an appreciative whistle.

“James, this must’ve cost a fortune.” Worry sat like a fist in her chest at the thought of him wasting his money on her. James only half-heard her, looking down at the broom maintenance kit with a gentle smile.

He glanced up eagerly as she nudged him with her shoulder, and the warm glow of his face nearly made her forget what she wanted to say. “Do you like it?”

“I- of course I like it!” She stammered. And she did, she really did. “But -”

“Then that’s that.” His voice was firm. 

“T-thank you.” She said lamely. 

He smiled at her, and tapped the kit in his lap. “You’re welcome, and thank you for this. It’s far nicer than the one I used to have.”

Marlene grinned. “She spent forty entire minutes staring at the different options. Asked me a dozen times if I was sure you didn’t already have one.”

James laughed warmly. Lily glared at her, the traitor, and was about to respond when she heard a shrill jingle of bells over her head. Horror pricked up her spine as she craned her neck upwards to see one of Sirius’s mistletoes hovering above her and James. 

Lily felt her cheeks burn as everyone burst out into incredulous laughter. Her fingers almost twitched toward her wand, but she knew Sirius well enough to be wary of whatever safeguards he might’ve created. 

Casting a stern glare around the snickering circle, James slid an arm quickly around her shoulder, and before Lily could even react he pressed his lips to her cheek. It lasted just a sliver of a second, and then he was gone.

Warring relief and disappointment crashed over her as James pulled away and drew his arm back from around her shoulders. His lips left a burning circle branded onto her cheek, and she could imagine the print of  them glowing on her skin like an ember. She resisted the urge to touch the spot with her fingers. 

“Well now that’s not fair,” Mary complained, “we want more of a show than that.”

“That’s the only show you’re getting, you depraved maniacs.” 

An hour or so later James was sliding into bed, feeling such an expansive sense of contentment that he couldn’t keep the small smile from his face.

“Can I have my lighter back?” Sirius asked from his bed.

“No.” Remus’s response was muffled by the blanket he was already snugly tucked under.

“You said later.” Sirius accused.

Remus stuck his head out of his curtains, his hair sticking up in tufts like a fledgling owl. “It’s not later yet.” Sirius opened his mouth to protest but Remus cut him off. “I’ll give it back to you before we leave tomorrow.” 

Sirius muttered something under his breath but arranged his face into the picture of perfect innocence when Remus narrowed his eyes at him.

James pulled out the map, looking to see where Filch was patrolling to judge whether or not he had a straight shot to the kitchens, when he noticed a dot labeled ‘Lily Evans’ leaving the common room. He immediately got up and started pawing through his clothes for a warm layer.

“Hot date, James?” Sirius asked, his sharp eyes at odds with the casual drawl of his voice.

James shrugged in what he hoped was a casual manner. “I think Lily’s headed to the astronomy tower, and she shouldn’t be off on her own when they still haven’t found the person who attacked the first years.”

“Right, it’s absolutely that and not the fact that you’re hoping for a late night snog.”

“Padfoot.”

“What, am I wrong? Someone was blushing very hard under that mistletoe.” Sirius’s smile was wide but James knew him well enough to see past the grin to the gleaming teeth underneath, less a smile than his teeth bared in warning.

“Fuck off.”

“That’s the best you’ve got?”

James frowned at him as he tugged a jumper over his head. “She’s still grieving, Sirius.” 

Sirius had the good sense to look chagrined, but then Peter piped up. “You were pretty red, Prongs.” Sirius perked back up, looking at him triumphantly and waving his hand towards Peter as if to say “you see?”

“You’re all insane.” James shook his head at them as he made for the door, wanting desperately to be far away from the look in Sirius’s eyes.

“Says the man in love!” Sirius called after him, the door cutting him off as it shut.

By the time he caught up to Lily she was already climbing the stairs to the astronomy tower.

“Lily!” 

She whirled around, eyes wide, peering anxiously through the dim light. “James?”

He jogged up the steps, panting slightly. “Holy harpies, woman, you move fast.”

A smile swept across her face and was gone just as quickly. “What’re you doing here?” 

“I could ask you the same question.” He said sternly. “I thought we had a deal.”

Lily had the decency to look sheepish. “The train is leaving early tomorrow, I didn’t want to keep you up.”

“Well, here I am.” He said crisply, gesturing to the stairs ahead of them. “Ladies first.”

James named the constellations he could pick out as they smoked.

“There’s Orion, Sirius hates that one.”

“How does someone hate a constellation?”

James chuckled. “It’s his middle name.”

“Oh, but that’s not a bad middle name at all.”

“I know. Much better than mine.”

The catlike grin that James was so fond of spread slowly over Lily’s face. “And what is your middle name?”

“Er, forget I said anything.” But it was too late.

“Pleaaase?” She begged, wheedling. “I’ll tell you mine.” She put her cigarette down and captured one of his hands, clasping it with both of hers. 

His resolve wavered at the unexpected contact of her skin, silk-soft against his. “There’s no way yours is anywhere near as bad as mine.” 

“I guess we’ll just have to find out.”

James groaned. “You can’t laugh.”

“I won’t.” She arranged her features into solemnity. 

“It’s Fleamont.” 

James watched as approximately twelve different emotions passed over Lily’s face. She pursed her lips tightly as she fought to keep her promise not to laugh. He waited, glaring, as she struggled silently. 

She finally took a deep breath. “Fleamont?”

“It’s my dad’s name.”

“You got off easy then.”

“Very funny,” he deadpanned, “now what is your middle name?”

“It’s Marie.”

He stared at her in disbelief. “You...that’s not even bad at all. I can’t believe you used that as a bargaining chip.” 

“Sorry.” She didn’t look sorry at all. 

Lily dropped his hand and retrieved her cigarette, and James watched as she deemed it a lost cause and put it out against the cold stone beneath them. He had the strangest urge to ask her to light another one, for no other reason than the fact that he liked the look of her smoking. Lily turned everything she did into an art form, every movement precise and full of intent. Whenever they sat at the tower together he savored every moment, eyes greedy for the way she tilted her head back when she exhaled, the curve of her neck outlined against the winking stars. 

James sighed and took a long, slow drag, leaning back on his elbows and trying to ignore the cold bite of the winter air. He watched her as she sat, knees pulled up to her chest, staring up at the sky. 

“How do you feel about going home?” He asked softly. She didn’t turn round but he  could see the tension climbing up her spine. A few seconds passed in silence as the space between them seemed to stiffen.

“Not great.” She finally whispered. 

“No?”

Lily looked down at him with a small frown on her face, her brows furrowed in what almost looked like confusion. “He won’t be there,” she said, bewildered, “he won’t be there and I just don’t know what to do with that.”

He sat up slowly, putting out his cigarette as he did so. Lily turned back around, and James knew that was her way of shutting the door on the conversation. Tentatively, he touched her back. Just a few fingertips at first, gently, so gently, so that she wouldn’t shatter right in front of his eyes. She took a deep breath, he could feel the shudder of it under his palm.

“I’m tired, James.” She whispered.

“We can head back.” 

She shook her head, sliding toward him so that she was in the crook of his arm, and rested her head against his shoulder. 

“In a minute.”

He squeezed her shoulder, hoping she couldn’t hear the way that his heart was close to pounding straight out of his ribs, and they sat like that for a while.

“How did you know where I was?” Lily asked as they left the tower. 

“I, uh…” James trailed off hesitantly, all too aware of the knife-sharp sting of her stare on his skin. 

“That doesn’t sound good.”

“We made a map of Hogwarts,” he started slowly, “and we charmed it so that it shows everyone’s location at all times, as long as they’re in the castle.” He pulled it out and showed her.

They came to a halt as Lily stared intently down at the paper, one hand wound firmly around his arm to hold him in place. 

“I want you to know,” she started finally, “that I am very actively deciding to be impressed with your spellwork and creativity instead of feeling incredibly violated.”

James nodded rapidly. “Yeah, great decision, much appreciated.”

She let go of his arm. “I’m assuming, or hoping, that this map isn’t used for nefarious purposes.”

He ran a hand through his hair sheepishly. “It started as a way to just avoid Filch when we were sneaking around at night, but then we were curious about how far we could take it.”

Lily shook her head silently.

“What is it?”

She groaned. “Don’t make me admit it.”

He grinned. “Admit what?” He asked innocently.

“That you’re an incredibly talented group of wizards.” 

“Is that a compliment I hear?”

“Don’t make me regret it.”