To Ashes

The first thing Lily noticed was James and Peter sitting in bedside chairs. The second was Sirius curled up at the foot of that bed, one hand fisted tightly in the blankets as he dozed. The third was the body laid out in the cot, fully visible without the hospital screens pulled closed to hide it. It was horrible to look at, bone pale and criss crossed with cuts and bruises. It was so still that Lily’s first horrified thought was that it had to be a corpse.

But then the bruised and bloodied body twitched, its head turning slightly toward the sound of Lily’s footsteps. And then all of a sudden it wasn’t a body at all, it was Remus. Remus, looking like he’d been rent limb from limb and put clumsily back together. His eyes, sunk deep into the gaunt and shadowed sockets of his skull, slid to meet hers. 

In that moment, the span of half a heartbeat, Lily remembered every time Remus had pleaded ill, disappearing for a night and the following day, all of the smothered winces and healing bruises beneath his shirt collar. As they looked at each other, both realizing what she knew, there was no anger in his eyes, no fear. Only sorrow, so heavy that Lily could feel the ache of it blooming in her own chest. 

Suddenly Remus was gone, and Lily’s entire field of vision was filled by a blue jumper. Before she could even open her mouth, James seized her by the arms and all but dragged her from the infirmary, hands like vice grips around her wrists as he ignored her attempts to twist and slide from his grasp. Only once the doors shut firmly behind them did he come to a stop.

“Take your hands off me you colossal fucking prick.” Lily was barely able to keep her voice below a shriek.

He dropped her arms like they’d burned him, but the apology she was expecting never came. James just stared at her, and right then it seemed to Lily that despite him standing nearly on her toes, he’d never been farther away from her. Entire oceans could fit comfortably in the space between the two of them. She didn’t like the way he was looking at her, his eyes dark and flat, something in them raising the hairs on the back of her neck. Something dangerous. 

“You won’t tell anyone.” It wasn’t a plea, or a request. It was an order, and a threat.

“ Excuse me? ”

“You heard me.” Something sharp about his gaze made Lily take a step back. Even when they were in the middle of a row, yelling at the top of their lungs, he never spoke to her like that. She’d never felt unsafe.

“I would never tell anyone.”

“I’m serious, Lily. If you tell anyone-” 

“He’s my friend too!” She hissed. James’s mouth snapped shut. “D’you really think so poorly of me that you believe I would ever, ever do anything to bring him harm?”

“All I’m saying is that it would be bad. For both of you.” 

Lily glared up at him. “I love him too, James. I don’t care if he’s- if he’s a werewolf. He’s my friend, and I keep my friends’ secrets.” James stared at her for a moment, but there was nothing on her face but honesty. He nodded slowly, softening around the edges. Lily fought the sudden urge to reach out and touch him to make sure it was actually him, and not the stranger who’d stood in front of her just a moment before, cold and hard and distant enough to have been carved from marble.

“Okay,” he said softly, “you’re right. I’m sorry.” Lily relaxed.

“It’s alright.”

“I just had to be sure.”

“I know.”

“I mean, you know how Remus is. It would kill him.”

“I know James. It’s okay.”

He reddened slightly and gestured to her arms, saying “And sorry for the, uh, you know.”

“Shut up.”

“I’m a monster, Lily.” Remus insisted, for the third time. He was pacing back and forth across his dormitory, while the others listened with politely folded hands. He paused at the windowsill, chest heaving slightly with exertion, as his tirade finally ended. 

Lily just looked at him skeptically from where she was sitting, cross-legged, on James’s bed. “You, Remus Lupin? Are we talking about the same Remus Lupin who begs me to cut up the dead spiders in Potions because it makes him feel too guilty?” Sirius coughed loudly to cover what sounded suspiciously like laughter. James hid his grin behind his hand.

Remus sighed. “I just mean I would understand if you didn’t want to be my friend anymore.”

Lily gaped at him for a moment, horrified, realizing he actually meant it. “There are a lot of bigots in the world,” she said finally, “but I am not one of them.”

Remus just glared at her, and began his speech again from the beginning. Sirius sighed and leaned back to sprawl, catlike, across his bed, his head hanging carelessly off the side. Even upside down he watched Remus pace back and forth across the room, tracking every gingerly step, his face so soft and open that Lily couldn’t look away. As Remus ranted and worried, Lily came to a second, quieter realization. 

It only took a quick glance around the room to tell her what she already suspected; James and Peter were clueless. She marveled to herself how they could live together and constantly miss what was right in front of their eyes. 

She stood right as Remus was circling back around to the ‘I’m a monster’ bit of his rant, cutting him off as she wrapped her arms around him and taking such great care not to jostle his aching joints. He sputtered as she squeezed him gently, whispering a near silent “love you” that only he would hear into the fabric of his shirt. 

Peter looked up from the book he’d occupied himself with. “Is he finally done?”

“Oi!” 

“He’s done.” Sirius chirped as he swung himself gracefully upright on the bed.

“I am not !” Remus protested, two spots of color burning on his cheeks.

James patted his shoulder gently. “S’okay, Moony. One day you’ll accept that you don’t have a single scary bone in your body.”

“Moony.” Lily repeated, grimacing slightly. “I can’t believe you’ve been going around calling him Moony for years and I didn’t realize.” 

“That’s the fun of it.” Sirius’s grin was sinful.

“I’m not done yet.” Remus repeated.

Four voices responded in unison. “Yes you are.”