To Ashes

James found Lily standing with a cigarette in shaking hand, smoke unfurling like a silvery halo above her mussed hair as she stared out the cracked window at the storm. The rain was coming down in violent sheets, lashing the stone walls of the castle. It was somewhere between the very late night and the very early morning, and the common room was empty.

 Had James not caught sight of her deadened expression he would’ve gleefully ripped her to shreds for smoking in the common room when she’d told him off time and time again for doing the same. But one look at her face snatched the words from his tongue. James approached cautiously, all plans to ransack the kitchens forgotten. 

Lily didn’t look up. She wasn’t crying, but from the damp tear drops scattered on her dressing gown he knew she had been. Her fingers trembled as she took a long drag, closing her eyes as she exhaled. James opened his mouth to speak but she beat him to it. 

“Please, James. Not tonight.” James. Not once since they met had she called him that. Her voice was so small in the silence of the common room that James found himself leaning forward to catch it. “Can we take a break, just for tonight?” 

He was at a loss. James was not accustomed to the feeling of helplessness, but right at that moment he didn’t have a single thing to say. This was not a Lily he recognized. There was no fire, there was no spirit. He had a sneaking suspicion that if he reached out to touch her she would shatter like glass. She turned towards him, letting him look at the bruised exhaustion under her red eyes, laying all her vulnerability bare. She was ghostly pale. He had the damndest instinct to take her cigarette and lead her gently back up to bed. But vulnerable or not, Lily would never allow herself to be led, to be handled. Not by him, at least. He nodded at her slowly.

“Okay, Lily.” The tightness around her eyes lessened the tiniest bit, and she gave him a nod in return. And so James turned around and gave her back her moment of privacy, never noticing the letter that had fallen to her feet. 

James had written it off as a dream by morning, although he couldn’t explain the lingering sense of sorrow he felt as he rose. He’d snuck out of the castle early for a morning ride, and was slightly late for breakfast. He wove deftly through a group of chattering first years to find Remus, Sirius, and Peter sitting with Marlene and Mary. 

“Lily went home.” Remus answered his unasked question as he sat down. Their brief exchange in the common room a few hours before came rushing back to him. The tears, the raw grief painted over her face, the trembling cigarette.

“Her dad died last night.” Mary said, her face grim. “She went home first thing this morning.”

“Was it a hit?” It was his first thought. Fear had seeped into the castle like rot, worry and dread hanging in the air around them like smoke. They breathed it in and out and hoped that the letters that arrived weren’t for them. The ones who did receive letters often didn’t return. There were whispers of a coming war. A monster gathering power and preaching blood purity. Mary shook her head.

“Heart attack, it came out of nowhere.”

“Heart attack?”

“It’s a muggle thing.”

“Oh.” James frowned down at his breakfast. Lily didn’t even like happy surprises, and he didn’t need to be her friend to know a shock like this would leave her reeling. 

“She comes back on Monday,” Marlene said, “I expect everyone to be supportive.” She cast a stern eye around the table.

“Obviously.” Sirius huffed. His indignation would’ve been more convincing had he not simultaneously been focusing intently on building a tower out of toast.

James rolled his eyes. “I personally was planning on turning her hair flaming pink the moment she walked through the door.” Remus kicked him underneath the table.  

“Lay off her for a bit, James.” Marlene said sharply. “She won’t need that when she comes back.” 

He held up a hand defensively, still rubbing his sore shin with the other. “You know I will.” Her face softened. Lily was the only one of her group of friends who truly thought he was an arrogant toerag, and that didn’t really seem fair to him, since she got on very well with his mates. 

“I know.” 

There wasn’t really much to say after that, and for the next few days Lily’s absence was a presence between them, like a living shadow. James found himself looking for her in their classes, in the common room, at mealtimes. He felt a pointed, quiet sense of loss. 

Lily was still damp. She’d returned via Floo, but the idea of facing her friends immediately seemed insurmountable. She’d reassured Professor McGonagall that she was quite alright before sneaking out of the castle. Once free on the grounds she wandered aimlessly, dew from the grass dampening her stockings. It wasn’t fully raining, just a typical Scottish mist. She turned her face to the cloud covered sky and found herself wishing that the droplets were heavier. It would be nice to feel something, even if it was just the rain. She’d stayed there until the drizzle had soaked her to the bone before silently walking back inside. 

She didn’t bother to use a drying charm, she just dripped her way through the halls. She might’ve been shivering. Her head felt like it was buzzing. She’d just spent the week in her childhood bedroom, eating toast with her sister at the breakfast table, cuddling their ancient cat. Her rage, her grief, it seemed to belong to someone else, a girl who knew nothing of magic or secret worlds. But the echoes of that loss remained. Every time she closed her eyes, Lily was staring down at her father’s open casket. It was difficult to straddle two separate worlds. 

She looked up at the portraits that hung on the wall as she passed. Some recognized her and called out in greeting. Others merely smiled and waved. Moving, sentient paintings. Right in front of her. The Lily that cast spells and brewed potions and lived alongside the impossible should’ve been able to prevent what had happened to the other Lily. The muggle Lily. It wasn’t fair. 

Her breath started to quicken and she had to pause, crouching against the wall next to the common room entrance for a moment while she struggled to pull air into her lungs. Her two separate worlds had careened into each other, and it was enough to send her head spinning. 

Two minutes could’ve passed or two hours, but Lily forced herself unsteadily to her feet, one hand on the wall for balance. The Fat Lady clucked sympathetically at her. She might’ve said something, but Lily didn’t hear.

“Treacle.” She muttered, and the portrait swung reluctantly open. She stood completely still on the first step as the portrait swung shut behind her.  She could hear her friends’ voices, could feel the warmth of the room creeping its tendrils up the dark steps towards her. Potter’s laugh rang out the loudest.

She closed her eyes and steeled herself. Would he hold it over her? Smirk and laugh about how he’d caught her in tears? She didn’t think he could be quite that cruel, but perhaps he would prove her wrong. She took a steadying breath and headed in to face them, drawn towards the warmth like a moth to the flame.

They were in the middle of an intense debate on the merits of muggle motorcycles versus broomsticks. Sirius was the motorcycle’s sole champion.

“But they can’t fly !” Marlene cried for the tenth time. 

“Not yet!” Sirius said smugly. Mary threw her hands up.

“Sirius, we’re discussing motorcycles and broomsticks as they are, not as what they could potentially be in the future.”

“Maybe you are.” 

Remus rubbed his eyes wearily.

“Hullo.” The small greeting silenced them all.

They looked up to see a rain-soaked Lily coming slowly through the entrance. Mary and Marlene leapt up and swarmed her as she climbed through the portrait hole, fussing over her damp hair and slipping her rucksack from her shoulder. Mary scolded her gently for not using a drying spell as she cast one herself. Her face was bone pale.

 They kept putting hands on her - hands on her shoulder, hands on her upper back, hands on her wrists - like they felt the need to ground her where she stood. Lily peered past her friends and their worry, and looked toward James across the room. Her eyes looked oddly out of focus. 

He tried to smile warmly, and something that looked a bit like relief flickered over her face for half a heartbeat. The moment broke as Remus wrapped her in a hug. Remus was good at those, and James tried to tamp down the jealousy he felt as Lily seemed to melt against him, the crown of her now-dry red head barely visible over Remus’s shoulder as her head slotted under his chin. Sirius threw his arms enthusiastically around the both of them, then Marlene, then Mary, and then Peter. Lily slowly disappeared amidst a jumble of limbs, and when they finally released her there were two spots of color high on her previously ghostly pale cheeks. 

“It’s good to see you all, but I’m pretty knackered.” She managed a small smile.

Marlene snatched Lily’s bag up from where it had fallen to the floor. “Bedtime!” She declared. “Mary and I will come up with you.” 

Lily waved goodbye to the rest of them, and even managed a funny little quirk of her lips in James’s direction that could’ve been taken as a smile, if he squinted.

After a great deal of inner debate James knocked on the dormitory door, softly at first and then firmly, cracking it open at the muffled ‘come in’ that came through the wood.

He stuck his head in to find Lily unpacking her bag. Marlene and Mary froze mid conversation at the sight of his head poking through the door, staring at him from where they were sprawled across their beds. Their other roommate, Dorcas, was looking at him with the most curious mix of revulsion and amazement.

“Hullo.”

She looked at him warily. "Hello.” 

“Gathered up all the notes and assignments you missed.” James said awkwardly, sliding into the room with the bundle of parchment held out in front of him like a peace offering. “Mary said to just let you talk to the professors when you felt ready, but I figured you might just want them right away.” Her eyes widened in surprise. “Was that the wrong choice? Shit, it was. Sorry, I-”

“Thank you.” She blurted out. “I won’t have to track it all down now.”

“Oh!” He smiled, relieved. He handed them over. “You’re welcome. The Charm essay was a bit dodge, I know it comes easier to you but if you need help Remus got top marks on it…” He trailed off, noticing the frown sweeping over her face.

“Why’re you being so nice to me?” Her voice was suspicious. Hurtful, he thought, but ultimately fair.

“What’s wrong with being nice to you?” He said, taken aback.

“You’re never nice to me.”

“That is not true. I’m always nice to you, Evans!” He protested indignantly. 

Lily snorted. “You are a big fat liar James Potter.” 

He glared down at her. “Oi!”

“Well you are.” 

“I might be a prat, but I’m not heartless.” He snapped. Regret immediately welled up. “Sorry. Sorry, Lily I -” He fumbled, eyes wide. A very long and quiet moment passed, but Lily shook her head slowly, the corners of her mouth twitching reluctantly up into a smile.

“No, no, s’okay. I’m sorry too. I know you’re not heartless. As long as you know that you’re a prat.” They smiled tentatively at each other, this newfound peace was the longest that had held between them since they met. Lily took a deep breath.

“So, Potter -” 

“No.” 

She blinked at him, startled. “I...sorry?”

“No. No more ‘Potter’. I thought we’d reached ‘James’ the other night.” She flinched slightly, although she tried to cover it up. He mentally cursed himself for even mentioning it.

“The other night?” Marlene asked. He and Lily both started, he’d forgotten they were even there. 

“Sorry,” he said hastily, “I shouldn’t have -”

“No it’s okay,” Lily said hurriedly, “it’s okay.” The peace was off to a shaky start.

James sighed. “I only meant, I think ‘James’ is good now, yeah?” 

She smiled again, a bit wider this time. “Okay, then no more ‘Evans’.” 

He laughed softly. “Deal.”

“Deal.” She echoed. They looked at each other for another awkward moment before James turned to leave.

“Bye, James.”

“See ya, Lily.” He closed the door gently behind him. As he turned to leave he heard a muffled shriek coming from the room.

“Lily Evans, what was that !” He almost stayed to hear Lily’s reply, but lurking outside the girls’ dormitory was a bit much, even for him. He shoved his hands in his pockets and forced himself down the stairs.

“Oh, leave me alone.” Lily grumbled. Mary and Marlene were having none of it. 

“Lily Evans, did you shag James Potter?”

The response came in the form of a pillow whipped with deadly accuracy at Marlene’s head.