To Ashes

“Lily, if you keep staring at me like that I’ll have no other option than to assume you’ve finally fallen madly in love with me.” 

She ignored that, studying him over the rim of her pumpkin juice. “P-James, how did you manage to get up to the girl’s dormitory last night without the stairs dumping you on your arse?” James froze with a spoonful of porridge halfway to his mouth, feeling his face flush as Sirius and Pete snickered. Remus stared down at his breakfast, ashamed.

“I, uh, I don’t think you want to know.” 

She stared at him, confused, before a grin cracked open across her face.

“I’m just curious about the spellwork, James. I wasn’t going to hang you for sneaking into the girls’ tower.”

“Oh! Yeah, that was cool, I’ll show you.” He eagerly pulled out one of their Charms textbooks to show her the spell they’d modified and improved upon. She scooted closer on the bench and they both bent their heads over the pages. Tendrils of her hair tickled his shoulder as they talked, and James tried very hard to ignore it.

“...so because we built in that precaution at the beginning, the spell doesn’t break any of Hela’s Five Laws.” He snapped the book shut with a flourish. 

“That’s very good.” She admitted. She was about to say more when someone cleared their throat to interrupt. 

They looked up to see their friends all staring at them, with expressions that ranged from amusement, to confusion, to fear, to horror. 

“What?” Lily demanded.

“You’re having a conversation...” Peter said slowly.

“And no one has erupted into screaming yet.” Marlene finished. Lily glared at them.

“Is this not what you lot have been begging for the last five years? Civility?”

“Yeah, but, you know…” Mary trailed off. Lily threw her hands up in exasperation.

“Would you rather I be upset and crying into my porridge this morning instead of discussing Charms theory?” Their friends all hastily shook their heads and apologized, staring contritely down at the food in front of them.

“Is it just me, or do tryouts get worse every year?” James complained, shouldering his broom.

“S’not just you,” Marlene grumbled, “half of the candidates looked like they could barely hang onto their brooms, Merlin forbid they actually try to play the game.” A good amount of said candidates were just ahead of them on the path, heading back into the castle. A few turned around to glare, but she stared them down.

“I’m on the fence about Patel.” 

“She did well during the drills.”

“She did,” he agreed, “she’s a natural.”

“What’s the problem?” They headed through the doors and made sure to walk out of earshot of the other players.

“Well she-” Whatever James had been about to say was cut off by a sharp crack that cut through the busy noises of the castle. The corridor went dead silent as everyone in hearing range came to a sudden halt. Marlene and James whipped around, craning their necks to find the source of the noise.

The first thing James saw was Snape, the second was the bright red hand print splashed across Snape’s cheek. James hoped it would leave a bruise. The third thing he saw was Lily. In all of their many rows he’d never seen Lily so monstrously angry as she was right then, her face flushed and hands clenched into white-knuckled fists. She was near shaking with rage, and before she turned around they heard her say, “If you ever come near me again it’ll be the last thing you do.”

James and Marlene watched Lily stalk away, while Snape stared darkly after her. 

“Right, um I’d better handle that.” Marlene murmured.

“No, I’ll go.” James said suddenly. He knew that if he didn’t, he would go after Snape instead. A younger James would have. His fingers were already twitching towards his wand. 

Marlene looked at him doubtfully. “You will?”

“Yeah, why not?”

“ You will?” She asked again disbelievingly.

“Yep.” James said, and strode off after Lily. For someone so small, she moved impressively fast.

“Lily!” He called ahead. She stopped and turned, and although the look on her face wasn’t promising he jogged to catch up. 

“Hullo.” 

“Hullo.” She answered slowly.

“You alright?” 

“I’m actually pretty close to murder.” Lily said flatly.

“Ah, I know all about that. Let’s go for a walk.” James rubbed his hands briskly and ushered her toward the doors leading outside. 

“A walk?” She asked, bewildered, as he gently propelled her forward. 

“Yeah, we can talk all about who you’d like to do away with.” Lily dug her heels in and they stopped as they reached the grounds.

“James, as much as I appreciate the chumminess, I’m not looking to get lectured.”

He frowned. “Why would I lecture you?” 

She gave him a funny look. “We never talk about Sev. We shout.”

“We do not .” He protested. Lily arched an eyebrow.

                       -fifth year-

“He called you a- a you-know-what , Evans!” James shouted. “He can’t be saved!”

“Why do you care ?” Lily shouted back, arms waving wildly. James didn’t have an acceptable answer for that, not one that wouldn’t get him smacked or hexed or dumped into the lake.

“Why don’t you ?” He roared. For a moment he thought he had her, but her startled look was replaced with fury, and she spun on her heel and stomped off.

                       -present-

“I...okay. Point taken. No lectures and no shouting, I promise.” Lily looked at him warily for a moment before agreeing.

They walked in silence for a long while, ambling around the grounds with no clear destination in mind. 

“Do you want to talk about what he said?”

“Not on your life.”

“Understood.” Another few minutes of silence passed before he continued. “I’m really not trying to start a fight, but…” He trailed off hesitantly. 

She grimaced. “It’s okay. Ask.”

“It’s just, how did you manage to stay his friend for so long?” She sighed. They came to the edge of the lake, where the year before James had mercilessly tormented Snape, and would’ve continued to do so had Lily not intervened. It did not rank among his favorite memories. She sat down in the grass and drew her knees up to her chest. He dropped down beside her and watched her for a long while before she started to speak. 

“I was a really lonely kid.” She started quietly, staring out at the mirror-calm surface of the lake. “Even if they didn’t know exactly what it was, other muggle kids knew I was different. Looking back now, it was all stupid stuff, you know, just them calling me a freak and excluding me from everything. But I was young, so it felt like the whole world was against me. Have I mentioned my sister?”

“Mm, yeah you have, forgot her name though, sorry.” 

She smiled. “S’okay. Petunia is my older sister, she - don’t laugh James.” She glowered at him as he tried desperately to smother his giggles.

“M’sorry, really I’m sorry. Petunia is just a horrid hame.”

“It is not !” She said indignantly.

“It is. It really is.”

“Do you think my name is horrid?” 

He sombered immediately. “No, of course not, why would I think that?”

“It’s also a flower.”

“Her name’s first and only offense is that it’s Petunia, not that it’s a flower. There are so many names your parents could’ve picked.”

“Such as?”

“Well Rose, for one.”

“And?”

“Erm…”

“I’m waiting.”

“Ch-Chrysanthemum?” 

Lily stared at him for a long moment. “Yes, James, you’re right. Chrysanthemum is a much better name than Petunia.” 

“I’m glad we agree.” 

Lily snorted. “Well it fits, anyway. She is horrid.” James’s stomach did a flip as Lily tucked a strand of stray red hair behind her ear. “We used to be so close, we did everything together. Even after my magic showed itself, we still tried to hang on to each other.”

“But that didn’t last?”

“No,” she said softly, “it didn’t. It just became this enormous thing between us, and as my magic grew more and more, so did the distance. She’d rather die than admit it, but she desperately wanted to be a witch. Things between us just became bitter, and strained, and angry. That’s when I met Sev.” James glowered at the use of his nickname, but stayed silent.

“He was the first to tell me that there wasn’t anything wrong with me, that there were so many others like me. When I first got my letter, he spent weeks reassuring me that it wasn’t a mistake. I was so worried I would be behind the others because I was muggleborn. I needed that kindness so badly, and for a lot of years that was enough for me to forgive him for whatever he did.”

“Even…” James trailed off, not sure if she would appreciate the question. 

Lily sighed. “Yeah, even the blood purity stuff. I really thought that his friends were just a bad influence. It had never mattered to him before that I was muggleborn. I thought I could help him.” The easy pattern of her breathing stuttered, and when she turned to look at him, James could see the silvery sheen of unshed tears.

“I really wanted to help him.” She repeated, and James could see how desperately she wanted him to understand. 

“Okay,” he said softly, “okay.” She nodded and, after a moment of what looked like hesitation, leaned her head against his shoulder. He froze. Was an arm around the shoulder too much? He silently struggled with himself for a moment before settling for resting his cheek against the crown of her head. He felt her relax slightly against him. They sat there in each other's silent company for a while, her hair tickling his cheek, watching the lake. The giant squid breached the surface occasionally, stretching its tentacles out like it was trying to feel for the sun.

After a while they quietly got up and headed back to the castle. James was first to break the silence.

“So, what’s your favorite color?”

Lily broke into incredulous laughter. “My favorite color? Why do you ask?” 

James shrugged. “Seems to me like we’re doing things backwards. We’ve done all the big bits of friendship first. Have to go back and catch up on the small things.” He caught a flicker of a smile at the edges of her lips.

“It’s yellow. Are we friends now, James?” He tried not to think too deeply about the fact that she sounded pleased.

“I’m sorry to inform you that we are indeed friends, Ginger.” The smile dropped.

“We’ll have to work on that.”
“Whatever you say, Ginger.” He said cheerfully. 

Sirius didn’t quite know what to do when Lily showed up to their dormitory with puffy red eyes and a spectacular frown. He froze, right in the middle of pulling a jumper over his head. 

Sirius never really knew what to make of Lily. He liked her quite a bit, but the potential for catastrophe was enormous.

“Er, hello Lils.” He quickly tugged the jumper fully over his head. Thank Merlin he already had his trousers on. “Looking for Remus? I think he’s at the library.” Remus was not, in fact, at the library. Rather, he was half-naked behind the drawn curtains of Sirius’s bed. Sirius opted to omit that little detail.

“No, I came to see you.” 

“Me? Looking for a quick evening romp? I’m a bit spent at the moment but I can slot you in for later.” He heard a muffled snort from behind the curtains, but mercifully Lily didn’t seem to notice. 

“Let’s get drunk.” 

Sirius could feel Remus’s disapproval through the bed curtains, but Lily was sad and asking for help. She never asked for help. So Sirius dragged a wooden crate out from under his bed and pulled the lid off. 

“Right,” He started with a sweeping gesture, “what are we drinking to forget tonight? Homework stress? Boy problems?” 

“I got a letter,” she said darkly, “from my sister.” From the way Lily spat the words out like they'd burned her tongue, Sirius knew it was bad. 

“We’ll be needing the strong stuff then. Firewhisky it is.”

Sirius and Lily were waltzing, unsteadily, round and round the common room to a Celestina Warbeck song that James was not particularly fond of. Every few moments one would stumble over the other’s feet, and the both of them would collapse into manic giggles. Their friends watched, equal parts concerned and amused, from the sofas by the fireplace. James set his bookbag down and sank into the sofa between Mary and Marlene. A mostly empty bottle of firewhisky was abandoned on the carpet.  

“Why are Sirius and Lily absolutely piss drunk right now?” 

“Well Sirius is Sirius.” Remus answered dryly. Marlene laughed. “And Lily, well…”

“Lily, uh, got a letter today.” Mary whispered. “From Petunia.”

“That horrid cow.” Marlene muttered. James raised an eyebrow.

“She was blaming Lily for their dad’s death.”

“She what ?” James asked, voice rising. Both girls shushed him quickly. 

“She asked what the point of Lily learning magic was if she couldn't even bother to save their dad's life.” Marlene said darkly.

“But she’s sixteen,” James protested, flabbergasted, “she’s not a healer.”

“Of course not,” Mary said irritably, “but Petunia is an idiot. Do you know this is the first time she's ever bothered to use an owl?" 

The song ended, and with a dramatic, sweeping bow Siris collapsed gratefully into an armchair. James watched as Lily stood, pitching and swaying dangerously. Her breathless smile slid from her face and she suddenly looked very lost and very alone, and something in her eyes made James’s chest ache.  

“Horrid cow.” James echoed. 

“Is the firewhisky gone?” Lily asked. 

Peter picked it up and judged its contents. “There’s probably enough left for a whole shot.” Remus kicked him. “Ow!”

James snatched the bottle from him, clutching it dramatically to his chest. Lily brightened and held her hand out expectantly. 

“I think you’ve had enough for the night, Lily.”  Remus said gently.

Lily laughed. “Piss off, what are you my d-” They all went silent, watching as Lily learned her grief all over again.

“If you come up to bed you can have some of my jelly slugs.” Marlene interjected quickly. Lily ignored her and held her hand out again to James, fixing him with what was probably meant to be a stern look.

“Come on, pretty boy, hand over the bottle and no one gets hurt.” They all smothered their laughter.

“Not a chance.” James laughed.

Lily groaned. “Fine, fine. Jelly slugs it is.” Mary and Marlene sprung up and the three of them went up to bed, with two of them carefully making sure Lily didn’t trip on the steps.

“Why’d you let her drink that much, Padfoot?” Remus asked irritably. 

Sirius shrugged, and shifted on the armchair so that he was sprawled across it. “She was sad, and under my supervision. All fine.”

Remus snorted. “You mean under my supervision.” 

“I’ll settle for our supervision.” 

“Erm,” Peter interjected hesitantly, “Is Prongs okay? He’s got a sort of...funny look on his face. ” They all turned to stare at him.

James beamed at them. “She called me ‘pretty boy’, did you hear that?” They all groaned collectively. 

Sirius stood and stretched lazily. “If you’re done with your preening, Prongs, would you mind handing me that bottle? Hiding the evidence and all that.” 

James tossed it over and, despite his intoxication, Sirius caught it with ease. 

“Show off.” Peter muttered. Sirius clapped a hand to his shoulder, and they started to make their way to the dormitory stairs, Remus on their heels.

“S’not my fault I’m brimming with talent, Pete.” He gestured wildly with the other hand that was clutching the bottle. “ Brimming .” 

James followed them up slowly, a pleased smile still plastered across his face.