Falling
I’m in my bed
Severus’s mind flashed to Lily; her smile, her laugh, her immense beauty. He remembers when they were 12 and laid on his bed while his dad was away, laughing about some silly thing like children do.
And you’re not here
He was angry, and 16, freshly humiliated.
“-mudblood!” he snarled, a dark flush on his cheeks from being hung upside down by those blasted Marauders. Once the words slipped out, Severus immediately regretted it.
Lily’s eyes grew wet, a sight Severus wished he never had to see, and Lily stormed off.
And there’s no one to blame but the drink in my wandering hands
He screamed as he held Lily’s body in his arms, the similar cries of her child in the crib next to him. It was his fault, he was the one who told the Dark Lord about that fucking prophecy! Something broke inside Severus, neither the Dark Lord nor Dumbledore protected her like he had asked, and it was all his fault, Severus wished he never heard that prophecy in Aberforth’s pub.
Forget what I said, it’s not what I meant
“Lily! I’m sorry, I didn’t-”
“Oh so you didn’t mean to call me mudblood several days ago!” Lily shot back at Severus. “If you didn’t mean it, why’d you say it! I thought we were friends Sev, but friends don’t say stuff like that to each other.” Her green eyes watered and tears fell, her voice shook.
And she walked away.
And I can’t take it back, I can’t unpack the baggage you left
The Dark Lord slipped up to Severus, his chocolate brown hair falling slightly into his eyes. “You want me to do what, Severus?”
“Please, My Lord,” Severus said, kneeling with his forehead touching the floor. “Spare Lily, please, I beg you.”
Severus shook slightly under the Dark Lord’s gaze. “You do understand, Severus,” the Dark Lord said coldly. “That this request will have a price.”
“I do, My Lord.”
Smirking patronizingly at Severus, the Dark Lord fired a Crucio at Severus, and his screams filled the study room.
What am I now?
Severus writhed on the floor, he had failed to make a sufficient potion for the Dark Lord.
What am I now?
He watched as the skinny form of Harry Potter walked up to the sorting hat. Severus thought he would never see those eyes again.
What if I’m someone I don’t want around?
“Potter, our new….celebrity.”
It almost hurt him the amount of confusion in Lily’s eyes, no recognition that he would’ve normally seen from Lily. This notion made Severus angry, the Potter spawn didn’t deserve to hold her eyes.
I’m falling again,
Halloween, the anniversary of his best friend’s end.
I’m falling again,
“Crucio!” the Dark Lord sent a spell to a muggle woman, Severus had to occlude or it would be him next.
I’m falling.
Severus saw Nagini arching her neck as she striked at his neck, and he felt her fangs sink into his neck, time and time again.
What if I’m down?
Severus coughed, pain shooting up his arm with the Dark Mark, he was being summoned. The Dark Lord was angry.
What if I’m out?
He winced as Lily pressed a wet cloth on his eyebrow, Potter and Black had ganged up on him and pushed him down the stairs. Severus could almost say that it was worth it for the gentle smile that he received from Lily.
What if I’m someone you won’t talk about?
“What about your old friend Snivellus?” Potter said. Severus was behind a corner, listening to them, and he heard Lily make unsure noises.
“It doesn’t matter, let’s just go to the library.” She said, changing the subject, and Severus could hear her drag the stumbling Potter away.
I’m falling again,
Severus sent a potion bottle to the wall, he was such an idiot, he never should have believed Lucius about the Dark Lord, it was a mistake.
I’m falling again,
“Clear your mind, Potter!” Severus snarled at the boy.
Lily’s eyes grew angry, and Potter repelled the legilimens spell, revealing the memory of being hung upside down. Severus shoved the insolent boy out.
I’m falling.
He coughed as blood from his neck started choking him. That damn snake really knew where to bite someone in the best places to kill them.
You said you care
“You’re such a good friend Sev!” 10 year old Lily giggled. “Let’s promise to stay friends forever, ok?”
Severus smiled. “Ok, I promise.”
And you missed me too
“I wish I knew my mother,” Potter spawn said, with Severus eavesdropping into the conversation in the dining hall. “I always hear things about my father, but never my mother.”
Severus’s eyebrows furrow, why would no one ever tell him about his mother? Perhaps, an anonymous letter should be sent, even though he was a brat, he deserved to know.
And I’m well aware that I write too many songs about you
12 year old Severus smiled in his room, writing in his journal, definitely not a diary, about his day with Lily. Just about every entry had her, especially during school times.
And the coffee’s out
He stood in the blown up house that was Lily’s, panic and fear shooting through every nerve. She can’t be dead, both the Dark Lord and Dumbledore said they would protect her!
At the Beachwood Cafe
The younger Potter sat, laughing with his friends about something, butterbeer froth on their lips. A painful nostalgia filled Severus’s heart, seeing Lily’s eyes light up with the glee he used to see as a teenager. Severus slipped out right after he entered, no one but Harry having seen him.
And it kills me ‘cause I know we’ve run out of things we can say
Lily lay on the soft grass, right next to Severus, a companionable silence between them as they looked at the starry sky.
What am I now?
Lucious smirked as Severus accepted to join a Death Eater meeting, turns out offering acceptance to the poor half-breed would do the trick so nicely.
What am I now?
A pang of regret goes through Severus as he sees the Potter spawn get burned by his godson’s own cruelty of slipping something into Potter’s cauldron, but it was gone as quick as it came.
What if I’m some I don’t want around?
Severus felt sick as he heard the muggles screams of pain that he was causing. Ever since he went to Dumbledore, torturing someone has made him sick, he thought he got used to it, but now he has to fight to keep his face clear.
I’m falling again,
He slid down the glass, leaving a trail of blood on it.
I’m falling again,
The fuzzy presence of complete occluding filled his head as he screamed on the ground from the Dark Lord’s crucio and legilimization of his mind, he had to keep him out, especially with the new amount of secrets he had.
I’m falling.
“Professor!” Potter cried out softly, trying to stop the bleeding at his neck. He truly wasn’t what Severus thought him to be.
What if I’m down?
“Are you ok Severus?” Lily asked, hand held out to help him up after he had tripped, the sun behind her only highlighting her beauty, and Severus’s heart sped up, why was his heart doing that?
What if I’m out?
Severus’s head snapped back from the force of his father’s hand. “Stupid freak boy! What have I told you about using your fucking magic!” His father yelled drunkenly.
Young Severus stayed on the ground, eyes riveted on his father so he could prepare to protect himself should his father start hitting again.
What if I’m someone you won’t talk about?
“C’mon mate,” Weasly said to Potter while they brewed. “What did your blasted relatives really do to you during the summer?”
“Nothing,” Potter snapped. “Just drop it, we have to avoid getting detention again.”
Severus’s eyes narrowed at Potter from his dark corner, he could only just barely see a black eyes under what looked like a layer of make-up.
I’m falling again,
A growl came from behind him, leading to Severus turning around slowly. His eyes widen and his jaw drops, Lupin was a fucking werewolf.
I’m falling again,
He saw Lily walking through the hallways, her hand snugly in Potter’s hand.
I’m falling.
Severus’s tongue stuck out, this was a very important potion that Slughorn was having them do. An arm struck his side sharply, causing him to stumble and his cauldron moved, and fell. The boiling potion spilled onto his arm, searing through his uniform.
And I get the feeling that you’ll never need me again
His owl dropped the Daily Prophet in front of him, showcasing a large picture on the front of Lily and James. They had gotten married.
Tears pricked at the corners of Severus’s eyes, but he buried them deep into his mind, not letting them fall. “Blast it all.” He choked out, it was all that damn Potter’s fault.
What am I now?
Severus scrambled over to Draco’s bleeding body on the bathroom floor. He stared at Potter, looking him in the eyes, seeing guilt and panic, something that never would have been in Potter Sr.’s eyes.
What am I now?
“I am the Half-Blood Prince.” Severus said, melancholy only to his ears.
What if you’re someone I just want around?
The gravestone for Lily seemed to stare back at him, it was a tradition to come back here once every summer. Severus wished he could hold her in his arms one more time and apologize.
What if I’m down?
Dumbledore fell back over the railing, falling to his death. It was all part of the plan, his only regret was that Potter had to witness it. It felt like Lily herself was watching through his eyes.
What if I’m out?
“Take it.” Severus gurgled out to Potter, tears containing his memories leaking out, and he stared pleadingly at him. Lily’s eyes stared back at him, showing the same pain he had seen all those years ago when he made his fatal mistake with Lily that day by the tree.
What if I’m someone you won’t talk about?
“Slimy git.” Potter muttered as he walked past Severus in the halls. Severus couldn’t help but think he deserved it, if only to atone for what he had done to Lily.
I’m falling again,
Severus watched as Potter yelled at him in the dining hall, looking dirty and worn out, his beige jacket smeared with dirt and some blood. The anger in his eyes, in Lily’s eyes, speared Severus’s soul.
I’m falling again,
He walked away from the burning house, body numb. Why was he walking away, he was leaving her child, Lily’s child, in there. Why could he not turn back to get her child. But he kept walking.
I’m falling.
Blood filled his lungs more and his vision was going black, and looked at Potter, Potter’s image flickering between him and Lily. Why was it just now that he saw the subtle red highlights in his hair, the small freckles on his cheeks that Lily had, the slight figure that Lily had, all down to the emerald green eyes that had the same flecks of gold in them.
Severus opened his mouth to say something, anything. Maybe an apology, about his regrets, his wishes, just something.
“You have your mother’s eyes.” He choked out.
He could see the small tears in Li-no, Harry’s eyes, a faint smile on his face filled with pain, yet also understanding.
Severus closed his eyes, falling into the soft blackness, knowing that he couldn’t atone for anything he had done, he didn’t deserve this child’s kindness, but he had received it anyways, because he had been wrong. Harry wasn’t Lily, and he wasn’t his father, he was just Harry. With that, Severus succumbed to the mansions of rest.