far from home - sirius
“this is just a lot better than before” he sighed out his words.
they were both snuggled close to each other in her bed, it was late now, long past midnight, yet the lingering thoughts from the past evening kept them awake.
“yea?” she asked, quietly, almost at a whisper, not wanting to disturb the peace they had.
“yea..” he answered, face blank and not allowing her to decipher the meaning to his words, but the look etched on his face told her that he wasn’t all but content, his mind was running wild, as usual.
“but …” she continued, knowing she needed to push this conversation further slightly so he could open up his thoughts to her.
“but- i just feel so far from home, i know it was horrid there. Nothing was good, but now everything is good, and it’s just a lot, ‘s different.” He muttered out, words falling together at different paces, like his head wasn’t fully in tact with his mouth
“good different?” she asked again, knowing her answer, but still trying to understand.
“of course good different, i just-” he cut himself off with a heavy sigh and down turned eyes, probably from the heavy lack of sleep … also from a whole lot more.
he continued after a moment, “I’ve had this during school y’know, you and the lads all there. ‘s nice, at school. Like a holiday away from home, even though i’d say Hogwarts is more of a home than back at that other hell hole.” He let out a breath of strangled air, voice strained “But after those 6 months of school … of the good, that feeling of being free, and to be with you … the break is over, and i go back there. It just feels odd, not having that difference of where I am now. That sounds really stupid-” He rambled out his words quickly and with emphasis, not really letting her take everything in at the right pace, but yet she did, she listened to everything he was saying.
She tightened her arms around him, grounding him, reminding him where he was. He stopped, and let his breathing settle, in return tightening his arms around her frame and pulling her impossibly closer. Her face still buried in his chest, pulling away slightly to speak.
“Not at all. I get it, I mean it’s even weird for Jamie and I to come back here after months and months away, we’ve talked about that, me and him. Even though we couldn’t be more grateful to have the family we have here, it still takes a bit to get used to the changes all again. To adjust, again. I can’t imagine what you’re feeling.”
“I am just so glad I am with you, that I have you, here with me. You are my home, you’re everything. But I-I just-” He releases a heavy grunt filled with suppressed anger and frustration, rubbing his face with his hands. “I also feel so far from home” he repeated with an underlying irritation, not being able to fully express just what he was feeling. Because, he didn’t even know.