3
Tina looks at the lake that reflected the warm lights of the city, she had always loved London, she was born here, she had memories of her family, the city was perfect for work, elegant, full of tourism but with a charm superior to LA.
When she moved she felt like she had made too big a leap, in the end she had left her family's studio, her home, her father and her mother who was already sick. She had never forgiven herself for this. Emily had fallen ill with cancer when Tina had already started a relationship with Bette, the brunette had been really close to her, even if she hadn't revealed their relationship to Tom, Emily knew about it. When Tina flew to LA from one day to the next with a broken heart her mother was already very frail, Tina returned a couple of months later to visit her and to be with her while her new business in LA took hold and in the end her mother died a few days later with her there at least. For this Tina had always thanked her, not having died while she was gone.
Bette had gone to the funeral of course, Tom had been made aware of their story just when Tina left for another country, at that point his daughter had to give in and talk to him and beg him not to send Bette away from work. It would be Tina who would leave, forever...or at least that's what she thought.
On the day of the funeral Bette and Tina had looked at each other several times, then in conclusion Bette had approached her giving her condolences in a formal way without hugging or shaking hands, she knew that Tina would not have appreciated them and neither would Tom at that moment, so then she told Tina that they could meet for a coffee, but only two days later Bette learned from Alice that Tina had returned to LA and would stay there. Everything concerning Tina, Bette had learned through hallway gossip, nothing more.
Tina had imagined many times how Bette would feel when she heard about Tina's marriage, about her successes, she had thought about it a lot.
Too much in fact.
Shoes scraped on the gravel of the park, startling Tina, who spun on the spot, gripping the railing behind her now, and was grateful for it. In front of her was Bette, those dark eyes, even in the dark they stood out without too much trouble, her coat, her impeccable and voluminous hair. Tina's breath caught. There was a long moment in which they both remained silent, looking at each other, as if it were difficult to recognize each other or as if it were impossible to have forgotten each other.
Bette wondered why she was there, the reason for that meeting after years of silence, of total absence, visual, physical, spiritual. Two years before Bette's sister Kit had died, and Tina had not made herself heard, she had not sent a letter, nor a message through Alice, Helena, anyone. This had hurt Bette, but in part she deserved it.
That distance between them now seemed very right, for both of them. Tina swallowed hard, finally ready to open a small door, after all it was she who had called Bette at that hour, after all those years.
"How long have you been here?"
Bette closed her eyes, lowering her gaze so as not to be seen by Tina, there was a moment of surrender at the sound of the blonde's voice, Bette remembered it well, Tina's voice was something unforgettable, and yet she had tried over the years to remember its tone, its innate sensuality, its sweetness. Bette wanted to hide those emotions from Tina, it would have been inappropriate.
"just a few seconds."
The brunette finally answered, continuing to look at the ground for a little while, until she took a few steps forward, staring at the lake in front of her and leaning on the railing at a distance from the blonde who followed her with her gaze.
"I certainly wasn't expecting this message."
Tina looked at that beautiful profile, she had seen it a thousand times in bed, while they were lying down and yet she almost didn't remember moments like that anymore. Bette caught her looking at her and Tina quickly looked away.
"So what are we doing here? Or should I say... welcome back?"
"You're not in a position to be funny." Tina said dryly
"well you called me, I think I've been punished enough by you already."
"punished? Are you serious?"
"Yes!"
Tina laughed bitterly resting her elbows on the railing lowering her head beside her and her hands before suddenly getting up to fix her unruly blonde hair.
"I don't want to go back to the past..."
"Then why are we here?"
Tina closed her mouth, then pushed herself up with her hands and took a few steps away and then thought better of it
"You know what? I don't know why we're here either...maybe I wanted a civil conversation before becoming colleagues."
The blonde stood there with her hands at her sides slightly open, both gloves in one hand, her cheeks red from the cold.
Bette remained composed as always, like the last time they had argued, even there she had remained perfectly shocked, even while she was begging she was perfect.
"Colleagues." Bette repeated the word in her mind over and over again. She could still hear Tina's moans in her ears as they made love and now she had to consider her a colleague. Tina waited in silence, her hands on her hips, her gaze questioning, Bette just stared at her, again.
"When did you get back?" Tina's eyes widened.
"This afternoon."
"You got everything sorted out, legally, anyway..."
"Are you worrying about my wedding?"
"I just want you to be okay!"
"You should have cared a long time ago."
This was a punch in the gut, a low blow.
Bette snorted, smiling, it was typical of Tina, sweet, but with the temper of a tiger often, she managed to disarm Bette without much effort.
"Was he a fucking asshole?"
"Do you really think I called you to talk badly about my ex! God...you're absurd like years ago."
"I didn't even know you were married, I found out two weeks later"
"it wasn't any of your business for a while"
Bette looked down still leaning on the railing, looked at her shoes, thought for a moment about what she was going to do before Tina sent her a text and suddenly it seemed like the blonde read her.
"What are we doing here?"
"You were going on a date right?"
They said almost together.
"What are we doing Tina?"
Bette insisted this time, lightly banging her hands on the railing and moving forward.
"You were on a date...when you come home at night you wear casual, I know you..."
"You knew me..."
"Isn't that the case anymore?"
Tina challenged her, even though she wasn't very amused by the game, she was actually hurting her, she didn't expect so much honesty and still so much anger and hurt from her and Bette. Tina had been married, Bette had moved on, and yet here they were again.
Bette stared at her, scrutinizing the small movements of her face. For her, Tina would always be a creature to be cuddled, kept out of harm's way, even if now, after years, she saw her as the alpha woman she had always expected, the woman who had stolen her heart and locked it away, forever.
"I was on a date... almost over actually."
Bette said it with a cocky little smile, enough to make Tina understand the right thing.
The blonde laughed almost wordlessly, without anything else to add, her face almost seemed disgusted.
"you're always the same, you see."
"What right do you have to come here and say that, we haven't seen each other in six fucking years!"
Now Bette had regained her natural grit, she didn't want to feel like a lamb, not that night.
"Well they say you change women like handbags"
"bullshit."
"Oh yeah?"
Bette put her hands on her hips after throwing her hair back.
"Even if it was, do you care?"
"not about you anymore. I'm here to tell you this...we'll work together, my father and you care about your work more than your own souls...I don't want to get you in trouble...so we'll watch each other from afar and that's it. Let's stick to work. I'm not supposed to be your friend and neither are you, don't expect me to talk to you about my divorce, my past life or anything else...you know nothing."
"neither do you about my past...and yet you're here spouting shit."
Tina thought about it, and then struck without any more doubts.
"It's enough for me to know that you are a heartless traitor Bette."
The words spat like flames and burned Bette's soul who could not hide her disappointment, her internal killing. Taking all that back, it wasn't right, it was a real trip.
The women ate each other with their eyes, there were sparks of remorse and regret, unexpressed pain. In the end the brunette gave in, her heart was in pieces and she didn't want to show Tina what she felt, she had never done it and she wouldn't start at that moment, in that circumstance, in that park. Bette put her bag back on her shoulder with a gentle gesture and walked past Tina, passing her like a fury until she heard the blonde's voice.
"Wait...."
Tina didn't have time to say Bette's name that the brunette was almost a few inches from her face with her gaze overflowing with pain and fury at the same time.
"You know what? I'm not going to stand here and listen to you list all the fucking mistakes I've made because life has taken care of showing them to me and nothing...nothing stops Bette Porter! You, your perfect life, your perfect fucking ex-husband...what do you want Tina, be clear!"
Tina took a few steps back, holding her breath for a second, her gaze fixed on those brown eyes, she didn't remember him differently, she remembered them like this by default, perfect. But beyond those perfect eyes, Tina also remembered all the imperfections, all that armor, all that little love shown, that betrayal. She couldn't forget it, not like this, even though she had run away to the other side of the world.
"what will we do? we are on the same page...i will never forgive you for the betrayal..."
"and i will never forgive you for disappearing in two days...without even giving us a chance."
Now Bette's voice almost seemed softer, tina closed her eyes at the sound but then she was determined.
"a chance at what? if you didn't even love me." Tina said it almost inaudibly, ashamed, not feeling up to it again.
It was painful, Bette remained watching her, her mouth half open, speechless, that was all she had shown, not loving Tina.
Bette understood, everything had been wrong in her life, in her choice, in her betrayal.
She would have liked to explain it to Tina but maybe after years, the blonde was no longer interested, maybe Bette should have run when it was still time, not now, not when Tina had married a man reaffirming her straight side.
Without even realizing it Tina passed her this time with no intention of stopping "you didn't even love me, damn!" she said determined and Bette felt her running fast to her.
Bette found herself there alone, a few cold birds staring at her from the branches of the trees, her breath short, broken by the situation, this was not what she wanted, she knew that seeing Tina again would be hard, but not like this. She put her hands in her pockets waiting for a while, lulled by the peaceful silence, by the night view of London that she enjoyed so much from the window of her apartment. The phone vibrated and she quickly took it almost as a professional deformation. It was Shaila, she was writing that if she was finished with work, she was still waiting for her. Bette closed the screen and threw the iPhone in her bag, nonchalantly, she didn't care, even if she could have gone, screwed that woman and forgotten the events of the evening with some good sex without entanglements.
For a moment she thought about it, but then... who was she kidding?
She would think about Tina.
At least until the next morning.
"What do you think then?"
Helena was drinking her double espresso as they took a taxi to their next appointment.
"I like it, I think I'll take it, it's full of light, central and has that terrace that I love, I love penthouses more than gardens, you know."
"Well then we'll skip the next one, it has a huge garden."
"No I want to see it now."
The two were getting into a taxi when Helena got a call from the office.
"Oh Bette tell me..."
Tina grimaced as Helena tried to kick her sideways in the shin.
"No I'm out and about at the moment..."
Tina couldn't hear the voice on the other end of the phone very well
"Oh sure yeah, well it's a big mess damn...no no...ok we'll sort it out give me half an hour."
Helena hung up, huffing and covering her eyes with her hands.
"Your father, he's exhausting me you know...he and Bette they are..."
"the same." Tina concluded "anyway, calm down, go back to the office or you'll make the big tiger angry."
"The Fosters case has been destroying us for months...your father entrusted us with the case, but Bette needed a good wingman, so in the end I ended up in the middle of all this."
"It's paradoxical how she's good at reuniting couples while she's never fought for her life."
Tina said sarcastically. Helena turned around and stared at her, after telling the taxi driver that she would stop two blocks ahead, Tina was staring out the window. Helena knew that the subject of Tina and Bette had always been delicate, she had taken her friend for this, taking her miles away.
"You would never have forgiven her..." Helena said slowly and carefully "you know it too..."
Tina sighed, she had asked herself that question very often.
"maybe...or maybe yes...I don't know...I loved her so deeply, I don't think I even loved Eric that strongly. Maybe I would have forgiven her if only...if only she loved me."
"I think she loved you Tina..."
"those who love don't cheat."
The taxi stopped and Helena had arrived at the office, before getting out and paying the fare she turned back to her friend.
"it's not always like this...get the house with the terrace"
Tina smiled while Helena quickly jumped into the large glass building. Maybe she was right, things weren't always black or white, they could also be gray.
However, Tina's thoughts for the next five days were filled with papers to sign, furniture to buy and a company to fix something in the apartment to make improvements. Tina loved that house, it was perfect, not big, not small, a terrace to enjoy the summer evenings, the warm mornings with the sun, the snow, everything. And then she was happy not to stay too long at her father's house.
Thanks to Helena's help, she had already brought her things inside the house, only a few small things were missing that Tina would have rearranged once she was already inside, a few walls to repaint, a small wall to fix, a few plants to put on the terrace, and then choose the curtains, the carpets, pots... practical things.
For a while Tina would eat take-out, she would be satisfied enough to wait for the first free weekend to buy some suitable kitchen utensils.
In the meantime, she thought that the day of her return to work had arrived, and perhaps, her life would be back in tune with itself, she loved her job and she had missed it during the whole divorce period.
She needed to feel herself again, capable and able.
That morning she had stopped at a very nice café on the way to the office, choosing to walk since there was no threat of rain. Tina remembered that café, it was always not crowded in the morning, it wasn't one of those snobby London cafés, but more affordable, so Tina liked it for its simplicity. She tapped the counter with her fingers as she waited for her latte macchiato to go and one for Helena, she knew her father drank his usual home-made coffee. Suddenly someone patted her on the shoulder gently drawing attention to themselves.
"So it's true..."
"Hi Shane..."
Shane was a dear friend of Bette's, the two of them were always together besides Alice, they had been friends for over ten years, they had been through a lot together even the loss of Alice's girlfriend, and the death of Kit obviously.
"Welcome back blonde..."
"thanks..."
Shane ordered his coffee, she was a lively girl, a few years younger than Bette, perhaps closer to Tina, with masculine and decisive features, Shane conquered anyone in the lesbian world.
"When did you get back? Last week right? You were the reason Bette gave up on that sex bomb..."
Shane had no filters, Bette loved her precisely because she always spoke the truth and what she thought. Tina cleared her throat, some coffee had gone down the wrong way, as she wiped herself with a black bar napkin and looked at her white shirt to make sure it wasn't stained.
"God is the truth?" Shane laughed
"hell no, I didn't know she was on a date...I came back and wanted to set the record straight."
Shane narrowed her eyes
"I'm sure your friend will catch up..."
"oh she already did, don't worry."
Tina spat out some of her milk "ok ok stop. I don't care"
The blonde grabbed her to-go bag and rushed out leaving a ten dollar bill on the counter, but the brunette was quick enough and was soon at Tina's sidewalk.
"Hey Tina wait, we've always had a good relationship I think..."
Tina turned around, then continued, "Actually, yes...but I don't think we're going to be friends now, Shane...just when Bette and I have decided to ignore each other."
"you won't..."
"yes we will..."
"you can't run away."
Tina turned around annoyed, facing "what do you want Shane?"
"Nothing Tina...we met by chance...I didn't follow you. I just always thought all these years that you would go back on your steps..."
"why?"
Shane smiled "well, because you were made to be together and Bette hasn't seriously gotten involved anymore."
Tina laughed out loud "that doesn't mean she didn't have fun Tina, Bette really gives it her all...and I know you don't want to hear it but...sex is different from love!"
Tina regained her composure, turned and looked at the road.
"Shane she didn't even love me..."
"yes she did!"
"Well she never confessed it to me!"
Shane sighed, she had also talked about this with Bette, her friend had made a mistake "she's rigid Tina...with her feelings she's like that! She grew up this way unfortunately."
"That's not an excuse and you know it...you know what she did..."
"yes, she cheated on you ok? but she loved you, very much..."
"she cheated on me after I confessed my feelings to her you know? from that day on she distanced herself from me more and more and then she took that carpenter to bed...for a week straight, Shane! Do you know how I felt? like nothing."
Shane looked at her with a genuine look "you're right...but don't you regret anything Tina? Did you do everything the right way...even running away only three days later without leaving any chance to make amends?"
Tina thought about it, this was true, she had always known it, but the more the days passed the more she thought she wouldn't have enough courage to go back and forgive. Helena had also given it to her, but she had ignored everything, Bette's messages, calls, every little thing.
She wanted to erase Bette from every trace.
"I needed to forget..."
"you weren't even there for Kit...she was there for your mother..."
Tina stiffened at that point, no one knew the truth except her and Bette, so she didn't have to give many explanations to Shane or anyone.
"I have to go, really..."
"Tina..." Shane blocked Tina by the shoulder for a second "just give her a chance to show you how she is... she's changed, sometimes it's hard...but she's very sorry...after Kit's death she seems to have gotten worse at times...I...I'm happy you're here."
Tina gave a friendly, almost melancholic smile.
"I don't think there's anything I can do... it was nice to see you again, Shane..."
"Me too..."
Tina left quickly, her coffee now almost cold.