2
"Take over my share and take all the best" These were Tina's words a month earlier to her right shoulder Celine, a woman like her, strong, tenacious, Tina would never have allowed anyone else to take her place, it was just Celine. A special relationship had been established between them, as friends, accomplices, even if Tina had never told her true story, except her divorce from Eric. Celine had understood and the entire LA law firm, even if losing Tina Kennard meant a lot to that firm after four years of collaboration at high levels, but for Tina her life and her well-being were worth more.
A company had emptied the entire part of her home with Eric, Tina had wanted a divorce quickly, without too many ceremonies, she and Eric had not gotten along for a long time now, she was unhappy in that conventional cage that society loved so much, but she was not, at least not like him. Tina had lost that cheerful, serene, carefree part, she had started working to not think, to come home late at night, this was something she had always hated. She had been devoted, faithful to her husband, as she always wanted to do for a person she truly loved. Then thinking back to her past, she understood that at a certain point the time had come to stop everything, to take a little happiness that that marriage had extinguished, due to events, misunderstandings and other things. Eric was not the number one man in the world, but not the worst either, but he was not the man for Tina and she was aware that she did not really know if she wanted a man by her side. At first she had loved him, or at least she thought, but the truth was...
"don't think about it" she told herself.
That name alone made her feel sick to her stomach, nauseous, disoriented, it was all so damn strange. She was going back to where that name would be. Tina had boarded the plane that would take her to London late at night, she would start working in her father's studio no earlier than next week, she needed to find a small apartment, she would rely on a studio apartment of Tom's that was now vacant, but then Tina would immediately take care of herself like in the past few years, she had money, and she had also given the house to Eric for a fair and high sum. She was browsing through apartments in the center of London on her iPad, when those thoughts began to creep in, she felt like a partial failure, marriage was not something she had taken refuge in, she had believed in it, and then after two years here we are.
Single.
But a part of her thought that even with Eric she felt alone sometimes, she didn't feel appreciated and desired especially after what Tina had been through ten months before, maybe that had been their final break, of trust, of feelings.
Her miscarriage.
Tina had cut off all relationships after Eric had denied her, blamed her for what he had done, he had become rude, mean, Tina couldn't stand it any longer since the feeling had now diminished.
Forcing herself not to think about it anymore, Tina continued to browse apartments for the rest of the flight hours, without resting much, she would think about it in the evening. When she landed she obviously headed towards the exit to wait for the cars that would come to pick her up, as agreed by her father even if Tina would have appreciated an informal taxi. When the big SUV approached Tina was no longer so sorry that someone had come to pick her up, especially if that someone was her friend.
"Hey stranger!"
Helena got out of the car to hug Tina tightly, it had been years since they had both seen each other in person, since they had both visited Madrid to take a break from work.
"Hello to you!" Tina hugged her tightly smiling "God it's nice to hear your voice from so close and not from a phone!"
Helena laughed, pulling her face back and taking the blonde's in her hands, pushing her windblown hair aside to get a better look at her.
"I'm so happy you're back here..."
the brunette whispered, smiling, a mix of emotion in her voice that Tina reflected in her eyes.
"I really needed this too."
The two smiled and then Helena finally released Tina from her embrace to grab one of the three large suitcases Tina had brought with her.
"Wow, you travel light, huh?" Helena joked
"and I didn't bring the rest, that bastard... I left him everything, I would buy every damn thing again just to have nothing to do with him."
Helena knew that Tina was not inclined to talk about her divorce, she had been close to her even if physically distant, step after step, and Helena had been the only one in the office to know about Tom's daughter's divorce.
When they left they talked about this and that for a while, the airport was about half an hour from the center, traffic permitting. Then Tina knew she had to ask her friend that question and Helena was already prepared for that conversation.
"What do they know in the office? I mean...about my return"
"Nothing strange, you're the boss's daughter..it's normal that you work in the family firm..."
"Not if you have your own firm almost in LA."
Helena sighed as she turned the SUV to the right "they won't say anything, they're used to divorces and breakups"
"so they know I'm divorced."
"No...hnm...I think it's just her."
Tina looked up at Helena, staring at her as if she could pierce her.
"Your father spoke to her, they saw each other during the week for lunch.."
"Perfect! I told both of them not to do it, I'd think about it as soon as I got back...or anyway...when the opportunity to bump into each other in the firm arises."
"Tina, stop it..you know very well that you and Bette certainly can't avoid each other."
"Yes in a 4-story studio absolutely, we are more than 30 employees."
Helena stopped at the red, turning to face Tina.
"Oh and let me get this straight...you and her would have had a hot tea, talking about your divorce, your problems with your ex-husband and trust, your life mistakes? Like two real friends?"
She was obviously sarcastic, Tina had understood it and didn't even stop at the first sentence, looking away from her friend.
The car started moving again and a silence fell until Helena decided to speak again in a sweeter and more true tone this time.
"Bette was your first love...and probably something will always tie you together...It will be difficult for you to collaborate so easily...given your previous rather heated arguments...it is difficult for her too. Alice found her tired."
"It was no longer enough for her. End of discussion."
Helena remained silent
"rather why did you come? I thought Alice was coming...she is my father's assistant."
"oh you wouldn't have stood her we know." Helena laughed loudly
"no it's true. She defends Bette in everything and for everything."
"she is her friend...as I am with you."
"yes."
Finally they arrived at the building where Tom Kennard had been living for over fifteen years now, Tina and Helena unloaded their bags and as soon as they reached the sidewalk a delivery boy ran to the car he knew well to get ready to help the woman he knew as the daughter of one of the most powerful men in the country.
"Thank you.. " Tina said kindly to the young man "Well" She turned to Helena "thanks for the ride...now you surely know that you will have to see a series of apartments with me"
Tina giggled covering herself with her gray coat, a cold wind was blowing in the street.
"Yes when your father gives me some freedom."
"Oh God..he is obsessed with work, that scares me."
"A lot, that's why he and Bette get along."
"Yeah. He also lost my mother a long time ago due to too much work...anyway..on Thursday I have an appointment for a loft, if you are free will you come?"
"absolutely...Good night, my friend"
Tina hugged Helena before entering the large building where the delivery boy had already sent the large suitcases to the room.
As soon as she went up she smelled that familiar smell of home, it was nice, almost touching after years to return there, in truth she had missed it, their house in LA was cold, little lived in, always empty and full of pain. There instead Tina had lived her mother happily, until the end of her illness at least. When she arrived at the door her father was waiting for her on the threshold, his mustache precise as always, now more white than black, he was smiling at her.
Tina smiled back approaching "well your little one is back!"
She said abandoning herself to her father's embrace, Tina was always very affectionate, something that had really struck Bette, this had been the big problem between them initially, Bette had not been used to a life of cuddles and hugs, she was rather cold in relationships, but only apparently. Tina knew it well that's why she had managed to love her.
"Welcome home..." Tom said "I was waiting for you for dinner, if you're hungry, you probably haven't eaten."
"No I'm starving..."
"Good because Patricia made salmon for both of us."
Tina put her bags in the room that used to be hers, everything about her was strange, a part of her couldn't wait to have her freedom again, independence, she wanted a house of her own, she was an adult now. She and her father ate talking about cases, Tom was a volcano in full flow, he had won the best cases in the study and he was excited that finally his daughter could take part in it too.
Tom also talked about how proud he was of his daughter, always following the movements of her LA firm and he had always been proud of the battles Tina had fought as a lawyer.
When dinner was over, Tina's head was spinning as she waited for her coffee, she was tapping her index finger on the table nervously, she knew she had to do something or she would explode.
"Dad I'll be out in half an hour..." Tom looked up and then back down at the ceramic cup
"you're a grown up."
"Yes I know, but you know this is your house.."
"It's also Tina's house..."
"Not anymore, I hope to find my own soon.."
Tina said it dreamily, but she knew her father was upset that she didn't want to stay with him at first, not even for a while.
"Dad...it's just because I've been out of the house for so long now...I'm used to my independence."
"Of course I know..." Tom smiled.
Tina drank her coffee in silence.
"I hope that woman has nothing to do with it.."
Tom said, almost muttering to himself, making Tina slightly upset, knowing that her father had not kept his promise.
"Which woman? The one you had lunch with this week?"
Tom looked up and then stood up to reach the bottle of alcohol, he poured himself some aged whiskey, under his daughter's observation.
"I told you to stay out of it, dad..."
"Well, I didn't say anything strange or personal..just that you would be back."
"And that I'm divorced."
Tom turned to face her. "It would have been obvious, don't you think? Since you don't even wear your wedding ring anymore... she's a lawyer, she would have understood from afar!"
Damn, its was right, everyone would have figured it out anyway, not just Bette Porter and well Tina didn't care frankly, everyone was getting divorced these days.
Tina decided to avoid this discussion today knowing how she thought of her father Bette, it was Tina's fault if her father felt hurt and disappointed by Bette Porter, the brightest star he knew. Tina's father had fought to make a contract to Bette, even though initially everyone said that to be her father's sidekick would need a man, important, eccentric, unscrupulous.
Yet he had chosen Bette and Tina knew he had no regrets, he never could, Bette had given her life for her profession. Suddenly Tina realized that she had made all these arguments without facing her father who was still sipping his glass and watching her.
"The fact remains that I am an adult, Dad... I can do it on my own, like back then, it wasn't the age difference that made me weak, it was the love I felt for her."
Tom sighed heavily leaving the crystal glass on the table, Patricia would put it back later.
"Do as you want, but I warned her too, don't make me have a choice... because she will be eliminated even though she is the best in the country."
Tina crossed her arms over her chest
"I've been done with her for years, Dad."
"Well that's what I hope."
Tom approached the table again, placing a hand on his daughter's shoulder
"then have a good evening darling... take the extra key from the drawer at the entrance."
Tom kissed his daughter on the forehead and then went upstairs ready to go to sleep, leaving Tina alone for another five minutes staring into the flames of the fireplace, trying to figure out whether or not it was right to take that step she wanted to take so much, maybe she was wrong or maybe...
She took the phone and typed that quick message, without even knowing if it was still her number, it had to be.
Bette was there praising dirty phrases in the earlobe of that new girl, Shaila, a thirty-five year old who had been working at that fancy place for two months now, Bette had resisted the advances of the woman who had shamelessly wanted Bette since day one. Finally they were on the point, Shane had invited Bette to pick up the food for all of them with the sole excuse that he had inquired about the woman's schedule, and that evening she would have the evening off.
So Bette had shown up in a black suit, disarming as always to pick up the food and one thing led to another, they had found themselves in the anteroom of the place with Shaila's leg hooked around Bette's back who was about to take her right there, if it weren't for her class.
"I won't make you come to your place of work... take your stuff and let's go."
Bette whispered between a little kiss that was stolen from her by the younger woman, Bette did not like to kiss or rather, she did not kiss a person she met for the first time, the kiss for her was more intimate than sex, it was giving that part of herself.
This does not mean that she did not kiss anyone, but every now and then she limited herself to having sex without too many preambles or tenderness.
“Okay,”
Shaila slipped off Bette’s radar and into a small dressing room right after her bath, by which time Bette was back at the table as she buttoned up her white shirt and retrieved her bag with her jacket from the cloakroom, settling the bill for the dinner she was sending to Shane’s house.
Just as Bette was putting her credit card back in her purse her phone vibrated, corresponding to Shaila who was approaching with her coat.
Bette stood there looking at the screen, she couldn't really believe it, her throat felt dry, her heart racing, she was almost in a panic, but she knew she had to control herself around people.
The number was unknown, not added to Bette's library, but even if the message hadn't been signed, she would have understood it, perceived it, that way of writing, putting commas, that polite and sweet way as always, was Tina's.
Bette closed her eyes for a moment asking for the phone and holding it tightly in her hands.
"Let's go... are you okay?"
Shaila noticed the brunette's moment of discomfort and moved a hand on her shoulder that almost woke Bette up.
"You know what..." Bette tried to speak with difficulty "they called me I had an unexpected mileage I'm sorry.."
"oh." the disappointment on Shaila's face was undeniable but Bette didn't really care. "sure, go ahead...we'll do another..."
"Yes!"
Bette was already out of the place, reaching out to call the first taxi and jumping in like a hurricane.
For the next ten minutes Bette didn't even pay attention to the traffic, she just kept her mind elsewhere, watching a few street lamps, a few telephone booths, a few horses dealing with the gendarmes. She went back years, to when she was younger, fresh, determined and full of love, true love. Despite how much she had fought at the beginning, she knew she had found it with Tina. Tina had been her light at the end of the tunnel, Bette was coming out of a complicated relationship with a reckless artist, with no prospect of starting a family or a normal life as a partner. At that moment she didn't really feel like she needed other people in her life, certainly not a woman who had only been with men until that moment, only one boyfriend in high school.
It wasn't her lack of sexual experience with women that had blocked the brunette towards Tina, but something else.
Her age was inconsiderate! Tina was only 22, eight years younger than her, Bette had never considered herself a bigot in this regard, but she had always dated lesbian women of her own age if not a few years older. Furthermore, Tina was her boss's daughter, Tom Kennard had offered Bette the job of a lifetime, the job of her dreams and she certainly wouldn't want to disappoint him by breaking his daughter's heart.
Tina had started coming to the law firm to do her internship during her law degree, she would sit in on the big cases and everyone at the firm would teach her what they knew, sometimes she would just drop off a few coffees here and there making photocopies or making minor phone calls. She was still a student.
But Bette remembered how undeniable it had been to deny how she felt about Tina from the start. Bette had never felt that way about a woman, she had broken up with Jodie and was devastated or so she thought, but Tina's closeness on busy afternoons had given Bette a strong sense of living life to the full.
She had taught Tina how to be a good lawyer, minimal tricks, but Tina had taught Bette how important love was.
It was Tina who finally broke the ice, asking for a drink, like friends, colleagues, whatever. Well in the end Tina ended up kissing Bette one night and from there even if the brunette was always reluctant it took a little while before the need to be a couple took over. They were made for each other, there was no doubt about it. Bette found herself patient, teaching Tina the pleasure of making love to another woman, without rushing, without roughness, just being together. How had that young woman transformed a wizard of the pick-up into that woman full of feelings? Bette had never been able to understand it, just as she had never been able to understand how Tina that morning so easily in the office confided that she was in love with her.
The brunette had melted, tears were falling down her cheeks, she had hugged Tina, in the evening they had gone to the cinema and made love until the morning, Bette had never reciprocated those words, but she knew how to make Tina feel them without saying them and the blonde was not stupid.
But after years, now, all this seemed really stupid to her, it was so easy to say those words, to respond, to cancel the barriers that her life had put in her, Bette had felt dry and stupid at the same time, gripped by panic. That's why despite the struggles they made to keep their relationship hidden, the dinners in unlikely places, in the office late at night, at Bette's house, Tina invented the worst excuses with her parents just to be with her woman, only her mother had always known, of the love that Tina felt for Bette.
Emily had adored Bette from day one and much more she had adored the version of Tina next to Bette, until it all ended. A solitary tear ran down Bette's cheek, which she absentmindedly dried without thinking about the little elbow that came out of her to do so.
She ran her fingertips over each other several times, closing her eyes for a moment, she had walked away just when Tina had confessed her love, Bette had run as she usually does, as she was used to, not knowing that the train would leave without her.
At the time, she would never have known.
The taxi suddenly stopped, Bette was a moment overwhelmed by the stop, she was not seeing the route at all, she stared at the driver's figure from the rearview mirror and hinted at a kind and friendly smile, holding out the banknote in the man's hands without thinking about the change and getting out quickly and delicately at the same time. Bette was hit by the cold, a puff of smoke came out of her mouth as she clutched her black coat to her throat, her hair would be a mess as always. She raised her head entering through the majestic gate of Hyde Park, almost lonely at that hour, only a few people walking their dogs, a few romantic couples, the guards who went around making sure everything was ok.
Bette had returned there many times, she loved that place, it made her go back in time, it made her feel young and loved even if it hurt. She walked knowing full well that sooner or later she would stop without seeing, even before seeing she would feel it, it was in her nature. Bette passed some paths and some people walking, the night was now thick and the yellow lights created the atmosphere, Hyde Park was always magical, she thought.
Then suddenly there she was. Bette froze on her black heels, her hands in her coat pockets, biting her lip as she watched the figure from behind, leaning on the railing of the pond, unaware of who was watching her. Maybe Bette still had time to turn around, go back, not look at that face, those lips, those eyes. No one would notice, not even her.