Wolfstar one shots

Remus Lupin wasn’t stupid.

In fact he was far from stupid. He knew things would change when they left Hogwarts, being more specific he knew things would change with the war. When they became adults and stepped into real life.

It wasn’t just Hogwarts anymore. It wasn’t just pranks and detentions. It wasn’t just silly fights and sneaking on the halls during the night. It wasn’t only the thought of war, because back in Hogwarts they felt safe. Inside the school walls they were safe and the war was far from them.

Or that’s what they at least wanted to believe.

Now Remus was 21 years old and the war wasn’t far away from him. The war was there when he stepped out of their apartment and walked on the streets.

Sometimes the war was inside the apartment. It was in Remus' head when he laid in bed and when he woke up the next morning, more tired than the night before.

The war followed him wherever he went. And he couldn’t shake it off no matter how much he tried.

At this point Remus didn’t even try to shake it off, because what was the point?

What made everything even worse was that the war had come between him and Sirius too.

They barely saw each other. Because Sirius was always going somewhere, doing something. Or when he wasn’t doing something, going somewhere, Remus was.

He would go even if he didn’t have to, because Remus Lupin was a coward.

He didn’t want to sit down and talk about it. He didn’t want to ask Sirius if something was wrong, because it was obvious. Everything was fucking wrong.

He also didn’t want to hear Sirius say the words he most feared. He couldn’t do it, he didn’t bear to hear the words leave Sirius' mouth.

I’m not in love with you anymore Remus.

Even if Remus wasn’t afraid of the war, he was afraid of Sirius saying those words. Afraid of him packing his bags and walking out the door for the last time.

Oh what a coward he was.

So he kept playing the game they both have grown to be so good at:

Wake up in the morning, glance to the right. Is Sirius there? No, go back to sleep or check the living room sofa. Yes, get up and leave or go back to sleep just to wake up the spot next to you cold and empty.

If leaving was on the mission be as quiet as you can, leave a message (or don’t). If you feel brave enough go and check on Sirius one last time. (Press a gentle kiss on the head you could barely see under the blanket)
Wander around in the London streets, if you don’t have a mission or anything better to do. When the time is reasonable go and see James, Lily and Harry, or Mary, or Peter, or Marlene and Dorcas. Which ever felt the best at the moment.

Worry the shit out of yourself, because what is Sirius doing? Where is he now? Has he eaten?

When it’s late enough go back home and wish Sirius is sleeping or not there.

Curse under your breath if he is there.

Murmur a couple of words before heading to sleep.

The sofa or the bed (Sofa if Sirius was already sleeping)

And that went on for weeks, maybe months. Who would keep a count?

Remus did, six weeks.

He didn’t even know what had happened. What had started this. One time he came back from a mission that included other werewolves. They had fought before Remus had left, because Sirius didn’t want him to leave. Remus obviously didn’t want to leave either.

Sirius had still kissed him goodbye, told him he loved him and told to be safe.

And most importantly, told him to come back home.

Remus had come back home, but things haven’t been the same anymore. Sirius had been distant, but still there. They had talked the night he got back. Sirius asked how the mission was, Remus hadn’t really answered. All he said was,

“It was.. Normal”

Now six weeks later Sirius wasn’t distant anymore. Simply because he wasn’t there anymore.

Remus couldn’t remember the last time they spoke full sentences. It was always just the same couple questions and short answers from the both of them.

“Hey”

“Hi”

“How was the day”

“Good”

After that it was quiet until one of them said good night.

No lingering touches or well touches at all. No kissing or even mention of anything that could remind them both that oh you two are in fact in a relationship.

There was barely any eye contact between them.

They were like two strangers in the same apartment and neither of them knew why they were there. Except they knew, Remus knew.

They were there because when Remus was 15 he fell in love with his best friend Sirius. He fell in love with the most dramatic black haired boy he had ever met. And to Remus' surprise the boy fell in love with him too. Little later than he did, but still. By the end of seventh year they were head over heels with each other, even before that.

So they shared an apartment and a bed, lately not so often, because they loved each other. Or at least they used to love each other.

Now that Remus thought about it, while sitting in the small kitchen of Mary’s apartment, maybe they should talk about it. Because if they got over it now, it wouldn’t hurt so much in the future. Right?

Sirius would simply have to tell him he didn’t love him anymore and that would be it. Because how could Sirius love him anymore when they no longer talked to each other? Though Remus still loved him, but that’s only because he is a fool and Sirius is, well Sirius.

He loved Sirius and couldn’t help it, didn’t want to help it. So he would love Sirius till the end of the line, even if the other man didn’t return the love for him.

He couldn’t love anyone the same way he loved Sirius. And that’s only because Sirius is a bastard, a wanker, a tosser, a real asshole.

Why? You could ask.

Remus didn’t know, but had decided he was, because how dared he take Remus' love and just keep it selfishly to himself.

So yes Sirius is a fucking wanker.

“I’m pretty sure the cup is going to break if you hold it any tighter”, Mary pointed out and took a sip of her own tea.

Remus looked down to his hands and his knuckles, in fact, were white from holding the cup. He loosened his grip and lifted the cup to his lips.

“Sorry”

Mary smiled, the same sad smile he's been receiving since he arrived.

Which was almost four hours ago, fuck. He should leave and go home. But it was only six in the evening, so Sirius could be home and if Sirius is home then he would-

“Remus, love I can hear your thoughts all the way here”, Mary said and moved her hand to rest on top of his. Her skin was warm and soft, and it felt nice compared to Remus’ scarred cold palm.

“Sorry”

“I swear I have not counted but that was like the twentieth time you said sorry since you got here”

Remus bit his lip and moved his thumb over Mary’s palm that was still resting on top of his.

“Sor- I should probably go”, he said and pulled the chair away from the table. The legs scraped the floor making a noise that almost made Remus wince.

“You don’t have to”, Mary said calmly and got up too. She took their cups and put them on the kitchen counter. “I can tell you don’t want to go”

Bloody hell. Of course Mary could tell he didn’t want to go.

“Have you talked to him?”

Remus almost laughed, not because it was funny, but because it was ironic.

“I take that as a no”, Remus shook his head and sat down after standing only for a couple of seconds. Seems like he wasn’t leaving. Mary hummed and sat down too. She lifted her other foot up on the chair and rested her chin on her knee.

“I never wanted to ask, because it isn’t my business. But it’s been way too many weeks”

“Six”, Remus murmured, interrupting Mary.

“What?”

“It’s been six weeks”, Remus said, being more specific. Mary looked at him, her expression more sad than ten seconds ago. It looked like something broke in Mary’s look, but she didn’t say anything about it.

“Okay. It’s been six weeks and you two have been sadder and sadder every day I have seen you so now I’m asking. What’s wrong?”

Remus raised his head up from where he was looking down at his toes. Mary said two. Has Sirius been visiting her too? He knew he’d been at the Potter’s a lot the past weeks, but he didn’t know he's been here too?

Did Sirius do the same things while away than he did?
“Two?” Remus said, as if he wasn’t able to form full sentences.

“Yes, Sirius has been over here too. Actually he was here yesterday”, Mary pointed out. “I’m assuming, sorry, I know something is wrong with you too”

And before Remus could stop himself, come up with something else to say the words were out of his mouth,

“Sirius doesn’t love me anymore”

Mary's eyebrow shot up on her forehead and she raised her head up from her knee.

“What?” she asked, clearly shocked by Remus outburst. “Why do you think that?”

“I know that. He hasn’t talked to me more than a couple of words the past six weeks. We are never home at the same time except at night when we are sleeping. Even then sometimes one of us may sleep on the sofa. Mary, he hasn't touched me in six weeks!”

“Well you know-”

“No, not that way! Like nothing, absolutely nothing. I don’t even remember the last time he looked me in the eyes, except I do. It was the night I came home from the mission”

Mary was quiet for a while, clearly thinking about everything Remus said. She bit her lip and scratched the wooden table’s surface.

“Okay, okay. So you haven’t talked for over a month or well interacted in any way. And now you think he doesn’t love you?”

Remus nodded, if he said something he felt like he was going to burst into tears. Hearing it coming from someone else was worse than thinking it in his head.

“Do you love him?”

Without even having to think Remus was nodding his head.

“Yes of course”

“Well then why wouldn’t he love you too?”

Remus didn’t have an answer to that question. He was just sure Sirius didn’t love him anymore. He had not once thought why that would be. But one simple clue was that Sirius didn’t talk to him. So isn’t that an obvious reason? He didn’t have time to think more, because Mary was speaking again.

“But something is clearly wrong. And as much as you may hate me for saying this, I think the only thing you can do is talk to him”

Remus gulped, but he knew Mary was right. Most of the time Mary was right. Then he nodded.

“You are right, but I can’t”

“No Remus you can”, Mary said and got up so she could walk up to him. Sitting down Remus was the same height Mary was standing up, so Mary had a great opportunity to take a hold of Remus cheeks with her hands.

“Go home and talk to Sirius. If he isn’t home, wait for him and then talk. Because I can’t bear to watch you two be so miserable. Everything going on right now is awful enough and you need each other”

Remus didn’t say anything, he just tried to look down, but the hold Mary had off his face was stiff and she held his head up to look her in the eyes.

“Right?”

Remus closed his eyes and breathed down.

“Right”, he said and opened his eyes. Mary was again smiling the same sad smile, but brought Remus' head closer and planted a soft kiss on his forehead. Remus closed his eyes again and rested his head on Mary’s chest.

“Thank you”

“Of course”, Mary murmured and wrapped her arms around his neck gently.

“Now go get your man”

Remus let out a wet laugh and nodded.

-

When Remus got home Sirius wasn’t home. He fought the urge to go to sleep and keep going the same way they’ve been going on. But then he realised it was only 7 in the evening.

And also because he could hear noises from the other side of the door and there he was. Remus hadn’t really looked at Sirius for a while. And if Remus felt and looked miserable then Sirius definitely looked that way too.

Sirius looked tired, there were dark bags under his eyes. His usual shiny wavy hair looked messy and that it needed to be properly brushed after a shower. Even the way he was standing, holding himself up seemed to be odd. His usual trimmed and neat stubble wasn't.. well trimmed and neat. It looked like Sirius hadn’t touched it for a couple of weeks. Remus couldn’t blame him for it. His own usual clean shaved face was now rough from his cheeks and chin, but not as noticable like Sirius’ one.

But that was not the point here. The point was that Sirius didn’t look like he was doing well, and Remus felt guilty for it.

The other man looked shocked to see Remus standing in their living room. Which again Remus couldn’t blame him for, usually he came home after nine.

“Hello”, Remus said with a small voice. He could do this.

“Hi”, Sirius said back and kicked his shoes off. “You’re early”, he said and walked past Remus to the kitchen. He decided to follow him. If he was going to do it, mind as well do it right away.

“Yeah, hope you don’t mind”

Sirius didn’t turn to look at him, but instead filled the teapot with water.

“Why would I?” he put the pot on the stove and kept his eyes on it.

Remus felt like he was walking on eggshells. He needed to be careful with what he said.

“Well I don’t know if you wanted to see me”

He saw how Sirius’ head rose up to stare at the cabinet’s door, still not turning around.

“What does that mean?” he turned his head to the side and rested his hands on the counter.

Here we go, Remus thought.

“You have been avoiding me the past weeks”

Now Sirius turned around and his face was angry.

Fuck

“So what have you been doing then, Remus?”

Remus didn’t say anything, he just looked down and played with his fingers. He felt like he was ten years old again. When Remus didn’t answer Sirius spoke again,

“Because I’m pretty sure you have been avoiding me too the past weeks. Or do you have something important to do every day? Going somewhere?”

Remus looked up quickly, his brows furrowed. What was Sirius trying to say?

“What do you mean?”

Sirius laughed, it was a mean laugh. Remus didn’t usually cry, but now he could.

“What do I mean? Oh what do I mean. Tell me exactly where you were seven weeks ago”

“You know where I was Sirius”, Remus said, feeling like he needed to defend himself.

“Oh right on a mission right, sure whatever you say mate”, Sirius said coldly and turned around again.

“Don’t call me mate. You never call me mate”, Remus almost whined and took a step closer from the doorway.

“Oh sorry, did I hurt your feelings?” Sirius said his voice filled with sarcasm. He took the pot out of the stove and poured some of the boiling water into a cup.

“What have I done, Sirius? Because honestly I have no Idea”

Sirius opened one of the cabinet’s, looking for teabags. He looked through one box and tried to find his favourite tea.

Remus was starting to lose his temper.

“Could you stop making tea for a one fucking second and talk to me!”

And then Sirius dropped the box on the counter and yelled.

“Tell me where the fuck have you been these past weeks? And where the fuck where you when you said you went on a mission? Because I want to believe that, I want so badly, but I don’t know if I can”

“What the fuck Sirius? You think I’m some spy? You think I went with the fucking werewolves for three bloody weeks because I wanted to? Fuck you Sirius”, he turned around and walked to the bedroom. He didn’t know what he was about to do, but he knew he was angry.

Did Sirius really think he was a spy? Him? Sirius knows how much he hates the werewolves, how much he had begged for Moody and Dumledore not to send him there again. Back in Hogwarts he had fucking cried in Sirius arms for how much he hated what he was, what Greyback had done to him. And now Sirius out of all the people was saying those things to him.

“Don’t run away!” Sirius's voice said and he followed Remus to the bedroom.

“How could you! How fucking could you!” Remus was now full on yelling at him. They were standing on different sides of the bed.

“Say it Remus, say it and then I know”

Remus couldn’t believe him right now, he didn’t know what to think. He wanted to punch the wall, he wanted to yell until no voice was coming out of him. He wanted to collapse on the floor and close his eyes. Maybe if he wished enough he could wake up in Sirius arms and be back in Hogwarts. This all could just be a bad dream, but Remus wasn't a lucky person. He had learned that when he was five.

“I am not a fucking spy Sirius! I could never do that to you, I could never do that to anyone! And I thought you knew it, but clearly you didn’t! And I fucking hate you Sirius, I fucking hate you! But we both know I don’t really, because I can’t hate you even if I wanted to. And that’s a new reason why I should hate you. But I can’t, you selfish fucking asshole!” by now he was out of breath, breathing heavily. He had to sit down so he wouldn't collapse on the floor.

“Are you happy now?” he asked.

Then it was quiet. The only sound in the room was their breathing and then Sirius’ steps. He walked closer to Remus and kneeled down on the floor. Remus turned to the side, so he wouldn’t have to look at Sirius.

“Moony..”

“Don’t call me that”, Remus whispered.

“Remus”

“Remus, I’m sorry”

“I bet you are. Huh? For six weeks you avoided me too, because you thought I had betrayed you guys. So yes Sirius you should be sorry”, his voice wasn’t anymore louder than a whisper.

“I know, I know and I am so sorry. It's just.. When you left rumours started to fly. People said there was a spy in Order and of course I didn’t think it was you, no one said it was you. But.. but then you came back and I tried to ask you about your mission and you didn’t really tell anything-”

“I was with the werewolves. You think I enjoyed my time with them? You think I wanted to tell you everything that happened? No I was embarrassed”

“I know and I’m not blaming you”, Sirius said and rested his hand on his knee, Remus let him. “And it’s not an excuse, but I was, still am, so confused and scared and I don’t know but I am so sorry”

“I know you are”, Remus said because he knew he was. He knew Sirius better than he knew himself and he could tell the other man was sorry.

“I thought you didn’t love me anymore”, Remus said in a small voice and turned to look at Sirius. “Do you still..”

“Moon- Remus”, Sirius said. He dropped his head down. “Of course I love you, I can’t stop loving you. Not like that, and maybe that was part of it, why I was avoiding you. I was scared that if you really were a.. Well you know. I don’t know what I would have done, because I love you and will love you no matter what. And that is scary, isn’t it? Loving is scary”

Remus nodded. He knew, he totally knew. He would love Sirius no matter what, even if he shouldn’t. And that was scary, loving is way too overwhelming. Remus doesn’t know why it was okay to love someone, when loving could easily kill. He would let it burn him down. He could lose himself for it. As long as he can love. If he can love, then he can die for it.

If he can love Sirius.

And even though the things Sirius had thought of Remus were offensive and terrible, he forgave him.

Why? Because Remus was stupid fool, who loved Sirius Black. Even if he didn’t love him back.

“You're an awful person”, Remus said.

Sirius nodded, “I know”

“You’re terrible selfish asshole”

Sirius nodded again, trying to hide his smile. “I know, you told me”

“And I hate you”

“You can hate me if you want”

“But fucking hell I love you”

Now Sirius smiled and dropped his head down to hide it.

“And you’re the biggest dickhead I have ever met and you drive me mad. I could rip your head off”

“And I would let you, Moony I would let you”

“I know, and that’s why I hate you”

“I don’t know if this is getting a bit offensive”

Remus crossed his arms. “You deserve it, you wanker”

Sirius got up from the floor and pulled Remus up with him into a hug.

“I’m sorry”, Sirius murmured to his neck.

Remus swayed them a bit and ran his hands through Sirius' messy hair.

“I know, and I forgive you”

Sirius looked up at Remus with so much gratitude.

“I love you Remus Lupin”

“You better”, Remus joked. It felt good, he could breathe again. After many weeks he could relax and just enjoy life a bit.

“Say it please, Moony say it”, Sirius pleaded.

“I love you sweetheart”

“I love you”

“I love you too, but you kinda stink Sirius”

Sirius barked a laugh. “I know”

“And your hair is a mess”

“I know that too”

“Just wanted to make sure”

“Thanks”

“Of course”

Oh love, Remus thought. It lends to bad things, but he wouldn’t ever change the way he felt towards Sirius. Maybe it will drive him mad, make him cry, make him yell until he can't anymore.

But at least he loved.