Missing you
If you asked anyone else they would say Regulus was doing fine. Even if you asked Regulus himself, he would say his fine. But the same way everybody else,
Regulus lies.
Because he’s not fine.
Psychically yes, he’s fine, nothing wrong with him.
He just misses the brown eyes. He misses the messy hair. He misses the smile. He misses the pink lips. He misses the laugh he promised himself he wouldn’t get attached to. He even misses the things that annoy him the most.
He misses James Potter so much it hurts.
So maybe he isn’t physically fine after all.
Of course he knew, they knew, it wouldn’t be easy to be apart for so long. Still Regulus was sure he would be fine, but now it’s been only three months and he feels pathetic.
Just three months. Anyone should be fine without seeing someone for three months. But when it comes to James who has dug under his skin, settled himself in every cell in Regulus' body, yeah it isn’t easy.
He still wouldn’t dare to tell it to anyone, not even to James. The lovely James who writes him letters every week telling him how much he misses Regulus.
But Regulus doesn’t believe James misses him as much as he misses him. Not because he doesn’t love him as much as Regulus does, he for sure does. He probably beats him at it.
He just knows it’s not possible for James to miss him as much as he misses him. Because anyone could miss James, hell everyone should miss James. It still doesn’t mean anyone misses him more than Regulus does. No one isn’t allowed to miss him more than he does.
You can’t own anyone, he knows that. But he's pretty sure James owns his heart. And he holds it so carefully and beautifully in his hands, that sometimes Regulus wishes he would just throw it to the wall and leave it to bleed.
It would probably hurt less than walking past the places they used to spend time together.
He can’t even go to the astronomy tower anymore. Because how is he supposed to go there and not think about the night they have spent there? Him talking about astronomy and James listening to him even when he didn’t understand half of the things. He never said it, but Regulus knows.
Or when James told-
“Wake the fuck up mate”, someone smacked him to the back of his head. And the someone is Barty who clearly has been talking to him for the past five minutes.
“What”, Regulus muttered and looked up from the table. They have been sitting in the great hall for.. many minutes? He doesn’t know because he has been zoned out the second they sat down.
Regulus feels stupid for being so attached to someone as much as he is to James. He wouldn’t change it for the world, but it makes him feel fragile. And he only wants to be that fragile when James is here, arms wide open welcoming him to his safety.
“First I told what I was going to do over the Christmas and then I asked what you two will do over the Christmas”
“Oh”, Regulus said and struggled.
“I will probably just stay home and enjoy the quietness I have when you’re not around”, Evan said and smiled widely at Barty.
“Rude”, Barty said and pointed his finger at him. “What about you Reg”
“Well James invited me over and we will just all spend Christmas at the Potters”
“Ahh how’s the loverboy?”
“I said not to call him that”, Regulus warned. The nickname itself wasn’t bad, but Barty saying it was bad.
“Oh come on Reg we know about the disgustingly sweet pet names”, Evan said and nudged Regulus with his elbow.
“Yeah my love we know”, Barty teased.
“If you don’t shut up I will show my wand down your throat so far you will choke on it”, Regulus said calmly the same time he poured pumpkin juice for himself.
“Wow no need to threaten Barty, he’s just a wanker you know it”, Evan said when Bartys smile fell from his lips.
“Mmhm”, Regulus just hummed.
“What’s up your ass today? Or should I say for the past weeks now?” Barty asked after recovering from the shock by Regulus' words. He knew Regulus wouldn’t really do anything to him, but the imaginative threats always surprises him.
“Nothing”, he said and as he was about to speak again the owls flew inside the great hall bringing today's mail. One letter dropped on Regulus' spot and he immediately recognized the handwriting. He quickly gathered the letter and got up.
“Where are you going?” Barty asked.
“Dorm”, Regulus simply said
“But we have quidditch practice in like forty minutes”, Evan pointed out and watched as Regulus walked further away from them.
“See you there then”
-
He sat down on his bed and stared at the unopened letter. He closed his eyes and breathed before he tore the letter open.
Hi Reggie! How’s my favourite boy?
Now I’m really sorry I don’t have anything special or exciting to tell you. The week has been peaceful, which you are probably happy about. I visited mum and dad yesterday and mum said he misses you and can’t wait to see you on Christmas. And don’t worry dad misses you too!
We went for a drinks on Sunday and Sirius got so pissed he couldn’t walk straight, not that he never can (got that one?) Remus wasn’t happy. But don’t worry I only had one drink!
This was for sure the most boring letter I have sent you, but I promise to tell you every little detail next week when you get home.
I miss you so much and can’t wait to kiss your handsome face.
You’re making me feel sick, that’s my brother.
Sorry, that was Pads. I left this on the counter for like two minutes. He doesn’t know what not reading other people’s letters means.
But I think that was it. I wish I had more to say.
I love you so much, pretty boy.
Yours forever,
James
By the time Regulus was done reading the letter he didn’t know if he was about to cry or yell his lungs out. He didn’t have time to write James back right now so he hid the letter under his pillow and headed down for their quidditch practice.
-
The landscape moved quickly on the other side of the window. The painfully slow week was over and finally Regulus was heading back to London.
Back to James.
”Is he going to be at the station?” Evan, who was sitting next to him, asked.
”No. I didn’t want him to be”
And that was only because he didn’t want to have a meltdown in front of the whole school and their parents.
”Oh okay”, Evan struggled and then went back to his book. Leaving Regulus alone with his thoughts again.
The train arrived at the station. All the younger kids were running around, excited to see their parents again. Regulus secretly shared the excitement with the kids, but not because of his parents. But because of this certain boy who he will finally see again after three painfully long months.
Regulus stepped out of the train after Evan and Barty.
”Well lads I will see you after the New Years”, Barty said, but Regulus wasn’t listening because he saw something. More like someone
Above all the other people he was one face. He saw dark messy hair, he saw round glasses, he saw dimples.
He saw James fucking Potter standing in the station.
And then he was running. He ran past parents greeting their children and muttered a couple of sorry’s when he pumped on to someone.
He crashed into James' with so much force the other boy stumbled back a couple of steps.
He wrapped his arms around James' waist and squeezed him as tightly as he could. He pressed his face to James’ neck and before he could help himself silent tears were running down his cheeks.
“Hey pretty boy”, James whispered and burrowed his nose into Regulus' hair.
“I know you said you didn’t want me to come here, but I couldn’t help myself”
Regulus just shook his head, his face was still hidden in James' neck.
“Reg?” James asked and tried to move farther away in effort to look at him, but Regulus just pressed himself closer to James’ body.
“Hey what’s wrong?” he asked and took a hold of Regulus’ neck lifting his head up. They finally locked eyes and James furrowed his eyebrows.
Regulus' face was wet from tears, eyes red and nose runny.
“Regulus, why are you crying?” he asked and wiped the tears away from his cheeks.
“Everything is okay, I’m here”, James said and took a hold of his cheeks after moving the black curls away from his sticky cheeks.
Regulus struggled and with a small voice said:
“Gosh this is embarrassing”
James smiled, but was still worried. He looked around trying to look for Regulus' trunk.
“Where is your trunk?”
Regulus looked around too and was thankful no one wasn’t paying much attention to them.
“Um I left it there when I saw you”, he said and pointed to the direction where Evan and Barty were still standing.
“I will go get it for you, okay?” he quickly kissed Regulus’ forehead before he headed in the direction of the two boys.
“Hey James, I thought you weren’t supposed to come here”, Evan said. He clearly had seen them from far away.
“Yeah I wasn’t but still decided even though Regulus didn’t want to. You know him, bloody stubborn”
“We know mate”, Barty chuckled.
“Well happy Christmas to you too”, James said, took Regulus' trunk and turned around.
“You too!” the two boys said
“Cheers”, James glanced at them smiling
When he got back to the spot he had left Regulus, the younger boy was leaning on the nearby wall. He wasn’t crying anymore, but his eyes were still red and puffy.
“Come on let’s go home”, he took a hold of Regulus’ hand with his.
“Then you can tell me what’s wrong”
When they appeared at James' apartment James walked them both to the sofa and sat down. He took a hold of both Regulus’s hands and kissed his knuckles.
“Reggie”, he started and waited for the other boy to look at him. When he finally did he kept going
“What’s wrong?”
Regulus struggled and bit his lip before speaking,
“Nothing is wrong”
James studied his face trying to look for something alarming. When he didn’t find anything he nodded.
“Okay, well what is it then?”
Again Regulus stayed quiet before speaking,
“I just- I just missed you so badly. And when I finally saw you it all just came crashing out of me I guess”
James smiled sympathetically and pulled Regulus closer.
“Yeah I guessed that was it”
Regulus looked at him confused, wrinkle forming between his eyebrows.
“How?”
Now James laughed, he literally laughed and Regulus didn’t get what was so funny.
“Because I know you, you idiot”, he said as if that answered Regulus' question.
“Well obviousl-“
“You think I didn’t realise it? Like I know you missed me, because I of course missed you too. And yeah first I was confused why you didn’t tell me. But then I realised that you didn’t want to say it, as if not saying it would make it go away”
Now Regulus’ cheeks were red and he looked down. He didn’t know it had been that obvious, but everything was obvious to James about him. It’s something that still feels weird to him. James knew him, sometimes better than he knew himself.
“Well it didn’t make it go away”
“Wouldn’t have guessed my love”
“Hey that’s my name for you”, Regulus said seriously offended.
James raised his eyebrow at him challengingly.
“Oh yeah? I can’t use it?”
Regulus climbed on top of James, straggling him. He came closer, their lips almost brushing.
“No it’s mine for you”, he said and then pressed their lips together.
And then in that second the three months were behind. Regulus was now home, because James was his home. As silly as it sounds that’s the way he felt and as long as it felt right, he was okay with it.
James pulled off and moved his hands to Regulus’ hair, his fingers brushing through the strands.
James was about to say something when a noise was heard from the kitchen.
“What’s that?” Regulus asked, confused and moved away from James’ lap. James got up and headed to the kitchen.
“It’s a phone”
Regulu got up too and followed him.
“A what?”
“A phone. You know the thing muggles use”, he said before raising the weird looking thing to his ear.
“Yeah?”
Mumbling could be heard from the otherside, but Regulus couldn’t make any words from it.
“I’ll see what he thinks”
“Yeah yeah Pads, I know”
“Sirius?” Regulus mouthed. He couldn’t believe his brother was using a muggle phone.
James nodded before speaking again.
“Yeah see you.. Yeah alright bye”
“Since when did my brother own a phone”
James laughed and put the phone back to the thing that was in the wall. Honestly Regulus has no idea how phones work.
“Since Remus came up with the idea of getting phones”
Regulus motioned him to keep going.
“As you know your brother doesn’t know such a thing as privacy, so everytime he had something to tell me he came over. So like twenty times a day”
Regulus nodded, “Sounds like Sirius”
James nodded too, “Yeah and even though I love him like my brother, I can’t lie and say him coming over at 6 in the morning to tell me something ridiculous didn’t start annoying me”
“Makes sense”
“So Remus came up with the idea of getting phones”
“So now he calls you at 6 in the morning”
“No, that's the thing. He doesn’t really know how to use them so he simply just doesn’t call”
“Expect..?”
“Expect when Remus tells him to call me and not come over”
Regulus chuckled and shook his head.
“He is whipped”
James smiled and got closer. He wrapped his arms around him.
“It’s called love”
Regulus wrinkled his nose in disgust.
“Ew”
James laughed.
“What? You wouldn’t do something if I told you to?”
Regulus smirked challengingly.
“No, but you don’t have to because I’m not annoying prat”
James opened his mouth offended.
“Hey that’s my best friend you’re talking about”
“And that best friend of yours is my brother. I don’t know who else could annoy the shit out of me as easily as him. He has a talent of doing that”
“It’s not that hard to piss you off, you know?”
“Oh piss off!” Regulus pushed him gently on his side but still smiled.
“My exact point”
James cupped Regulus’ face and caressed his cheekbone with his thumb. Regulus leaned in to the touch.
Then Regulus realised he still didn’t know why Sirius called.
“Why did he call?”
James seemed to think about it at first too.
“Oh yeah he asked if we would come over today. They want to see you”
“Mmm, okay”
“Yeah?”
“Yeah, but only because I wanna see Remus”
“Sure thing Reggie, sure thing”
James took a hold of his face and kissed him again. It was slow and Regulus felt himself leaning into it more.
“But now I want you for myself”, James murmured and suddenly pulled away. He looked at Regulus closely and caressed his cheek again. Regulus closed his eyes.
“Everything okay now?”
He nodded, eyes still closed.
“I want you to say it”
“Mhmm” Regulus hummed.
James rolled his eyes and moved his hands to his lower back, fingers brushing dangerously close to his arse.
“Yeah I’m okay now. Always okay when with you”
And it was true. James had a special skill of making everything okay even when things weren’t. So in that moment Regulus focused on him and only him.
He didn’t think about the fact he would have to go back to Hogwart soon and be a part of James again for months.
Because it didn’t matter. He was here now, they both were.
And finally Regulus didn’t have to lie when he said he was okay.