sculptures
Remus was already crying. He had been crying since he got the message from Sirius earlier that day.
He walked out of his flat crying.
He walked down the street crying.
And he walked into Sirius’ room, still crying. Already crying. And nothing had even happened yet.
Sirius was just sitting on the edge of his bed, eyes down, not looking at Remus.
“You can sit down, you know.”
Remus shook his head. Even though Sirius still wasn’t looking at him, he somehow knew that he had, “Rey, sit down please.”
“No.” Remus’ voice shook, it broke Sirius’ heart even more.
“Remus-”
“No. No I’m not sitting down because if I sit down you’ll start talking and I don’t want to hear what you have to say. Not right now. Not this, because I know what this is.”
Sirius looked up at him then, he was crying too…but not as hard as Remus was, he was trying to hold it back. He stood up then too. He stood up and grabbed both of Remus’ hands in both of his, gently guiding him back to sit on the bed next to him.
Remus wanted to resist Sirius, but he couldn’t because Sirius was rubbing his thumb against his knuckles and gazing at him with such soft eyes it made Remus cry even more and he let Sirius lead him to the edge of the bed.
“Remus.” Sirius let out a hard strangled breath, using all of his self-control to not burst out into tears. “Listen, we both know that lately we haven’t been as happy as we used to be and-”
“Don’t.” Remus interrupted him desperately.
“Remus-”
“Don’t okay, just don’t say anything please.”
“Rey, I have to.” Remus hadn’t been looking at him, he had been staring at his hands folded in his lap, but he looked up at Sirius then. “I have to because we can’t keep doing this.”
“Doing what?”
“Fighting? Yelling? Being sad all the bloody time?”
“But we’re not!” They were. They had been such a mess in the last few weeks and everyone knew it but Remus wasn’t ready to give up without a fight.
“We are Remus!”
“How can you say that?”
“Because it’s true! It’s true and you know it, Remus.”
“How can you do this? Please don’t do this…I Love You, Sirius.”
“I Love You too, Rey. That’s why I have to do this. I have to do this because I can’t bear to watch someone I love so much be as miserable as you are.”
It went quiet then. Remus had no comeback. He had nothing to say…so he listened to Sirius.
“We haven’t been as happy as we once were. I don’t think either of us did anything wrong, I just think we need time apart to get better on our own before we can be better together. I don’t want us to end in some horrible, heartbreaking way but I need us to end so we can both be happy again, so you can be happy again, Remus.”
He fought back then, “But I’m happy with you Sirius! We can get ourselves better while still being together!” Sirius started shaking his head in disagreement, “Please! Sirius, please. please. Please…don’t do this.”
Sirius just shook his head again.
“I had to have done something wrong then-”
“No. Remus you didn’t do anything wrong. You never did anything wrong. If anything, I was the one who fucked up because I was the one who stopped treating you like you should be treated. I told you, you didn’t mess this up. I just don’t want to fight anymore.”
Remus shot up from where he was sitting on Sirius’ bed and began pacing back and forth. Fighting with everything in him to not cry, or hoping to come up with some groundbreaking argument that would surely change Sirius’ mind. His hands were tugging on his hair and his teeth were biting down painfully on his lower lip as he tried to refrain from breaking down into even more of a mess.
He stopped pacing and looked over at Sirius. He opened his mouth to declare some great justification of why they should stay together and fight whatever depression was eating at them as a couple, but when he saw Sirius looking at him with his big sad eyes that seemed to hold the entire world in them, he had nothing to say.
So instead, he turned and left Sirius’ place.
They were done.
And that’s when it hit Sirius. What he had just done. He almost chased after Remus. Thought about how he would do it. It would have been something spectacular in a bittersweet way. It was raining outside, what a cliche, but it would have made for a brilliant scene where Sirius would finally catch up to him and whirl him around to kiss him deeply. They would pull apart and Sirius would start rambling about how stupid that was of him and beg Remus to forget everything he had just said. Remus would, of course he would in this scenario, and he would grab Sirius by the collar and crash their lips together.
But this wasn’t some movie scene, it was real. So Sirius didn’t chase after him…he let him go.
Sirius, despite having been sitting down on his bed, slid off the edge of it and fell to his knees as his entire body shook with heavy, violent sobs.
They were done, over, finished, split up, no matter how you said it, it was the truth.
Sirius Black was no longer boyfriend to Remus Lupin.
They were broken up.
It has been two weeks since Henry and Remus’ break up. Summer was in full swing and he was doing much better.
It was just the five friends: James, Sirius, Remus, Peter, and Lily over at James’ place. James and Lily were getting ready to leave on their couples vacation in a few days and Remus had actually just returned that morning from having spent some time at home for his mum’s birthday.
It was quiet in the flat, but not really in some uncomfortable way but rather in a way that was homey and warm. It was nice.
Sirius and Remus had been chatting a lot in the last two weeks. Mostly over text when Sirius would check in on him and make sure he was okay before they would exchange small talk. It was never awkward between them though.
They were sitting across the room from each other when Remus stood up breaking the silent spell over the room. “I’m going out for a fag.”
Sirius watched him leave and stayed sitting for only a moment before following Remus outside.
When the door closed behind him, Remus was immediately holding a second cigarette out to him with a smirk on his face, “Figured you would follow me out here.”
Sirius smiled back as he took the second cigarette between his fingers. He grabbed his lighter out of his back pocket and lit the end, breathing in the smoke and letting it out slowly. “How are you feeling?”
Remus laughed, “You’ve asked me that nearly everyday since the breakup.”
“Sorry for being a concerned friend.” Sirius said sarcastically as they laughed together.
“I’m doing well.”
“Good.” He looked over at Remus. He wished he knew what he was thinking- what he was feeling. “Hey, Remus?”
“Yeah?”
“Are you happy?”
It was an unexpected question. A question that made the air around them thick, and not just with cigarette smoke, “I am, yeah.”
“Even after the breakup?”
“Yeah. I’m happy. Not necessarily because of the breakup, but I’m happy with myself, I guess.”
“Good.”
Something else filled the air then and Remus was brought back to all those months ago when he was sitting on Sirius’ bed practically begging him to fight for them.
“Sirius. Can I ask you a question?”
“Of course."
"Do you remember the night we broke up?”
Sirius looked at him with soft, vulnerable eyes and moved to stand directly next to him, “Yeah.”
“You said you loved me so much you couldn't watch me be anything but happy.”
“Yeah.” Sirius said softly, silently pleading with himself to not let out any tears.
“Was that true? Did you mean it when you said it?”
“Yeah.” His voice was barely a whisper.
Remus looked away from Sirius, instead he looked out into the night. There were cars out on the street, a few people walking around and laughing with each other. The moon was nearly full, not quite, but close. There was a slight breeze that caused small pieces of trash that had been left behind on the sidewalk to blow past his feet.
but I need us to end so we can both be happy again, so you can be happy again, Remus.
“I really did like Henry.”
“I know you did.”
“But it wouldn't have worked out between us.”
“Because he was a cheater?”
Remus smiled, “No. Well...yes, that’s a factor…but that’s not the only reason.”
Sirius felt his throat tighten. “No? What were the other reasons?”
“The night we broke up…I had obviously yelled at him for sleeping with other men, then he told me that it was partially my fault. At first I didn’t get that, I told him that too…but then he told me that even though I didn’t cheat I might as well have.” He looked over at Sirius then. Sirius was breathing heavily and his eyes were wide with emotion, he looked like he might cry. Remus felt like he might, “He said I might as well have because I was never in love with him. Because I was never over... my past.”
“Your past?”
Remus nodded. The words hadn't been said directly but they were both on the same page. They both knew what Remus was saying, they both knew that Remus’ ‘past’ he was referring to was his relationship with Sirius.
“I think that’s why I’m okay. I think that’s why I feel as happy as I do right now...”
Sirius felt his heart start pounding rapidly against his chest. He couldn't believe that this was happening right now…
“Sirius I-”
“I have a date tomorrow night.”
Remus stopped and looked at him.
“I was going to tell you that earlier…just thought that now would be a- a time to say it.”
“Oh.”
Sirius nodded, “Alex uh- set it up. He’s a great bloke, supposed to be very nice. I’m excited, my first date in a long time.”
Remus felt a tear slide down his cheek, he quickly wiped it away before Sirius could see it, “That’s good. I’m glad you're excited. I’m glad you're happy.”
“Yeah.” Sirius had seen Remus’ tears. He had seen him wipe it away quickly. He felt awful.
“I'm uh-” Remus turned away from him to wipe his eyes again and sniff up the remaining tears that had somehow escaped, “I'm going to head in now…probably will head home too. Good luck on your date tomorrow, I hope-” His voice started to shake and he had to leave quickly before he melted into a puddle at Sirius’ feet and told him everything he had been about to say, “I hope everything goes well.” He left so quickly Sirius had hardly heard the last of it.
Sirius let his head drop back to the wall. He closed his eyes as a singular tear dripped out of the corner of his eye.
Sirius had a date tomorrow, but the only person he wanted to be with had just left him smoking outside alone.
Despite the aching feeling of dread in his chest, Sirius got up and got ready for his date. He brushed his hair and made sure to shave his five o'clock shadow. He put on his best clothes and made himself presentable…even though going on this date was the last thing he wanted to do.
His name was Logan.
Logan was very sweet, but there was something off about him that made Sirius upset. Maybe it was the way he had a very similar look to James, or maybe it was the way he enunciated his words, or maybe, and Sirius thought it was probably the most likely reason, it was all of the things he lacked.
Logan lacked freckles, and his voice was a few octaves deeper than he would have liked. Logan had on a very nice outfit, but Sirius couldn't help but think it lacked a jumper that resembled one a grandpa would wear, or a nice beanie.
“You're not into this, are you?”
A deep voice made Sirius snap back into reality. The reality being, Sirius on a date and sitting in a booth across from a man who looked at him with nearly bored eyes. Sirius felt guilty when he recognized the fact that he had been so out of it, he could hardly recall even sitting down at the table.
“I’m sorry, what was that?”
Logan smiled, his point being made, “I said you're not into this, are you?”
Sirius looked down at his hands with a guilty expression, “No. I’m not…I’m sorry. You seem like a great lad and I promise I’m alright myself I just-”
Logan held up his hands to silence Sirius, “It’s alright. I get it.”
“You do?”
“Yeah. We’ve all tried to move on when we hadn't actually wanted to.”
Sirius blushed, had he really been that transparent? “Yeah.”
“How about we end the date here and pretend like it never happened, yeah? Might be better for the both of us.”
Sirius nodded, “Yeah.” They both stood up and began to collect their things. Sirius had no actual idea how long they had been there. Not long enough to have received food, but long enough to have gotten drinks, he figured that one out by the one empty mug of beer (Logan’s) and a completely full one (his) lying on the table. Sirius saw Logan reach into his pocket to leave money for the two drinks, so he reached out and stopped him.
“Let me, I'm the one who ruined this date anyways.” Logan didn't object and after the drinks were paid for, the two young men shook hands and walked away from each other. Leaving probably the world's most anticlimactic date in history.
It must have been a blessing in disguise that the date had ended as early as it had because no more than five minutes after Sirius’ departure from the small pub he and Logan had been in, his phone began ringing with a call from James.
“Hello?”
“SIRIUUUUUSSSS!!!!!”
“Bloody hell, James! Why are you yelling?”
“IT'S LOUDDDD!!”
Now that Sirius paid attention, it was actually quite loud in the background of James’ call. “Bloody hell, James, where are you?”
“LILY TOOK USTO CLUB FOR PARTY!”
He was most definitely at a club, and most definitely drunk, “James aren't you supposed to leave tomorrow for your trip with Lily?”
“THAT'S WHY WE'RE HEREE! TO CELEBRATE ME LEAVING BECAUSE YOU’LL MISSME!”
Sirius laughed, “I don't think you know what you’re saying, mate.”
“uhhhWAIT! AREN'T YOU POSED TO BE ON A DATE!”
“Yeah uh- it ended early-”
“PERFECT! COME TO THE CLUB!”
“James-”
“COME PARTY WITHS US PADFOOT!”
Sirius howled with laughter, he hadn’t been called ‘padfoot’ in nearly ten years. It was an old nickname James had given him when they were little for a reason neither of them could remember and they had dropped them a few years back, the reasoning being that they were far too mature for silly little nicknames like that now.
“Jesus, James.”
“PLEAAAAASSEEEE!”
“Christ, Lily, get your boyfriend under control please!” The voice could barely be heard in the background of James’ audio, but it was there, and it was definitely Remus'.
Sirius stopped in his tracks, trying to savor the small sound, “Is Remus there?”
“YESSSS! THE GANGS ALL ERE! SAY HI GANG!” No one said anything, but Sirius didn’t need them to.
“Alright, Prongs you got yourself a deal. I'll be there in ten.”
“PRONGSSSSSS!” James celebrated the use of his old nickname just before Sirius hung up the phone and made his way to the club.
Remus was standing in the corner of the loud club smoking with Peter, Alice, and people who they had met there. He had originally come prepared to do damage control, especially for James who had a tendency to be a bit of a party animal, but after many failed attempts he graciously stepped down from the motherly role and let Lily take over…she was the best at handling James anyway.
So he had moved to the corner and graciously accepted the joint someone had offered him and was just starting to feel it when he looked up at someone who caught his eye from across the club.
Sirius.
He stood out, and not just because of how put together and done up he was, but because he was just him. He would always be the most beautiful person in the room in the eye’s of Remus and tonight he was something spectacular.
Remus couldn't pull his eyes away from him. The way he held himself so tall even when standing alone and how the strobe lights of the club hit every single angle of Sirius’ strong face, making him light up in an array of beautiful colors. The northern lights. He looked like the northern lights.
Seeing the northern lights in person had been something that had been on his bucket list for ages, but now…seeing Sirius like this… he didn't have to. They wouldn't have been able to compare anyways. There was no way anything could beat Sirius in the category of beauty.
Sirius spotted him almost instantly, and when he did, Remus was already looking at him.
The air was knocked out of his lungs when he saw him, and Sirius watched him for a moment. The smoke around his head made for quite the dramatic viewing and Sirius loved every single split second of it.
He really was a sight to see. In a way, Remus was like one of those fascinating sculptures that you always see in museums, though Sirius had never been to one, he knew what they looked like. Remus didn’t have the face or body of one, of course not, most of those were heavily unrealistic and far too perfect to ever be real, it was more of the essence. Just like how the sculptures were supposed to represent old Greek mythology in a beautiful magical way, Remus reminded Sirius of someone that belonged there too. And in a strange way, to Sirius Black, Remus Lupin was a Greek god, and he worshiped him like so. He would fall to his knees in front of him and kiss the ground he walked on if Remus asked that of him.
Without thinking, they both made their way towards each other. Meeting in the middle of the dance floor. It was humid from all of the sweating and heavily breathing bodies that inhabited the club, and there was a strong smell of smoke, sweat, and cologne in the air. It usually would have made Sirius nauseous, but how could you feel anything but perfect when you're in close proximity to Remus Lupin?
“I thought you had a date?” Remus leaned into Sirius to talk into his ear so he could be heard over the loud environment. It sent shivers down Sirius’ spine.
Sirius, taking a leap of faith, or maybe just letting the hazy and horny environment control him, placed a hand on Remus’ hip as he leaned in close to respond. “It ended early.”
Remus didn't say anything but he let out a heavy breath that hit Sirius’ neck.
They looked at each other for a moment. Letting their eyes rake over the facial features of the other person, in a reckless and risque way.
Remus looked down at Sirius’ lips. Sirius barely had any type of mark on the entirety of his body, but he had one prominent, dark freckle on the top of his lip just right of his sharp cupid’s bow. Remus had the intense urge to run his tongue across the freckle and take his bottom lip between his teeth and tug. It would be easy with Sirius being as close as he was…and he was at a club, he could easily blame it on the joint or the alcohol or the heat of the moment if Sirius were to reject him. He was about to lean forward when James crashed into them and pulled them away to start taking shots.
Throughout the night, Sirius refused to talk about his date and proceeded to get progressively more and more drunk.
By the time 2am rolled around and Lily was fussing for them to all leave the club so they would be able to catch their flight the next day, Peter had to basically carry Sirius out of the club.
They had decided that they would all spend the night at James and Sirius’ flat to make and sleepover out of it, leading to all of the group drunkenly running around their flat.
They had somehow gotten Sirius into his bed and Remus had taken it upon himself to help Lily tend to him, since James was already passed out in his room.
In Remus’ head, he would just slide into bed next to Sirius and care for him, in case he needed something throughout the night and then in the morning when they both woke up…maybe they would be able to talk.
Lily was carefully lifting Sirius' legs onto his bed and tucking him in as Remus rummaged through the closet for extra blankets.
“He’s so beautiful.” Sirius mumbled half asleep and still slurring his words together.
“What was that, Love?” Lily asked, pushing his hair out of his face.
“He was so beautiful tonight. So beautiful.”
Remus looked over at him, having heard. His face dropped before he looked down with sad eyes. Sirius had been on a date tonight…and he had met someone who he thought was beautiful. He was too late.
When he looked back up, Lily was looking at him with hesitant eyes and biting the inside of her lip. He shook his head and placed the blankets he had grabbed from the closet at the foot of Sirius’ bed, “I think I’ll just head home.”
“Remus-”
“I’ll see you when you get back from your trip.”
And then he left.