I Love You

Sirius’ eyes slowly opened. He could vaguely feel James shaking him to consciousness as he woke.

To no one's surprise, his head was pounding with a hangover and he felt nauseous. Usually, he would have regretted the events of the night before that led to his current state, but he didn't regret a thing about it. Not when he had spent the whole night with Remus when he was looking as extraordinary as he had, which happened to be the only thing he could clearly remember from the night before.

“Oi, Sirius. Wake up.”

“I’m awake.” Sirius groaned, rolling over to bury his head into his pillow.

“Me and Lils are about to leave for the airport, I can't leave without a goodbye kiss from you.” James joked, as he climbed on top of Sirius. “You have to remember to water the plants, they were a gift from Lily and she will kill you if we come home and they're all dead.”

Sirius groaned in response.

“Make sure to check in on Pete, he gets lonely, you know that.”

Sirius, his head still face down in the pillow, gave James a lousy thumbs up.

“And do try to not break Remus’ heart again while we’re gone.”

That one got his attention.

Sirius shot up, knocking James to the side, “What are you talking about? We’re good. Remus and I made up, we're good.” Though he didn't sound fully convinced of his own words.

James let out something between a laugh and scoff, as he looked at Sirius with disbelief, “Tell that to the poor lad who ran out of your room last night practically in tears.”

Sirius stared into space with his brows furrowed, doing everything in his power to remember what he had said the night before. It slowly began to come back to him…but it was just so blurry.

“Do you know what I said?”

James shrugged, “Don't know. But when I asked him why he wasn't staying the night all he said was that you didn't want him to.”

He was so beautiful tonight. So beautiful.

The memory hit him like a train. He knew what he meant. He had obviously been ranting drunkenly about how beautiful Remus was. But Remus couldn't have known that and because he had been on a date earlier that night, Sirius understood how that might have seemed.

“Did he say I didn't want him there…or didn't want him?”

“I don't know he was- wait- did you tell him you didn't want him?” James looked horrified, and slightly disappointed in his best friend.

“Yes. No. Kind of- I- I was drunk and I was talking about him but I didn't say his name and was vague and I think he might have thought I was talking about someone else I don't-”

Sirius stopped talking. It made sense and he was sure that is what had to have happened, but that meant one thing…

“Remus was upset because he thought I didn't want him?”

“Seems like it.”

“But- but that would mean-” he looked at James with big hopeful eyes, “Do you think that he-”

James shrugged again, “Don't know. Maybe. It seems like it. But I think you should go talk to him either way because even if that’s not the case he was really upset and-”

“I need to go talk to him.” Sirius stood up with gusto, hangover practically depleted.

“That’s what I just said-”

“I need to brush my teeth, I can't talk to him with a gross breath.” Sirius practically sprinted into the bathroom and started furiously brushing his teeth, James still sitting on his bed confused by the sudden passion about oral hygiene.

It was only a few short moments before he came running out of his bathroom and towards his bedroom door.

“Oi!”

Sirius turned back to a protesting James.

“In case you forgot, I am leaving for two weeks.”

Sirius grinned over at his best friend, his brother, and ran over to him, taking his head in both of his hands and giving him a big kiss on the cheek.

James laughed as Sirius ran out, determined to make things right with Remus, once and for all.

He started out slow, walking, not wanting to be out of breath when he finally reached Remus’ flat. He hoped Remus would hear him out, he hoped that maybe things could be mended again.

That's when his mind started to wander.

Sirius looked at him and smiled the biggest smile Remus had ever seen. Then, with his free hand plucked the joint from between their entwined fingers, took a quick puff, put it out on the ground next to him, then grabbed Remus’ face with his once more free hand and kissed him. It was just a peck, but Remus saw the green light and went for it. He threw himself over Sirius and leaned down, kissing him hard. 

Their first kiss. Sirius walked faster.

After many minutes, Sirius was finally able to strip Remus down to his boxers and tuck him into bed. Sirius took off his shirt, slid into some pajama bottoms, and climbed into bed next to Remus, turning him on his side in case he got sick and pulling his back against his chest.

Remus and Sirius laying in bed together. Sirius picked up the pace.

They serenaded each other with lyrics and danced around in the dim light together, twirling underneath each other's arms and stealing chaste kisses during the chorus. Tea, homework, and stress long forgotten as Sirius takes Remus into his arms and dips him, kissing him passionately on the way back up.

The way they danced in the kitchen. Sirius started jogging.

Remus shot up from where he was sitting on Sirius’ bed and began pacing back and forth. Fighting with everything in him to not cry, or to come up with some groundbreaking argument that would surely change Sirius’ mind. His hands were tugging on his hair and his teeth were biting down painfully on his lower lip as he tried to refrain from breaking down into even more tears. He stopped pacing and looked over at Sirius. He opened his mouth to declare some great justification of why they should stay together and fight whatever depression was eating at them as a couple, but when he saw Sirius looking at him with his big sad eyes that seemed to hold the entire world in them, he had nothing to say. So instead, he turned and left Sirius’ place.

Sirius stopped.

The thought of hurting Remus again, of ruining him again was the worst thought in the world. What if he showed up at Remus’ door and made some grand declaration just for it all to come crashing down in a devastating mess again? What if Remus really didn't want him anymore?

Sirius looked up from the ground breathing heavily, he was outside of Remus’ building. He thought about everything over and over again, and out of fear, he turned and began a slow walk away from Remus.

Then he stopped.

His phone was in his pocket, but it had begun playing music. 

Sirius pulled his phone out and looked down at the screen. It was playing music from spotify. He had not been on spotify in months, he had almost forgotten that the app was still on his phone. He looked at it closer. The song playing was from a playlist called, “I Love You, Sirius Black.”

“I linked our spotify accounts, so we share one now basically. So when we miss each other we can just play songs for each other.” Sirius said nothing back, just smiled at him, “Awfully romantic on my part if I do say so myself.” Sirius looked down at his phone and saw the two pinned playlists, one he recognized as his own called “Remus John Lupin<3” and another that he did not, labeled, “I Love You, Sirius Black”. Suddenly his phone started playing a song from the second playlist…one that he didn't click on. He looked up and saw Remus holding his phone, the same song playing with a bashful grin. “This way you'll always know.”

Sirius turned to face Remus’ apartment building.

He began running.

Sprinting.

He ran up the staircases leading up to Remus’ place with all the speed he could muster, nearly knocking poor a passersby down, but he didn't care, he needed to see Remus.

He hadn't even known what he was doing until he blinked and found himself pounding on Remus’ door. He didn't know how long he had been kncoking for, but eventually the door swung open from behind his fist to reveal Remus.

Remus had not looked up to see who it was, his eyes were sad and there were a few stray tears still wet on his cheeks as his headphone wires hung down to frame around his head. He finally looked up to see Sirius staring at him, breathing heavy and his eyes wide with an alien intensity in them.

He quickly wiped away the tears and cleared his throat, Sirius’ eyes not leaving his face once.

“Sirius, hi.” He looked up to meet Sirius’ wild gaze, “What are you doing here? Is something wrong?”

Sirius looked at him for a second, not saying anything, then he stepped into his space, “Yes.” he grabbed his face and kissed him.

For a small moment, it was just Sirius’ desperate lips against Remus’ frozen ones. Then Remus truly realized what was happening, he slowly closed his eyes and moved his hesitant lips against Sirius', praying to not wake up to find it all to be a cruel dream.

Sirius pulled away, dropping his hands to Remus' shoulders. “Rey, I'm so fucking sorry. God, I can't even count how many times you've heard me say that but I swear, Remus there's no one else. Last night I wasn't talking about the bloke from the date I was on, I was talking about you and how beautiful you are. Remus, bloody hell, I'm so sorry. I know this might sound ridiculous and I know it's most likely far too late but I want us back. I'll fight for you this time, okay? I Love You so much and I don't want to be without you anymore I just-”

“Shut up.” Remus interrupted Sirius’ frantic rambling, pulling him in by the back of his neck and kissing him.

They both put everything into the kiss. All the frustration and heartbreak, but also all of the yearning and love. Neither of them had ever kissed, or been kissed like this, doubted if anyone ever had. Because this kiss, in that moment, was something truly unlike anything else.

“I Love You.” Sirius mumbled against Remus’ lips instead of taking in a breath. He didn't want to breathe anyways if it meant ceasing his kissing with Remus.

“I Love You, too.” Remus gasped into a searing kiss as he let his hands run down Sirius’ body and down to his hips. He grabbed Sirius by the fabric of the sweatpants he was wearing and dragged him into his studio, vowing to himself to keep kissing Sirius until he physically couldn't any longer.

It almost seemed like a mirage. Being together like this again. Both of them feared that they would wake up and find it was just a prank their mind had pulled on them while they slept, but every time they opened their eyes, the other was still there. Still there kissing him, still there touching him, still there telling him how much he loves and missed him. There were moments where it felt like nothing had changed at all, yet it was so obvious that everything had. 

They had fallen apart and turned into versions of themselves that they had hardly recognized, but despite all of the bullshit and the hurt, they had come back together in a dramatic and beguiling way that only made sense for them.

Despite it all, their love had won.