chasing a feeling
“They're gonna start to think you hate them.”
Lily must have been on a party planning kick because now that finals were officially over, she planned to have a night in with takeout food and a lot of alcohol. How else would you celebrate finishing up a semester?
But despite being invited to both the dinner the week before and the finishing finals celebration, Alex informed Sirius that he wouldn’t be going to this event just like he hadn't gone to the last.
“Maybe I just hate you.” He said with a smirk on his lips that were currently around a cigarette that they were passing back and forth.
“You could never hate me, I’m too pretty.” Sirius snatched the cigarette from out of his finger, giving it a long drag, “You should come though, everyone will be drunk so it should be fairly interesting.”
“Already told you I can’t.”
“Why not?”
“I've got plans with that guy again.”
Sirius sat up from his former position of laying down with his head hanging over the bed, one of the most comfortable positions in his opinion, “Bloody hell! Again. He must be quite the lad to have you going back to him.”
Alex glared at Sirius and stole the cig back from him, “He’s nice and he’s a good shag, alright.”
Sirius gave him a mischievous smile. He jumped onto his feet and began to swoon dramatically, “Oh he’s in love! My ickle Alex has fallen in love! Who is going to makeout with me when I’m high now!”
Alex stuck a leg out, sending Sirius toppling down onto the bed, “I’m not in love you bastard!” They both laughed, “And don't get all heartbroken on me, you’ll always be my number one.” He said sarcastically with a messy, wet kiss on his jaw.
“Alright then, really, who is this bloke that you’ve ditched me twice for?”
Alex reached into his back pocket and pulled out his phone, unlocking it and scrolling through his dating app to find a picture.
“His name is Henry.”
Sirius’ face dropped and paled. He shook himself out of it. Surely there was more than one lad in the area that had the name Henry and was into men, it’s not a particularly uncommon name like his own. Besides, Henry would never cheat on Remus, it’s Remus after all…
Alex held out his phone to Sirius, and his face dropped again.
Henry.
It really was Henry.
It was Henry in that stupid red cap that he was wearing the night Remus had introduced them and he had that same dirty smile in his profile picture that he had seen him give Remus.
Sirius let his eyes wander to the messages between Alex and Henry. Henry had been so flirty and down right filthy at times, it seemed completely opposite to the Henry he had spoken to on the few occasions…but it was him, it was undoubtely him.
A feeling of disgust and sickness rose in Sirius’ stomach and up his throat, how someone could be so dirty with someone else while in a relationship was so beyond him, suddenly the feeling of sickness turned to anger. Because it wasn’t just any other person that Henry was seeing, it was Remus. HIS Remus. Remus was so obviously happy and starting to truly fall for Henry. His Remus would never hurt a fly and hates being sad. Remus has a piece of dark chocolate with his tea every morning because he believes that it makes the day start out better. His Remus who has the biggest heart and loves so intensely. Remus, the most incredible, beautiful, caring, loving soul in the world who had no idea that his boyfriend was sleeping with other men.
It was starting to add up in Sirius’ head. How unattached he seemed with Remus when they were out at dinner. How he refrained from being touchy with him and he had left early after being on his phone. He left early, and Alex hadn’t come because he wanted to get ready to meet up with someone…Henry.
“Sirius? You alright, mate?” Alex nudged Sirius with his shoulder to snap him out of his haze.
Sirius snapped up to meet Alex’s gaze, then quickly back at the phone to double check that he was, indeed, not going mad with jealousy and it really was Henry.
“Yeah it’s just uh…” Sirius let out a bitter laugh, his face slightly red, “I know him.”
“You do?” Alex, seemingly unaware of the cruel knowledge that Sirius had laughed, “Small world innit?”
“Very.”
Alex noticed the off tone in Sirius’ voice, then he realized that Sirius’ face was showing nothing but two very strong emotions, anger and downright hatred.
Alex hesitated to ask his next question and it was obvious in his tone, “How exactly do you know him, Sirius?”
Sirius pushed off the bed, still fuming, “That’s Remus’ prick boyfriend.”
Alex looked down at his phone then back at a now pacing Sirius, “You're joking.”
“How could he do that to Remus? Remus likes him so much and he’s just going to go out and shag random men he meets on the internet?”
“I can’t believe I was shagging a taken man, I’m a homewrecker.”
“Does he not realize how perfect of a boyfriend he’s got? Remus is the most beautiful fucking man I've ever met and he literally just went out and broke his heart like that?”
“Bloody hell I’m glad we used protection…if he’s cheating and on an app like this there’s no way I’m the only other bloke he’s shagging.”
“Remus was fine. He was happy. And I just wanted him to be happy so I stopped starting trouble with that little git and now he’s gone and done this?”
“I’m never meeting up with him ever again.”
“You have to!”
For the first time since he revealed Henry’s dirty little secret, Sirius had acknowledged Alex.
“What! No way! I’m not a homewrecker! I’m not seeing him anymore! He’s got a boyfriend!”
“Yes. And his boyfriend is someone I happen to love very much and I need to tell him that his boyfriend is a giant wanker so that he doesn’t get hurt more than he already will.”
“What’s that got to do with me?”
“If you cancel on him tonight, I’m sure he will show up to get together with Remus, but if you stick to your plans, then Remus will come alone and I will be able to safely and gently tell him the truth.”
“But I really don’t want-”
“Alex, please.” Sirius sounded so desperate, more desperate than he wanted to, “I know you might be thinking that I’m doing this for my own personal gain, that I’m exposing Henry in hopes that Remus will come back to me, and despite how tempting that all sounds, I’m not. I need to tell Remus because Remus deserves to know. I need to tell Remus because I can't bear to even imagine how hurt he will be if he finds out down the line and he’s grown more attached to Henry. Please, Alex…not for me, for Remus.”
“It's a bit odd of me to be meeting up with a man’s boyfriend for his own sake, but because you’re pretty and you scare me when you get all intense like this, I’ll keep my plans with Henry tonight…”
Sirius let out a wide grin and basically tackled Alex to the bed, giving him a wet kiss on the cheek.
“But I’m not sleeping with him!”
“You don't have to…just keep him off of his phone and away from the party.”
Sirius was trying to hide his visible stress all night. He purposely stayed away from Remus in case anyone who might be around started asking Remus about Henry because Sirius didn’t trust himself to not say or do something stupid.
He needed to tell Remus privately, and in a mature, thoughtful way…the last thing he needed was a blowup like the one at the party where he ‘warned’ Henry about Remus. If only he knew then that it was Remus that was going to be the one getting hurt…
His plan was going great, which surprised even him, but he was prepared for it to go wrong somehow, like it always did for him…
“So, Remus…where is your big hunk of eye candy tonight?”
Of course it was Marlene who brought him up…
All of their friends were sitting in the crowded living room of Peter’s flat. They were all sipping on their drinks, passing along bowls of crisps and candy, and all taking turns exchanging stories and small talk.
Remus smiled. A soft, very gentle smile. One that absolutely crushed Sirius’ heart because he knew that after tonight…that smile probably wouldn’t pop up for a while.
“He took an extra shift at work, he’s trying to save up for summer.”
All of their friends let out collective “Ah”s of understanding, while Sirius covered his angry eye roll by taking a drink. He did, however, let out a tiny little, “Yeah, right.”
Not loud enough for anyone to hear the actual words, but loud enough for everyone to know that he had, indeed, said something that went unheard.
“I’m sorry, mate, what was that?” Remus was looking at him, acknowledging him, and he looked actually interested in what Sirius had to say. Sirius knew that Remus probably felt bad for having not heard Sirius properly and wanted to make sure his voice was heard…after all he had been oddly quiet tonight and if he had something to say, people should hear it.
It was the understanding of the fact that Remus still cared about Sirius enough to want to hear a funny little comment of his at a party that made him hate Henry even more. He also couldn't stand one more second of Remus not knowing.
“Rey, can we go into the kitchen for a second? I really need to talk to you.”
Everyone in the room went silent and Remus looked at him confused, “About what?”
“Please, Rey.”
“Why can’t you just talk to me out here?”
Sirius didn’t say anything for a second. Instead he opted to look deeply into Remus’ eyes hoping that he could somehow non-verbally communicate to him just how important this conversation was and how it definitely needed to not be said in front of all their friends.
The message must have been received, because Remus looked more concerned than confused, “Alright.” He stood up and followed Sirius into the kitchen.
The second they were alone and out of earshot of the others, Remus turned to him, “What’s going on Sirius?”
He took a few deep breaths, “I have to tell you something.”
“What?’
Sirius bit his lip.
“Sirius, you're starting to scare me…”
“It’s about Henry.”
Remus stood up straight. He was taken back, he had not expected Sirius to say that. He looked at him skeptically, “What about Henry?”
“He’s not working an extra shift tonight.”
“The fuck are you talking about?”
Sirius could tell Remus was close to getting angry. He knew he had to word this carefully and hope to not upset him more than he surely was going to just from the news alone.
“He’s not working tonight, Remus. He’s meeting up with someone tonight. He’s cheating on you, Remus.”
Remus said nothing. His initial face was shock, then confusion. He looked away from Sirius, and when he turned back, anger.
“You're fucking pathetic, Sirius, you know that?”
Sirius was taken back. He didn’t think he had said it poorly, “Remus-”
“You hate Henry so much, you resent my happiness and my relationship with him so much that you're willing to make up a lie like that? What the fuck is wrong with you?” He spit the words out like they were venom poisoning his mouth.
“I’m not making anything up Remus-”
“Please! You've probably been waiting for the day where he wouldn't come along so you could feed me this story. Your apology was fake wasn't it? A way to get on our good side? A way to make me trust you so when you told me this lie I would believe it?”
Sirius became not only angry, but defensive. He had been nothing but genuine that night. He hadn't done it out of spite or for some twisted mind game. Did Remus really think that lowly of him?
“It’s not a lie, Remus! I’m trying to be nice and warn you about your cheating boyfriend!”
Remus shook his head, bitterly.
“Don’t believe me? Check his phone when he gets back tonight. You know what you’ll see? Dating apps and dirty messages to men. You know how I know that? Alex. Alex is one of the many men Henry has been fucking behind your back. In fact, it’s Alex that’s with him tonight.”
“So Alex is in on it too?” Remus was still playing angry, but he was starting to question whether what Sirius was saying might be true. His eyes were welling up with tears, though he couldn't tell if they were from anger towards Sirius, or possible hurt towards Henry.
“He’s not in on anything, there’s nothing to be in on! Alex was with him last week when he left dinner early but I hadn’t known that until today when he showed me a picture of the guy he was hooking up with and that guy happened to be your boyfriend! Alex wanted to cancel on him tonight but I told him not to so that I could tell you this!”
Remus just looked upset at this point, he looked in denial. He was in denial. Henry had been so kind to him, so great to him. Henry had helped him get over Sirius and move on. He couldn't have been cheating on him this whole time, he couldn't have, “You're lying. You've always hated him and now your getting back at me for saying that I hated you and wished I never dated you-”
“I’m not lying, Remus! I'm not saying this as any kind of payback, I'm saying this because you deserve to know the truth!”
For a second they just looked at each other. Remus was doing everything he could to hold back tears and keep his hard shell, a shell that was cracking and breaking with every second. Sirius was in disbelief. How could Remus seriously think him low enough to lie about something like this?
“If you don't believe me, ask him yourself.” Sirius started for the door and paused just before he left, “I was just trying to help.”
Remus didn't watch as Sirius left.
He didn't turn to look at him.
Didn't even acknowledge his final words in any way.
He just stared at the wall in front of him with tears in his eyes, wanting to wake up from this nightmare.
Remus rolled onto his back, his bare skin hitting the bed, beads of sweat clinging to his forehead, and a blissful smile on his face.
He bit his bottom lip and he turned his head to look over at Sirius who was in a similar state.
Sensing Remus’ watchful eyes on him, he turned his head to meet his gaze. An even bigger smile broke out on his face and he crashed his lips into Remus’, rolling to lay on his chest. When the kiss broke Sirius rubbed their noses together and whispered breathlessly, “You fucking amaze me, Remus Lupin.”
Remus’ smile mirrored Sirius’ immense one, “And I fucking Love You, Sirius Black.” Threading his fingers into the messy waves on the back of Sirius’ head and bringing their mouth’s together for a passionate kiss.
Their kiss seemed to last eternity, and neither of them minded. Neither of them found any harm or shame in the idea of spending whatever time the world had left kissing each other like this. They hardly came up for air, the other boy was their oxygen, the thing keeping them alive and going, and they loved it.
They loved being each other's favorite person. Each other's rays of sunshine in a forever winter. They didn't need anything but this, anything but each other, anything but their lips colliding.
They reluctantly broke apart, but stayed close together. They didn't break eye contact for a single second while Sirius rolled onto his back, bringing Remus on top of him and pulling his head into his chest.
Remus was taller than Sirius, not by a significant amount, but enough to make it so he had to curl up into a ball to lay comfortably like this with Sirius. He didn’t mind doing it though, in fact…he preferred it. He loved how when they would lay like this, Sirius would run his hands through his curls and over the dips and bends in his waist and back. The way Sirius would kiss his head, cheeks, forehead, the bridge of his nose. He loved falling asleep to the sound of Sirius humming him some corny love song and the beating of his heart that somehow always matched it.
The comfort Remus felt around Sirius, especially when they were like this, was a feeling that Remus would spend his entire life chasing if he had to…but he didn’t have to. Because he was Sirius’ and Sirius was his.
Remus rolled onto his back, his bare skin hitting the bed, beads of sweat clinging to his forehead, and a blank expression on his face.
Remus had left Peter’s place nearly right after Sirius and had gone straight back to his place. He had sat on the couch, looking into empty space playing back everything Sirius had said over and over again, trying to convince himself that it was all lies and Sirius was just being a jealous prick, but the more he thought about it, the more it started to make sense and the more he had to do his best to push back tears.
Henry had come over not long after. Remus had fully intended on talking to Henry about what Sirius had said…but the moment Henry had walked through the door he was on him, kissing him passionately and pulling him towards the bed.
Remus hadn’t wanted to have sex with him, not really, but the longer Henry kissed him and ran his hands along his body he couldn't help but go back on everything he had been thinking. Maybe Henry wasn’t bored of him or over him if he was kissing him like that. Maybe it was in his head or some cruel prank that Sirius had pulled out of his arse.
But now Remus was laying on his back, with an empty feeling in his chest that was trying to carve a dark hole into his heart.
He hoped for a feeling of comfort, something that would bring some form of light into the dark desolate feeling, but nothing happened.
All that happened was Henry rolling over for a split second to give him a momentary kiss on his head before rolling out of bed, leaving Remus alone and sad.
Remus rolled onto his side and pushed back tears.
He was sad.
And he was tired.
Tired from chasing a feeling.
Remus woke up feeling just as empty and lonely as he had the night before. Still laying on his side facing the wall and away from everything. In fact, he wasn’t sure if Henry was even still there until he heard him groan from the other side of the bed as he sat up and began putting on his clothes.
Remus stayed still, trying to decide how he wanted to go about the conversation he needed to have with him. Even if it wasn’t true, he needed to tell him what he had been told.
After a few minutes he sat up to look over at Henry who was across his studio flat on the large sofa, bent over his phone.
“Henry.”
No response.
“Henry.”
“Yes, Remus?”
“Can we talk for a moment?”
“Uh huh.”
“No, Henry please, this is serious will you come over here and-”
He was interrupted by Henry chuckling over something that was on his phone. Henry hadn’t even been listening to Remus saying he wanted to talk. He couldn't tell if he was feeling hurt or angry.
“Check his phone when he gets back tonight. You know what you’ll see? Dating apps and dirty messages to men.”
“Who are you texting?”
That got his attention. Henry looked up at Remus for a moment, shifting uncomfortably and then back down at his phone, “Uh- no one. Just friends from work.”
“Can I see your phone please, Henry?”
Henry didn't even look up at him, “What?”
“Give me your phone, Henry.”
Henry looked up at him. He looked as if he had just been disrespected in some big monumental way, “I’m not giving you my phone.”
“Why not?”
“Because it’s none of your damn business Remus that’s why!” Henry never yelled. He was always very calm and quiet, but he had just yelled at Remus. That’s how he knew everything that Sirius had told him was true. He immediately began to cry.
“Because you're cheating on me.” It wasn’t a question and they both knew it.
“What?”
“You're cheating on me. You don't have to lie, I already know you are.”
Henry stared at him quietly for a moment. Then he scoffed, “God, Remus I don't know where you get these ideas from-”
“I know Alex. Your date from last night, and last week. I know him. I know you're cheating on me.”
Henry said nothing again. Then he looked down at the phone still in his hands before tossing it onto the floor in front of him.
Remus let the tears flow freely now. His hands started shaking and his nose started feeling kind of tingly and funny like he had just been hit in the face. It felt more like he had just been shot in the chest.
“How could you? How could you just do that? We were happy Henry! How could you just throw away all of our happiness! How could you do this to me when I have been nothing but good to you!”
“Don't fucking start with that bullshit, Remus.”
Remus was taken back by his tone. He didn't sound remotely upset, or sorry at all.
“What?”
“Don't sit there and act all innocent and say you did nothing wrong.”
“I didn't cheat!”
“You might as well have!”
“What?”
“For the love of god Remus don't. You may not have gone out and shagged anyone but you might as well have! You were never over Sirius! You're still not over Sirius!”
“You don't know what you're talking about-”
“Please cut the shit, Remus. I cheated on you. I fucked a few guys whatever, you've spent this entire relationship in love with someone else. What was I supposed to do?”
“Not cheat on me.” Remus chose not to comment on what Henry had just accused him of, mostly because he knew that if he opened that door himself he probably wouldn't have enjoyed any sort of realization that would come out of it.
“I'm guessing we’re over then?”
“Yeah.” Remus stayed seated on the side of the bed that he was on as Henry grabbed his stuff and left.
After he was gone, Remus rolled onto his back and buried himself beneath the covers as he cried himself to sleep, an all too familiar feeling.