I Love You

Sirius and Remus were sitting on the ground next to the small Christmas tree in Remus’ even smaller flat.

Their feet were covered by matching fuzzy socks, that Hope had sent in advance, and their chests’ in two of Remus’ jumpers. The two boys looked like a picture out of a holiday card with the red and white lights of the tree twinkling around their heads and their red noses and cheeks, but no matter how cheesy they looked, they were happy.

Remus would be heading home on Christmas Eve, which was the next morning, so the couple were exchanging their gifts now.

“Okay, now close your eyes.”

“If it’s wrapped in a box why do I have to close my eyes?” Sirius laughed as he closed his eyes anyway.

“Just do it.” Remus reached to the back of the tree to grab the box that contained Sirius’ gift. He went to place the box on his lap then paused just for a second to place a chaste kiss on his lips.

Sirius kept his eyes closed through the quick kiss, with a soft smile on his lips, and did not look until Remus told him he could.

After being given the o.k, he slowly opened his eyes and opened the box in his lap.

His smile grew wider with every item he pulled out. First was two new records, a Queen album that he loves as well as an Arctic Monkeys one. The next thing was a small velvet bag filled with new rings, Remus says it's because he has a habit of losing them but in reality, it’s because Remus likes to wear them and often forgets to give them back. The last thing in the box was a note.

“A note?” Sirius looked at him with a lovesick smirk.

“Shut up.” Remus, suddenly embarrassed, buried his face in his jumper.

Sirius moved the box off of his laugh and slid across the floor and into Remus’ space. He littered kisses to the top of his head, causing Remus to burst out into a fit of giggles.

“It’s incredibly cheesy, Rey, but it's adorable and I love it.” He placed the note in the box to read later, “Can I give you my gift now?” Remus removed his face from its hiding place and rested his chin on his knees, giving Sirius a quick nod.

Sirius handed Remus a gift bag and sat close by, excited to see him open it. Remus removed all of the tissue paper to reveal camera film and a very large photo album book.

“It’s so you can have a proper place to store all of the photos you take, so you don't have to keep piling them up in that old shoe box under your bed.”

Remus leaned forward and kissed his cheek. “I love it. I Love You.”

Sirius grinned, a big, proper smile, “I Love You too.”

Remus was sitting on the floor next to the tree at his parent’s house. As much as he tried not to, it was hard to not linger on the memory from last Christmas with Sirius. They were still so new…but they were also so happy and so in love, it was difficult to acknowledge the difference then and now…painful too.

Hope came into the room then, holding two mugs of hot chocolate. She handed one to Remus and sat in the empty spot next to him.

“Thanks.”

"How are you feeling?"

Remus had a lie ready for this exact moment, except he had forgotten that he is completely incapable of lying to his mum.

"I'm alright. I've been better, of course, but it's getting better."

"By 'it' you mean your breakup with Sirius?"

Remus turned his gaze to the mug in his hands.

Hope reached out and placed her hand on his cheek, pulling his eyes back to hers, "I'm right aren't I?"

Remus silently nodded in reply.

"You know, talking about it makes it feel better faster, and you haven't really talked to me about it. I'm here, you know that don't you, love?"

"I know, mum. It's just-" He turned his face away from hers, looking over at the lights on the tree. He couldn't help but think about how the white lights were so similar to the sparkle that would show up in Sirius' eyes every time he got excited about something, mostly whenever he was excited about getting up to no good. "I know how much you liked him, mum. I don't want to disappoint you."

"Disappoint me? How on earth would you be disappointing me by going through a heartbreak?"

Remus laughed at himself. When she put it like that, it did sound pretty ridiculous. "I just don't want you to be sad about it. I'm already sad enough for the both of us."

Hope Lupin moved from sitting in front of her son to his side. She wrapped her arm around his shoulder and pulled him into her. He rested his head on her shoulder as she lovingly ran a hand through his curly hair.

"Remus, I love Sirius Black. I really do. I think he is a great young man with a big heart. And I absolutely adore you two together. That being said, you...are my son, and you're hurting. And no matter how much I adore Sirius Black, I Love You more."

Remus' eyes started to water and she held him all the tighter.

"I want you to be happy, love. With or without Sirius."

He lifted his head from her shoulder and looked at her. "But what if I can only be happy with Sirius?"

Hope placed both of her hands on either side of her son's face. Looking at him with a fierce intensity that showed that she meant what she was about to say with all of the seriousness in the world. 

"You listen to me. You, Remus Lupin, decide how you are going to live. You decide your happiness, no one else. Sirius Black does not define you or your happiness. He can add to it, make it better if that's what you wish...but he is not the only thing that decides if you are happy or not, you are. Alright?"

He had small tears falling down his cheek. He nodded.

"I want you to be happy, Remus. With or without Sirius."

He nodded once again and then leaned into his mum, giving her a hug that he had no idea he needed. They stayed like that for a while. Her holding him tightly just like he was a small boy again, like she would when he would come to her in the night after a bad dream. 

He let the words she had spoken sink in, making sure that he took every word and felt the truth of them.

He decided that he would play Hope Lupin's words in his head over and over again until he 100% believed them himself. Until he was happy with or without Sirius.

At the Potter's, Sirius sat on the floor of the living room next to the big tree that James' parents put up every year, holding his knees against his chest and looking at the way the lights twinkled softly.

Suddenly, he felt a hand on his back and when he looked up he saw nearly an identical image.

It never failed to amaze Sirius just how alike he and his younger brother, Regulus looked. When most people met them for the first time, they often thought they were twins, or the same person. 

Regulus, however, was slightly taller (which annoyed Sirius heavily) and his teeth were slightly crooked and uneven, though that didn't change how charming his smile was. His eyes were a few shades darker and his hair was curler and more rough than Sirius'...dashingly handsome nonetheless.

"What are you doing here?" Sirius smiled up at his brother as he took a seat on the floor next to him, his legs straight out in front of him and leaning back on his hands.

"What? I can't visit my brother on Christmas? Blimey, and here I was thinking you would be happy to see me." He grinned his crooked smile and Sirius kicked his leg lightly.

"I am happy to see you, Reg. How have you been?"

"Better than you, I suppose?"

Sirius rolled his eyes and turned back to the tree, "Heard about that then?"

"James told me." Regulus paused for just a moment, before nudging Sirius with his shoulder, getting his attention back, "Really though, Sirius, how did you fuck it up with Remus so badly?"

Sirius groaned and leaned his head against his knees.

"I was a fucking idiot-"

"You don't say."

"-for some reason my brain just started to convince me that we were fighting because we were broken. And Remus- well Remus really fought back against our arguments, really tried to make it better after. And my stupid fucking brain came up with the marvelous idea that if Remus Lupin couldn't fix something, then it was done for and should just be disposed of. And like a fucking idiot, I listened to my brain and disposed of it."

"So you're a dumbass."

"Yeah, I'm a dumbass."

"You do know that a relationship is a two-way thing right? Like you also have to work on it? You also have to fight for it."

"I know."

"Then why didn't you?"

Sirius sat silently for a while. Why didn't he? Why didn't he tell his brain to shut it? Why did he give up. "I think it's because I thought Remus deserved better, he does deserve better. He doesn't deserve to be in a relationship with a prick like me. He shouldn't have to wake up everyday and fight to be in love with someone. He deserves to have it easy, and be with someone who makes it easy for him. I think that's why. I think I just wanted to give Remus a chance to have something better."

Regulus looked at him for a moment, deciding if he was satisfied with Sirius' answer. "I see where you are coming from, I do but-" Regulus shifted his weight, as if trying to decide how to say what he wanted to say, "It's not really up to you is it?"

Sirius looked at him like he was mad, "What do you mean?"

"It's not up to you to decide what Remus deserves. It's really up to him. If he thinks he deserves better than you, then that's his choice, but it seems like he didn't think that. He wanted you. He chose you. And you don't 'fight' to be in love, that makes it sound like you have a say in it, which you don't. You don't get to pick and choose who you fall in love with, or who falls in love with you. If you could, life would be a lot easier."

They both smiled, knowing how painfully true that was.

"So you think I should try to fight for him back?"

"I think you should stop being a prick and making decisions based on the things that horrid brain of yours makes up at 2am."

Sirius smiled down at the ground, amused by how well Regulus knew him, despite the distance that was once between them. 

That night after a night of celebrating the holiday with the Potter's, Sirius excused himself to go to his room, claiming he was tired and ready for bed.

But up in his room, he stood upon his desk chair as he searched the back of his closet for something. He found it after a short time and carried the object over to his bed.

In his hands, was an empty, old, burnt out candle jar, stuffed full with small meaningful items. Sirius dumped to contents out onto his bed and sifted through the small artifacts until he found the one thing he was looking for:

The letter Remus had written him last Christmas.

Sirius,

I know its corny writing you a love note but youll just have to fucking deal.

I Love You, you big prat.

Just thought I should tell you, even though I already tell you 100x a day - once more can't hurt.

This holiday has been the best one yet, because I have you as a boyfriend which by the way is absolutely brilliant.

Here's to many more, love!

Sirius read the note again and again. He kept expecting to cry, and a few times he got awfully close, but at the end of the night, he traced the ink on the paper with his fingers, going over the small loops that Remus' penmanship contained with a smile. He couldn't help to think that he had so much in common with this small, worn out little paper.

They, at one point, had the privilege of being held by Remus, had the privilege of having his gentle hands on them, and both had been victims of the sheer poetry that was Remus Lupin.

It was odd to think about, being one with a piece of paper, Sirius figured if anyone had heard these thoughts, they would have thought him mad.

But in a strange way, he knew that he would be okay with it, because he was mad. Mad for Remus, mad for ever letting him go, mad for keeping this blasted letter after a year. 

Sirius fell asleep not long after, content with his madness, the letter still in his hand.