butter and salt
Sirius and Remus were sitting on opposite ends of Lily’s tiny kitchen table. James and Lily were in the kitchen, just a few feet away, making breakfast while giggling amongst themselves. The two boys however were feeling a lot less giddy and a lot more awkward.
They had kissed last night. They had been high off their arses, but they had still kissed. Neither of them really knew what to say, but both of them wanted to do it again.
“Hi.” Remus spoke first, feeling sudden courage bubbling in his chest.
“Hi.” Sirius replied, breathless and with shaky hands…he really wanted to kiss Remus again. And he probably would have if James hadn't been kissing on Lily right next to them.
Despite the urge to lay one on Remus, Sirius was able to carry a conversation with the pretty boy sitting across from him.
At one point, James and Lily’s giggling got quieter and they excused themselves to the living room, to snog no doubt, while the breakfast they had been preparing finished up cooking.
“How are your classes going?” Sirius leaned forward on his elbows, to get a closer look at Remus.
Remus gave him a big smile and jumped into an excited talk about the classes he was taking in Uni.
Sirius sat and listened to every single word he said. He also watched. He watched every small change in his face as he talked. He watched every slight movement of his body. He watched his eyes travel down his own face and pause just for a slight second on his lips. Sirius went for it.
He quickly leaned across the table and kissed Remus.
He pulled away just as fast, feeling awkward once again…yet very excited at the same time.
“Sorry. I didn't mean to interrupt you there I just, uh- I-” he could feel his face heating up and he just knew that his face was covered in a dark blush, “Shit, sorry. Uh-” He was quickly turning into a sputtering mess and was expecting Remus to be completely turned off but was delighted when he heard him laugh.
His eyes had crinkles around the corner as well as light pink blush across his nose and on his cheek bones. He was laughing, then he was smiling, then he was leaning in and kissing Sirius back.
They both had their elbows on the table as they met in the middle, their hands in the touching in the center of the table.
It was a completely different kiss than the one from last night. Much less frantic and heated. This one was tender and soft and it sent butterflies off in Remus, making everything from his head to his toes flutter with ecstasy.
Suddenly, the two boys were interrupted by a loud wolf whistle coming from the doorway, the culprit being none other than a shaggy haired boy with round glasses and a shit-eating grin.
“Well would you look at these little love birds.” James sent them both a quick wink.
“Piss off, Potter.” Sirius set his head against the table to hide his blush and his giant smile.
Remus just laughed and grinned across at him, undeniably happy.
Sirius and Remus haven't talked since the day they returned their items to each other. It had been hard on everyone. Their big friend group hadn't been together since the breakup and they were all growing tired of it. Especially Lily.
Lily is a very social person, and someone who cared a whole lot about her friends and their well-being. Not being able to have all of her friends in one place has been driving her up the wall mad. She couldn't take it anymore.
“Lils, love…are you sure this is a good idea?” James was lying shirtless in her bed, stretching his arms above his head, “I miss the gang being together too, but everything is still so delicate with Remus and Sirius. They've only just given each other their things back and from what I heard it didn't go so well.”
“That was a week ago, James. I'm sure it's all fine now.” Lily finished brushing her hair in her mirror and made her way over to sit next to James, “and if it's not they better figure it out because I'm having that movie night whether they like it or not.”
James laughed and picked up her hand, placing a light kiss on her wrist, “I'm on board with whatever makes you happy, love.”
Lily rolled her eyes and smiled fondly at her incredibly cheesy boyfriend, “Don't be such a kiss up.” and leaned forward to give him a small kiss on his forehead.
It was the night of Lily’s planned movie night. She had made all of their friends promise to be there and promise to be on their best behavior. This was happening and it was going to go well, whether everyone liked it or not.
Everyone but Sirius was there…he was on his way but still making everyone wait on him.
Their friends were spread throughout Lily’s flat, and Remus found himself in the kitchen making popcorn.
“Hi.” Remus turned around and immediately wished he hadn't. Lily’s roommate, Shari, had come into the kitchen to join him. Shari was always very open about fancying Remus and it often made him very uncomfortable because she would openly, and aggressively, flirt with him.
“Hey, Shari…are you uh- staying for the movie?” He really hoped she wasn't.
“No I've already got plans for tonight, thought I'd come in and say hi before I left.”
“Oh well uh- have a nice night.”
“I will, though I bet I would have a lot more fun if I were spending the night with you.” Her suggestive comment made Remus blush heavily and he didn't really know what to say back, luckily he didn't have to. “Have a nice night Remus.”
She left with a flirtatious grin and once-over glance.
“Blimey. She still hasn't a clue, has she?”
Remus turned to see that Sirius had shown up and came into the kitchen from the other hallway…and had witnessed Shari flirting with him.
“Yeah. Seems she's as bold as ever.”
They shared an awkward and forced laugh before stopping to just look at each other. They were both pulled back into a moment from a little over a year ago, where they had kissed for the second time in this exact kitchen. They both ignored the shift of energy around them and the strong pull that they both still felt towards the other. They were done. Even if they didn't want to be, they were.
“We should probably head in there.” Sirius whispered, “Lily’s starting the movie soon.”
“Yeah…”
Together they walked into the small living room and sat down next to each other on Lily’s couch, and for a moment, just a small moment, they let themselves pretend that nothing had changed,
When the movie was over, Sirius offered to walk Remus back to his flat that was just a few blocks away, wanting to be next to him just a bit longer, Remus reluctantly agreed.
“It was nice, being back with everyone don't you think?” Remus was walking down the street, his arm swinging at his side as he carefully glanced over at Sirius, who had his head down and his hands stuffed in his pockets.
“Yeah. Reminds me of old times…”
“You say ‘old times’ as if it wasn't just a few weeks ago.” Remus jokes.
Sirius rolled his eyes with a small smile, “You know what I mean.”
“Yeah…it seems like a lot longer than just a few weeks…”
“Yeah it does.” Sirius frowned and kept his gaze on his trainers as he walked. There was so much he wanted to say, starting with ‘I'm sorry’ and ending with ‘Please give me another chance’ but he highly doubted either of those would work out to his benefit. “We had seen that movie before, haven't we?”
“Yeah, we watched it last month on a date. We thought that maybe if we started going on dates again then-” Remus’ voice caught in his throat ‘then we would get better and stop fighting’ is what he was going to say, but it hurt like a bitch to even think of now…he pushed back tears.
Sirius knew what he meant. He was thinking the same thing, he might have even said it too, might have taken a chance on the words he was thinking earlier and said them out loud…but they were at Remus’ door and he couldn't leave without one thing.
“Do you think we could have done something to make us work?” For the first time on the walk, Sirius looked up at Remus.
“I don't know.” He sounded so hurt, he was so hurt. Because to him…all they had to do to make it work was to stay together, but it was Sirius who had thought otherwise.
“Me neither, but I wish I did. I wish I knew what it was that we could have done to make it…”
Remus didn't know how to react. He was sad and angry and confused. To him it seemed simple, to him they just needed to stay together to make it and the fact that Sirius didn't see it that way, the fact that he saw it as a step they missed, made him question everything. He wanted to yell at Sirius and tell him that he was an idiot. But he looked at Sirius, the beautiful man standing awkwardly in front of him, and he decided that he would be mad at him later because right now he just wanted to miss him.
“I wish I would've known.”
Sirius looked at him, confused, “What do you mean?”
“I wish I would have known that it wasn't going to work. I would have savored all of the last things a little more. I would have- I wish I would have known that our last kiss was going to be our last. I would've made it a good one, a better one.”
Sirius swore he felt his heart plummet when Remus said that, because when he heard those words he realized that their last kiss was one so miniscule that he couldn't really even recall what it was. He had the faintest idea of it, he knew it was at Remus’ place two days before the breakup and the idea of ending it had already been bouncing around in his head so he had to get out of there as soon as possible so he did not start crying, but that's it. He didn't remember what was said before or after. He didn't remember what either of them were wearing or what Remus had tasted like. He didn't even remember what it felt like. He wanted their last kiss to be significant and remembered.
He looked at Remus: blue jumper, black jeans, black docs…hair messy from leaning against the couch, cheeks red from the wind, slightly chapped lips…had eaten a lot of popcorn, probably tastes like butter and salt.
He would remember this one.
“We could give ourselves one last kiss. One that matters, one that we know is coming…” The suggestion was crazy, Sirius knew it was, but all he wanted to do at that moment was kiss Remus for a final time.
Remus looked at him with sad eyes, “Our last kiss?” Sirius nodded bashfully, and Remus took a step towards him.
Sirius took notice of every single detail, logging it into his memory and making sure that he would never forget this. Remus slightly cupped his cheek, and leaned down just a bit to close the gap between them. Sirius met him halfway, closing his eyes and kissing Remus’ lips ever so gently. Their lips moved against each other slowly and softly, and the kiss lasted longer than it probably should have considering their situation, but neither of them felt like it was enough.
They broke away hesitantly, and stayed with their faces close together for just a second before Remus stepped away completely, hoping to hide his tears from Sirius. He didn't know what to say, so he kept it simple, “Goodnight.”
Sirius nodded, “Goodnight, Remus.”
And they both turned in opposite directions to walk away.