we small talk, work and the weather
December 28th, 1975
"Is Evans coming?" James asked excitedly.
Sirius had just gotten off the phone with Mary, or at least he tried. Remus had to teach him which way to hold the phone so he wasn't speaking through the part where Mary's voice was coming from. In all honestly, Remus was even surprised that the Potter's had a phone. Many Pureblood families would never have anything muggle in their houses, but the Potter's aren't like other Pureblood families, he supposed.
Mary called the boys after talking to Marlene, who had suggested that they all get together for New Years. Sirius was quick to agree and didn't even ask James if it was okay if they could host. Before they knew it, Sirius had hung up on Mary and was calling Peter and all their other friends with the plans.
"Black! I asked, is Evans coming?!" James once again said, after Sirius very obviously ignored him as he was dialling Peter's number on the landline.
Peter had only gotten a phone when he realised it would be the only way to communicate with Remus over the holidays, since Remus' mother refused to get an Owl, saying it was like being in the 1800s and that 'those Wizards need to stop being so self involved and realise that its the bloody 70s!'.
"I don't know! Mary didn't say anything about Evans!" Sirius replied, struggling to type Peter's number in and eventually giving up.
They were all sat in the kitchen around the table, after just eating lunch. The Potter's were out in Diagon Alley, getting extra Christmas and New Years decorations to put outside the house, despite it already being past Christmas Day now.
Christmas Day at the Potters consisted of food, presents, more food, and people. The house was full by 7pm, and Remus had eaten so much Christmas dinner he felt like he was going to burst. His mother called for him at 2pm, asking him how he was and talked for ages about how she missed him and wanted to see him soon. Remus can remember thinking she sounded upset, and he just knew that her and Lyall had fought again.
He reassured her he was fine, and then got back to watching Sirius. That was all he seemed to be doing these days. Some days he would be sitting, reading a book, or admiring the art work in the hallways in James's house, and his thoughts would go back to Sirius. How Sirius looked when he was apologising, how his eyes watered and the pale blue colour of them become more noticeable. How his sharp features softened when they would speak. How his lips moved when he laughed.
Even now, in the dim light of the kitchen in James' house, Sirius was all he could think about. All he could see. It was like the world had shifted, and everyone in Remus' view was out of focus, except Sirius. He watched as Sirius picked up the phone again, getting annoyed and cursing the phone when it wouldn't dial Peter's number. Remus laughed watching him, not even noticing that James was growing angry that Sirius hadn't asked Mary whether Lily was coming to the party.
"Moony! Don't laugh at me! I'm really trying here. These muggle contraptions are really confusing! This blasted thing just won't work! Can't we just send him an Owl?" Sirius turned to Remus, who was still laughing, and then stopped to sigh in disbelief that after so many tries, he still couldn't get the phone to work.
"No! It's quicker to call. And don't worry, I'll call Pete, since I'm the only one here who knows how this works!" Remus said, standing up and taking the phone out of Sirius' hand. "And, James," Remus continued, looking at James who had moved his gaze from the ground to Remus at the call of his name, "I'll call Lily after and ask whether she's coming, but don't get all soppy if she says no."
James' face lit up.
"You're a saint, Remus! Have I ever told you you're my bestest friend in the whole world and for sure my favourite marauder!" James stood up from his seat and went over to Remus, wrapping his arms around him and squeezing as tight as he could.
"Oi! What about me?" Sirius yelled, mouth gaped open.
"Sorry Black, but you're old news now! I'm all about Moony!" James smiled and let go of Remus, who was shaking his head and began pressing in Peter's number.
---
After confirming that Lily was in fact coming, which James squealed at and began worrying about how he was going to convince her to kiss him at midnight, and talking to Peter, who said he could come but only later on as he had plans with family, Sirius and Remus found themselves alone in the kitchen. They sat at opposite ends of the table, with Sirius' head in some Transfiguration homework he needed to finish, and Remus reading the last pages of 'The Picture of Dorian Gray.' The silence was too loud. Especially considering the problems they've had between the two of them in the last couple of weeks.
"What are you doing?" Remus asked even though he already knew the answer, breaking the silence and causing Sirius to look up from his work
"Homework. What about you?"
"Reading." Remus replied.
Why was it was it so hard to have a normal conversation with him recently? They used to be able to speak about anything, and now here they are, discussing homework and not knowing what to say next. When did everything become so awkward? Was it his fault? Had he done something to upset Sirius? Maybe it was the way he acted the other day? Maybe he was still at how he had yelled at him and James?
Remus couldn't concentrate like this. Not with so many unspoken thoughts, doubts, fears filling his head.
"What happened to us?" There. He had said it.
Sirius' head shot up to look at Remus.
"What do you mean?" Sirius replied, looking confused.
"I don't know. It just feels different. Between us, I mean." Remus gave a shrug, and picked his book up again.
If Sirius was going to be difficult, what was the point?
"I don't think it feels different," Sirius replied eventually, after a long pause. He tried to catch Remus' eyes. "What do you feel is different?".
"Everything. Sirius, I feel like I can't talk to you anymore. Like you've closed yourself off to me, or something. We can't even speak to each other without awkward silences or arguments". Remus hesitated before letting his thoughts spill out. What if he had just ruined everything? What if he was supposed to stay quiet and pretend everything was okay? What if Sirius hated him now?
Sirius' face lit up with laughter, and relaxed his shoulders.
"Yeah, well thats because..." He stopped talking, and closed his mouth, looking scared of what he was about to say, holding Remus' gaze still.
Remus was too scared to ask more questions, or try to convince Sirius to end his sentence, so they sat in silence, looking at each other. He went through possibilities in his head.
'Yeah, well thats cause I don't want to be friends with you anymore', or, 'Yeah, well thats because I'm scared of you'.
What has Remus done that made Sirius close himself off to him?
"Hi" They heard from behind. Their locked gaze was broken, and they both turned behind them to see Peter standing in the doorway, with James behind them.
Remus was the first to get up.
"Wormy!" Remus smiled as he walked over, "What are you doing here!"
"Thought I'd come over and see what you guys were doing, doesn't look very exciting though!" He exclaimed, looking down at the table to where Remus's book and Sirius' unfinished homework sat.
"Well, Wormy, now you're here let's plan some official Marauders business!" Sirius said, staying seated but looking behind him to where Peter, Remus and James were stood.
They smiled back, and sat down in the three empty seats at the table. Remus couldn't help but stare at Sirius all thought the planning to prank the Slytherins when they got back after Christmas. There was something in his eyes when they were planning pranks. It was when Sirius could truly be himself, and didn't have to worry about anything other than the Marauders and causing mischief. This is how he wants Sirius to be forever. Free from anything that hurts him, or causes him pain. With that glisten in his eyes all the time.
In that split second, with the greatest friends he's ever made in his life laughing around him, Remus let his guard down. And it all came rushing to him.
He loved Sirius. As more than just a friend.
He was in love with Sirius Black.
Fucking hell, he thought, what am I going to do now?