i realised i loved you in the fall
Remus Lupin still being angry at Sirius Black by the end of that conversation was definitely not the plan. Sirius had planned on settling the silent argument that had dominated the house for two days. He didn’t expect to make it worse. Remus had said sorry for yelling, and that he wasn’t angry, but Sirius knew him better than that. Remus was still annoyed. That boy could hold a grudge for years. It seemed that it didn’t matter to him if people drifted away because of long standing arguments and small little tifs that turned into so much more by silence. Remus could just pick up a book and ignore the whole thing, which was what he had been doing since that night Sirius and James came home at 3am.
The only way to allow Remus to come to him, however, was be silent. To allow it to continue until Remus notices that he does in fact want them in his life and can’t go on without them. Maybe that was a bit of a romanticised thought from Sirius, but still the truth.
So Sirius left the room, without looking at Remus or saying a word. He went downstairs to find James, who was sitting in his front room with his parents, who all looked up and gleamed when they saw Sirius enter. Sirius nodded out the door, insinuating that he wanted to speak to James. He picked up on this straight away, after all, they do seem to have their own little secret language that only the two of them understand.
“Didn’t go very well then? By the sounds of it?” James said as he walked out of the room and shut the door behind him. Sirius carried on down the hall and went into the kitchen, making sure to close that door as well.
“No. It didn’t”. He finally replied as soon as he was sure no one could hear him, but still speaking in a hushed voice.
“Merlin, Pads. You two! Like cats and dogs!” James laughed but in a serious tone, and with a look of disbelief on his face.
“I don’t want to fight with him. You know that, more than anyone.” Sirius sat down at the table and his facade dropped. He was no longer Sirius Orion Black, Casanova, most good looking student in Gryffindor. He was just a boy in love.
“You really like him then?” James said, sitting opposite to Sirius at the table. Sirius turned to look at James, and sent him a look. He knew James would know what it meant. It meant of course. ‘Of course I like him, you idiot’. James just sighed and brought his hand to his face to push his glasses back.
“Listen, Sirius. Go back upstairs and say you’re sorry. Again. No being a dick this time though?” James carried on, nodding his head.
“Prongs -“
“No, you’re going back upstairs okay? For Moony.”
“Okay. For Moony, and only Moony.” Sirius laughed and stood up, bracing himself to walk back up the stairs.
He realised he loved Remus Lupin on the 23rd of October 1975 at exactly 9:38pm. He knew the time because he had been watching his watch to know when to tell the Gryffindor party that was going on in the common room to be quiet to avoid Filch hearing them in his nightly rounds. Remus was sitting at the far end of the common room, celebrating with the rest of his housemates for winning the first match of the season against Slytherin.
Sirius was by the door, watching others watch him. He always seemed to be the centre of these parties, even though he wasn’t on the quidditch team and was in no way as popular as James and Sirius or even Marlene, Mary and Lily. People were just drawn to a Remus Lupin, he guessed. A crowd had gathered around Remus, who seemed to be talking about the time he pranked the Slytherins by turning all their peas at dinner into frogs, which made a roar of laughter engulf the common room. Sirius felt a pang of jealously hit his chest.
Why couldn’t he be sitting there with Remus, just then two together? Instead of being separated like this. He had never realised how much he wanted to he close with Remus until then. How he wanted to be the only one Remus told stories, and made laugh until his stomach hurt and he almost threw up. How he wanted Remus to be his, and only his. Sirius stared at Remus, looking at his eyes, his poignant cheek bones, the scars that covered his whole face, and lastly his lips. His pink, blush, pump lips. A feeling rose in his chest.
Oh god, he thought grimly, I fancy Remus Lupin.
Now, walking away from the kitchen where he had left James sitting by himself, Sirius felt scared. He knew the conversation he needed to have with Remus was a tough one. One where he had to admit he was wrong, and try and not let onto Remus about how much he loved him. But he would do it anyways, because he needed Remus. He just loved making Remus smile, and laugh until tears formed at his eyes. Making him sad was an overwhelming feeling that Sirius just couldn't shake. He knew he needed to apologise, but it was just so out of character for him. James recalled once that he had only heard Sirius utter the words sorry and (honestly mean it) once, which was to his brother Regulus on the first day of school in Second Year, when Regulus had been sorted into Slytherin. That wasn't a true apology, more of a pity sorry. A sorry that was meant to be remembered in the future when the War properly started to pick up, and Regulus and Sirius ended up on opposite sides, or when Sirius ran away from home only 3 months ago now, leaving his life, along with Regulus, back at 12 Grimmauld Place. Apologising to Remus in his head went smoothly, but out loud, he knew it would be a different story.
He pushed the door open, and saw Remus in the same place as when he had left the room only fifteen minutes ago. Remus looked up when he saw the door open, but immediately looked down again at his book when he saw who opened it.
"Thought you were James." Remus was the first to speak, still reading his book, but sitting cross legged on his bed, facing the corner of the room where Sirius had walked too.
"Would it be better if it were?" Sirius replied.
"No, you're alright."
Silence followed. Sirius knew he needed to speak, but his tongue was tied and he could feel his brain empty.
Still, he was able to place together some words.
"Remus, can we talk? Like properly? Without the yelling?" He muttered, staying still.
"I suppose so." Remus took a while to reply, as if he was running everything that's ever happened between them in the last five years through his head. He shifted forwards, and put his book down, showing he was ready to have a proper conversation now.
"Okay, look. I'm sorry. For everything. For being a complete dick and ruining things all the time for you." Sirius blurted out, meeting Remus' eyes.
"What? Sirius, you don't ruin everything for me. You've already said apologised and I've only kept the argument going cause I was angry. You don't need to apologise again." Remus had stood up now, and walked over to Sirius. They were so close, but so far. The anxiety rose in Sirius' chest. He felt like drowning.
"And the kissing girls thing? I don't do that, not anymore, Remus, okay?" Sirius looked into Remus' eyes. Everything in his life was a mess, he had a family who didn't love him, a school who thought he was this perfect and beautiful boy that every girl wanted to date, and Remus, who was standing in front of him, being everything he's ever wanted but can't have.
"Okay." Remus replied eventually, staring back in to Sirius' eyes.
His eyes said a million things.
'Perhaps we could stay like this forever. The war, our families, the full moon. No one else would matter. It could just be me and you. I can't do it all, so meet me halfway. Please. I'm sorry for hurting you. I love you. Never leave me.'
Both of their eyes welled up in tears. As if they both knew what each other was thinking exactly.
'I love you' echoed in Sirius' mind.
'Please say you love me too'