standing in front of you, saying i'm sorry for that night
22nd December 1975
They were sitting in James’ bedroom whilst he was downstairs talking to his parents. It was only a few days from Christmas now, but it didn’t feel like Christmas at all. The decorations in James’ room looked sad and pointless. Remus didn’t know how to act around James and Sirius now, not since that night when they came home drunk, knowing that Remus was still recovering from the full moon the night before. Not since he had exploded at Sirius in front of James’ parents. He thought they would fall right back into their out routine, but it seemed like Sirius had other plans. Remus noticed that it felt like Sirius was walking on egg shells around him, scared of making him the smallest bit upset. At first, Remus was terrified that he had scared Sirius. That was a constant worry for Remus. He didn’t want to be thought of as a monster, as something capable of scaring Sirius Black.
He had decided that it was just Sirius feeling guilty. In the next few days, Sirius went out of his way to do things for Remus. Small, little things such as make his breakfast and bring him a cup of tea whilst he was still in bed, sitting it down on the bed-side table and leaving, without saying anything or even looking at the boy who would be sitting in bed in his red pyjamas. Or touch his hair and claiming that it looked messy, or one bit was out of place. Or staring at Remus for long periods times, which Remus kind of found creepy, but he decided not to judge his friends way of trying to make things feel normal. James, however, was trying his hardest to act that things had never happened by ignoring it completely. He called Remus funny names and tackled him when they would play pretend Quidditch in James' garden because his dad wouldn't let them fly during the Christmas period, despite James' pleads that he needed to practise for the upcoming season. He stole food off his plate at dinner, and would jump on his bed during the night simply to piss him off. Remus couldn't say he was happy about all the ways his friend was trying to make things okay, but at least he was trying in a normal manner. Not acting all nervous and scared around him, like Sirius was. Or pretending he wasn't in the room when he didn't want to have to deal with the fact that he needed to try to act normal.
So, finding themselves alone together for the first time since they had arrived at James', it was bound to all go wrong.
"Look. Remus, I'm sorry about the other night." Sirius sighed, turning to look at Remus who, unsurprisingly, had his head buried in a book. The cover read 'The Picture of Dorian Gray'. Remus has gotten it for his birthday from Lily, who knew he would love it from the second she saw it was written by Oscar Wilde.
Remus had kept his head long enough in his book to give Sirius the hint that he was ignoring him now. "Remus, I'm serious." The other boy pleaded. "We know you were tired! It's just that every Christmas that we get back from Hogwarts, me and James go out. It's sort of like a tradition now. We didn't intentionally leave you out, or do it to piss you off".
Remus looked up from 'The Picture of Dorian Gray' to see Sirius, sitting at the edge of his bed, head in his hands. His black hair covered his face, and Remus could tell that he was genuinely sorry. After all, they had been friends for five years now. Remus knew when Sirius was just apologising so he wasn't perceived as a dick by the rest of Hogwarts. Well, apart from Slytherin, because Sirius wanted them to see him as a dick. Sirius brought his head up, and met Remus' eyes, looking slightly surprised that Remus had put his book down to have this conversation.
"I know," Remus sighed. "I know you weren't doing it to piss me off, Sirius," Remus continued and sat up a little bit, making sure that Sirius could see his face for the first time in probably an hour. He put his book down next to him, and signed, closing his eyes as if he was preparing himself for battle. "But, you have to understand that I am bloody pissed off! You ignored that I was literally fucking exhausted because of the bloody full moon, and continued to go out and party just so you could hook up with a bunch of random girls and get drunk!" Remus practically yelled, realising that his face had grown red and that he had probably said that loud enough that James heard them.
Sirius' face dropped, and he looked hurt. Remus winced. That wasn't what he wanted. Not what he had expected either. The silence from Sirius was unlike him. Remus was expecting Sirius to fight back, criticise Remus for judging him and his ways in having fun, or just yell pointless, hurtful things that they both knew he would regret later. But instead he sat on his bed, as still as a statue. As if another word from Remus would shatter him to pieces.
"Look, I'm sorry for yelling just now. Just-. Merlin, fuck. I don't know why I just got so angry. It's just that I'm hurt by your lack of consideration for my feelings", Remus said, feeling spiteful and still having the tingle of anger sit in his chest. He looked down, avoiding looking at Sirius and having to deal with the consequence of what he just said. He didn't need pity, or more shouting. Just silence. Just enough silence that he would be able to forgive James and Sirius in.
"Is that really why you thought I wanted to go out that night? So I could kiss random girls?" Sirius looked down to where he was picking at the skin of his thumb. Remus glanced over at Sirius, and noted that he looked vulnerable, nervous even. The air had changed from before, from when Remus has been yelling. He felt an odd instinct to whisper, like speaking out loud would break the sensation Sirius had created in the room.
"I don't know, Sirius. You seem to enjoy it, that's all I was thinking. Look, I understand why you'd want to go out and do that, I'm not shaming you-"
"Stop. Let's not talk about that" Sirius broke him off, still picking at his thumb. He had looked up to face Remus, who was staring back at him with a confused look on his face.
"Okay, let's not talk about that, then." Remus replied, sensing that Sirius really wanted the conversation to end. He couldn't tell whether it was out of embarrassment, or maybe just that he wanted to only talk about it with James, and he didn't consider Remus a close enough friend to want to talk about that kind of thing with him. Either way, Remus accepted the shift in the room, and choose to go back to his book.
Sirius Black always confused Remus Lupin. He never quite understood him, and he didn't know whether that was a problem or not. Whether it mattered or not. It seemed as if Sirius didn't really understand Remus either though. Whenever they were alone together, they were either fighting or staying quiet, unsure of what to say in front of the other. Remus didn't feel this way around any of the other marauders. He could talk to Peter all day, and even enjoyed sitting with him at lunch, or playing card games and chess with him in the common room. James let Remus talk about the books he had read recently, only if Remus listened to his endless rants about quidditch and Lily Evans. With Sirius it was different. It's not as if they weren't friends, no of course not. Remus actually considered Sirius to be the marauder he was closest with, well maybe he was second by a small margin to Peter, but that was just because Peter smuggled Remus chocolate from the kitchen every full moon when he was in the hospital wing. He knew that wasn't the same for Sirius, however, that James was his favourite by far, but still, Remus loved him. As a friend. A friend. Definitely.
He heard a shuffle from across the room, and saw Sirius stand up and walk out the door, without saying goodbye or even a glance in Remus' direction. "Oh Merlin. I've made him angry again now, haven't I?" Remus said to himself, and buried his head in his book and sighed heavily, anxious about everything that had happened with Sirius, and wishing he never opened his mouth at all now.