i’m glad you made time to see me
20th December 1975 - 'I'm glad you made time to see me'
Remus walked through the door, hand in his pockets and smile on his face. He had never been to the Potter's house before. James and Sirius told him so many stories about the massive rooms and great amounts of fun they had in those walls. Remus swears he's never seen Sirius more happy than he is when he talks about the Potter's. They're his family, Remus supposes, now.
The hallway was long, and filled with colour and brightness and love. He understood why James is so happy now, why he's never seen James cry apart from Second Year when they lost the house cup against Slytherin.
Sirius trailed in after Remus and ran ahead of him, eager to say hello to James' parents. He's happy that Sirius is happy, that he has a family that loves him now. Remus just wishes he had the same. The Marauders don't know the ins and outs of Remus' family life. They don't know that Remus spent last Christmas with only his mum because his dad had stormed off after a little argument they had about money. They don't know how much Remus loves being at Hogwarts, and would rather stay at Hogwarts every Christmas break than return to his home. They just know that sometimes Remus returns to Hogwarts in January upset and not wanting to talk about his Christmas, and them knowing Remus so well, they leave him be. Remus loves keeping secrets, they think. So Remus stays quiet. He doesn't talk about how he hears his mother cry herself to sleep when his dad is gone. He doesn't talk about how his dad has been picking up extra shifts at work to avoid being at home. Home, for Remus, is the last place he would want to be this Christmas.
So, when James invited him to his house for Christmas along with Sirius, he had never been happier. He felt as if he was finally invited to their exclusive club they've had since the Hogwarts express in First Year. He knows deep inside its pathetic, that they'll always be James Potter and Sirius Black, best friends, brothers for life. That Remus has no place in that equation. But he wants to belong with them. The Marauders make him feel at home, and loved, but not that he belongs anywhere specifically. Remus just wants to belong. And a small, minuscule thought in his head hopes that he’ll find sanctuary here, at the Potters, as Sirius had done the first time he had stepped through the white wooded door all those years ago.
"Remus, dear! Come into the kitchen!" Remus heard James' mother, Euphemia Potter, shout. "Sirius and James are in here!", she added.
Remus realises he's been standing in the hallway for a long time, and picks up his feet and shuffles into the kitchen. Sirius and James are standing in the corner, as if they were in their own little world. Remus looks for a second, feeling a wave of sadness and misplacement. Maybe it was a bad idea, maybe he shouldn't have come. He knew he would end up being left out. Just as those thoughts began to fill his mind, Sirius looked up, and smiled widely.
"Moony! What took you so long?" He yelled and ran forwards to greet him again, as if they had all not arrived together. James followed Sirius, and smiled from behind. Remus couldn't help but feel warm. It was their effect. Sirius and James showing Remus love and affection always made him feel special. They were two of the most amazing and loving people on earth, Remus believed.
"Oh shove off, Padfoot. I was just looking around," Remus replied, and grinned at Sirius, who looked away at the sight of Remus' smile. Without saying anything, James took Remus' bags and put them next to Sirius'.
"Do you want to see where we’re sleeping, Moony?" James said, walking back towards Sirius and Remus. Remus nodded, and James started walking up the stairs and into a room where there were three double beds in the corners of the room.
"Mum tried to make it like our room at Hogwarts."
"It's great, thank you," Remus replied, walking into the room and looking around.
"No problem, mate." James patted Remus on the back and left the room, leaving Remus by him self to look around.
Whenever he's away from them, he feels incomplete. But when he's with them, he feels left out. But that’s the beauty of being their friend. They’ll always make you feel loved and wanted. Until they don’t. Until they leave you out of conversations on purpose, and have secret little meetings all by themselves. Until you’re left wondering whether you mean anything to them at all. Remus likes to not think about this too much. But he already knows that the two beds next to each other on the one half of the room are automatically theirs, and he will be sleeping by himself on the other side. He knows they’ll start talking at 2am, forgetting to involve him and feel uncomfortable when he joins in, like they were doing something illegal and had been discovered. Like he was some kind of kill-joy. Remus doesn’t revel too much in this idea. In his mind, he was a kill-joy. Even thinking so much into his problems with James and Sirius proved that.
Pushing those negative thoughts to the back of his mind, Remus followed James and Sirius in leaving the room, trying to not look like a lost puppy, or like Peter all throughout the school year, following the two boys as if they are saints.
He found Sirius and James back in the kitchen, sitting at the table with James’ parents. They all looked up when he walked in the room, almost as if they had forgotten he was there. All except Euphemia, of course. She smiled at Remus, and nodded to gesture that he should sit down. He took a seat next to Sirius, and laughed along with the conversation. He couldn’t help but notice that Sirius had changed out of his Hogwarts uniform, and was now wearing a black jumper with black jeans. It was rare that Remus saw Sirius wearing clothes that looked like they belonged to a Muggle, especially in the Potter’s house. Sirius must’ve saw Remus stare, and grinned at him in reply.
“We’re going out tonight, you me and James,” Sirius said to Remus whilst James was speaking to his parents across the table.
Remus shot him a surprised look.
“What do you mean we’re going out?” Remus replied, face looking confused. Sirius smiled and threw his head back like a child.
“Moony! Come on! Let’s go have some fun, it’s Christmas!” Sirius laughed, and went back to staring at Remus, who’s confused expression had turned into an angry one.
“Sirius.” Remus replied, thinking it was all he needed to say.
“I know you’re tired-“
“Tired? Sirius, the full moon was LAST NIGHT! I’m fucking exhausted!” Remus said, much louder than he anticipated and even swore, which he was definitely did not want to do at the Potter’s house who had so kindly accepted to have him at Christmas.
He felt his face go red, half with anger and half with embarrassment. Everyone in the room was staring at him, shocked that he had spoken that way. It was not like him at all. Sirius next to him had shifted, moving closer to Remus as if to insinuate that everything was okay. That he understood. He caught Remus’s eye, and held his gaze.
“I, I think I’m gonna go to bed now. Sorry for shouting. And thank you Mr and Mrs Potter for having me”. Remus broke the silence and Sirius’ gaze, and walked upstairs to the room.
He doesn’t remember much from that night, only the sounds of James and Sirius walking in at 3:30am very clearly drunk. Feeling empty and left out, Remus pulled the covers over his head to drown the sounds of laughter and tried to go back to sleep.