Sore Loser
October 5th 1971
I think things are getting better for me here but then I get the memory of my parents. It consumes me in a way I wish it didn't.
I like it here, I'm really starting to get used to it but there's just a twang of fear in me all the time, thinking about how things will go when I am to see my parents. I know when they hurt me they only do it to help me, I know they only want to teach me but i'm so scared and I hate that feeling.
Remus has scars, scars like me and I can't help but wonder if maybe his parents are like mine. I can't really ask him but I really wish to know.
I've stopped writing to Regulus too. I still want to but there is no point when I have doubt he's even being allowed to read them. I wish they could understand that these people aren't bad, I wish they could meet them and see.
Sirius had struggled to sleep, he often did but last night he wasn't just worried for Regulus but he was worried for Remus too. It was odd, he didn't understand why he already cared so much about his friends but he did and the thought of one of them possibly having parents that scar him like that made him feel nauseous.
What if they hurt him? What if they use the fire whip on him?
Sirius was left awake, staring up in front of him whilst biting the inside of his mouth. The sound of rain on the window was rather calming and he decided to go and sit in the windowsill as it was growing boring staring up at the four poster.
The rain was fierce and wild outside, it was hitting the window causing clear drops to trickle down. Sirius watched, not a thought going through his mind as he got lost in looking at the grey clouds and the trees blowing in the distance. The rain was so comforting yet it was always sure to evoke a sort of melancholy sadness.
Sirius often found himself loving rainy days back at home. Him and Regulus had found it most entertaining to stay indoors and make secrets dens in the library with the distant sounds of rain echoing throughout. They often snuck outside to play in the rain, getting soaked until they were shivering in coldness but it never seemed to bother them as the moments were like no other.
Although the rain had a gloomy feel to it, Sirius loved it far more than he loved the sun. The memories and the solace he found in it was enough for it to be his favourite thing.
The dorm door opened and Sirius hadn't noticed until he heard it shut. Remus had walked in wearing the same clothes from the night before but this time they were dripping with water as the rain had thoroughly drenched him.
"Why are you up this early, Sirius?" he whispered whilst walking in, chin shaking. Sirius didn't answer for a moment and just looked him up and down.
"Couldn't sleep. Are you alright?" he questioned whilst jumping out from the window "You're okay?"
"Yeah i'm fine," he yawned whilst walking to his bed and flooping face first into the pillows "We still have 2 hours until first lesson. I'm sleeping, i'm knackered."
"You're going to sleep? In your wet clothes?" Remus never replied and just nodded silently. "You'll get a cold," Sirius attempted but Remus had already lost himself to sleep.
Why's he back so early and so tired?
With a small, complicated wave of Sirius' wand he used a charm to send hot air towards Remus, letting it dry out his clothes completely. Sirius was beyond confused as to why Remus came back like that and yet he chose to let him sleep.
Remus had come in soaking wet, clothes dripping, freezing cold and looking more tired than ever before and all he did was fall asleep in his bed, still soaking wet and wearing his shoes claiming he was 'fine'. It was clear that something was going on but Sirius felt it wasn't his place to question him.
"So is everything alright now?" James was the first to ask a question related to it "With you family emergency?" Remus let out a laugh whilst walking to shower, a laugh that sounded so forced it was almost painful.
"Yeah, James. Everything's alright now."
Sirius and James locked eyes in the same sympathetic way. Neither knowing how they were meant to help him but James just shrugged and continued to get ready.
They sat by the girls at breakfast as that was the only free space. Sirius found himself say between Marlene and James which wasn't the best for him.
"Oh Remus," Lily said "Are you feeling better now? I heard you spent the night in the hospital wing." Sirius expected Remus to act confused or to at least ask the boys why he was supposedly in the hospital but he didn't.
"Oh yeah I feel a lot better now. Madam Pomfrey is a great nurse."
Their first class was Herbology which was always quite fun in some way. The Gryffindor's took their side of the long table whilst Professor Sprout took the end.
"Right, as I've been told you have recently learnt the Knockback jinx I am here to teach you how to repot and handle a small bouncing bulb!" She began quickly "Now you must remember that the knockback jinx can only be used in bouncing bulbs that are small and not fully developed as they will not work on fully grown ones but lucky to you we are only handling small ones today. Now! We will be re potting them today so you will watch me carefully and then be doing it yourself. Our main goal is to repot and not to handle but if your bouncing bulb is out of control then you can use the knockback jinx to help you! Don't take advantage of that!"
James nudged Sirius in the arm discreetly and began to grin as he reached forwards to grab one of the wriggling bouncing bulbs from the secure container in front of them.
"Shall I keep one as a pet?" James laughed "I can name it-" before he finished the bouncing bulb wriggled out of his grip and slapped him across the face before bouncing onto the table. James gasped loudly and the Ravenclaws opposite laughed with Sirius, Peter and Remus.
"Mr Potter!" Sprout snapped "I hadn't got to the part in telling you that these plants can be aggressive if felt threatened and will have no hesitation in slapping you in the face although it seems you already found that out for yourself!" Most of the class were sniggering now as they looked over at James.
"Sorry Miss, feisty one isn't it?" Sprout just shook her head and continued the demonstration as James tried not to laugh whilst capturing the bulb and putting it back where he got it.
The class was a little chaotic when they got started. Bouncing bulbs being let loose, knockback jinxes being cast and yet Professor Sprout seemed completely unbothered by it.
"Why's Snivellus staring at Evans?" James asked "Look at him," Sirius followed James' eyes until he was met with Severus who was, as said, staring at Lily. "He definitely has a crush on her."
"Remus better stop talking to Evans because the death stare he's getting right now is awful," Peter joined in until Severus turned his head and met eyes with the three of them. They all quickly looked down and tried not to laugh.
"What are you laughing at?" Severus asked from across the table, his voice filled with hatred.
"Remind me why he hates us again?" James asked.
"He's jealous of my dashing good looks of course," Sirius laughed whilst making eye contact with him.
"He's jealous of my dashing good looks you mean?" James said "Snape would be lucky enough to dream of being as handsome as I."
"You going to let them mock you like that Severus?" Avery asked. Severus raised an eyebrow and looked Sirius up and down. Their was a glint in his eye and Sirius didn't like it, not one bit.
"Now, Black," he smirked "Would you like me to mention your 10th birthday?" Sirius' heart sank and he could feel himself pale as sickness got the best of him. "I assume by your face that you wouldn't want me to mention it then?" He was certain sick was about to come up.
How could he know about that day? He's bluffing... no. He knows.
"What's he on about?" Peter asked "Your birthday?"
"I don't know what you're on about," Sirius said but his voice betrayed him. Avery asked Severus what he was talking of but Severus didn't reply. "Whatever you've heard is a lie."
"So you wouldn't mind me telling your new friends about it then huh? See what the-"
"RICTUMSEMPRA!" Sirius shouted so fast he hadn't even known that he had his wand pointing at him.
Severus erupted into laughter so loud and continuous it was almost catching. His eyes were watering as he tried to push the invisible hands away, begging for them to stop tickling him. He was shouting through his laughter for it to stop. Some were laughing, some were pointing and others gasping. He became so weak from the charm that he fell to his knees, hunching himself forwards in a mix of laughter and shouting.
Professor Sprout quickly pointed her wand at Severus once she realised the problem and took the spell off him before turning to Sirius with a look of fury.
"You never throw spells at another student and especially not during my lesson! Go to your head of years office immediately, I will not have you causing this disruption in my class and you will be having detention tonight." Avery and Mulciber laughed at Sirius but Severus was too busy staring Sirius down, his face red with embarrassment.
"You're going to regret that, Black."
"Shut the fuck up, Snape," Remus snapped as he finished talking.
"Language!" Sprout yelled "Or you will be joining Black in detention. Mr Black, out. Now." Sirius nodded, not saying a word as he turned round and made his way out of the greenhouse. Confusion and anger coursed through him.
It doesn't make sense. How would he know? He can't know.
Worry was beginning to settle in his stomach as he made his way up to the castle.
If he tells anyone... they'll hate me.
Sirius had never been to McGonagall's office before but he knew where it was. His nerves made him anxious, he didn't want a detention, he was supposed to be upholding a good school reputation. It was bad enough when he got a detetion in quidditch but was grateful when Madam Hooch let them go and said they it wouldn't count as a real detention as she was in the wrong.
He knocked gently on her office door, partly hoping she wasn't in and that she was teaching another year but he was soon disappointed as her voice told him to go in.
"Ah, Mr Black," she smiled softly "Why aren't you in class?" although he attempted to keep his composure McGonagall could already tell why he was there "Oh, you were sent out. What lesson did you have and what did you do? Come on in, don't linger in the doorway. Have a seat."
Sirius nodded without saying a word as he took one of the seats in front of her desk. "I was in herbology and I used the tickling charm on Snape so Professor Sprout sent me out." She raised her eyebrow with a hidden grin.
"Now why would you do that?" Sirius shrugged in answer whilst looking around the room, avoiding her eyes. The office was fairly normal and he couldn't help but notice the picture frames with herself and Madam Pomfrey in them. "There must have been a reason."
"He annoyed me."
"He annoyed you?" she questioned whilst leaning back and taking a sip out of her mug "Now I'm afraid someone annoying you doesn't give you a right to use magic against them so you will be having a detention with me this evening after your last lesson are you understood?"
"Yes, Professor."
"Your detention will be in my transfiguration classroom." Sirius had expected her to yell or at least seem a little more annoyed at him but she was completely fine with him.
"Is it- Do you have to tell my parents when I get a detention?" McGonagall stayed quiet for a minute before shaking her head slowly.
"We only contact the parents when you have done something really bad- which I hope you will never do- so no, I will not be telling your parents of this incident." Relief escaped Sirius and his shoulders felt lighter as he nodded and thanked her. "I'm afraid because you have been sent out of your lesson you must stay in here and do some homework as I can't let you go back to class." She nodded towards a small desk in front of a large window "Do you have any work to do?"
"I have your transfiguration homework to do," he said with a grin
"Is this my transfiguration homework that was due last lesson, that you said you left in your dorm?"
"There is a very high possibility that it might be."
"Go on, get it done." He nodded before going to take a seat at the desk. The view from the window was astonishing, he could see the entire Hogwarts ground and it was magnificent.
"Professor," he said quietly whilst turning around and looking at her. She raised her eyebrow, encouraging him to continue "The sorting hat, does it make mistakes?" She looked at him for a second, deep in wonder.
"No, Sirius. No I don't think the sorting hat does make mistakes." Sirius just nodded before turning back around "Why is it you ask that, Sirius? Do you think you have been misplaced?"
"I'm not sure," he said, not turning back around "I mean you know that all the Black's get put in Slytherin so I think there might have been a mistake."
"You haven't thought that maybe you're different than your family?"
"Well I mean, yeah I guess but," he turned around, facing her again "I'm not brave or courageous and some other members of my family are, like Andromeda. She's braver than I am and she isn't in Gryffindor so it hardly makes sense that's all."
"I think you underestimate yourself, Sirius. The sorting hat wouldn't put you in Gryffindor if you didn't share the rightful properties. Sometimes it takes a while for you to realise. You're still new to the house and you're still young and I'm sure a lot of things will change before your last year here and you will soon see that you are where you belong here in Gryffindor. Don't underestimate yourself and don't try and be someone you're not. I understand if you might have wanted to be in Slytherin but you fit in better here and I'm sure you'll grow to enjoy it."
Sirius didn't answer her, he just nodded before turning around and getting on with his work. Her words swarmed his mind for a long while, she had only said what he had already thought but hearing it from her was a lot more convincing.
Once he was allowed to join the others in his next lesson he done his best to avoid all conversation about the incident. James and Peter both asked him what it was Severus was on about but Sirius completely ignored them or denied all knowledge of knowing what it was about.
I'll never tell them that. I'll never tell anybody that.
His detention was painfully boring and he just had to sit with McGonagall and write up the line 'I will not use magic against other students' for an hour straight. Although she did offer tea and give him biscuits so he did attempt not to complain too much.
He agreed to join the others for dinner immediately after his detention and they were already in there waiting for him. He took the seat next to Remus as Peter was sat next to James.
"How was it?"
"Could've been worse. At least I wasn't chasing a snitch around the room for 30 minutes." Remus laughed slightly besides him at the memory of it and Sirius couldn't help but be glad to hear him laugh a little after worrying about him all night.
"Incoming," Peter whispered whilst looking at the aisles. Sirius turned round to see Severus, Avery and Mulciber walking towards them.
Shit. Shit. Shit.
"How was detention, Black?" Mulciber laughed.
"Wonderful than-"
"Next time you try anything against me remember the information I have about yo-" Sirius turned to face him so fast it was almost unnoticeable. Sirius stood up from the bench and stood infront of him. Severus was a little taller but it didn't matter. Remus stood up next to him and James stood up from the other side of the bench, placing his palms on the table.
Sirius was surprised his friends would defend him on something they knew nothing about.
"How's your mother, Snivellus?" he said, faces close together. Severus couldn't hide his blatant curiosity at Sirius' words. "Before you attempt to threaten me with the information you think you know, perhaps you should think about what I know about you."
"You're bluffing." Sirius stepped closer, smirking slightly with his head tilted.
"Am I?"
"You know nothing about me."
"Oh so I know nothing about the things your father has done to your mother, no?" His eyes widened and jaws clenched. "I know nothing about how yo-"
"Shut up."
"I thought I was bluffing? If i'm bluffing why do you-"
"Let's go," Severus turned round and said to the others who looked confused. Severus hit his shoulder into Sirius as he passed but Remus was quick to do them same to him in return as he passed him. Sirius grinned as he saw Severus scowl.
Sirius did actually feel bad and wouldn't of told anyone what it was he knew about Severus but he needed a way to make sure that he didn't spread anything about what happened on his 10th birthday.
The three boys tried to question him again on what it was all about and what he knows about Severus but he refused and changed the conversation quickly.
"But Sirius if you-"
"I'll be back."
"What? Where are you goi-"
"To the Slytherin table," he answered James.
"No! Don't go and make things wors-"
"Not to Snivellus. To my cousin, i'll be back." The boys looked confused as Sirius stood up and made his way to the Slytherin table. Sirius didn't exactly know why he was doing it and it was probably stupid considering the Slytherins hated him for being a Gryffindor but he noticed Andromeda taking a seat on her own and looking oddly sad.
"Anders," he said whilst taking the seat opposite her. The boys nearest looked at him funny but no one would dare say a word with Andromeda sitting next to him.
"Oh hey, Sirius," she smiled "What's up? Why are you over here?"
"Saw you sitting on your own." Sirius hadn't spoke to her since the incident in the library but he hadn't seen her with Bellatrix or Narcissa once since and they were always together. The three sisters had never just been sisters, they had always been bestfriends. Inseparable. Especially Bellatrix and Andromeda. "How's things with Bella and Cissy?"
"Oh," she laughed "Yeah that's done for. Bella hasn't spoken to me since and Cissy barely has. Think that's it for us now, think this is the beginning of my leave."
"But I mean, you still have another year of Hogwarts after this one. You can't leave home yet." Andromeda seemed to shake her head at that and look at him sympathetically.
"Sirius, i'm not staying here another year. I can't handle it."
"What do you mean?"
"After this year i'm done. I'm leaving."
"I don't understand. Where are you leaving to? Where can yo-"
"Once this school year is done i'm done too."
"You're dropping out of school?" he questioned and she nodded in confirmation.
"You can't tell anyone, Sirius. Promise me?"
What's going on?
"I promise." She seemed to hesitate for a moment, unsure of whether to trust his promise or not.
"I've been planning this for years, i've been building it all up to assure I could do it."
"Do what?"
"Leave."
"Anders, can't you explain it. Where are you going to go? If you drop out of school you won't get a job or-"
"It doesn't matter, I have enough money to last me. I've been saving it for years. I'm not a fool Sirius, i've had help with this. This has been planned out and I would've left already if it wasn't for Ted."
"Your boyfriend?"
"Yeah. This is his last year of school so when he's done with school he's leaving with me."
"You're going to leave and live with Ted?"
"You can't tell anyone. I know it seems unrealistic and stuff but it's not. This isn't just about Ted, I know what they'll all think. They'll all think i'm just ridiculously in love and that it won't last but even if me and Ted don't last i'm still leaving. I'm not coming back here once i've left. After this christmas, i'm never going back home again- I might not even go home this christmas unless I have to."
Sirius was trying to process it all. She was really leaving.
She's serious about this.
"How have you got enough money though? I know we all have loads of money but you can't access it fully until you're 17."
"It's all been thought through. I have help, someone's been helping me with all this."
"Who?"
"I can't tell you that, I don't want him getting in trouble."
"Someone in our family." She ignored this, which meant it was.
Who in our family would help with that? That doesn't make sense.
"Look, it doesn't matter alright? Everything is alright for now."
"You won't just leave will you? Without saying goodbye?"
"Of course not."
"Promise?" Sirius asked
"Promise."
They changed the conversation. Sirius explaining how he got detention and how everything had been going for him instead of talking of her leaving. They stayed talking for a while until Sirius realised he had to get back to his friends.
"Everything alright?" Peter asked as he got back.
"Yeah, you lot done? Shall we go to the dorm?"
The second they stepped foot in their dorm Remus walked to the rug in the middle of the room and led down on his stomach.
"Your bed is literally right there," Peter laughed.
"I could sleep for a month right now."
"Remus it's not even half 7."
"Sleeping. Shush," he yawned whilst resting his head on his arms.
"You're not going to get in bed?" he just shook his head with no reply. The other boys laughed at him as he began to fall asleep on the rug. James pulled the duvet of Remus' bed and put it on top of Remus so as he at least had a blanket. "Thanks," he murmured, not opening his eyes or moving.
The three other boys shared a look, all thinking they same thing. Thinking that whatever family emergency he had the night prior must've drained him out and there's no way he slept.
"Can you teach me the charm you used on Severus earlier?!" Peter asked "We haven't even learnt that yet. Why do you know so much more magic than we do?" Sirius just shrugged and smirked.
"Top secret information, Peter."
"Oh come onnnn."
"How about I teach you how to do it if you teach me how to play chess."
"You don't know how to play chess?!" he questioned.
"YOU ASSHOLE!" James yelled. That was the first time James had swore and even Remus woke up to turn around and stare at James in shock.
"Oh jesus christ!" Remus gasped "He'a finally growing up!" Then he turned round and put his head back in his arms.
"YOU WERE LAUGHING AND MAKING FUN OF ME ALL THE TIME FOR BEING RUBBISH AND LOSING IN CHESS WHEN YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW TO PLAY!!" Sirius and Peter laughed at his annoyance.
"I mean me not being able to play doesn't excuse your poor play, Jamesie boy."
"Pete, get the board out. I'm playing a game against Sirius so then he loses and he can no longer say i'm rubbish!"
"James... I think a blind person could beat you at chess."
"RIGHT!" he said with annoyance.
Peter was definitely right in saying James was a sore loser back on the train to Hogwarts. Any game the boys played resulted in either James getting annoyed because he wasn't winning or rubbing it in everyone's faces because he was winning. It was painful.
James found himself going to bed sulking that night as Peter and Sirius laughed at him because he did indeed lose the game against Sirius.
"Aw don't sulk, James. It was clear I was better than you from the beginning."
"Fuck you, Black."
"Oooo," Peter joked "Remus' language is rubbing off on you. Effy will not enjoy that one."
"Leave my mother out of this!" he yelled behind his curtain as if it were a concrete wall.
Sirius and Peter laughed about James for their entire round of chess which Peter won of course.
James went to sleep sulking.
Remus went to sleep on the rug in the middle of the floor.
Peter went to sleep still claiming to be chess champion.
Sirius went to sleep effortlessly. He went to sleep with his worries a long lost memory as he fell into a deep sleep, not having the effort to care about his dysfunctional family for just one night.