A Map Of Pain
The atmosphere in the boys dorm had been off all weekend. Remus had hardly left the dorm except for dinner and occasionally breakfast. Sirius hadn't understood the drastic changes in his mood but Remus did look awfully ill.
He looked wan, pallid and awfully haggard. Dark circles were beginning to form under his eyes and yet he told the others he was fine. It was almost laughable that Remus was telling everyone he was fine despite looking as if he hadn't slept in three weeks and could barely force himself out of bed.
The boys nagged and nagged him to go to the hospital wing but he refused claiming he 'wasn't ill' and they couldn't figure it out. They weren't sure they had heard him laugh since James blew his eyebrows off on Friday and he hadn't spoke a word unless the boys pestered him.
"We're going to be late," Peter whispered quietly in an attempt not to wake Remus up. The three boys had already been down for breakfast and brought a plate of croissants up and left them for when Remus woke up. They mutually decided not to wake him for lessons and agreed to tell the teachers he was ill as he was refusing to admit it and clearly wasn't well enough to be going to lessons.
"James is still in the bathroom," Sirius whispered back "I don't know wh-" the curtains of Remus' bed pulled open and he stumbled out, looking even more tired despite having slept.
"What time is it?" he groaned whilst looking at Sirius.
"5 minutes till first class," Remus' eyes shot wide open and he quickly rushed to grab his clothes "Remus, why don't you take the day of you're clearly-"
"I am fine!" he snapped groggily before heading over to the bathroom to get dressed but quickly cursed as James was in there and he heard the shower "Who showers 5 minutes before class?!"
"You can miss one day of class it-"
"Peter..." Remus sighed "I appreciate it, I do, but I am fine and I do not need a day off. What I need is to not be late to class." Sirius and Peter both knew it was best to just let him carry on because a month of friendship was more than enough to realise Remus was a stubborn git.
Sirius and Peter began to get their books together for class and Remus gave up in waiting for James to finish in the bathroom and went to get changed besides his bed.
"I've lost my charms homework!" Sirius turned round to look at Peter when his eyes quickly glanced past Remus who was pulling his pyjama shirt over his head. He gulped back a gasp yet his eyes widened and throat restricted and Peter followed Sirius' gaze until his jaw dropped to the floor.
Sirius couldn't help but stare. In an oddly strange way he was mesmerized by the sight in front of him. Remus had scars, scars so vicious, so ragged, so cruel, so harsh that it was breath capturing. Sirius' eyes followed the scars on Remus' back and watched as they curved round his side and to his front. Sirius looked at Remus' scars so gently, so carefully, as if they were art produced by Merlin himself, as if one harsh look would inflame them more so and send the pain right back through him.
Sirius had scars, scars no one could see too but not quite like Remus'. Something about Remus' scars were just so different. Sirius' scars were too perfect too precise they were done in harsh slices and straight lines but Remus' were so much different than that. They were raw and uneven, red and indelible. Sirius could see an untold story be displayed across his skin, something so deep and so disgustingly cruel that it made him shudder. Remus' back was a map of pain- a story of pain. Although most would describe his scars as disgusting and gruesome Sirius would never had used such words to describe them because to him they was so... unique so beautiful. If only Sirius loved his own scars the way he loved Remus'.
What could've given him scars like that? Sirius couldn't help thinking. Who could've given him scars like that.
"Remus what th-" Sirius practically dived towards Peter, slamming his mouth shut with his own hand and shaking his head before Remus had chance to turn around.
"What?" Remus questioned whilst turning around and finishing the top buttons of his shirt. Sirius glared at Peter and shook his head until Peter understood. Sirius could see the look of horror and confusion in Peter's face but pleaded with his eyes not to say a word because he knew that if someone saw his scars he would never want anyone to ask.
"I was- I- I was- was just wondering if you had seen my homework."
"Your homework is already tucked into you book Peter," Sirius answered and Peter laughed and nodded, not bothering to check and instead looking Remus up and done before looking at Sirius with a concerned look in which he just shook his head. James wandered out of the bathroom as if he had all the time in the world whilst clearing the steam off his glasses with his robe. James attempted to argue with Remus, trying to make him get into bed and get more sleep but Remus didn't even bother to argue and just walked out of the dorm, leaving the other three to share a silenced glance before following behind.
Sirius found himself being completely inattentive in all lessons, finding himself only paying attention after James would nudge him in the side. The thoughts were consuming, the possibilities, the questions, the wonder and the unknown of it all. Sirius was mildly ashamed of himself. He never thought about anyone else' life, he hadn't even though about Andormeda's until that other night in the library. A month, a month Sirius had known Remus and he hadn't once thought about the possibilities of his private life that was unshared between them.
Sirius had felt utterly alone for years, unaware that other people were struggling too, unaware that others had it like or worse than him and now guilt, disgust and shame began to run through him. He had assumed that James' life was perfect and that Peter's life was perfect and that Remus's life was perfect and yet in reality he had no idea. Just like they had no idea about him.
The scars though, the scars kept reappearing in his mind and he wanted answers needed answers but he knew he couldn't ask. In a sick, cruel, twisted way a small part of Sirius wished that it was Remus' parents that had done it to him. Not because he deserved it or because that was right in any way shape or form but because maybe just maybe Sirius would feel a lot less alone in the world if he had someone who would relate. Someone who would understand. Maybe he wouldn't feel so misplaced in the world, so unfitting.
At the end of transfiguration McGonagall made the class stay behind.
"Professor Sinistra is now back in Hogwarts which means your Astronomy classes can finally take place. "You will start tonight. At midnight you must be in the astronomy tower and the lesson will go on for an hour, just like all other lessons."
"Midnight?" Dorcas scoffed "A girl needs her beauty sleep, Professor!"
"I can imagine you do Miss Meadows but how do you expect to study the ways of the stars if you attend the lesson in the day when the sky is utterly starless?" A few groans complained "Every Monday at midnight is your Astronomy lesson in the astronomy tower. Just becauase it is not it during the day it does not mean it is any less important and it is not optional. Fail to go to lesson without a reasonable explanation will resort to detentions. Now off you go."
Everybody made their way out the class in their own groups of friends and Sirius had found himself looking at Remus in query for the millionth time that day.
"So are we heading back to the common room to do todays homework or library?" James asked
"I vote dorms because I can nap before astronomy."
"Sounds good to me, Pete."
The four of them were sat giving each other answers on the homework although it was more three as Remus was sat in the window looking rather anxious but Sirius didn't want to be the first to ask.
They has spent the couple of hours before dinner just talking and messing about in their dorm, complaining about astronomy and everything else that they pretended was the end of the world.
"Sirius, Remus?" Peter said whilst looking up and between them both "When's your birthday's? I know James' is the 27th of March but I don't know yours."
"Uh..." Sirius hesitated, wanting Remus to answer first but he was too busy staring out the window to even acknowledge Peter's question. "Mine is the third of November. What makes you ask?" Peter gave a face which made annoyance grow in Sirius, he hated people making him feel like a fool.
"To celebrate it, of course," James laughed "That's so soon too, only a month. Were you just not going to tell us or something?"
Sirius took a minute to engage his thoughts. No, no he would've never told them if they hadn't have asked. It was not something of importance or anything that was really in need of celebration but James was looking at him as if it was the most important thing alive.
I hardly wish to celebrate the day I was born into a family of hatred.
"We don't really celebrate birthdays in my family."
"Not at all?!" The look of horror on Peter's face made Sirius feel ashamed and he wasn't quite sure why.
"I mean I guess we do a little. We sometimes just have a family dinner or something but it's not important until we turn 16." Even the thought of Sirius' 16 birthday sent a sickening jolt to his stomach, he was praying that day wouldn't come. Praying somehow he could just skip past his 16th birthday because that would be the end of it all. That would be the end of hope and the end of change for him and he wished more than anything that nothing would ever restrict him as much as his 16th birthday would.
"Well, Sirius. This birthday will be your best one yet then mate, I promise." Sirius was forced out of his dark thoughts by James' smile. James was too nice, too pure and it tugged at Sirius' heart a little and yet he couldn't help but appreciate James more than he let show. "Your 12th birthday will be a birthday to remember mate."
Just before Sirius could reply Remus shot to his feet and looked at the three boys in a state of panic. Sirius didn't like the odd way he had been acting the past few days but he couldn't quite figure out what was actually going on but just the quick reminder of his back from earlier was enough to pity him in a way he shouldn't.
"I have to go."
A small silence of confusion was shared between them as they watched Remus who was standing awkwardly.
"Go?" Peter questioned "Go where?"
"Are you okay, Remus?" James asked "You've been so off recently and you don't look too good." Sirius said nothing, just watched as he awkwardly ran a hand through his hair before tugging at his sleeves.
Something is weird about him.
"I'm fine," he nodded "Yeah no, I'm completely fine it's just I have to go home you se-"
"Home?" Sirius interrupted whilst sitting up "I'm afraid I am not understanding you, Remus? What do you mean you're going home?"
"It's a family emergency," Remus spat out quickly "I have some things going on back at my home right now and I have to go back for the night but I will be back here first thing in the morning." There was a short pause and yet he continued before the others could interrupt "McGonagall and Dumbledore are both aware so it's no concern really but I must go now so you guys can obviously go down for dinner and that without me yeah? Okay great, see you tomorrow then? Yeah by-"
"Remus wai-" It was too late, he had already rushed his way out of the dorm without another word.
That was beyond weird. Family emergency? Something is so odd about him and I can't quite figure it out.
"Family emergency?" Peter said quietly, still staring at the door where he had rushed out of "That has to be important right? Noone ever goes home from Hogwarts like that unless it is super super important and even then it's still weird."
His family... What if it was his family that did that to his back and now- and now he is going back there? Is that why he was so nervous.
"Yeah it must be important," James agreed "Maybe that is why he has been so off this weekend. I don't know, perhaps he's had some bad news or a family member is ill."
"Or dead."
"Yeah alright, Pete," James sighed "Not quite how you speak on a delicate subject."
"I like Remus, I like him a lot," Peter said "But don't you guys find him odd?" Sirius looked up at this, over to Peter and yet stayed silent "Not odd in a bad way like, I've got nothing against him at all but like... Sirius remember earlier?"
"What happened earlier?" James questioned looking between them. Sirius stayed silent, it wasn't his place to mention it and he wasn't going to although he kind of wanted James to know, to see what James thought so he didn't stop Peter from explaining.
"Whilst you were hogging the bathroom-"
"I do not hog th-"
"You so do anyways, Remus had to get changed in here and we looked at his back- not in a pervy way or nothing don't look at me like that it was hard to not look." James' face contorted in a curious way "He had these scars..." Sirius watched Peter's expression change as he looked down to the floor and let the memory flood back to him "They were horrible scars across his back, that wrapped around his waist. They were so weird though like- like- like... claw marks it was weird wasn't it, Sirius? He had loads of them but they were all like three or four parallel to each other that make them look like claw marks. It was disgusting in a way they were so gross I al-"
"They weren't disgusting!" Sirius snapped whilst sitting upright "Don't be nasty about it! They're just scars he can’t help it."
Would people think I'm disgusting too? Do my scars make me disgusting and gross?
"Well no, I know but I just meant like- they were weird scars s'all I wasn't trying to be nasty."
"We know, Pete. Just be careful how you say things because sometimes it doesn't sound as nice as you think it does. I've never seen them." They all looked at each other knowingly and Sirius decided to ask the forbidden question.
"How do you think he got them?"
Silence.
"You say it's like claw marks so it could've been like a cat or something-"
"James, these were not cat scratches if you saw them you would clearly see that. Maybe it wasn't claw scratches and it was something else but it was weird whatever it was. I'll ask him, tomorrow when-"
"You can't just ask him!" Sirius scoffed "He might not want to tell us."
"Sirius is right. It's probably personal and if he wanted to tell us he would. We've only known each other a month so it is understandable if he isn't ready to talk about anything. Plus, whatever the family emergency is I doubt that it's going to be fun or good so now is not the right time to be prying into his life."
"Yeah you're right," Peter agreed
Sirius couldn't help it though. He couldn't help but think and desperately want to know where Remus had got his scars. He wanted to know if Remus was like him, if they were the same.
Although a large part of him wanted Remus to be the same, to have got his scars the same way as he did he also really really wanted anything but that. He didn't want to think that Remus had to go through things like that. Sirius didn't want anyone to have parents that hurt their kids as his did but that longing feeling of wanting someone to understand him was just desperate.
The night was sickeningly beautiful, although, isn't it always? The stars were scattered, each one equally as perfect despite some being dimmer than the others. The stars were a reminder, a reminder of light in dark times. The stars were a promise of light and hope even in the darkness and Sirius clawed to that. The moon was dappled and full, illuminating the sky with its natural glow and it was cloudless, complete and utterly cloudless meaning the sky was completely exposed and all its hidden beauties were on show to the world.
All the first years were in the astronomy tower, they were lucky that there were few of them as the tower lacked in space but it was enough. The Gryffindor's took their side and all sat on the floor, majority of which were either complaining about the cold or being captivated by the sky. People only ever appreciated it when it suited them.
"I am professor Sinistra, I am aware you are all tired but this is an important lesson so please do pay attention. Many of you- if not all- probably know nothing about astronomy or that ways of the world and that is why I am here. In your first years I will be teaching you of the stars and how to locate them. I will be teaching you of the constellations and the movements of the planets and so much more but for your first lesson I simply want to see how much you already know. I handed each of you an empty star chart already and I would like you to see how much you can fill out. I will be walking around to help you all but I would love to see if any of you are familiar with the names of the stars."
Sirius laughed slightly because he could fill out any star chart in his sleep.
He looked up to see Peter and James staring at him in perplexity. "What?"
"How the hell do you know these? Who learns astronomy?"
"James... my name is Sirius." James' face looked blank "You know? The star? Brightest star? Dog star?Alpha canis majoris?"
"Was that even English?" Sirius laughed at Peter and shook his head at their inexperience although it was probably just his family that studied the stars.
"The Black family have this tradition where everyone is named after a star or constellation. Like my dad is called Orion, which is there," he said pointing at the star chart and the two boys quickly write it down as he continued talking "My brothers name is Regulus, which is there. Andromeda is there, that is the name of my favourite cousin. There's Bellatrix too, also a cousin. My uncle Alphard, there. Loads of ancestors of the Black's have the name too but I shan't bore you with the details." The boys looked up in defeat as he stopped talking "Alright alright! That's Cassiopeia, Arcturus, Draco- actually just take my sheet."
"Mr Black," Professor Sinistra spoke from behind, startling him a little "Your sheet is perfect, how is it you know so much?"
"I've studied astronomy for many years, Professor. It is rather traditional in my famil-"
"Oh of course. Yes, yes that explains it well. Your cousins are also very familiar with the ways of the stars so that does make perfect sense. I will have great pleasure in seeing how much you know. Do you enjoy the subject?"
"Very much so, Professor. I'd quite like to discover the mysteries of space. It interests me more than most subjects do."
"I am glad to hear it, I'm sure you will discover some important things in our lessons." With that, she left. Sirius looked back to Peter and James who were giving him odd glances once again. James raised an eyebrow with a grin.
"I'd quite like to discover the mysteries of space," he mocked with a laugh and Sirius threw his quill at him, telling him to shut up and threatening to make them stop copying his sheet.
"Oi Potter!" Marlene called from near them "What's your zodiac sign?"
"My what?"
"He's an aries," Peter said back with a grin and Marlene automatically scoffed and nodded as if it were obvious. James and Peter them quickly fell into a conversation about zodiac signs which had caused Marlene and Mary to quickly get involved, expressing their obviously thought out opinions. Sirius had laughed and watched, staying out of the conversation as he knew it was the safest option until he felt a nudge in his arm.
"Hey, can you tell me these last few?" Bonnie asked whilst pointing at her sheet "I've completely forgotten them and it's driving me nuts." Sirius nodded before reaching to James and stealing his sheet back without him even noticing as he was too busy arguing with Mary about how just because he was a Pisces it did not make him stubborn or short tempered. "Thanks," she said as he passed her the sheet.
Just before he was about to turn back to James he found himself stopping and looking back to Bonnie and down at her sheet.
"Did you have to learn astronomy too?" he asked "I assumed that was just my family."
"Oh, I didn't have to. I just studied it myself a little in my free time that's all." Sirius just nodded "Has your Mother or Father wrote to you since we last spoke?"
It was that pit again, that pit in his stomach that formed at the mention or thought of his parents.
"No they haven't." Bonnie looked up this time, looking at him with a pitiful smile.
"They'll write to you eventually, they can't avoid you forever. What about Regulus?" she asked "Does he still write to you." If anyone else had asked him these questions he would be furious at the prying and intrusion but despite the fact he didn't know Bonnie, he did in a way. Their families were close and they grew up in the same way, being expected of the same things and that just gave them a connection. They weren't exactly friends but they could talk to each other about family as it was something relatable and Sirius trusted her with that. It was a mutual thing in reality because neither of the two would want to speak about family to anyone else without feeling ashamed or exposed and without having to conceal a lot of the truths.
"I uh- no. He's not allowed but it doesn't matter, it's fine. A few months till Christmas and I will see them then anyways. What about your parents? Are they mad at you?" Sirius studied her face, trying to see what she was thinking but she was just so- apathetic. It was impossible to read her. Her eyes were a pretty hazel colour and they showed nothing, showed absoloutely no story and no feelings but Sirius just knew there was so much more.
He found himself wondering if perhaps she would be the one that would relate to him. Her father was a cruel man, he knew that and perhaps he was cruel to her. Perhaps despite her perfect feautures and untouched face she too had scars across her body that told a million secrets and held a million diffenent pains. Perhaps she was like him, she certainly was trapped into an awful family as he was, perhaps they were similar in more ways than one.
"Not really," she admitted "I mean my dad would've preffered if I got into Slytherin because of its reputation but its not like I've had a tradition to uphold. My mother wasn't a Slytherin so it wasn't exactly an expectation although he would be beyond outraged if he had discovered who I have chosen for company. Though I think they stuggle to understand that it isn't just a choice, what am I supposed to do?"
"I think that's a question for somebody else to answer because I have asked myself it many of times and have still failed to find an answ-"
"Sirius," another voice came and as he turned his head Lily was taking a seat in front of him and Bonnie "Where's Remus?"
That isn't my place to say.
"He's not feeling well, he went to the hospital wing for the night."
"Oh yeah he did seem quite unwell today. Hopefully he's alright."
All three boys were oddly quiet walking back to their dorm. They were all horribly tired and drained but the atmosphere just felt off without Remus there with them. There was less to laugh about and even if none of them were prepared to admit it, they were worried.
Despite only knowing each other for a month all the boys had began to make an incredible bond and Sirius was beyond thankful even if he pretended he wasn't.
The truth was, Sirius was being honest when he claimed he didn't care for his parent letter. It was rather relieving not having to worry about what they were going to say every week or what he was going to say every week and instead he was oddly free to live his life. Free to be friends with James and Peter and Remus.
Though he wasn't quite so naïve. He knew it was not that easy nor was pretending the problem didn't exist a good idea but in reality what could he do? he couldn't force his parents to write back and he had done his fair share of writing first and apologising and now he was giving up. He was no longer writing to them or expecting them to write to him, he had accepted it and attempted not to worry although it was so much easier said than done.
"He will be alright," James said as he climbed into bed "He'll be back in the morning."
Nobody asked or replied. They knew who he was on about but it didn't seem to relieve any of them. They weren't quite so aware that Remus had had such a strong effect on them all but their discovery this morning of the scars of pain across his back definitely gave them the opposite of comfort when wondering where he was.
Sirius spent the whole night tossing and turning, taking back every hope he ever had that Remus was like him, that Remus could relate to him because if he was at home with his family at that moment... who's to say he wasn't gaining more scars?