Disregarded
h Leg bouncing. Lip biting. Skin picking. Heart racing. Head pounding. He sat at the breakfast table, anxiously waiting.
It was Monday. Monday was the main post day. Walburga and Orion should've received the letter by now and sent another one in return.
Sirius' breathing was uneasy and mind distant as he looked about the hall without focus.
It was loud and yet all the voices surrounding him sounded muffled and far away, as if his head was submerged under water. He couldn't eat or speak, just waited.
"Come on, mate. You have to eat something. You didn't even eat at dinner last night." James kept trying but Sirius didn't even process his words.
Sirius' heart lurched as owls began to soar through the air, dropping parcels and letters down at the lively children below. He scanned the air, seeing if he could see his owl, Vega, yet he was nowhere to be seen.
He watched as Remus received his letter from his parents. Then James received a letter from his, followed by Peter's letter. His letter never came. His parents hadn't wrote to him.
Sirius wasn't sure if it was relief or disappointment that filled him up. Part of him didn't want a letter because he was too afraid of what his parents were going to say but the other part longed for the reply. Longed for him to open a letter from his parents and be comforted by the idea that everything was alright and that he wasn't to be a family disappointment, yet that was nothing but an unrealistic dream.
"It's barely been two days," Remus said "Maybe they just haven't have time to respond yet. They'll answer eventually."
"Mhmm," Sirius agreed whilst poking his food with a fork "Yeah." He wasn't so convinced.
It was defence against the dark arts first with Professor Atkins. Sirius loved his class, it was his favourite of them all. He was top of the class in most subjects but in Defence against the dark arts he excelled.
"It will be another practical lesson today ladies and gents." James looked to Sirius with a grin "We will be learning the knockback jinx!" A few whispers spread across the class "Now does anyone know the spell for a knockback jinx?" Lily Evans, a slytherin and himself were the only to raise their hands. "Mr Black?" he asked whilst pointing over to him.
"Flipendo, sir."
"5 point to Gryffindor, well done!" The professor taught everyone the hand movements and made sure everyone was aware of the jinx and how to use it. "Not only is it got for knocking people off their feet but it is also brilliant for pushing objects out the way. I will be teaching you how to use this spell both practically and defensively. As I know you all prefer partnering up, we will start with that and learn it as a defence. Follow me next door and we will begin."
Everyone followed Professor Atkins next door to the room referred to as the 'jelly room'. It was used in practical classes when involving children being thrown across the classroom. The floor had an unknown charm on it, allowing everyone to walk on it as normal but when about to hit the ground, the floor would turn jelly-like and soft before the person collided with it. That way it would prevent injuries and Madam Pomfrey wouldn't have a work load of concussed kids.
"I'm afraid after last weeks incident, I have been informed that I have to choose your partners for you." The entire class groaned and expressed their hatred of the idea, Atkins apologised yet couldn't change it.
Peter was partnered with a Slytherin boy named Mulciber who was close friends with Severus Snape. Sirius couldn't help but realise he was oddly creepy looking.
James was partnered with a Hufflepuff called Jack, who he had never spoke to but didn't have a reason to complain.
Remus was parented with Lily Evans and Sirius had a feeling that that would not go too well considering she was very good friends with Severus Snape and Remus and him did not get along.
Sirius was partnered with Bonnie Hallett.
Shit.
He hadn't actually spoke to her before, though she seemed alright and he knew that she was pureblood, their parents knew each other quite well.
"So you're the famous Sirius Black," she said as they made their way over to a clear space in the corner.
"So you're the famous Bonnie Hallet," she smiled before stepping a few feet backwards so as they were a fair distance apart. "Your mums really nice," he said, though regretted it after as he knew speaking of pureblood parents was not always the best topic "Met her a few times, she seems like she doesn't quite belong to the nasty stereotype though, don't you think?" Bonnie looked him up and down before raising her wand as Atkins instructed.
"Yes, my mother is nice. You haven't met my father? Our fathers are great friends, are they not?" Sirius knew her father, yet didn't like him much.
"Yeah they're good work acquaintances." Bonnie nodded before throwing the jinx at him, in which he quickly used the defending charm to block. It was his turn to throw the jinx, though he felt more uncomfortable attempting to jinx a girl he didn't know.
"Don't go easy on me because i'm a girl, I can handle myself."
"I never doubted you couldn't. Flipendo." As expected, she made a clear block. They continued that back and forwards whilst getting lost in conversation.
"How do you feel then? About being in Gryffindor. I'm aware your parents are far from impressed."
"Gryffindor is fine," he admitted bluntly "You're friend with Evans right?" Sirius wouldn't dare speak to others like that, but they were both purebloods bought up in the old fashioned way, they understood.
"Yeah I am, why do you ask?"
"She's muggleborn..." he said whilst watching her expression to try and figure her out. She was unreadable. "Your parents okay with that?"
"You're friends with blood traitors and halfbloods. Your parents okay with that?"
I asked for that one.
Sirius nodded in a mutual agreement. The words had not been spoken and they did not need to be. It was clear from that small conversation that Bonnie was like him.
"There we go then. We are both utterly consumed by the normalised immoral beliefs of the Sacred 32." Sirius said nothing "Your family are the worst of them all, Black."
Sirius' body froze. How dare she say his family were the worst when hers had the same beliefs. He stood in disbelief.
"Flipendo!" she said as he was clearly not paying attention. The jinx hit his stomach in a bright green flash and he was thrown backwards. Feet coming off the floor for a split second before his body collided with the floor. The floor almost swallowed him for a second, allowing him to sink below the jelly-like surface before he was led flat and the floor hardened once again. "Ah! Caught you! I was lying by the way, yours aren't the worst. Would be a bit hypocritical of me to claim ones worse than the other when my family fall into the category. I simply said it to catch you off guard and knock you off you feet," she smiled proudly "You're smart and quick handed, couldn't of hit you with a jinx without throwing your concentration. It's all about the concentration and the guard, Sirius."
Sirius let out a laugh, finding her rather intriguing. She did have a valid point, and her strategy did work though he still didn't know if she really did believe that his family were the worse of them all or she really was just tricking.
"Hand up?" she asked whilst holding her hand down to him to pull him up, Sirius pretended to reach for her hand and instead pointed his wand at her, hitting her with the jinx. Her body flew backwards with a strong jolt before landing on the floor. Sirius laughed to himself before standing up and walking over to her.
"See it's all about the concentration and the guard, Bonnie." Bonnie shook her head and scoffed.
"Okay... okay."
"Right everyone! If we all stop there as lesson has come to an end. Well done everybody, you've all showed some great work today and i'm proud of you all. I'll see you tomorrow, lesson 4."
"Thanks, Sir." Sirius said on the way out the door, whilst meeting up with his friends. Immediately Peter began to complain, yet rightfully so.
"I hate him!" Peter snapped
"Hate's a strong word, Pete," James began "We don't say it unl-"
"I know hate is a strong word but I hate Mulciber." Sirius laughed and patted him on the back. "You all had good partners!"
"Nah, Remus had Evans," James scoffed "Bet that was fun."
"Oh she's actually really nice," Remus said "She knows i'm struggling with my charms work and asked if I wanted to go to the library with her to study because she's struggling on it as well." James shot Remus a look and Sirius couldn't quite grasp why.
"I would help you with your charms, you never told me you were struggling."
"It's just not come up," Remus said defensively and the boys decided to leave it at that.
There was a loud cacophony of deafening bangs coming from down the hall. A strong smell of smoke and fire filled the air around them. The four boys looked at each other questionably before rushing down the corridor and taking a right, following the sounds until the arrived at the courtyard.
Firecrackers were erupting in the sky, letting a flowering of colour fall down in sparks. Crowds formed quickly, intrigued by the loud chaos.
Sirius looked around, wondering who was behind the act until his eyes met the Prewett twins. Both boys were brandishing their wands, letting colourful wisps fly out of them and form into an array of shapes. It was stunningly beautiful. The soft colours flew out of their wands and up into the sky, creating letters across in the air.
Everyone watched in admiration and fascination as the letters began to form a sentence.
The twins had a dexterity for pranking and causing mischief. The pair were incorrigible and their skill was inimitable.
The display was alluring and the crowd began laughing and cheering at the words that were beginning to hover in the air.
GRYFFINDOR'S RULE SLYTHERIN'S DROOL
Was written in bright colours and fireworks began to go off again sporadically. Scattering red and gold sparks throughout the air as the twins jauntily walked in circles in the middle of the courtyard.
"MCGONAGALL IS COMING!" someone yelled to Fabian and Gideon and they both winked in sync before bowing lowly.
"Right on cue, hey Fab?"
"Right on cue," the identical boy agreed. With that, the boys threw their hands up in the air before throwing something on the floor which created a harsh bang before the courtyard began to be consumed within red, scentless smoke.
Chaos broke loose as everyone's sight was being robbed from them, all anyone could see was red, cloudy smoke. Sirius flapped his hands in front of his face, attempting to push it away and eventually the air began to clear and the red smoke somehow gradually vanished.
Everyone was stood in exactly the same spot, except now McGonagall was in the middle of the courtyard and yet Gideon and Fabian were nowhere to be seen.
"How the hell did they get out, everywhere is blocked!" James questioned in shock.
"I haven't a clue," Peter answered whilst looking around.
A hand grasped Sirius' and James' shoulder, making them jump and spin around only to see Gideon himself whilst Fabian gripped Peter and Remus' shoulder.
"That's the power of misdirection boys," one said.
"The power of magic," the other finished before stepping back and disappearing into the loud crowd.
"They are so cool," Sirius admitted "I aspire to be like them one day."
"One day, us four are going to be the best pranksters this castle has ever seen. I promise you that," James grinned. Even Remus seemed to be in awe of them every time they pulled a new stunt.
September 13th 1971
They haven't responded. Remus is convinced it's purely because I haven't given them enough time to respond but I know it's not that.
I messed up didn't I?
Perhaps they will respond soon. I'll give them the benefit of the doubt considering it has only been two days but I can feel my hope withering away from me- whether I even had any to begin with I don't know.
The days seemed to go by in a constant cycle.
Waking from a restless sleep before spending an excruciatingly nerve-racking half an hour at breakfast, wondering whether or not a letter will arrive. One never did. Then to be distracted throughout the day, lost in the excitement of his still new life until the moon began to exchange places with the sun.
The night carried more than one darkness. It didn't just make the world fall quite and calm, it didn't just darken the night sky and leave Sirius to be enamoured by the velvety, eternal beauty of the darkened sky. It carried a darkness that pulled at Sirius' chest, constricting him into unhappiness.
It never betrayed him, the darkness of the night was always nearing. It's like his mind had adjusted into thinking that nighttime was the only time he was allowed to mourn the lack of a functional family. Each, and every, night he laid awake being hauled into the darkest and cruelest of thoughts and memories.
His mind consumed him, it was so much to handle sometimes he truly felt that his thoughts would suffocate him as he slept. Walburga and Orion's words haunted him, replaying in his mind like a broken record. He hadn't remembered a time where he last fell asleep, not thinking of some vile thoughts.
"Toujours pur, Sirius."
"It's your fault."
"You continue to disappoint me."
"You will grow to be just as your father and I."
"Punishment will occur."
"We wish not to hurt you but to teach you."
"If you dare to defy me-"
"You will be coerced if not."
The words could go on forever. Sirius was haunted by his family and although he hated it, it comforted him in a way he wished it didn't. That feeling never left him, it was always there in the depths of his chest- the depths of his mind. His family would never ever leave him. They would stay with him forever, in his mind.
September 14th 1971
No letter.
September 15th 1971
No letter.
September 16th 1971
No letter.
Sirius attempted to scramble to his feet but his body was so weak, so frail, that he couldn't manage it. Uncontrollable tears fell from his eyes as he looked up at his mother who was edging closer and closer to the Black family tree.
"Mother, please!" he begged. His body throbbing and burning from the intense punishment it had just withstood yet he did not care for that. He didn't care about the pin-pricking sensation aching his legs, nor for the blood tricking down his nose. He didn't care that the pressure in his head was so high that he thought his eyes might just pop out of their sockets. He didn't care. The irremediable sorrow that filled him up, and the emotional pain, was so much worse than any physical pain could ever feel.
Gloom was beginning to work its way into his mind, overtaking the layers of unsettling emotions he was feeling.
"I'M SORRY!" he screamed, so loud and so raw that it was heartbreaking to hear, yet Walburga showed no signs of care. His own yells ripped at his throat "DON'T DO IT!" Walburga was raising her wand to Sirius' painting on the tree.
It was too late. Her mind was made.
A plaintive sob escaped his lips before he screamed in rage. "THIS IS YOUR FAULT! YOU DID THIS TO ME! YOU MADE ME THIS WAY! IF YOU WEREN'T PREPARED TO LOVE AND CARE FOR A CHILD THEN YOU SHOULDN'T OF HAD ONE!"
Heart twisting. Tears falling. Body hurting. Cries escaping. Voice thick with grief.
"I hate you, Mother!" His voice was shaky, fuelled with anger, hatred and disgust. An ache pushed against his heart and his throat constricted. "I hate you."
"I am no longer your Mother. You are no longer my So-"
Sirius felt a touch on his shoulder and flinched, jolting his body up and opening his eyes wide in desperation.
His breathing was heavy and sharp. Looking around, gripping the sheets of his bed. Remembering where he was, and falling to the conclusion that it was just a dream. A nightmare.
The touch in his shoulder had been from James, attempting to wake him up.
"Sirius..." he whispered but Sirius was so consumed by the memory of the dreams he hadn't even heard him "Sirius! It was just a nightmare!" Sirius looked to him and moved his head in an almost imperceptible nod. "You okay?"
James berated himself for the stupid question as he could see the glistening of tears in Sirius' eyes that were pleading to be freed. James climbed into Sirius' bed without permission and sat besides him. "It's okay you know?" he whispered "To cry, I mean."
"I'm fine," Sirius said though the hurt in his voice betrayed him.
"I know you're not okay and that's fine. My mum says it's good to feel sad sometimes, she says it shows us that we're real and aren't monsters." Sirius turned to him in bewilderment, waiting for him to continue "I cry, it's nothing to be embarrassed about."
"My mother says that crying is a sign of weakness. She says that Black's should never cry because we are too good to cry." James shrugged slightly.
"I don't think she's got that right. Nobody is ever too good to cry." It was Sirius' turn to shrug this time. "What was your dream about?" He shook his head not wanting to answer but then after a second of silence he couldn't help but say it.
"My mother blew me off the family tree." Sirius could see the confusion in James' face. "That means she disowned me."
"Ah... is this because they haven't been answering your letters?"
"And other stuff too," Sirius shrugged. "Do your parents love you?" he asked. The need to cry had faded slightly, as he felt safer not being alone.
"Of course they love me."
"But how do you know?" James tilted his head slightly before leaning down, letting his head sink into one of Sirius' pillows as Sirius just looked down at him.
"Well... I just do. I mean, they tell me they love me all the time and if they didn't love me they wouldn't be so nice to me. They're really brilliant my parents. I'm sure they love me as much as I love them. All parents love their kids. I don't think anyone's parents really hate them."
"I think mine do," Sirius sighed whilst turning around and laying down in the spot next to James. Sirius would be forever grateful for James. Even though they'd only recently met, Sirius felt as if they had this indescribably, incomparable bond that neither of them mentioned. "I don't think they would hurt me so much if they loved me would they?" he said whilst turning to face James.
"They hurt you?" he asked whilst turning his head to meet Sirius' eyes. Though it was incredibly dark, they were so close to each other they could still make out each other's features. "As in... hit you?"
Sirius looked deep within James' eyes. Not saying the words but hoping, praying, James would understand the words behind his silence. Sirius had never told a soul about what his parents were really like and what they did to him. Of course Regulus had seen the vast majority of it- or at least heard it- but nobody outside of the house had any idea. Until now because James could hear his unspoken words. "Oh Siri-"
"Can we talk about something else now?" Sirius interrupted whilst turning his head to look at the top of his bed, avoiding James' gaze "Please?" After a few seconds James spoke.
"If you were an animal what animal would you be?"
Sirius burst out into laughter, trying to be quiet as to not wake the others but he couldn't help it. That had been the most random thing going and yet he probably should've expected it by now.
"I'm serious!" James said "I want to know what animal you would b-"
"No. You're James, I'm Sirius."
They both laughed that time. They had a feeling that that joke was never going to grow old.
"I recon i'd be a lion you know?" James said "They're brave and powerful. They're strong an-"
"egotistic?" Sirius asked, earning him a nudge in the ribs. "I'm kidding. I think you'd make a great lion." He thought out loud for a second, umming and ahing until footsteps interrupted his thinking.
Sirius and James exchanged a look, both trying to figure out which boy had just gotten out of bed until the bottom curtain of Sirius' bed was drawn open and Peter was standing there.
They should've known it was Peter. Remus' bed was the one next to Sirius. Sirius' bed was next to the bathroom and opposite James' and Peters' was closest to the door, next to James'.
"I'd be a giraffe!" he said confidently. The laughter between them was so loud and honest that it definitely woke Remus up but they couldn't help it.
"A giraffe?!" Sirius questioned through laughter.
"Yeah!" Peter said whilst jumping on the bed, sitting on Sirius' feet. "What's wrong with giraffes? I went to a muggle thing called a zoo once and it was spectacular! The giraffes are my favourite."
James and Peter began discussing why he was a giraffe until Sirius decided to call for Remus, knowing that no sane person could sleep through their chaos, despite it being far too late- or rather far too early- to be awake.
"Oi Remus!" Sirius said, loud enough for him to hear, just in case. After a small moment of silence Remus' quavering, tired voice spoke from the bed next to his. He didn't realise quite how close Remus' bed was to his and felt that him and James should've made more of an effort to be quiet but it was a bit too late now.
"Sirius... if you're about to ask me what animal I am, I think I might just have to come over there and hit you with my pillow."
Peter and James laughed as Sirius said "What animal would you be if you were an animal?" They hushed themselves, waiting to hear Remus' curtains open and feet hit the floor. Remus lit the lantern on his bestie table before dragging Sirius' curtain open and, as promised, threw his pillow directly at Sirius' head.
Remus took the last remaining space on the end of the bed at James' feet, next to Peter. The lantern created a crimson glow and the boys could now see each other clearly.
"I'd be a fox," Remus said as they all looked at him. Sirius thought about it for a second and decided that a fox rather matched Remus. Can be aggressive but also shy to strangers, it made sense.
"SEE!" James yelled to Peter "His makes logical sense. Where is the logic in a giraffe?!"
"Well what's Sirius' animal?!" Peter argued. Sirius shrugged, he didn't know who he really was or who he wanted to be and they expected him to know what animal he would be?
"A dog," Remus said confidently "Sirius is 100% a dog."
"What's that supposed to mean?!" Sirius argued whilst throwing Remus' pillow back in his direction but he caught it before it hit him.
"I never said it was a bad thing! Just think you would be a dog."
"I see that," James admitted and Peter also agreed.
And so the boys sat there until the morning sun began to shaft it's way through their dorm curtain, and spoke about the most bizarre and random of things until they couldn't physically stay awake any longer.
Moments like that were what made Sirius believe he made the right choice. How could he possible hate three boys that claimed they were meant to be a fox, a giraffe and a lion?
The boys slept all day, they were lucky it was a free Friday, meaning they had no lessons otherwise they would've all ended up in McGonagall's office for a detention.
September 17th 1971
I got a letter!!!!