The Realisation
Sirius pulled his knees to his chest, letting the scorching hot water burn his back as he faded away into his own thoughts.
His back had practically fully healed now, it had stopped hurting and just left ragged, scabrous scars behind. In some sick, twisted way Sirius missed the pain. He missed the constant reminder of his parents that was attached to his skin. He allowed the water to burn his back, yet it didn't give him the same comfort he longed for. He believed that his parents hurt him out of love, that his mother hit him to help him grow into a better person and to erase his mistakes. In an unexplainable way, abuse and toxicity was how Sirius' parents showed them he loved him, or that's what he chose to believe.
Homesickness riddled him, making him feel lonely and lost. It unmanned him and he couldn't grasp the reasoning behind it. All he wanted was his little brother. Regulus was the only one that would be able to make Sirius feel less withdrawn from the world.
Nobody had ever prepared him for Hogwarts or for getting into Gryffindor. Most of the first years were settling now, over a week had passed and they had made their friends and found their way around the castle. Most of them missed their families but they found comfort in the school but Sirius did not.
Sirius regretted loving the feeling of being untouchable because now he just felt more alone than ever before. Being forbidden from making friends, yet desperately wishing more than ever to be allowed to make happy memories with the boys and be free to call them his friends. Having that feeling in the back of his mind with every move that he made that what he was doing was wrong and disapproving, it was draining. He was exhausted. He needed someone. He needed Regulus.
The sun was delicate and luminous today. It wasn't warm enough to call it hot yet not cold enough to call it cold. Many were outside, enjoying the air of a Saturday lunch time and yet Sirius was alone, wandering through the castle as he didn't have the mental capacity to pretend to be troubleless and happy with his 'friends that weren't his friends'.
Considering he was living in a place with hundreds of people, and was barely ever alone, loneliness consumed him. The feeling of being an outcast, the feeling of not fitting in was fatiguing.
Sirius was told he never would've fit in within the Slytherins, and that he didn't belong there and was placed in Gryffindor instead where he supposedly 'belonged' although there was a constant reminder of disappointment as he was told that he shouldn't be there either and knew he couldn't enjoy it freely. Wherever he went, he didn't fit.
The house of Black was not a home. Gryffindor was not pleasurable. Slytherin was not his. What and who did he have?
Sirius wasn't even convinced his own parents loved him, and if his parents wouldn't love him then who would?
"Sirius?!" Andromeda said as she approached him "What are you doing sat all on your own in a random corridor?" she asked whilst looking at the deserted corridor in which he was sat. He shrugged, not bothering to speak. This was the first time she had seen him since the howler. She could tell he was unhappy and took a seat next to him, sliding her back down the wall and sitting on the floor. "Homesick?" he nodded slowly, though he wasn't sure that was the right word.
"I was too when I first came here, but then this became my home. It does get easier you know? I bet you miss Regulus."
More than anything.
"I do," he admitted for the first time. Sirius felt like crying, his emotions were just getting the best of him and he was so tired of keeping everything locked away behind the walls he built in his mind. "I don't think this will ever be my home, Anders. I don't like it here."
That was a lie and it wasn't. He did like it there, in fact he loved it but it was the expectations of his life there that he hated.
"Why's that?" she asked softly.
"I'm trapped. Don't you see that?" he said, pressing his head against the wall and looking up at the high ceiling. He trusted her, he wasn't afraid to speak what he really felt with her. In fact, she was the only person she could talk to like this, not even Regulus. "Wherever I go they control me. I don't understand any of it, Andromeda. How can I ever enjoy this school when i'm constantly having to worry about what I do, who I speak to and who i'm friends with?" he asked.
"Your parents?" she asked, though she already knew the answer. Sirius turned his head to look at her.
"They don't love me, do they?" He asked it as question and yet meant it as a statement. Andomreda's heart shattered. She turned to meet his eyes and saw the tears begging to be released, and heard the crack in his voice that revealed his inner pain.
"Oh, Sirius," She whispered, pulling him in to hug him tightly. How she wished she could take his pain. This wasn't a feeling she was unused to. "They do... They do love you, they just don't know how to show it."
"I hate it. I hate it that I can't be friends with good people. I know what they say about muggleborns and halfbloods Anders, I know what i'm supposed to think of them but I just don't. I don't think they're bad, I can't understand it. All the muggleborns i've spoke to since being here are- normal. I wouldn't even know the difference. In fact, most of them are nicer than our family."
Andromeda just stayed silent and let him speak. Allowed him to let it all out because she understood.
"The boys in my dorm are so nice Andromeda. They're nice and funny and they've never once been mean to me even though I keep saying i'm not allowed to be friends with them. Two are purebloods but they're nothing like us, they're so much better. They're 'traitors' but I don't see why that's wrong? And the other boy is a halfblood and he's great too. There's nothing wrong with them, so why must I hate them and claim i'm better than them when i'm not?
Mother and Father are mad at me still and won't answer my letters. Regulus isn't even replying anymore and I feel like i'm on my own because the only people who are trying to be here for me right now are the people i'm not supposed to speak too. I shouldn't have to choose family or friends. I just want things to go back to how they were at home. I want to go home and forget Hogwarts even exists. I don't want to be a Gryffindor if it means I lose my family. I don't know what to do. Nobody understands.
I'm being pulled and pushed in different directions and I can't even figure out what I want because i'm too scared of losing my family. Will I really lose them Andromeda? Will they hate me forever? I don't think I can handle them hating me forever. I want parents, I want a brother."
Andromeda felt sympathetic and pitiful towards him. It wasn't easy. It wasn't normal for a child to have to live a life as he lived but they were Black's it was just how it was. She gave him a weak smile unsure of how she really could successfully comfort him because deep down she knew he had to make sacrifices.
He could choose happiness and yet be an outcast, which could just make him unhappy anyway or he could choose unhappiness and still have family. One shouldn't have to choose between family and happiness.
"It isn't easy Sirius, I won't pretend it is. You have to make sacrifices. You have to be strong and brave. You have to decide what you want. What do you want Sirius."
He thought for a second, thinking about his perfect ideal lifestyle.
"I want to have a family that love me no matter what decisions I make. I don't want to be considered a failure if I have different beliefs. I want Mother and Father to love me and let me be friends with the boys in my dorm."
"That won't ever happen though, Sirius." Although Sirius already knew that, his last shred of hope was robbed from him. "Your mother and father will never ever change their beliefs because they're degenerates. They believe they are perfect, our whole family does, and that will not change until we change. You don't want to be like them, I can see that and you don't have to.
I know how you feel Sirius. I really do, i'm the same. I do not have anything against muggleborns or anyone for that matter, as i've told you i'm dating a muggleborn an-"
"Your mum doesn't know that though does she?" Andromeda shook her head.
"Not yet, my sisters do but I bribed them into not telling but this christmas when we go back home I am going to tell them. I'm going to tell them that I do not believe in our family values and that I am not going to be like them."
"They'll blast you off the family tree!" Sirius gasped.
"Then so be it," she said without a care "I don't care, Sirius. They're my family and I love them, of course I do but if they love me they'll accept me, if they don't then i'll know i'm better off without them. Why should I change for them? This is who I am. I don't ask them to change, so why should I change?"
Sirius stayed silent, and really thought about what she was saying.
"I think you should do what you want to do Anders. Don't let our family stop you from being happy. Don't trap yourself in them. I already know they're trying to get you to marry, don't do it if you don't want to. I think you're brave for telling them and if all of them hate you, I won't." Andromeda's smile had never looked so genuine in her life. She looked so proud of Sirius.
"Sirius, listen to what you just said." Sirius looked at her confusingly "Don't let our family stop you from being happy. Don't trap yourself in them. You should do what you want to do." Andromeda repeated and Sirius' heart sank. He knew she was right- or rather he was right. He may be young but he was no fool but he just couldn't do it.
"It's not the same."
"Why isn't it?"
After a prolonged silence Sirius answered.
"Because I'm 11," he said "Because i'm 11 years old and need my parents. You have two summers with your parents before you can leave or do whatever you want. You have options because you're older. You can protect yourself and stand up for yourself and cannot be controlled as I can. Because i'm not just a Black. I am the heir."
Andromeda said nothing because she knew, she knew he was completely right.
"Because you're not the eldest. Bellatrix is priority of the three of you. You're still important, you still matter but one day you won't be a Black, your name will change and your children will not bear our name. I understand their expectations of you are still high but- and I don't mean to be rude but mine are higher. I carry everything. I carry our whole family name on my shoulders because me and Reggie are the only two Black's that can continue our dynasty. My parents will not allow me to ruin that and I can not let this responsibility fall onto Regulus' shoulders because he will not ever be able to cope with it. He will collapse under the weight of our parents because, as much as I love him, all he seeks is acceptance and he will never be able to stand up for himself. So, it isn't the same. It'll never be the same."
"It's not the same," Andromeda admitted "But that doesn't mean you can't still get freedom from the-"
"I can't get freedom from them without jeopardising Regulus."
"Who's to say Regulus won't want the same thing? He can have freedom too if he wants to. It is not your responsibility to save him. I know you're his older brother, but he is his own person with his own mind and own beliefs. I've tried and i've tried to convince Cissy to leave with me when she comes of age but she won't because she's too afraid an-"
"Maybe i'm too afraid."
"You're not. I know you're not, you just need a little push and maybe a few years to hit that realisation but considering you're 11 and already know right from wrong I can tell that you're too good to stay in our family even if you do fear being disowned. I know it's hard to hear Sirius, and i'm not saying this to upset you, but our family are not good people." Sirius didn't look at her, and just listened. It was all things he had already known deep down but he never wanted to accept it.
Children should grow being inspired by their family. Looking up to their parents with pride and love but no, the Black's were not like that. They were all for show.
"If you don't get out of it Sirius you will be miserable and hated on are you understanding me? You will hate yourself because you're not like them. Do you want to hate muggleborns? Do you think they should be killed because of how they're born?"
"No," he said quickly "Not at all."
"Then get out of that house as soon as you can Sirius. Put a little trust in me because I know what i'm talking about. Family are meant to love and accept you no matter what, not force you to be unhappy. You will have family that will still love you for you okay? You have me, always. I want you to be happy and I won't be able to stand seeing you grow up to be one of them. Don't do it, Sirius. Don't become the problem, become the change."
Become the change.
Sirius was a child. His emotions were all over the place. He idolised all sorts of people, he was indecisive, his mood constantly changed, he was a child of course he was like that but Andromeda was someone he idolised always had and always will.
"I'm scared," he admitted.
"And that's completely normal, it's okay to be scared Sirius. But it's not okay to let your fears over power you and control you. You have to control your fears. You make the choices and your fears follow. You don't follow your fears."
Sirius nodded understandably. He understood. He did.
"You're a Gryffindor and you know what that means?" she asked and didn't continue in until he looked at her "It means you're brave and courageous. I truly think that the world is going to remember you, Sirius. I think that you are going to be the change I always wanted. Now yes, i'm being the change but i've left it too late to make a big enough impact but you Sirius- you can change the meaning of our last name. You're Sirius Black, you can do anything."
Sirius stood up rather fast, and Andromeda stood up after. Sirius stepped forwards, swinging his arms around her in a tight embrace.
"I'm glad someone believes in me, I appreciate it. I think I know what to do now." Sirius went to rush down the corridor before spinning back around quickly "Thanks by the way! Also, when are you going to introduce me to this mystery Ravenclaw? I'm intrigued. Say hi to Cissy for me, not Bella I don't like her." Andromeda just smiled and nodded as she watched Sirius rush down the corridors.
He charged into his dorm, being met by the others. Peter and Remus were sat playing wizards chess and James was on his bed, dangling off the side of it upside down doing who knows what.
"Where the hell have you been?!" James questioned as he walked in. Sirius jumped on Peter's bed, jumping over the chess board and off the other end of the bed making a straight line to the desk.
"Sorry boys!"
"And you couldn't have gone round the bed?!" Peter scoffed as he fixed the pieces on the board.
"Ah, you ask me where i've been Potter. I have been out, discovering my true needs in life." The three gave each other odd glances having no clue what he was talking about. "You see, Anders is a smart girl- like me- well not a girl obviously because i'm a boy an- okay okay off topic anyways," he continued whilst grabbing parchment and a quill and throwing it onto the table "I have come to a realisation my friends. That's right friends."
"You've come to the realisation we're friends?" Remus asked "Good for you but we've been friends since first day you've just been in denial."
"What is your great realisation, mate?"James questioned, sitting up.
"I am Sirius Black," he said.
"Really?" Remus questioned with a loud gasp "I thought you were Albus Dumbledore." Sirius gave him a look.
"I am Sirius Black, which means I can do what I want."
"Right..." Peter said with uncertainty as Sirius turned round and began writing on the parchment.
"I have come to the great realisation that you three do not deserve to die because of your beliefs." The others had no idea what he was talking about, and just awaited his explanation. "Because I am no better than you lot- well actually I am," he sidetracked "Because I'm the best but not because of my blood more because of my dashing good looks, excellent talent in everything, my- okay this list could go on but you get the jist."
"Are you alright?" Peter asked. Sirius spun around, parchment in hand, smiling broadly.
"Mother and father," he read the aloud. "You are about to become profoundly disappointed in me and as much as I hate to disappoint you, it it unavoidable. With great consideration I have decided that I will not just be friends with purebloods that aren't blood traitors but I will be friends with anyone that seems good enough, whether that be purebloods, halfbloods, muggleborns or even muggles themselves." He said this proudly whilst looking at the other's reactions.
"I can do nothing but hope that you both won't hate me and that you will grow to accept my decision as just and fair. Just because I have defied you in this way, it does not mean I am a bad son. I'm sorry for any distress this causes and I am just doing what feels right as you told me that us Black's are brave and to be brave I must stand up for what I believe in. I do not expect you to be proud of me, but I do hope you will not see me any differently.
I would apologise for this but I feel like that is not the right thing to do. Throughout my years, you have never given me a valid reason for your hatred on those who are different so therefore I think it is not too unreasonable for me to form these opinions.
I beg that you do not hate me. I am no different than I was before.
Sirius."
Silence.
He began to feel uncomfortable in the silence, it wasn't the reaction he had expected. Was he making a mistake? Was he wrong about them? Was this worth it?
James jumped off the bed and approached Sirius quickly. Without reason fear and uncertainty quickly etched at Sirius until James jumped forwards, wrapping his arms around Sirius tightly.
At first he stiffened at the touch, he had only ever hugged Regulus and Andromeda in his entire existence. After a second he softened to the touch, wrapping his arms around James in return and feeling comforted by the touch of him.
"Are you actually going to send that to them?" he whispered so that the others couldn't hear "I'm proud of you mate, I know that can't be easy."
"I just hope they don't hate me. They're my parents, they'll love me no matter what, right?"
"Of course," James said, though the way he hugged him tighter made Sirius question the honesty behind his words "We're friends now buddy, you won't regret it. I promise."
"I'm so glad we can be friends," Peter said "I like you."
"Good for you," Remus smiled whilst nodding over to Sirius "That's actually a really good thing to do. Also kinda glad i'm not sharing a dorm with someone who thinks I should be killed because my mothers a muggle."
"Couldn't kill you," Sirius said "You'll only come back as a ghost and say some sarcastic remark that'll make me want to kill myself anyways." Remus grinned and shrugged at the accuracy and they all went back to doing what they were doing, trying not to make a fuss. "I'll send this to the owlery, I'll come back so we can head to dinner."
The second he shut the dorm door he froze and let out a deep exhale.
Am I making a mistake?
What if they hate me forever?
Will they blow me off the tapestry?
I can't to this.
I'm not brave enough.
It's the right thing to do.
Maybe...
Don't become the problem, become the change.
Though there was more sense in not sending it. Though he was about to put his entire life at risk and possibly ruin his chances of having a parents love he did it. He posted the letter. Not for himself, not even necessarily for his friends but for Andromeda. Because she had spent too long pretending to be someone she was not just because it was the easy option.
Andromeda had believed in Sirius. No one had ever believed in him before, he couldn't let her down already.
Distress was about to be Sirius' new comfort. Worry would not leave him. It wouldn't allow him to sleep and it would not allow him to eat. He was unaware that doing this would make him stay in a state of harrow for days. Dreading, waiting, anticipating on the reply from his parents.
He wouldn't be able to handle rejection from them. The second he watched his owl take off with the letter guilt and regret surged through him, sticking to his insides.
That awful gut feeling that something terrible was going to happen automatically made his stomach lurch.
Gryffindor was not the beginning.
This. This was the beginning.
He did not choose Gryffindor.
Though he did choose this.
Sirius hadn't realised the complexity of it. He hadn't realised he had just simply been choosing to be morally right, or have friends. Of course he was aware his parents would be beyond disappointed but he didn't realise the true extent of his actions.
Sirius had just caused an uprising.
Sirius had just started the change that he wished to see in his family, and it was going to absolutely eviscerate him.
What have I just done...