Choices
Morning light began to fill the room, shifting it's way through the curtains, it was still far too early to be awake yet Sirius was. He had spent majority of the night tossing and turning, half expecting something terrible to happen but nothing did. The others were still sleeping soundly in their beds and low snores were coming from the other side of the room.
Sirius climbed out of bed, taking a moment to look around the dorm. He hadn't really focused on anything that night before. There was a small circular table that stood in the corner of the room with four chairs and one fairly large window that had a blanket and pillows piled on one corner. Each of them had a small bedside table with a lamp on top.
Trying his best to not wake the others he pulled his trunk from underneath his bed and opened it up. Not bothering getting dressed just yet so instead he pulled out his diary with a quill and some ink and headed back to sit on his bed, leaving his trunk on the floor.
Pages and pages filled with his deepest and most random thoughts. He would often only write in it after something bad or really good had happened. He had nobody to talk to, of course there was Regulus but he couldn't truly talk about his feelings with him. Regulus saw Sirius get abused multiple times and it hurt him to watch so Sirius pretended it didn't hurt or he didn't care but deep down all he wanted was to sit and talk about everything and anything that had ever hurt him but he never could... so instead he wrote.
September 2nd 1971
I imagined that it would feel weird, waking up in Hogwarts after spending so many years stuck in that house, but what felt even weirder was waking up in a Gryffindor dorm. I'm scared... I'll admit it. I am absolutely terrified. No Black has ever dared been anything but a Slytherin and yet here I am, heir to the house of Black now in Gryffindor. Mother's going to hurt me... Mother's going to hurt me real bad.
Am I bad now? Did I do something to deserve this? Why me? Perhaps Mother and Father won't care that I'm not in Slytherin. Merlin, one could only hope.
The boys here are nice. Three of them I share a room with and they're great, I wish I could be friends with them. James Potter is the best but Mother would forbid me to be friends with him. She says I must only be friends with the pure who aren't blood traitors. I wish I could understand, understand why I must hate them.
I wish things could be different. I wish I was as good as Reggie... I bet he won't get in trouble and I bet he will get into Slytherin. Why can't I just be good?
Sirius closed his diary and shoved it under his pillow before spreading his arms out and flopping backwards onto the bed. He stared up above him and just breathed for a moment. For some reason being in that room was less scary than waking up in his own bedroom. Sirius wasn't a fool, he knew his parents were going to be very angry at what had happened but even so, Sirius couldn't help but be so very glad he was in Hogwarts. They couldn't physically hurt him until Christmas at least. They couldn't hurt him just yet.
The curtain on the bed next to him dragged open and Sirius jolted up and looked to his side. Remus climbed out of bed, looking as if he hadn't slept in the past three weeks, and looked over to Sirius. Sirius smiled awkwardly, shrugging his shoulders, it was unusual to wake up in a room full of people who were practically strangers.
Remus shrugged his shoulders back with a slight smile before making his way over to the bathroom. Neither boy wanted to speak first and they weren't exactly sure why. Sirius sat up, mind racing with thoughts as Remus was in the bathroom. He wasn't sure what the day was going to be like but he imagined it wouldn't go great. The thought of receiving a letter from his mother terrified him but Sirius wasn't even sure if Walburga and Orion knew that he got into Gryffindor. He guessed that Bellatrix or Narcissa would've ratted him out immediately after the ceremony.
Little snakes.
The bathroom door opened and Remus walked out with a look of confusion on his face. He looked from Sirius to the bathroom, debating on asking a question but Sirius was already intrigued.
"What are you doing?" Sirius asked whilst crossing his legs and looking over to him.
"I wanted to shower," Remus answered.
"Right... so why don't you?" Remus looked down at his feet and then back up, looking rather shy.
"I don't know how to work the shower." Sirius laughed and shook his head "It's not my fucking fault!" Sirius froze and fell silent before beginning to laugh even more at the foul language. He was never allowed to swear back home, he accidentally did once and it didn't go down very well.
"You've got some nasty language, don't you Lupin?"
"Have you seen the shower?! There's about three different shower heads and no taps! How the hell do you start a shower with no taps?" Sirius thought it was funny that he was completely unaware of how to work a shower.
"Do you not have a shower back home?"
"No... I don't have a shower I just go outside and wash myself with a bloody hose every time I need to wash," Remus sighed sarcastically "Of course I have a shower, it's just muggle showers are different." Sirius scoffed and jumped off his bed and headed towards him.
"Come on... I'll show you." Sirius showed him how to work the shower and left him alone. As he walked back into the room James was opening the curtains on his bed and jumping out of bed.
"PETERRRRRRRR!" James yelled from the top of his lungs before running over and diving straight through the curtains of his bed and waking him up. Sirius watched from the distance and scrutinised them, trying to find out everything he could about the three of them just from the short time he had been with them.
James was the outgoing, loud, fun one who clearly, was most definitely, a morning person. Peter seemed to be averagely normal. Not too loud, not too quiet. Peter appeared to be the type of person who did not have a single secret. He would be an open book, everyone would end up knowing his thoughts before he even knew them himself.
"Come on Pete! Get up and get dressed! First day of school we have been waiting for this!" Sirius felt a twinge of envy whilst looking over at James and Peter. From what he learnt yesterday they had been best friends since babies. Peter's mother was apparently best friends with James' and they lived fairly close to each other so they grew up together. It made him miss Regulus even more and he made a mental note to write to him as soon as he had chance to.
After a few groans of complaints Peter climbed out of bed, still half asleep. James ran back to his bed and jumped on the end and sat, looking over at Sirius with a bright smile on his face.
"Are you excited?" James asked "Maybe we will have flying practice today! Or defence against the dark arts!" Sirius loved his enthusiasm. He thought that the others might of been rude to him in the morning considering Sirius had told them he wasn't allowed to be friends but the boys acted as if they didn't care. "Aren't you happy we are all in the same house? Me, you, Pete and Remus are going to be best friends. I don't care what you say if I'm honest, if it takes me 2 years to convince you to be my friend then I'll wait!"
"James... give him a bloody break. It's half past 8. I'm not surprised he doesn't want to be friends with us if you're acting-"
"No..." Sirius quickly interrupted Peter "It's not that I don't want to be friends with you. It's that I can't." He couldn't explain it. Sirius didn't even know why he couldn't be friends with them. He just knew he couldn't be because Sirius was 'an heir to a great family' he couldn't associate with 'blood traitors' or 'halfbloods' or 'muggles' or anyone his parents didn't see as equals. Sirius was taught that they were all bad but nobody had ever given him a reasoning behind it.
"Well... if you can't be friends with us we can still hang out right? I mean we share a dorm and have all our lessons together and you don't want to be stuck with the girls," James shuddered with a look of disgust. Sirius thought he was right, he couldn't be left all alone, he couldn't be told off if they didn't consider each other 'friends' right?
The four of them got ready for breakfast, they dressed in their school robes and sorted out their school bags, filled with all the books they may need. Nerves ate at Sirius a little as he wondered if one of his cousins may come and speak to him at breakfast yet he tried to avoid the thought.
"Remus... you don't have to make your bed. The house elves will do it," Peter explained as Remus began tidying up after himself "Do you have a house elf?"
"No... I can tidy up after myself and it's not very nice to make elves do all the work."
"The elves like doing the work," James added "We have a house elf called Nancy, she loves her job. Suppose she's practically family at this point, celebrates Christmas with us and everything."
With wands, bags and maps they headed down to breakfast. They didn't get too lost on the way down as all of the students seemed to be heading in the same direction, to the great hall, so they ended up just following them.
Once again, Sirius began picking at the skin around his nails until they began to bleed. He entered the great hall with the other boys and headed straight down to the seat in which they sat for dinner the night before. The girls of their year were already sat at the table eating breakfast together.
After a few moments of Sirius sitting silently, looking up and down the Slytheirn table he realised none of his cousins were there and for some reason he was left with a sense of relief. James and Peter dug into breakfast and began chatting loudly, Remus was looking rather ill and looked as if he was about to throw up.
"You alright there, Lupin?" Sirius questioned and he quickly looked up as Remus realised he was talking to him.
"Yeah... fine. Not much of a breakfast person s'all," he admitted whilst reaching forwards and grabbing a croissant.
Mcgonagall had come to the first years and handed them their timetables and told them everything they needed to know for the days ahead. Sirius didn't pay a lot of attention, it wasn't hard all they had to do was turn up to class and learn.
"What?! Flying practice isn't until Tuesday! It's only Thursday today!" James complained.
"I'm glad it's Thurday, we only have two days of lessons then the weekend!" Peter added and Sirius laughed a little.
"We haven't even been to lessons yet and you already want a break. What do we have today anyways?" Sirius questioned whilst looking down at his timetable.
"We have Transfiguration, Herbology, charms and history of magic," the girl next to Sirius answered. Sirius and the other three turned to have a look at the girl and she smiled "Bonnie... Bonnie Hallett."
"Right, I'm Sir-" before he could finish someone gripped his shoulder tightly. With a quick jolt he turned round to see Bellatrix, Andromeda and Narcissa all standing behind him. Bellatrix pulled him up and Sirius quickly turned to them. "Ah, Bella! My favourite cousin, how have you bee-"
"Open it!" she spat whilst shoving a bright red envelope into his hands. Sirius' heart dropped and raw fear etched his throat as he realised what it was "If you don't open it, it'll just open itself anyway!"
"Open it please, is the polite way to ask me that Bella. Hogwarts really does bring out your ill manners doesn't it?" Sirius joked even though he was indeed, terrified. Before Bellatrix had chance to say a nasty remark back the envelope flew out of his hands and opened into a nasty shape.
"SIRIUS ORION BLACK!" the letter began at an ear-splitting volume "HOW DARE YOU! HOW DARE YOU BRING SUCH TREACHERY TO OUR FAMILY NAME! GRYFFINDOR?! GRYFFINDOR?! WE HAD GREAT RELIEF IN THINKING THIS WAS SOME PATHETIC JOKE YOUR DEAR COUSINS TRIED TO PLAY BUT THEN WE DISCOVER IT IS NOT! IT IS TAKING EVERY LITTLE OUNCE OF MY PATIENCE TO NOT JUST BLAST YOU OFF OF OUT FAMILY TREE AT ONCE! I WARNED YOU! HOW DARE YOU DEFY YOUR FATHER AND I IN THIS WA-" footsteps could be heard approaching and suddenly Walburga was shut off and Orion began "IF YOU BREAK ONE SINGLE FAMILY RULE, BEHAVE BADLY OR DO ANYTHING TO DISGRACE OUR FAMILY NAME MORE THAN YOU ALREADY HAVE, THEN MERLIN HELP YOU BOY, YOU ARE GOING TO WISH YOU WERE NEVER BORN!"
"We wrote to that awful headteacher of yours, claiming there to be a mistake and apparently no mistake has been made!" Walburga continued, now less mad and more sad. "There is a mistake here Sirius... it's you. I can't believe you're not in Slytherin. Have I truly failed you that badly?"
"YOU BETTER MAKE UP FOR THIS SIRIUS! UPSETTING YOUR MOTHER AND I IN SUCH WAYS!"
"All i've ever done is try to help you Sirius and yet you fail to fulfil your most simplest of duties. I hope you're happy now, knowing you've broke decades of tradition."
An eerie silence fell throughout the hall as his father's screams and mother's words came to a halt. The letter fell to the ground and disintegrated into flames and Sirius just stood there whilst everyone stared over in his direction. Sirius looked up at Bellatrix and he couldn't help but burst into laughter.
"What the fuck are you laughing for?! This is not funny!" Bellatrix yelled and she was right. Nobody was finding it funny, Sirius wasn't even finding it funny so he wasn't exactly sure why he was laughing but he just couldn't help it. "Do you know what this does to our family? Even Andromeda is a Slytherin... you, Sirius, are a fai-"
"Come on... it is a little bit funny," Sirius admitted "Look at us. The 'great Black family' don't you realise how pathetic this all is? Why does it matter? Give me a solid, valid reason on why it is so bad that I have been sorted into Gryffindor?" Sirius had spent the entire night thinking about it and a part of him just clicked and he grew angry. "Come on! Why should I be in Slytheirn? Why can't I be friends with who I want to be friends with? Why do we have to hate muggleborns?"
"Mudbloods?! You shouldn't even consider hanging around with such dirty blood!" Bellatrix looked more offended than she ever had in her life, one would think Sirius was insulting her personally.
"Come on Bella," Narcissa said "Let's go. Sirius, you better hope for your sake that you sort your shit ou-"
"You wait Sirius... do one more thing wrong and it won't just be your mother and father you shall fear. We share the same last name, what you do effects my reputation and I will not, nor will I ever, tolerate being related to any blood traitors." At that, she turned on her heel and strutted down the hall with Narcissa at her side. Sirius exhaled and loosed up a little but his mother's words were running through his head along with his fathers.
"Good on you Sirius, for getting into Gryffindor," Andromeda smiled before stepping closer towards him "Look... you do what you want to do alright? Don't let our family shame you for who you are. Just be careful... and try and stay out of too much trouble.'
"I think I'm already in a little too much trouble here Anders..."
"Well we can be disappointments together eh?" He furrowed his eyebrows at her words. The whole family loved Andromeda, they had doubt she would get into Slytherin as she wasn't exactly like Bellatrix or Narcissa but she was most certainly a golden child.
"You? A disappointment? Our family adore you."
"Yeah... you wait till I tell them I have a muggle born Ravenclaw boyfriend." Sirius' jaw fell agape. No bloody way. "Yep, a shocker I know... Just keep your thoughts and beliefs to yourself in front of family Sirius, it's easier that way but don't fall for their ways." Andromeda walked away without another word and just a single wink. Sirius stood for a few more moments and everybody slowly began talking again now that the show was over. He turned round and sat down, smiling to himself and the other three just gave him odd sympathetic looks.
I want to be just like her.
"You alright mate?" James questioned as he sat down. The truth was, Sirius didn't have a fucking clue. Part of him was happy and he couldn't comprehend why. He had expected way worse to happen and he was actually glad to get that over with. The fact that Andromeda had a muggleborn boyfriend and is technically almost a 'blood traitor' made him even happier because if she could be a blood traitor then why couldn't he?
"Change of plan boys, I think I can hang out with you after all, even if we aren't friends." It would take time for Sirius to adjust and he certainly knew it was going to be hard but for some reason he was angry, so very angry at his parents at that second of time and he didn't want to do anything but piss them off.
Though deep down he was hurting. He never wanted that to happen. All he had ever sought was the love and acceptance of his family boy things never went right for him.
"Uh... guys I think we have been going the complete wrong way," Remus said as they tried to find their way to transfiguration. They were in a completely unknown area of the castle so Sirius turned to Peter who was in charge of the map reading and sighed.
"Perhaps that may be because Peter has the map upside down..." Peter's eyes widened and the other three laughed as he turned the map the right way up with his cheeks bright red.
"Oh... in that case, we need to go that way," Peter laughed whilst spinning around and pointing to his left. Sirius was acting happier than ever, almost like when he was on the train and he did feel happier than he did last night but of course he was still worried- petrified. The howler kept replaying in his mind and he knew that it wouldn't be long before Bellatrix picked up on the fact he was hanging out with James, Peter and worst of all, Remus and he knew she would most definitely tell his parents.
They eventually arrived to class, the girls were already all sat down but Professor Mcgonagall was nowhere to be seen.
"See! My map reading skills aren't that bad. I still got us here on tim-"
"Pete, Remus got his map out and told us the way," James laughed "AW LOOK A CAT!"
"I swear boys are so stupid,"
"Oi!" Sirius argued "I'm not stupid, who are you?"
"I'm Marlene and yes... yes you are." Sirius went to argue back before taking a seat behind her but he got too distracted laughing at James who was throwing a pencil down the classroom to see if the black cat would chase it.
"Does anyone know who's cat this is?" Peter questioned. Before an answer could be heard the cat who was sitting on top of the desk jumped forward and mid jump turned into the familiar faced Professor Mcgonagall. The girls smirked knowingly but James and Peter stared, open mouthed. Sirius stared in disbelief.
"Miss that is awesome!" Sirius laughed and James agreed whilst quickly taking a seat next to Sirius, leaving Peter to sit with Remus. "Are we going to learn how to do that?"
"Sorry for throwing a pencil for you Professor."
"I believe it is dogs that fetch thing Potter, not cats, and certainly not me. Today's lesson we shall be discussing the things we will be learning over the next few years. Transfiguration is some of the most complex and dangerous magic you will be learning in Hogwarts so care to be disrespectful or misbehave then you will not be allowed into my classroom. For now, take your beginners guide to transfiguration guides out and turn to page 13."
The day was moderately boring but also rather exciting. They had not been taught any magic yet but it was still interesting enough to hear what was in plan. Sirius did not see any relatives for the rest of the day, he noticed a few people whispering as he passed but he tried to ignore them. Though he dreaded to imagine the awful words and things they must be saying about him.
As hard as it was to admit, he had a great day. He expected the day to be filled with hatred and regret. He expected to be miserable and wish to be in Slytherin. Even after receiving the howler Sirius couldn't help but feel better than ever before. He was untouchable, and that was all that mattered. Yes it hurt, his parents were mad but weren't they always? He didn't want to be a disappointment, he didn't want to defy his parents but right at that second Sirius felt completely untouchable.
All four of them got on incredibly well considering they had just met. James and Peter were obviously the closest considering they had known each other for so many years but they had both made the effort of befriending Sirius and Remus although Remus is still unsure and Sirius did tell them they couldn't be friends only a matter of hours ago and still agrees with that statement.
It was getting late and everyone had returned from dinner and curfew was nearing so everyone was either in their dorms or in the common room. The boys had all decided to head upstairs as they had already been set the task of reading 'Hogwarts: a history' for history of magic. Sirius had already read it all so he had no trouble rubbing it in the others faces that they had to read it, although it was unlikely that James was going to read it.
Hours had passed and Sirius found himself laying in his bed, the room was silent yet he was still surrounded by the voices in his mind. So many questions he wanted answers to and it drove him insane.
"James..." Sirius whispered from his bed "Oi Potter, are you awake?" James walked out of his bed and over to Sirius', pulling open the curtains and giving him and odd look.
"What are you calling me for?" he asked whilst looking down at him. Sirius sat up and folded his legs, pulling James in through the curtains. "Lucky I wasn't asleep. Everything alright mate?"
Mate?
"Why are we supposed to hate muggleborns?" Sirius whispered but James gave him a peculiar look "I know you don't but do you know why us purebloods are meant to hate them? I've never spoke to one I don't think... are they mean?"
"They're not mean... they're just like us. I'm not sure why some Purebloods don't like them. Mum says it's an old fashioned thing of myths and stuff but we don't care about blood or anything like that."
"My mother says that we are better than them but why? If they have magic they have magic right? What's the difference?" Sirius had never asked these questions before, he never had anyone to ask them to who wouldn't shout at him. James seemed easy to talk to and understanding though.
"That's the thing... there is no difference. Can I ask you something?" James questioned and Sirius just nodded in reply though he wished James didn't ask questions. "The howler you received this morning, I'm assuming that was your parents. Are they always that angry? Is that why you said you can't be friends with me? Because they will tell you off?" Sirius looked down at the covers and shrugged his shoulders for a moment.
"They're always mad at me... I don't really know why. I mean of course I know why they're mad this time, for getting into Gryffidnor and all bu-"
"They're your parents, they should be proud of you no matter what house you're in. Mum said she didn't care what house I was in, neither did dad but he did make sure to tell me that Gryffindor was for the best." Sirius felt jealous of James and he didn't even really know him. His parents seemed so much better than his own.
"Do your parents not tell you off then?" Sirius asked "If you've been bad?"
"Well I'm never usually very bad and if I am they just say I'm not allowed to play outside or they send me to my room. I hate it when they do that but it always turns out alright because my dad comes up and sneaks sweets to me," James laughed and a smile tugged at Sirius' lips too as a memory came back to him.
"My brother, Reggie, does that. Sometimes when I've been bad Mother locks me in the small storing cupboard. I always get really hungry in there so Reggie comes and shoves sweets under my door. He even takes the wrappers off because if mother knows he's helping me I get left in for longer." Sirius wasn't aware that what he was talking about wasn't normal. James gave him a sad look of pity but didn't want Sirius to feel strange for talking about it so he smiled and scoffed slightly.
"Your brother seems nice. Wish I had a brother."
"Yeah he's the best."
"You know... you can be friends with us you know? Your parents shouldn't not let you be friends with people if you want to. It's your choice not theirs. Everything's a choice. You don't have to hate muggleborns either. There isn't a reason you should hate them. I think that you shouldn't hate people unless there's reasoning behind it. So you should be friends with us unless there's a reason you can't be, besides your parents not letting you choose." Sirius thought about it for a second and realised that perhaps him and Andromeda were right. Maybe he should do what he wants and make his own choices. "See... bet you can't think of a reason not to be friends with me. I don't smell, I shower all the time so I don't see why you should hate me."
"Yeah I wouldn't be friends with someone who doesn't shower... bet they smell horrid. You know what? I'll try it. I'll be friends with who I want to be friends with... maybe Mother won't be too mad. I can tell her that you're good and not bad. But you can't tell... you can't tell people we're friends- well not my family at least. They can't know..."
"Brilliant! Secret bestfriends it is," James smiled brightly before jumping off the bed "Best get into my own bed. Goodnight!"
Sirius fell on back as James closed the curtains.
"Oh and Sirius," James whispered on his way back to his own bed "I'm glad you're in Gryffindor. I know your parents aren't proud that you're here with us, but i'm proud that you are."
Noones ever been proud of me before.
He stayed silent, taking in James' words and feeling a pain in his chest.
Sirius went to sleep that night with a smile on his face. Something had convinced him that everything was going to be alright and despite that being very foolish Sirius didn't mind. It was his choice who to be friends with even if it was in secret. It was his choice to do what he wanted. Quite frankly, Sirius loved the idea of having friends and James was right, he didn't smell so what was the issue?
Sirius was a confused 11 year old with too many unanswered questions. It was obvious he was to become curious and oneday start his own life, his parents should've expected it.