Toujours Pur- Sirius Black

It wasn't until Sirius looked up that he realised the compartment was not empty and he was not alone. His eyes opened wide for a second as  he pushed his body off the door, standing up straight, pulling his robes and tightening his tie to ensure a good impression. 

"I'm sorry for intruding, I didn't realise anybody was in here. I was trying to hide from my relatives." Sirius said to the lankily built boy. The boy looked rather intriguing to Sirius. Often, Sirius found himself intrigued by muggleborns, he wasn't even sure if the boy was a muggle born or if he was just wearing muggle clothing but either way he was intrigued. "Are you alone?"

"Clearly," the boy answered whilst looking at the empty seats around him. Sirius scoffed and stepped forwards, taking the window seat opposite. 

"Brilliant. My names Sirius Black." the boy opposite gave him a rather peculiar look so Sirius smiled to him "I know, I know. Bad name."

"I can't say much my names Remus, Remus Lupin." Sirius had thought Remus was a far cooler name than Sirius. "Why are you hiding from your family?"

"Well I must admit that spending over 8 hours with my three older cousins would not be great fun bu-" before he could finish the compartment door flew open and a slightly taller boy with messy black hair and round glasses ran in, laughing loudly. 

He charged right over to the window, slid it open and began shouting out and waving. "Bye Mum! Bye Dad!" Sirius laughed slightly and followed his gaze out of the window to a fair skinned women who appeared to be crying and a man who couldn't possibly look any prouder. A pang erupted in Sirius' chest. 

Why don't my parents do that?

"You guys alright if we sit here? I'm James Potter and this is-" he went to say whilst looking behind him yet nobody was there which made him look a little crazy but Sirius wasn't focused on that. He knew the Potters were what his parents called 'blood traitors'. James was something Sirius was taught to be bad but he didn't care too much for it was his turn to learn the truth and see the world in a different perspective. He wanted to figure it out on his own on why people like James were so bad and not just listen and believe every word that came out of his mother's mouth with no valid explanation. "Come on Pete! Over here!"

"I'm coming!" A boy half laughed half shouted as he rushed to James' side. James sat down besides Sirius as the other boy closed the door and sat besides Remus. Sirius was quite happy to have them in the compartment but he couldn't help but look over at Remus and wonder if he was alright with the others being there. He hadn't even asked the boy if he was allowed to stay. 

"That's my best mate Peter Pettigrew," James explained with a beaming smile. 

"Sirius," he smiled back and by the way Remus was staring out of the window he realised that he wasn't going to introduce himself as he seemed to be too fixated on the scenery outside or perhaps he just didn't want to introduce himself but Sirius took it upon himself to do it "That's Remus."

"Sirius Black?" Peter questioned and then James appeared to catch on. Something made Sirius feel sick, he wasn't ashamed of being a Black... or maybe he was and just hadn't realised it. 

"I hope you're the first Black to get into Gryffindor then because you seem alright. If you're in Gryffindor we can be friends!"

Friends? I can't be friends with him...

"And what makes you so sure you're getting into Gryffindor?" Sirius questioned and James laughed as if it was the most obvious thing in the world. James held one hand over his heart and the other up in the air and stood with pride. He faced the others as if he was about to begin a huge speech and Sirius couldn't help but think James was absolutely bloody amazing though he wouldn't dare admit that. 

"Gryffindor is for the brave and the loyal my friends and that-" he said whilst pointing between the other three boys "is exactly what I am!" he sat back down as Sirius and Peter laughed at him "Besides, my whole family has been Gryffindor and my parents say I'm perfect for it!"

"I'm getting into Gryffindor too of course," Peter added proudly as if he had already been sorted. Part of Sirius wished he could say the same, wished he could say he was going to be a proud Gryffindor but what Black would ever get into Gryffindor? It was a complete absurdity to even thing of it, yet Sirius did. Not because James or Peter had said they were getting into it but rather more he thought it would be more suitable for him. Though he never considered himself much brave, he had always been scared of silly things, like his mother for example. 

"I'm getting on the quidditch team next year too! Actually I may even get on it this year if I show them just how good I am." James beamed before, once again, using his hands to demonstrate dramatically. "Imagine," he said before presenting his hands in the air as if showing off a great big banner "James Potter. The youngest and best chaser Hogwarts has ever seen!" Most would say James was arrogant, self obsessed and quite frankly, egotistic but Sirius didn't think that, Sirius thought he was bloody brilliant. 

"I'd much rather be a beater myself," Sirius admitted. 

"But then you don't get the feeling of glory when you score for your team!"

"Nah I would get to feel the glory of knocking you off your broom, which personally I think is far more fun."

"James you just like the attention," Peter laughed "You're a sore looser too, that's not the best idea for the qui-"

"Am not!"

"Are too!"

"What about you Remus?" James asked after poking his tongue out at Peter who done the same in return. "You any good at quidditch?" Remus looked confused for a second, almost as if he was shocked they were talking to him. Sirius couldn't figure him out, perhaps he was just shy. 

"Uh- never played." 

"Never played? Are you like one of them muggleborns or something?" Peter asked and Sirius found himself wanting the answers too. He certainly looked more like a muggle. He was wearing a pale brown jumper with elbow patches and wore jeans with trainers unlike the others who were dressed in their robes already. 

James gave Peter a harsh kick to the shin before shaking his head. "Pete!" he whispered, although the other two could definitely here "Don't refer to him as 'one of them muggleborns'. My mum already gave you the talk." Sirius and Remus were both equally confused, but Peter seemed to catch on and look a little guilty. 

"No. Half blood, mums a muggle, dad's a wizard. We live in a muggle town so it would be a bit weird if I was to start flying a broomstick in my back garden."

"It's no problem. You get into Gryffindor and I'll teach you how to play, it'll be wicked."

"Yes, because being taught how to fly a broomstick hundreds of feet from the ground with a posh wanker sounds delig- I'm joking... sorry. It would be good if we were all in Gryffindor" Sirius thought Remus was funny, the way he was trying his hardest not to be sarcastic, it was entertaining at the least. 

"There's no chance I'm being put in Gryffindor. I am a Black, we all go to Slytherin."

"Well you will just have to be the first one who doesn't," James smiled and Sirius was so weirdly surprised. He was so nice. Sirius had never had a friend before, never really spoke to anyone but family and family acquaintances but James, despite only just meeting him, felt more like a friend than anyone else he had ever met.

He's not my friend. Sirius reminded in his mind He can never be a friend. He's the enemy. 

Hours had passed. The three of them had spoke and joked as if they had known each other for years, Remus joined in occasionally when he wasn't nervously chewing his nails. 

They argued about the best quidditch teams, spoke about their lives, laughed and joked and in the few moments where Sirius wasn't distracted he felt painfully happy. Happy to be having such a great time but also rather sad knowing that once they arrive that would be it, James would go to Gryffindor along with Peter and possibly Remus and then he would be left in Slytherin. 

Despite the sorting weighing him down he tried his best to ignore it. He was easily distracted as the others were rather funny, James was just a bloody idiot but the good kind. Peter was funnily stupid and was about 5 minutes late on understanding each joke but was rather entertaining and Remus was funny without meaning to be funny. 

"Anything from the trolley dears?" an older lady croaked whilst walking closer to their carriage. 

"I'll go get us some stuff, what am I getting?" James asked whilst standing up and looking back at the others. 

"Anything," Sirius replied

"Everything it is." Sirius shook his head and laughed and Peter looked undeniably happy at James' words yet Remus' face stayed unreadable until James came back into the carriage with, quite literally, everything. 

"What- did you actually get everything?" Remus questioned in confusion. Sirius realised that it probably wasn't normal to waste so much money on chocolate and sweets that they clearly couldn't finish but the other three were purebloods, they had more money than they could ever possibly need. 

They ate as much as they could possibly stomach. Sirius had already experienced so many new things from just one train ride. He had laughed more than he ever had and smiled and enjoyed his time without too much worry. He ate more sweets than he would usually be allowed and he had met three people who weren't like anyone he'd ever met before. 

Peter may, just about, be an acceptable friend in his parents eyes but the other two were far beyond his parents disapproval yet there he sat next to two pureblood 'blood traitors' and one half blood, yet not one thing they did had given him an answer on why he was meant to hate them. It was beyond his understanding as of yet. 

Sirius thought that Remus seemed nicer than most of his family and he couldn't quite understand that. Why would somebody who he was meant to hate come across as nice? Sirius came to the conclusion that perhaps it was muggleborns that were bad and not half bloods. 

He walked side by side with James, following the giant man that was leading them away. Grey clouds blanketed the already darkening sky as they made their way over to the self rowing boats. 

"Make sure the giant squid doesn't get you!" Andromeda winked as she passed him with a nudge. He quickly glanced around, hoping that Bellatrix or Narcissa weren't nearby. If he was seen mixing with blood traitors already then fuck knows what his parents would think of him. 

A wave of sadness started to hit but he wouldn't let it show. My stupid family is messing everything up already. He wanted to be different from his family but he was too scared to be. Sirius found himself realising he didn't even really want to be a Slytherin, he only wanted that so as his parents would be happier with him but what's the point in his parents being happy if he wasn't? 

The water reflected the moonlight beautifully. It glistened as the lake rippled and the four of them shared a boat. One lantern was hooked at the end of the small boat. The cold night breeze bit at their faces but they were all too excited to care. Peter was visibly terrified, he looked incredibly pale. Remus looked the same as usual, expression unreadable and no sense of feelings showing. 

"Is- is there actually a giant squid? Your friend said about a giant squi-" Peter quivered whilst looking down to the depths of the water to see if he could see it himself. 

"My cousin, and yes there is so-"

"Watch out Pete. You might just..." James began smirking whilst shaking the boat side to side "fall in!" Peters face fell drastically as he gripped the side of the boat as tightly as he could. Sirius laughed loudly and helped James sway the boat. 

"Stop it! James, stop!" Peter yelled whilst kicking his foot forwards, into James' shin. James jolted back and whacked his head on the lantern behind him, causing it to fall off its hook and end up lost in the water beneath them. Sirius burst into laughter as both James and Peter opened their eyes widely and froze. Luckily there was a boat fairly close to them and their lamp dimly lit their own boat, just enough to see the expression on each other's faces. 

"You guys shouldn't be so horrible you know? The poor boy told you to stop it and you did-"

"And who are you?" James interrupted the girl from the other boat. Her hair was bright red and held in two plaits and she appeared to be clinging onto the boy next to her. 

"I'm Lily Evans but that does not matter. What matters is you have just lost a lantern and upset another bo-"

"What matters is you keeping your nose out of our business," Sirius quickly answered back. Lily looked deeply offended and let go of the boys arm, crossing her own. 

"Speak to her like that again and I'll hex you!" 

"Oooo look Evans, is that your boyfriend coming to protect yo-"

"Oh sod off!" she argued quickly before turning just enough so as her back was facing them. Sirius laughed and shook his head. 

"She's gunna be a fun one isn't she?" Sirius laughed sarcastically. 

"Ugh she's going to be such a goody two shoes and all I bet. I'll be sure to stay clear of her," James agreed before they both went back to laughing and swaying their boat. Peter had nearly toppled over the edge and that brought laughter to the other three even though he really was dangerously close to falling in. They had only been joking, Peter knew they meant no harm. 

"Don't know what you're laughing at Lupin. I might just have to push you in too," Sirius laughed whilst looking over to the other boy. 

"I would like to see you try." Remus scoffed and Sirius almost considered that as a competition but fortunately they had arrived at the castle so they individually made their way to climb out of the boat and onto the shore. Hagrid began counting each boat to ensure nobody was left behind before leading them up to the stone steps of the entrance. 

It was extraordinarily wonderful. All the other students spent a few moments marvelling at their surrounding yet Sirius and James were jokingly shoving each other and laughing instead. Magic was nothing new to them so it wasn't such a big deal. 

"You know... if you're going to be in Slytherin maybe we could still be friends. You're not like I thou-"

He thinks we're friends? Are we?

"We can't be friends James. I mean- I want to but it's wrong. I'm going to be in Slytherin, you're going to be in Gryffindor. The journey was good but if my cousins see us- Mother says I can't be friends with anyone whose n-"

"Good evening first years!" A tall women with emerald robes and a half hearted smile yelled from the entrance "I am Minerva McGonagall. Head of Gryffindor and I also teach transfiguration, so we shall be seeing a lot of each other. If you would all follow me in a semi orderly fashion that would be fantastic." 

The students began following her through the castle, staring at their surroundings. Most were silent, all in awe but of course Sirius and James were not the type to bother looking at the incredible castle as the others did. Instead, they began talking loudly and pointing at other students, guessing which houses they assumed they would be sorted in, despite just previously talking about how they couldn't possibly be friends.

"That Evans girl is definitely a Hufflepuff!" James sniggered. 

"Silence, please!" Mcgonagall sighed whilst turning around and facing the rest of the first years. "Here we have the great hall. Everyone is already seated and waiting for the sorting. You shall follow me up to the top where you will be called upon alphabetically and then you will sit upon the stool and our great hat will sort you." 

Sirius fell silent after entering the double doors. He even took several steps away from James, Remus and Peter so as no one would know he was with them. The whole of Slytherin would more than likely be watching him and he knew that his cousins would be too so he tried to distance himself so as to avoid Bellatrix's complaints when he had to go and sit by them. 

All the other first years were captivated by the ceiling of stars and the colourful tables but nerves took over Sirius, starching to him like a shadow. It was unusual for him to be so nervous but he truly was. 

Avoiding eye contact with the other students he continued to follow Mcgonagall up the hall. He couldn't quite figure out if he was more scared to get into Slytherin or more scared to not get in.

I have to get into Slytherin... I am a Slytherin, of course I am. 

"Black, Sirius." Sirius was one of the first to be called up. His heart dropped and his mouth grew dry. He pulled at his robes and James gave him a quick pat on the back before he made his way forwards. Every set of eyes were on him and the pressure began to isolate him, making it impossible to think of anything but getting into Slytherin. 

He perched himself upon the stool and looked down the room, letting his gaze follow down the Slytherin table until he traded a look with Bellatrix. She gave him a slight nod and something one may wish to call a smile but Sirius was filled with a sense of foreboding and he couldn't help but trust his gut. 

The ancient black sorting hat was placed on Sirius' head and his breathing fell heavier. He wasn't completely sure what to expect. Will it just shout it to the whole school? Is it going to talk to me? Does it-

"Well well well... who do we have here?" the sorting hat whispered so quietly Sirius wasn't sure if it was actually speaking or not. "Another Black I see. I always find great displeasure in reading your families mind." 

Wait... you can read my mind?

"Why of course I can read your mind young Black. I must search your mind in order to determine your house."

Well... what now? 

"Ambitious... very very ambitious that is for sure. A thirst to prove yourself too, isn't that righ- but not in a way I would expect from a Black. No... no I see- I see what we have here, a misfit in the Black name." 

What are you talking about? What do you have here? Can you just put me in Slytherin already? Do you not know how awkward this is... everyone's watching me an-

"No. You are courageous, oh so courageous. Brave and determined. I know exactly where you belong. No doubt about-"

Yes, Slytherin I kn-

"You are no Slytherin, boy. A mind like yours would not do well in Slythe-"

What...? Fear struck Sirius like never before. Sirius had been scared a lot of times. When he could hear his mother's footsteps coming down the hallway, when his father shouted, when family came to visit or when he had been caught doing something bad but this... this was a fear like no other. I am a Slytherin. 

"There is only one house for you and that is indeed, not Slytherin."

YES IT IS! Sirius shouted in his mind as he gripped the side of the stool tightly Please... you don't understand. I have to be in Slytherin. I have to...

"Your bravery is hidden... one day you shall real-"

Please! Please don't do this...  he began to beg Just put me in Slytherin. It doesn't matter if I'm not meant to be in there does it? Just let me be in Slytherin. I have to... they won't be happy otherwise. 

"Ask yourself this. Will you be happy in Slytherin, Black? Because, excuse me if I'm wrong, which I'm not because I'm never wrong, but you... do not truly want to be a Slytherin."

It matters not what I want! It matters what they want. 

The heat. The whispers. The hat. The people. The houses. The pressure. The stress. It was overwhelming. Sirius had never truly thought about if he might not be a Slytherin. Every Black to ever exist had been a Slytherin, he couldn't possibly break that tradition... could he? 

"Im afraid that I must go with my personal judgement which means you belong in... GRYFFIDNOR!" Sirius could feel himself pale and he jolted his head up to look at everyone else. It appeared that everyone was in just as much disbelief as he was. The entire hall was silent apart from hushed whispers. Sirius could hear his heartbeat in his ears as he sat, staring forwards, debating on looking at the Slytherin table or not. 

This has to be a mistake. You can't do this to m- he tried to talk to the hat but Mcgonagall removed it and gave him a slight smile before pointing her hand out towards the Gryffindor table. Sirius jumped from the stool, trying not to act scared or nervous but the shortness in breath and pale face told everyone otherwise. 

All of a sudden a couple of claps came from the first years at front. Sirius looked forwards as he made his way down the stone steps only to see James beaming brightly, looking as proud as one could. 

"YES, SIRIUS!" James yelled with a following cheer. Peter and Remus applauded until the whole hall was filled with loud cheers. A few Gryffindors stood to welcome him over but the Slytherins stayed in complete silence and stared him down as he made his way past James except Andromeda. Andromeda stood and clapped for Sirius yet he didn't dared not look. 

"Looks like we can be friends afteral-" James went to say as he passed but Sirius quickly shook his head. No we can't! I can't be in Gryffindor! His heart lurched and fear almost unmanned him as he took a seat at the end of the red and gold filled table. He was in a complete state of panic and didn't speak nor make eye contact with anybody until Remus sat opposite him on the table. 

"Uh- are you alright?" Remus whispered "You don't seem too happy about being in this house." Sirius looked up slightly whilst picking at the skin around his fingernails anxiously. "It seems like Gryffindor is nic-" Sirius interrupted him by just shaking his head before looking straight past him over to the Slytherin table. 

The first familiar face he saw was Lucius Malfoy who was still staring at him whilst muttering to Narcissa in disgrace. Narcissa just shook her head at Sirius before looking away. Sickening dread erupted in Sirius' chest and right at that second he couldn't wish for anything more than to be at home with Regulus. Merlin, Sirius would rather be at home being abused than be sat at that Gryffindor table. 

Bellatrix's expression was as cold as ice. Her eyes stared right through Sirius' and if looks could kill... Sirius would be utterly fucked. Terror thundered down on him whilst fear grasped at his throat, restricting his breathing. He wasn't exactly sure what it was he was afraid of. It wasn't Gryffindor, he wasn't ashamed of being a Gryffindor. In fact, a hidden part of him was proud that he wasn't Slytherin but the fear overshadowed his pride as he remembered his mother's warnings. His family would find this beyond unacceptable and punishment would be given and that was what clawed at Sirius' happiness. 

He already felt the fun of the train ride become a distant memory. That was a one off, he knew that if he were to become friends with James, Peter and Remus then he would be as good as disowned.

It wasn't long before the sorting was over and James, Peter and Remus all sat, surrounding Sirius. It was almost unbelievable that the four of them had managed to get in the same house. They were the only first year boys in Gryffindor yet there were 5 girls. Mary, Marlene, Dorcas, Bonnie and of course, Lily. 

Nobody spoke whilst Dumbledore gave his speech, it wasn't until after that James began to joke around. "Look Sirius! All four of us in Gryffindor! That's bloody brilliant, we can all be friend-"

"What part don't you understand? I can't be friends with you?!" Sirius half shouted whilst adding a small amount of food to his plate. He couldn't help but notice that Peter was already eating whilst Remus was just looking around and watching other people as if he wasn't sure what to do. 

"But- you're in Gryffidnor with us, you aren't in Slyther-" Sirius couldn't listen to it. They wouldn't understand. He could feel people from the Slytherin table still staring at him, their eyes burning holes through him, and he knew that he couldn't be seen having fun or talking with others because it would get straight back to his parents so instead he stood up, taking his plate with him and moved away from the boys and down to the edge of the table, sitting opposite a sad looking Lily and next to a girl with long brown hair who was laughing with a few other girls. 

Sirius was in complete confusion on what to do. He was in complete despair of the whole situation. Feeling like a fool for not thinking that this was a possibility and now that the worst possible thing that could've happen happened. He was at a complete loss for hope. Did I do something wrong? Mother and Father are going to kill me... 

Not a word was spoken to anyone at dinner. The boys he had shared a carriage with kept looking down at him, wondering why he walked away but Sirius didn't care. He wished more than anything that he could be friends with them and be happy in Gryffindor like a normal child but the truth was that being friends with them could cost him his family. 

It's not worth it. 

They were already going to hate him, in fact they already acted like they hated him and as much as Sirius pretended he didn't care. He really, really did. He wanted to make them proud, wanted them to be happy and love him and that was all going to start when he was sorted into Slytherin... so now what?

Sirius followed the prefects up to the Gryffindor tower along with the rest of the first years. James caught up to him and began to walk next to him to try and help him a little as James could tell something was up. 

"We are so going to get lost. Have you seen how big this castle is? Think we've gone up about 5 staircases already. Bloody glad the prefects gave us this map, although it looks utterly useless," James laughed to try and soothe the tension but Sirius just nodded in agreement. He wasn't trying to be rude, he liked James, he really did but it just wouldn't be allowed for them to be friends. "So uh- did you like want to get into Slytherin?" Sirius looked up to James with a look of confusion. He hadn't actually thought about that really. Sirius didn't see the big deal about Slytherin he just felt as if he had to be in that house but he wasn't sure which house he would've wanted to be in if his parents didn't care. The hat had asked him if he was going to be happy in Slytherin and Sirius couldn't help but notice that maybe he really didn't want to be in Slytherin but in all honestly he would rather be in Slytherin and be miserable with proud parents than be in Gryffindor and be hated. 

"I don't know," They came to a halt at the top of the stairs in front of a rather large portrait of a rather large women. 

"Okay so this here is the only entrance to the Gryffindor tower. The password is 'balderdash' you better remember it or else you will not be able to get The Fat Lady to open up." Sirius watched as the portrait swung open and students followed in one by one. It was so different to what he had imagined, in fact he hadn't even had chance to imagine anything. Andromeda had told him about the Slytherin dungeons but not the Gryffindor towers. 

It was amazing, it was warm, comfy and welcoming, everything that his own house was not. It was the complete opposite if anything. A large circular room with comfy sofas and armchairs. Tables filled with chessboards and games, posters, bulletin boards, windows that looked out across the school grounds. A large crimson fire lit up the room, giving a warm atmosphere and filling the room with even more shades of red and gold. It was the first time Sirius actually took a moment to appreciate the castle, there was something about the common room that felt like home, but not his home. The house of Black was just a house in which he lived, it didn't feel like a home, unlike this. 

The girls and boys were led separate ways up different staircases on either side of the common room. The prefects told them the rules and restrictions and everyone listened eagerly until Sirius realised that he would be sharing a dorm with the boys he shared a train carriage with. He wasn't sure what to think, he liked the boys but how could he possibly not be friends with them if they were to share a dorm for the next 7 years? 

They were left alone to unpack and get into bed before an early start tomorrow. James and Peter were jumping all over their beds and laughing and as much as Sirius would've loved to join in he just didn't. He dressed in the bathroom and took a moment to look at himself in the mirror. He still looked undeniably queasy and his mother's voice rung in his head. You will be in Slytherin. You will stay pure. You will- it was continuous. If you don't then punishments... punishment... punishment... punishment... Sirius was terrified. He couldn't bare the thought of what will happen when he returns home. 

The throbing itchiness of his healing scabs across his back was a reminder of what was yet to happen when he returned home. A reminder of what happened when he crossed the line. The line had not just simply been crossed, the line had been demolished.  

Part of him debated on writing to his parents immediately but instead he walked out of the bathroom, ignored the boys who tried to speak to him and climbed straight into bed. He could hear James whisper to Peter and debate on going to talk to Sirius but Remus had told them to give him space. In which, Sirius was incredibly grateful for. 

The curtains were shut and Sirius was left with nothing but his own mind. He climbed under the heavy covers, led on his side as his back still hurt and pulled one of his extra pillows tightly towards his chest. He didn't cry, he didn't scream into his pillow he just led there for hours, wide awake. Thinking about what had just happened and what was yet to happen. Sirius Black was stuck in a disaster.

All hopes for a good time in Hogwarts were diminishing more and more, making him regret ever wanting to go there in the first place.