Opposite of honey

Remus Lupin 

That’s the name he chose. At only 11 years old he stood in the small bathroom in front of the mirror, with scissors in his hands. He had spent the summer standing like this more times than he could count, long, pale brown, braided hair against his back, contemplating whether to cut it. 

Despite the body he was born into and his mother’s words, Remus sometimes felt that he was not a girl. It started long before he could remember, almost never liking his long hair or the clothes he was forced to wear, unlike the other girls in his class. He saw them huddled together giggling and Remus could barely ever find a common interest with any of them, but then again, he was an outcast before he could even try. 

Then there were the boys, the ones he tried to befriend but they would call him names and exclude him from their games. Seeing as he didn’t fit in with anyone he had picked up reading books as soon as he learned to read. Before that he would hide away with his stuffed puppy, the only thing he resonated with, it was jet black and had big gray eyes, it was his best friend. 

As if that wasn’t enough, Remus had another secret, he was a werewolf. He was bitten at only the age of 5 and he had lost his father the same night. His mother had not taken it well and instead resorted to drinking the days away and living on her late husband’s savings. She knew nothing about creatures like werewolves and would lock him up in a cage every full moon, Remus was still grateful that she didn’t toss him out already. 

Remus was a smart kid, he was already reading classics and he regularly visited the library. The previous week, on his usual search for an interesting book, he found himself in the mythology aisle. He had taken special interest in werewolves and learned that his last name came from the latin word “lupus” which translates to wolf. After that he had picked up just about any book that mentioned wolves and came across Roman mythology, where he read about two brothers, Remus and Romulus who were both raised by wolves. Since then Remus couldn’t stop thinking about them. 

Giving himself the name Remus was not his intention, but the story had resonated with him more than he expected. The more he thought about the brothers the more he wanted to be them, he dreamed of fitting in and not feeling like a monster. Now the name was his whenever he needed an escape, a slip from reality, a safe space for him to be himself and just be Remus and not… 

“SOPHIA!” A loud bang on the door made Remus jump. It was his mother, clearly drunk. He hid away the scissors so his mother wouldn’t hurt herself with them. 

“Yes mother?” He walked out of the bathroom, into their old two bedroom apartment. 

“why aren’t you at school?” His mother stumbled on her words. 

“It’s summer break I don’t have school until September” 

“Oh yeah, yeah. Anyway you got a letter” she waved around an envelope, it was already torn open. “I… don’t know if you remember” Remus grabbed the letter and opened it. 

Dear Sophia Lupin, 

We are pleased to inform you that you have been accepted at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and wizardry 

Please find enclosed a list of all necessary books and equipment. 

Term begins on September 1. We await your owl by no later than July 31. 

Yours sincerely, 

Minerva Mcgonagall 

Remus was confused, he remembered a few magical moments from when his father was alive but Remus thought he had made that up. Even if it was true his own magic must have died with his father, he had never even created a spark. He looked at his mother, puzzled. 

“What is this? Is this…real?” He asked and turned the paper to see if there’s anything on the back. 

“Lyall was a wizard, and you, of course, you are a witch.” She seemed to sober up the more she spoke. 

“Did he go to this school too?” Remus asked, still not believing his drunk mother. 

“Yes, if I remember correctly. I sent a letter to the school and someone will come here and help you with everything, I have no time or desire to learn anything else about that place.” She said and looked away from him. 

“When did this arrive?” 

“I dunno… they said they’ll be here in a couple of hours, change into your pretty blue dress and fix your hair young lady! I’m going to sleep…” she glanced at him and left for her bedroom. He cringed at the demand, he didn’t feel the need to change, although his shirt had a stain of something. 

He decided to only change his shirt and tie his hair in a ponytail. What mother didn’t know wouldn’t hurt her. Remus sat on the couch waiting for the guest, he was still skeptical about the whole magic thing but how crazy was it really compared to him being a werewolf. 

At exactly 4 PM the doorbell rang, weirdly he didn’t hear the elevator as he usually could. Remus jumped up and waited a few seconds before opening the door, as to not seem too eager. Down at him peered an old bearded man with half moon glasses at the tip of his nose. 

“Young Sophia, I presume” He said his voice was calm but had a hint of amusement. 

“Yes.. sir” Remus was nervous and shy, which he usually was around strangers, especially adults. 

“May I come in?” The man asked and Remus almost slapped his forehead for being rude enough to forget to invite him inside. He nodded frantically and let the man pass. 

“Are you minerva mcgonagall?” Asked Remus as he closed the door, hoping his voice wasn’t too low. The man chuckled deeply and turned to face him again. 

“I’m afraid not, My name is Albus Dumbledore. I'm the headmaster of Hogwarts which you've already received the letter from. Professor McGonagall, she is head of Gryffindor house and transfiguration teacher.” Remus could die from embarrassment right then and there but he nodded and looked down at the floor. 

“Is there something on your mind?” Dumbledore asked and Remus wondered how he knew. 

“Well, I was just thinking, how can you know I can do magic? I mean I'm not… I’ve never… and my mom she isn’t-“ Remus rambled but was interrupted. 

“Easy there… your father was a wizard and that’s enough for us to know you are one too. At Hogwarts you’ll learn everything you need to know about being a wizard,  in fact I have taken it upon myself to collect your needed items for the school year…” the old man dug around in his strange brown robes and pulled out a small trunk. Remus almost laughed, how could anything fit in there? 

“Engorgio” the man waved a wand that seemed to appear out of nowhere  and the small trunk landed with a thump on the floor just at Remus's feet, now fifty times larger. Remus felt his mouth drop in shock, so this is magic he thought. 

“This is only one spell ms. Lupin.” Dumbledore said and eyed him with a knowing look, as if he could read his mind. To say that Remus was amazed would be an understatement, but there was still one problem. 

“But I can’t go to Hogwarts…” he said quietly and looked away hoping he didn’t have to explain why. 

“Ahh, of course. Not to worry dear, I have taken care of everything. There’s a safe place for you to stay every full moon…” Dumbledore eyed the oversized cage in the corner of the room “… and it’s nothing like a cage, I can promise you that.” He smiled at Remus who felt nauseous at the mention of the cage. 

“All right, first I have a selection of wands for you, straight from Ollivander’s…” 

“A wand?!” Remus surprised himself and expected the old man to glare at him like his mother usually does when he raises his voice, but he only smiled, amused. 

“Yes, indeed. Every witch and wizard has their own and it’s your turn to find yours. As mr. Ollivander would say, the wand chooses the wizard. So… why don’t you try one of these?” Dumbledore fumbled around in another pocket and pulled out a cloth. He rolled it out and three wands appeared in front of Remus. 

Remus hesitated before reaching out, grabbing the black wood which had elegant details engraved  along it. 

“Do you feel anything?” Dumbledore asked.  

“No, sir.” Remus put the wand back on the cloth which Dumbledore had put down on the coffee table in their living room. 

“No matter, try the other two” 

Remus picked up the next one but still there was nothing, he sighed but Dumbledore gave him an encouraging smile and he moved on. The last wand was the most interesting, the handle was dark wood and rounded at the end while the rest of the wand had a much lighter color. He held it in his hand and felt a warm feeling fill his chest and his fingers tingle. For some reason he found himself smiling and looked at dumbledore.

“I was hoping this would be the right one, Mr. Ollivander is a skilled wand maker to say the least.” Dumbledore laughed but Remus was too distracted with the warm feeling in his chest. 

“Oh, before I forget, you are forbidden from using magic outside of school until you’re seventeen, so let’s put that away for now…” Remus nodded and put down his wand on the table. Dumbledore collected the cloth and put it back in his pocket. “ I’m sure you know your way to King's Cross station?” Dumbledore asked as he handed Remus a piece of paper “this is your ticket for the Hogwarts express” Remus looked at it and almost laughed again. 

“Yes but I know there’s no platform 9 ¾, unless there’s a magical portal” Remus chuckled at his joke but Dumbledore didn’t laugh. 

“There is indeed” he gave Remus another knowing look. It annoyed Remus, why does this man not talk in full sentences. “There’s a brick wall between platform  9 and 10, that’s the portal.” 

“You want me to walk into a wall?” Remus asked and held back a chuckle not to seem rude. 

“It’s magic, young lady.” Remus nodded and his smile faltered. “Alright, I think this is all you need to know for now. Your head of house will speak to you about the location for your transformation as soon as you are sorted.” Dumbledore explained, Remus suddenly had a million questions. 

“Oh I almost forgot, feel free to read the books, I have a feeling you will enjoy them…” Dumbledore said as if he was saying goodbye, although they were still standing in the middle of the room. “See you soon Ms. Lupin” Dumbledore said and just like that he was gone. Only evidence he was ever there was the trunk at Remus’s feet and the wand on the coffee table. 

Remus had stolen the monthly calendar from the kitchen and hung it above his bed. It was currently the last day of august and he had counted the days since Dumbledore had visited. He read every book he found in the trunk and had especially fallen in love with hogwarts: a history. The one thing that he was very disappointed to see was his school uniform, it turns out that even in the wizarding world he would have to wear skirts. Nevertheless, he didn’t let that stop him from looking forward to the 1st of September. 

He had packed his clothes the previous week, at least the clothes that didn’t make him feel weird. which was very few, only two pairs of pants and a few shirts and sweaters. Thankfully his mother was too drunk to notice the absence of dresses and skirts or else she would force him to bring those. 

“Sophia, aren’t you supposed to be at that school already?” His mother asked that night, surprisingly not drunk for once. 

“The train leaves tomorrow actually.” 

“Oh alright, do you need me to take you to the station?” Remus shook his head, his mother wasn’t evil. She cared about him, but not enough. 

“Alright then,  come here darling, hug your momma goodbye” his mom opened her arms and Remus hesitated, he hadn’t hugged his mother since the night he got bitten. “Come on…” she egged him on and he gave in, wrapping his arms around her waist. His mother was tall and he felt safe and warm. 

“Take care of yourself out there and listen to me Sophia, don’t let anyone know about your disease. Ever.” She said and then left for her room. Remus assumed that she went to get pissed and wouldn’t wake up until noon and by then Remus would be on the train already. He was smart, he already knew not to tell anyone, he never wanted anyone to know anyway. Who would want to be around a monster when not even his own mother could without being drunk?  

- - // - - 

September 1

Remus was so excited and nervous that he arrived at the station an hour early. He had his trunk in one hand and the ticket in the other, rereading it to make sure there was no misunderstanding. He was dressed in jeans and a gray t-shirt which only showed his frail arms but it was too hot for a sweater. He put his hair in a braid bun and covered it with a cap, he had still not mustered the courage to cut it off. 

Here it was, the wall Dumbledore had told him about. The idea of walking into it sounded crazier by the second. He felt more unsure as time went and tried to look around for anyone who might be able to help. He stood there for at least 15 minutes before the first person with a similar trunk appeared. He wore glasses and his black hair was in a mess, by his side was an older couple, his parents. 

“Aren’t we early mum? It doesn’t leave for another 30 minutes!” The boy complained, his accent was very posh and by the looks of his clothes they were probably really rich. 

“No there’s no such thing as too early, James. You should be more excited!” The lady said and patted her son on the shoulder. 

“Excuse me, you can’t stand there, you’re blocking our way” the boy who apparently was named James was already annoying Remus. 

“Oh sorry…” Remus said and moved away. He received a smile from the lady to thank him but the boy didn’t say anything and with his father’s hand on his shoulder the three of them disappeared through the wall. 

Remus shook his head and thought he should pull himself together and run through the portal already. So he stood a few feet away and made a small run with his eyes closed. He opened them again and saw the platform sign, and couldn’t help but smile. He walked towards the crowded platform and his smile never fell, people were hugging each other goodbye and some were crying. 

“But mum! You already know I’ll be in gryffindor just like you and dad” the posh boy from earlier was standing now by the train, arms crossed and a childish pout on his face. It reminded Remus of the spoiled children in his school, even though they were in a much lower class than what this “James” seemed to be. 

“You better behave young man! Do not bring shame to our family name, understood?” Remus winced at the stern voice, if it wasn’t for his good hearing he would not have heard any of it. He glanced at the origin of the voice and there stood a black haired woman, in a long black dress and expensive looking jewelry. At her side were two boys, with the same shade of black hair and the same big gray eyes. The one she was facing had looked down to the floor, avoiding his mother’s frightening glare.

“I will behave as the proper Black heir you’ve raised me to be and I will not bring shame to our name, mother.” The boy said almost as a whisper but Remus heard it anyway and felt sympathetic towards the boy. 

“Do you need any help?” A voice said and Remus looked up and saw a tall girl who was already dressed in the school uniform and had a gold badge on the front. “Don’t be frightened, I can help you find a seat. Come on.” The girl took his trunk and entered the train, Remus had no choice but to follow her. 

“I’m assuming this is your first year at Hogwarts, muggleborn?” The girl asked as she led him to an empty compartment. Remus had read enough to understand what she meant. 

“Um… yes and no. First year, not muggleborn.” He responded. 

“Oh alright! Well welcome to hogwarts… I'm the head girl of Ravenclaw, of course we still don’t know your house but I’m happy to help either way.” She said and Remus nodded, gratefully. She put his trunk up on the rack and left the compartment after saying, “by the way, no hats on the train, unless it’s winter so please remove it, alright?” 

Remus didn’t take it off and instead took a seat next to the window. He suddenly wished he had his book to read but settled on watching the people outside. There was only 10 minutes until the train left and the platform was busier than ever. He observed every person who seemed to be a first year student, and none of them seemed better than the ones at his normal school. So he told himself that he didn’t need friends and he shouldn’t try to make any, there was no point if he was going to be dissapointed anyway. 

“Excuse me, is this free?” A blond boy, with the same posh accent as the boy on the platform, stood at the door, holding his trunk. Remus nodded and let the boy take a seat, he then looked away through the window again. 

“Thanks, mate.” Peter said and Remus’s heart skipped a beat, that was the first time he was called that. He looked at the boy with wide eyes but shook his head, remembering the promise he made himself. 

“Peter!” Someone shouted and the blond boy stood up and hugged the other. It was the boy named james. Great, thought Remus sarcastically, already fitting in.

“Oh hello.” James turned to Remus who nodded in response, unwilling to try and make a conversation. Not that it mattered, the two boys were already on their own nostalgic trip of memories they’ve shared together. 

“Remember that Christmas when your father and my father both dressed up as Santa Claus at the same time? We were childish enough to think that Santa actually had a twin!” James said, making Peter laugh and Remus had to stop his eyes from rolling. The only memory he had of a happy Christmas was the brief one before his dad died, after that he had spent it alone with no tree or presents. 

“Hello, can I sit here please?” A girl with long hair, just like Remus’s, only hers was blonde, stood at the door. She wore a denim skirt and a white shirt and Remus thought it suited her. 

“Of course!” James said, smiling at her. She put her trunk under the seat as she couldn’t reach the top shelf and sat down beside Remus. 

“Hello!! I’m Marlene! It’s my first year” she said and looked at Remus expectantly.  He was not used to being spoken to, he was usually forgotten and no one ever said hi to him.  

“Oh, me too” he said and looked away again, he sensed the girl shrugging but he didn’t care. Five minutes and the train would leave, and the platform was now mostly filled with parents. 

“Hi! Can I join you?” A voice said and Remus looked at the intruder, who was already putting away his trunk. It was the black haired boy from earlier, up close he looked unrealistic. His hair fell perfectly on his shoulders and his cheekbones were chiseled to perfection, at least in Remus’s mind. The boy looked back at him, raising an eyebrow and Remus quickly whipped his head back to the window. 

“I know you! You’re the Black heir,  aren’t you?” The boy named Peter said and jumped to his legs. Remus never felt more out of place. How did they all know each other? 

“Ugh, please just call me Sirius.” Remus almost snorted. What kind of name was that? “I was hoping to get away from all that rubbish already” Remus noticed for the first time that this particular boy was the most posh of them all, his posture was like a prince his clothes were perfectly tailored to his body. But his attitude was nothing like he would have expected after the conversation he overheard on the platform. 

“I’m James Potter!” Said the boy with the glasses. 

“Peter pettigrew” then the blond boy. 

“Marlene McKinnon” the blonde girl and then everyone looked at Remus, expecting him to say his name. 

“I’m re-“ he started but a knock on the glass door for the compartment interrupted him. The same girl who helped him was pointing at his cap, gesturing for him to take it off, then leaving. He sighed and took the cap off, his hair had loosened and the braid slowly fell into place on his shoulder. A gasp was heard from Peter and James and Sirius looked at each other. 

“I’m Sophia” Remus said and looked away, he was used to introducing himself as such that it didn’t spark too much emotion.  

“I’m so sorry! I thought you were a boy!” Peter said with his hand covering his mouth. Remus smiled a little. The train started moving now. 

“It’s alright” Remus said, trying to sound like he was one of them. 

“What houses are you hoping for?” James asked and looked around “I’m probably a gryffindor!” He said. 

“Anything but slytherin for me” said Sirius and scoffed. 

“What do you mean? Your whole family is in slytherin?” Peter said, confused. 

“Exactly.” Sirius said and Remus broke a small smile at the cheekiness. 

“Well, I’m hoping for Gryffindor too.” Peter said and nodded. 

“Well my dad was a hufflepuff so maybe I’ll end up there!” Said Marlene and everyone nodded and then looked at Remus again. He was clearly expected to join their conversations now.

“I don’t really care where I end up.” he said truthfully and shrugged. 

“Are you a muggleborn?” Sirius asked and Remus shook his head. 

“No. My dad was a wizard and my mum a muggle.”

“Oh cool!” Sirius said and Remus didn’t understand what was so cool about that. 

“Anything of the trolley?” A very old lady stood just outside the compartment with a trolley filled with sweets. Remus’s stomach rumbled, he hadn’t eaten anything for the whole day but he didn’t have any money to buy so he looked outside again. 

“Four pumpkin pasties and six chocolate frogs please!” Remus heard Sirius say and he almost rolled his eyes at the accent again. 

“Sophia?” Sirius called and Remus looked at him. He offered one his pasties and gave him a smile. “Here, take one” Remus almost shook his head but the stare of the other boy was too convincing. 

“Thank you…” he said quietly, the other boy was so confident that Remus almost forgot the ridiculous accent. Remus took a bite and he almost spit it out, the taste on his tongue was so bad he cringed. 

“Oh my god! You don’t like it?” Marlene said and laughed, Remus shook his head and wrapped the pasty back up. 

“Is this your first time trying it?” James asked, surprised. 

“Yeah” Remus said, he hadn’t tried a lot in his lifetime. 

“Wow, well you gotta try one of these then! You like chocolate don’t you?” James said and reached for one of Sirius’s chocolate packets. Sirius glared at him but then nodded at Remus. 

Remus was overwhelmed, why were these people who were obviously above him, speaking to him so kindly. Like they were genuinely interested. Remus thought it was best to play along until they all got bored of him. Besides, they were all going to different houses anyway so it wouldn’t last. 

“Alright” he took the packet from James. 

Chocolate frogs he read on the packet. 

“Be careful or the frog will jump, hold the packet slightly open and the spell will disappear. Then you can eat it.” Peter explained and Remus nodded, he opened the packet and did as he was told. 

“It’s good to go now, I think” Peter said and Remus looked down at the purple packet in his hand. He opened it and inside was a chocolate frog, just as expected. He took it in his hand and brought it to his mouth, feeling multiple pairs of eyes on him as he did. 

“It’s good” he said and nodded, then took another bite. It was amazing, but Remus was not going to say that about a piece of chocolate. The others let out quiet cheers as Remus took another bite. He always liked chocolate but something about magical chocolate made him feel so giddy and cheerful. 

“Here, you can have another one” Sirius said and offered Remus the last packet, once he was done with the first. Remus shook his head hesitantly, not wanting to be greedy. 

“It’s alright, I’ll get some more later!” 

“Thank you” Remus smiled and felt happy to have another amazing chocolate frog in his hand. He felt a lot better after eating the second one and was looking forward to arriving at the school. “This is some really good chocolate” he said and everyone nodded in agreement. 

“That’s not even the best part, there’s a card in the box of famous people and you can collect them” James said between bites of pumpkin pasties. Remus hurried and picked out the cards from his boxes, amazed. 

“Yeah, but those are for children.” Peter said and Remus’s smile faltered as he put back the boxes on the seat, still holding the cards. 

“So what? They’re still cool” James said, annoyed.

“Yeah, if collecting the cards are for children then call me a child, I don’t care” Marlene said and rolled her eyes. Remus smiled again and nodded in agreement. “Go on Sophia, let’s see who you got!” 

Remus looked at the card, “ Oh, Merlin!” He shouted, which erupted fits of laughter from everyone in the compartment. It was so contagious Remus laughed too, although he didn’t understand what was funny. “I got Merlin” He repeated after the laughter started to die down. 

“Ohhh, that’s what you meant” Sirius said and burst out laughing again. 

“Yes, what else?” Remus was confused. 

“When someone says ‘Merlin’ like that, it’s like saying ‘oh my god’ in the muggle world, you know?” Marlene explained and Remus laughed at himself, understanding.

“Oh…” He said and nodded, he had a lot to learn and that was always something exciting for Remus.