Reconciliation
Sirius was almost out of ointment.
The little cuts from Narcissa’s party last night were too thin to tape up, but they still stung. Cursed wounds. Little bitches.
He was slathering ointment over his nicks, scrambling for a little relief, his face wet with tears and blood. He hadn’t stopped bleeding yet. That wasn’t a good sign, was it?
A sharp rap came from his bedroom door, and in a moment of poor thinking he whipped around and growled, “Fuck off!”
Oh well. If Orion hadn’t intended to finish the job before, he certainly would this time. There was a quiet whisper of an incantation outside and suddenly the door swung open. Sirius put his arms over his head to brace for the spell, but when it never came, he looked up confused.
He huffed and rolled his eyes. “What do you want, Reg? Come to gloat?”
Regulus swallowed and shut the door behind him, shuffling over the hard wood floors awkwardly to sit across from Sirius. Sirius glared at him as he finished applying the ointment, sliding it under his bed to keep it from his parents' view.
“Is that essence of dittany cream? It’s supposed to help with magical wounds?” Regulus asked, ignoring Sirius’s previous question. He wrapped his bony arms around his knees, hugging them to his chest.
Awkward silence filled the gap between the brothers like a thick fog, shrouding their view of each other and leaving them stuttering messes. We didn't used to be like this, you know, Sirius thought. He could remember a time when talking to Regulus felt like confiding in another part of his soul. However, time is the cruelest instrument of torture, and it will stretch you thin until you tear. It's all they can do now to try to glue those old rips back together, even if it aches like the gashes are new.
Sirius looked down at his taped-up legs. “Uh, yeah. Remus gave it to me to use this summer. I tried to convince him to keep it for his moons but…you know.”
Regulus looked up at him again. “So, you know that he told me?”
Sirius shrugged. “He ran to me drunk and crying. He was so sorry. The worst part was that he was trying to apologize to me, even though it was his mortal secret that got out. I guess it all turned out okay, though.” Sirius’s gaze stretched over the thin folds in Regulus’s hand that came with making an unbreakable vow.
“Yep. Evans can be pretty convincing.”
Sirius chuckled bitterly. “Isn’t that the truth?”
“I like him. He’s pretty cool compared to you, Potter, and Pettigrew.”
“Yeah, he keeps us in check. That is, when he feels up to it,” Sirius said.
Regulus looked down nervously. “That was…loving of him. To give you the essence of dittany. How much does he know? About here.”
“He knows enough to send me the essence of dittany when I come home,” Sirius said bitterly. “He actually cares about what happens when we’re here, unlike some people I know.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“Oh, I think we both know the answer to that. I’m sure Barty and Evan are having a wonderful summer, you should know since you've spent every waking moment writing to the and ignoring the blood on the floor,” Sirius didn’t know why he was mad at Reg exactly, they both had scars from last night, after all. He was just filled with an indecipherable rage that needed to go somewhere before it tore him apart. And Regulus was right there.
“Sirius, please don’t be like this,” Regulus groaned, dropping his head into his hands.
“Like what?”
“Like I’m the enemy. I took a champagne glass to the face for you yesterday. I…I did what you keep asking me to do! I don’t know what else I can do, I put myself out there, I tried to stand up for you, I…I don’t want to be enemies, Sirius. Merlin knows we both can't afford to have one more person who hates us in this godforsaken house.”
Sirius sighed, submitting to his brother’s comments. “I am thankful for what you did last night. Who knows what she had prepared next,” He sucked in a deep breath. “I’m sorry. It’s just…harder here, for some reason. Like, back at school it’s so easy to pretend that nothing happened in the first place. But here it’s like it follows me everywhere.”
Regulus nodded. “Me too. I just-I don’t want to lose all of the work we made. After all, I kinda bore my soul to you this year. I don’t want to undo all of that. That took a lot out of me, and it hurts me when you act like it meant nothing.”
Sirius remembered when he and Regulus had spoken again for the first time, after nearly four years of insufferable silence. It hadn’t been pretty. There had been screaming and crying and fighting and at one point hugging, but what Sirius remembered the most was Regulus revealing how disposable he felt. Like if he did mess up for any reason, they would toss him away, as he wasn’t the heir, and he wasn’t "important". Sirius didn’t see how that was possible, considering Reg was a much better son in the eyes of the Blacks than Sirius was, but he could understand where the fear was coming from. Sirius had James to run to. And while yes, Reg had some great friends to turn to when things got hard, he couldn't stay or hide with them, as Crouch and Rosier’s parents would easily turn him back into the Blacks immediately. They might even torture him themselves.
But, then again, James had always said that both of them were welcome at the Potter’s at any time. Effie would obviously love to take both of them in. The problem was just getting Regulus to go. They had had this conversation several times, and every time it had ended with a week-long silent treatment from Regulus that only allowed Sirius to boil in his frustration. Sirius didn't know if it was Regulus's overpowering need to prove that he didn't need anyone or anything or if he was just stubborn for the point of it. After all, the first time Reg met Effie he melted like butter set out on a summer day. Effie had that ability.
But then, the second he steps out of the sun, he hardens.
“I don’t either. It’s really annoying, being mad at you,” He groaned, leaning back against the bed.
A small smile cracked Regulus's expression, which filled Sirius with something that felt suspiciously like hope. If Reg can smile when they’re home, then something must be working. They must be doing something right.
“Is it just me, or are they...worse than usual?” Regulus asked quietly.
Sirius thought for a moment. “No, they’ve always been like this. Just not to you as well. That’s the only difference. They have enough parental rage to go around this time," Sirius said, picking at his nails. They were painted black, but it was chipping now, revealing pale and thin nails beneath. Remus had done them one day when he was bedridden after an awful moon; it had helped take his mind off of the new scar on his face and his bandaged wrists. One was from the transformation the previous night; the other was very much not. Sirius hadn’t felt that much fear for Remus since he first saw the transformation for himself. Sirius had painted Moony’s nails shortly after, as Remus’s shaky hands weren’t well suited for painting them himself, especially on white bedding.
Stop. Can't think of that. Can't think of him.
“I think it’s the war. It’s about to break and they’re getting nervous.”
Sirius looked up at him suddenly. Regulus scoffed. “Don’t look at me like that, you and I both know it’s escalating. They’re going to force us to pick a side soon.”
“You mean their side.”
Regulus let out a huff of frustration. “Yes, honestly, probably their side.”
“I won’t do it.”
“Sirius-”
“I won’t. They’d actually have to kill me. Their stupid prejudice against muggleborns is really starting to get on my nerves and I’d give anything to kill one of those heinous motherfuckers. I won’t join them. I’d rather die.”
Regulus didn’t answer, and a cold shudder ran through Sirius.
“Reg, would you join them?”
“Don’t call me that.”
“Would you join them?” Sirius repeated. “Because need I remind you, some of the most amazing, kind, talented people I know are muggleborns, and they have more integrity in a single cell of their bodies than the rest of our family combined.”
“Excluding Andromeda, I suppose?” Regulus muttered bitterly.
“Yes. Excluding Andromeda.”
Regulus sighed. “Sirius…I wish I was more okay with dying like you are. Dying for a good cause. But…” He winced, as though it physically pained him to admit it. But this is what they were doing now. They were trying to mend what they had broken. And that meant no secrets. “All I know how to do is survive. It’s all I’ve done for so long, whatever I can to keep myself going. I don’t know if I’m good at just giving it all up.”
“It doesn’t have to mean sacrificing your life, Reg. It could just mean sticking with me when it does get rough. Whether it means you get a champagne glass to the face or not.”
Regulus stared at his hands, suddenly not eager to keep up a conversation apparently. “I…I don’t know, Sirius. I’m not brave like you.”
Sirius put a hand on Regulus’s shoulder. “You are brave, Reg. I know it. You just need to surprise yourself now.”
Regulus pressed the heels of his hands to his eyes, and Sirius realized he was about to cry. “No, no, no, none of that here. Not anymore.”
Regulus nodded. “I know,” He looked around, seemingly deep in thought before turning back to Sirius. “Do you want to get out of here?”
“Yes,” Sirius answered without hesitation. “But I’ve already tried that, and it didn’t end very well,” He motioned to his bandaged legs.
Regulus did smile this time, which looked strange against his watery eyes. “I may have an idea.”
Sirius stood up, feeling his cuts expand and sting with each time his skin stretched slightly. He was really going to need to study that spell, that way he knew how to prepare for it in the future. He leaned back against the bed, looking at Regulus warily. Regulus was never this enthusiastic to get out of the house. Sure, he wanted to, but he had always been a suck-up to their parents. Like he said before, he would do anything to stay out of their line of fire. To blend into the background. To fade away.
Regulus got to his feet too and took a deep breath. “You have to promise not to get mad at me.”
“Seriously, Reg?”
“Promise me.” Regulus said firmly.
Sirius sighed. “Regulus, us being against each other won’t help us get out of here alive. I solemnly swear that I will not get angry at you. Deal?”
He still looked hesitant, but eventually he nodded. Regulus closed his eyes, and suddenly-
Regulus was gone. Instead, all that was in his place was a black cat with huge gray eyes, his tail curling up. Sirius hardly kept in his gasp as he scrambled backwards onto the bed, scurrying away from the cat.
The cat disappeared and suddenly his brother was back, staring at him with his arms outstretched.
“Stop! Stop! Why are you looking at me like that?” Regulus moaned.
“You’re an animagus?!” Sirius whisper-yelled, careful not to attract attention from his parents downstairs in the sitting room, sipping tea with Mulciber and Avery.
Regulus rolled his eyes and dragged his hands down his face. “Yes, yes, yes. I thought that was obvious. Now, I bet I can sneak into the abandoned fireplace on the fourth floor, the one in Lucius’s old study?”
Sirius didn’t miss the way his eyelids flickered when he said the name Lucius. There was some form of history between the two of them, but Regulus hadn’t offered to share it, and Sirius hadn’t bothered to ask. And he certainly wasn’t about to now.
“Yes, okay?”
“I bet I can floo to James’ place and get the invisibility cloak-”
“How do you know about the invisibility cloak?” Sirius gasped.
“Remus spills a lot when he’s drunk.”
“I’m going to have to discuss that with him.”
“You probably should. He’s so lightweight that someone could hand him a glass of champagne and suddenly they know his whole life story.”
“Reg, not everyone has been drinking since age seven. You and I could probably drink enough alcohol to kill a normal person before even feeling slightly tipsy. It also doesn’t help that Remus has lycanthropy.” Sirius pointed out.
Regulus shrugged. “Whatever. I’ll get the invisibility cloak from James and bring it back to you, then you can travel through the hallways up to the floo and we can escape together.”
“Where?”
Regulus hesitated. “I-er, actually hadn’t gotten that far. I assumed we could go get some food, maybe visit James and Remus? I mean, we haven’t seen them all summer and they probably have more updates on the war then we do-”
“Regulus,” Sirius tried, something becoming evident to him. The cut on Regulus’s cheek was bleeding again, but Regulus was ignoring it. The blood was flowing harder, curling on his chin and landing on his shirt.
“Not to mention Euphemia and Fleamont are lovely people, granted I’ve hardly met them aside from the quidditch championship this year, but I’m sure they’d be happy to let us stay the night. Just until things blow over and mother and father calm down. How do you feel about McDonalds? It’s this muggle chain restaurant that Lily will not shut up about to me, and I’ve really considered it-”
“Regulus.” The blood wasn’t stopping, the wound seemed to be ripping itself larger by the minute.
“Because I want to try a burger. I’ve never had a burger. I’ve never had much of anything. It might be nice to have some greasy food instead of stupid French meals for once. Don’t get me wrong, I love the country, but I’m so sick of European dishes, it might be nice to try something a bit more American next time. Or maybe Euphemia would make us an Indian dish? James is always raving about her curry, and I’d love to try it, though I doubt I’d be able to handle the spice. Is it true that once he had five shots of hot sauce and didn’t even blink? I believe it, he can handle his spice extraordinarily well-”
“Regulus!” Sirius said, grabbing Reg’s face and holding it in his hands. Reg’s face was flushed and tired, a weak tear slipping free of his eye. Sirius studied the gash from the broken champagne flute, which had swelled to twice its original size, and sighed, reaching for his ointment. Regulus had stopped talking and started whimpering, the pain from the wound clearly too much to handle. He sucked in deep shuddery breaths but ended up hiccupping, because if Walburga found him crying up here he was done for. His face wouldn’t be what ended up getting sliced next. “Shh, it’s okay. It’s okay.”
Regulus collapsed into him while Sirius held his head up, dabbing the ointment on his face and watching the cut heal up. “But that’s yours-”
“Remus would want you to have it.”
Regulus sighed, irritated, wiping away another tear. “I wish it didn’t have to be like this.”
“Me neither, Reg.” Sirius said, finishing taping up the gash. Regulus sat up and moved away from him, his stoic expression replacing his weak one from a moment ago. Walls back up, curtains drawn, heart locked tight.
“Wait, how long have you been an animagus?”
Regulus shrugged. “Maybe eight months? I don’t know, I finally got it on Halloween night.”
Sirius narrowed his eyes. “Wait, Halloween?”
Regulus swallowed. “Er, yes.”
“Was that you?”
He looked down and folded his lips in a line. “I…I missed you, Sirius.”
Sirius guffawed, getting to his feet. "That's not an excuse to stalk me, Regulus! I thought I was alone!"
"You might as well have been!"
"That was some deeply personal information you heard!"
"Oh, come on, you couldn't even stand up straight, don't pretend you were Aristotle."
"I thought I was trauma-dumping to a cat."
"And what does that say about you? Is anything with a working pulse subject to your dramatics? Merlin, Sirius, it was one time, I don't understand why you're so upset about this-!"
"It's an invasion of my privacy."
"You were drunk."
Sirius sat back, burrowing his face in his hands out of humiliation, his mind recalling Halloween night in vivid detail.