For My Stars

Halloween night had been the biggest blowout of Gryffindor tower ever. The Marauders were always considered to be the party planners, and they did an incredible job, as always. They bribed the Fat Lady into letting students from other houses inside of the dorm for the party, and she begrudgingly agreed on the exchange that she could change the password whenever she liked for students that she detested. If they wanted in, they'd have to send a patronus and have someone that the Fat Lady actually did appreciate vouch for them. It seemed to be a fair trade.

They had decked the place out in candles and spooky decorations, a large display of alcohol and potions and music available for the students. It was a shuffling mass of bodies and charms and laughing and crying and dancing and making out-there was so much making out. And a decent amount of it was coming from his and Remus’s direction.

It had originally been a struggle to get Remus to participate. November 1st was a full moon, and Remus usually tried to be sober and well-rested before his moons. He had planned on locking the door and curling up in bed all night, reading and resting as much as he could. Sirius had to drag him out of the dorm to actually have fun, and while Remus was attempting to ignore the jealous looks from straight girls with their eyes stuck on their interlocked fingers, Sirius was blowing them kisses and offering autographs. That’s correct, you heard it right, he had pulled Remus Fucking John Lupin. And Hogwarts was pissed.

“I thought he was straight!” A frustrated Hufflepuff grumbled, checking his Moony out.

Sirius had whipped around protectively, making Remus roll his eyes and attempt to tug Sirius away from the girls. “He’s bi, ladies! Your time will come…” He checked his fake watch. “When I’m dead!” With a wink and a kiss, he dragged Remus onto the dance floor. The fact that Remus was bi was known throughout the whole school, he had announced it when the questioning on if he was actually dating Sirius had reached an all-time high, shutting up the rumors. Some people just still refused to believe it.

Remus was loose and tired, making him sloppier that night when they were dancing. He was twirling Sirius around, dipping him low and intermingling kisses into their complicated routine. Usually, Remus let Sirius lead when they were dancing together due to his extensive knowledge in ballroom dancing, but that night it was Moony who was in control. They cut through the crowd like water, sliding in and out of the throng of people. Sometimes they were slow dancing, sometimes they were group dancing with the rest of their friends, at one point they were even seeing how low to the floor they could get in a dance circle. Eventually they grew tired of swinging each other in circles and retired to the couch that had previously been packed with horny students, but the crowd quickly cleared for the power couple of Hogwarts.

The following thirty minutes were lost in a haze of kisses and gentle touches and heat from every pore in their bodies and blaring music and whooping and cheering, and Sirius felt drunk just reveling in the memory.

Sirius had been mouthing down Remus’s jawline, nipping whenever it felt right, and listening to the glorious sounds Remus made when he felt it: the way Remus’s body had suddenly gone slack, and his breath had evened out. He pulled away and stared at Remus’s serene face, realizing he’d fallen asleep in the middle of their make out session, the lipstick Mary had convinced Sirius to try at some point smeared across the sleepy smile on his face. Poor Moony must have been more tired than Sirius thought. Sirius smiled and nudged him lightly, waking Remus up with a startle. His beautiful brown eyes contracted with annoyance at having been woken before immediately dilating when he caught sight of Sirius straddling him. He slung one of Remus's arms over his shoulders and led him up the stairs and back to their dorm room, Remus spluttering tired and drunk apologies as they went.

“I-I’m sorry, I didn’t want to seem ungrateful or anything, I was having a great time, I swear-”

“Shh. It’s okay, love. I get it. Sleep well, I’ll make sure no one wakes you up,” Sirius smiled, and Remus gave him a peck on the cheek before collapsing back against the pillows, exhaustion finally overcoming him. Sirius had tucked him in and cast a silencing charm in front of the door, in case any noise from the party woke him up. Then, in permanent etching, he wrote 

If any one of you enters or wakes the person in this room, you will be severely lacking in genitalia tomorrow. Find somewhere else to snog. Thank you, Padfoot.

He had made his way back downstairs, his heart full and his cheeks flushed. Remus tended to make him feel intoxicated even if his alcohol tolerance was extraordinarily high. He had stumbled down the infuriatingly steep stairs, looking over the room. Mary was talking excitedly with a Ravenclaw boy before getting rudely cut off by the boy lunging forward and taking her mouth in his. Apparently, she had been going for that though, because her smooth, dark hand shot out and wrapped its lithe fingers around the boy’s pale and freckled neck. His freckles weren’t as pretty as Remus’s. Remus’s were almost golden, this boy's were orange. Like cheese.

Lily was chatting with James, and Sirius was ready to shoot off party poppers and sing the Gryffindor victory chant. How did it go? We are loyal to you Gryffin-doorrrrr... James had been trying for a chance with Lily for the past…he didn’t even know, forever, he supposed. However, James had pulled back this year. He seemed less sure about how he felt about her, but Sirius supposed that came with age. But it was finally happening for him, and Sirius was more proud than a brother could be.

His eyes landed on a dark figure lingering toward the corner of the room, and there was Regulus, beer in hand, bored expression in eyes. He looked like he wanted to be anywhere but here, but Dorcas was reuniting with Marlene, Marlene shoving through the crowd to scoop her girlfriend up and spin her towards a game of exploding snap including firewhiskey. Regulus looked a little tired, maybe slightly tipsy, so who knew how many of those beers in his hands he had had so far. As previously mentioned, it took a particularly strong brew to make the Black brothers stumble. His brother’s eyes were locked on someone across the room, but as Sirius went to see who he was looking at, Regulus suddenly turned on his heel and left the room. James had startled when the door slammed, a strange frown that Sirius couldn’t interpret coming across his features.

“They’re totally together,” someone said from behind him, making him jump.

“James and Regulus? That’s ridiculous,” Sirius said, turning to look at Peter, who was scratching at the collar of his shirt.

“Who said anything about James and Regulus? I was talking about James and Lily…” Peter said, “Unless you know something I don’t?”

Sirius let out a huff of laughter. “As if. Even thinking that makes me gag.”

Peter shrugged. “I don’t know, they kind of have been watching each other a lot, haven’t they? I don’t know, I’ve caught some tension on the pitch.”

Sirius shot him a glare. “You don’t honestly think…?”

Now it was Peter’s turn to laugh. “No, no I don’t. But I’m keeping my options open. You never know anymore. Nobody’s what you think they are anymore.”

“What’s that supposed to mean, Pete?” Sirius said, defensively. “You know it’s really fucking rude to assume how someone feels, right?”

Peter threw up his hands, taking a step back. “C’mon, Pads, you know I didn’t mean it like that. I mean, yes, you and Remus caught me by surprise, but not because I didn’t think you were gay. I mean, that was pretty obvious from the start.”

Peter seemed to recognize his mistake and slammed his eyes shut, groaning inwardly. “Sirius, I-”

“Nah, it’s okay Wormy. I’m, uh, gonna go get another drink. Have a good night.”

“Wait, Merlin, I’m sorry,” Peter said, grabbing Sirius’s arm. Sirius flinched and tripped down a step, slamming into the railing. That was going to leave a bruise. Peter released his arm, and his heart did a flip. He hadn’t flinched like that in a while. He thought he was better now. He thought he would have left those tiny scars that marred the soul instead of the skin back at Grimmauld. Apparently not. All he could think when he saw Peter’s hand reach out was that a hard pinch was going to break his skin, or a claw-like grip was going to drag him away. Some things never change, he supposed.

“Have you seen Remus? I know he was with you earlier, but he disappeared a minute ago,” Peter said, trying to cover up even though he had obviously noticed Sirius’s recoil.

“Oh, yeah. He’s tired, you know, with what he’s got going on tomorrow. Think I exhausted him out here, ha. He’s sleeping, hence the note,” Sirius laughed.

“That makes sense. Thanks. I’ll, uh, catch you later?” Peter said, backing down the stairs.

“Yeah, for sure.”

Peter slipped back down the stairs, melting into the crowd in a very Peter-like fashion. Sirius dragged a hand down his face and sighed, considering actually going to get another drink. He hadn’t expected that conversation to drain him so much; usually he didn’t feel his family’s presence like that. It was just so much harder than he could ever anticipate sometimes, and he had no idea why. It was like the memories would hit him at random and he’d get winded, needing a distraction. But, after what happened with Remus, he was worried that he was hurting his distractions. Besides, he didn’t want to pretend that was all Moony was. Sirius had never felt this way about anyone, of course he wasn’t just something to keep his mind off of his mother. Obviously, Remus wasn’t in the state for partying tonight, but Sirius had done it anyway, because he was caught in his own head. What kind of a shit boyfriend did that make him?

He was quickly pulled out of his spiral by James waltzing up the stairs, looking worried.

“Hey, Pads?”

“Hey, what’s up?” Sirius said, pretending he hadn’t been on the verge of tears mere minutes ago.

“Where’s Moony?”

“Ha, Pete just asked me that.”

“What can I say, he’s a popular guy.”

“I’ll say.” Sirius grumbled.

“Yeah, I saw all those girls watching you two make out. Lotta jealousy for Gryffindor women tonight. My heart goes out to all of the jilted lovers who thought they had a chance against you, pretty boy,” James winked at him, taking a sip of his firewhiskey.

“Mine doesn’t. I’d say they can suck my dick if someone didn’t already have that covered,” Sirius muttered.

James choked on his drink which sent Sirius into a laughing fit. James was laughing too. It was amazing, it always was when you were standing next to the sun. James was a howling-screaming-silently-crying-slapping-everyone-around-you kinda laugher. If you told a funny joke you might want to take a step back, because Tornado Potter was rolling through your hometown.

“Okay, okay, but seriously, is he okay? He looked kinda…groggy, while you guys were going at it. Then he passed out and…do I need to be worried?”

“Only about as much as you usually are. It’s the day before, you know he’s always trying to use up his empty oil these days.”

James snorted. “I don’t think that’s how cars work. Though, that’s me acting as though you know anything about muggle metaphors.”

“Hey! I’m extremely knowledgeable about the muggle world, thank you very much.”

“Pads, you’re failing muggle studies as we speak.”

“That’s because I’m not trying, and I’m never even gonna need to know that,” He held up his wand and made a show of giving it a fat kiss. “I’m never letting this baby go. Might get it surgically attached to my palm, come to think of it.”

James shook his head, directing the conversation back to the task at hand. “I don’t know, it felt…different? Today? I don’t know. He just seems a little less…Moony.”

Sirius looked at his shoes, splattered with glitter and paint and probably beer. “I don’t know. He seems fine to me.”

James looked over at him, definitely realizing that Sirius was avoiding the question, before leaving it alone and gazing around the room again. James was good at that, recognizing what you needed in the moment it was needed. The party was still gaining speed, it was barely even one a.m. yet. 

“We did good, Padfoot,” James said, passing Sirius a beer and holding his own out for Sirius to touch against.

“Indeed we did, Prongs,” Sirius said, clinking his bottle against his best friend’s.

“Game tomorrow, you ready?” James said, after chugging the rest of his drink, always ready with the subject change.

“Always. I just really need to hit something, you know? Preferably at a Hufflepuff.”

“Nah, those guys are softies. You couldn’t possibly try to injure one of them.”

“Have you seen Aubrianna Hearst? I don’t think she’s in the badger house for her kind and gentle demeanor. Her bludgers have heat on them, and she loves to target other beaters. It’s like a game to her: how many can I knock out with one hit?”

“I don’t know, she’s got nothing on you. Your flying is like nothing I’ve ever seen, man, it’s like you were born on a broom.”

“Prongs, you were born on a broom. Don’t do this to me.”

“No, really! You and Reggi-I mean Regulus are something else when you play. It’s graceful, it’s elegant, it’s like you’re dancing. It actually makes me tear up,” James said, and sure enough, his eyes had a watery film over them.

“Don’t tell me you’re going soft on me too, Mr. Gryffindor Mascot. You keep that up and Hufflepuff will snatch you before I get a chance to say goodbye.”

“Ha-ha, just you wait, I’m gonna make those badgers go back to their holes tomorrow.”

“Do badgers live in holes?”

“I have no fucking idea.”

“I’ll cheers to that, mate.”

They cheers’d again and downed another bottle of firewhiskey. Merlin, Sirius loved parties.

“Speaking of Regulus-”

“We were talking about him?” Sirius interjected. He was having a great time; he didn’t want to suddenly dampen it with his moody younger brother.

“Uh, kinda, a little while back there. I was thinking, are you two doing good? Working on, like, becoming something that resembles acquaintances?”

“Acquaintances?”

“I think shooting for ‘friends’ is a bit much at the moment.”

“I could agree with that. I mean, yeah, we’re supposed to have tea together next week. I’m specifically skipping divination for it. I…I’m feeling hopeful.”

James’s face split into a huge smile that felt like warm sunlight on Sirius’s face. Sirius didn’t care how many times he talked to Regulus; he didn’t care if they made up after this, he and James would always be brothers. No matter what.

“I’m so happy for you guys, you really deserve it. You shouldn’t let your shitty parents rip the two of you apart, I’m so glad that you’re trying. I think it’s all going to look up from now on, you know? I think…I think I’m feeling hopeful too, you know? Merlin, I just love love.”

“James, how many firewhiskies have you had tonight?” Sirius laughed.

“Ugh, not enough, mate. I’m going to keep talking to Lily, just wanting to catch up. Love ya, mate.”

“Love ya too, babe!” Sirius called after him, and James made a show of blowing him a bunch of kisses.

A hand tapped Sirius on the shoulder. “Wait, I thought you and Lupin were dating?”

Sirius put a hand on the fifth year’s shoulder. “That’s the beauty of it, love.”

Sirius melted back into party life after that.

Shots.

Dancing.

“Sirius, cast your patronus!”

Ooo’s and aah’s as a translucent dog sprinted across the common room.

Cup pong.

Dancing.

Shots.

“Show us another one!”

Shots.

Shots.

Sirius mingled and talked and danced and drank, really feeling the music beneath his skin. For a while, it was like he forgot everything about his life. It felt like everything was okay.

However, the night just kept going, slowly bleeding into day, but Sirius couldn’t shake the uneasy feeling he had. He was so flinch-y. Every time someone spoke to him, every time someone bumped into him, basically anyone approached him without him seeing them from head-on he was jumping nearly a foot into the air and quivering. It was a horrible feeling. He felt like he saw them everywhere, hiding in the shadows of the dimly lit common room. His father was looming behind that chair, belt in hand. Narcissa was sipping something over in the corner, waiting to judge his new piercing or outfit choice with words that bit. Bellatrix was staring at him, wand pointed, hex ready. And his mother-she was in every face he saw, every haunted ache in his soul. She was slapping him across the face and then she was cursing him, sending him writhing on the floor. Except it felt like he was doing it on the inside, instead of literally seizing on the ground. 

All at once it became too much. He felt like if he was touched one more time he was either going to vomit or pass out. He pushed himself out of the crowd, trying to regain control over his heartbeat, when suddenly he ran smack into Remus.

Remus was so thin and pale that he nearly fell over at Sirius’s tiny form ramming into him. Sirius grabbed his arms to steady both himself and Remus, looking up at him through his eyelashes. They were both shaking, though Remus looked ill, and Sirius looked panicked. There was a big difference between the two, but Sirius couldn’t bring it in himself to care about his own problems when Remus looked on the verge of death.

“Moony? Are you okay? What’s up? Why are you out of bed? Did someone wake you? Who do I need to curse? What’s wrong? Do you need something?” Sirius spat quickly, hands reaching up to cup Remus's face.

Remus put his hands to his eyes, rubbing at the dark circles underneath them. “Uh, too many questions at once, love.”

“Right, right, okay. Tell me what’s going on?”

Remus faked a smile. “It’s really not a big deal, I just don’t feel very well. I think I’m gonna go to the hospital wing,” Sirius scanned him and pulled Remus to him by the waist, hugging him tightly. “I just don’t think the drinks were a good idea, and I’m really achy, I just-” Suddenly Remus hissed in a tight breath, gasping out in pain.

Sirius drew back immediately, trying to figure out what was wrong, when he noticed the bulge in Remus’s pockets. Without warning, he reached his hands into Remus’s trouser pockets and felt the items inside, pulling out handfuls of tiny Prefect pins. Tiny silver Prefect pins. One of the pins accidentally brushed Remus’s skin, turning it a pigmented shade of red. Remus cried out in pain, obviously growing weaker by the moment with the silver so close to him. Sirius flung them to the ground as though they were demonic.

“Incendio!” He shouted, drawing the party noise to a halt.

Everyone stopped to gawk at the melting pile of silver pins. James ran over and casted a water charm on it, before grabbing the lump of charred pins and chucking it out the window, shattering the stained glass into thousands of tiny fragments. People gasped, but James didn’t act like anything was wrong. He just shook out his hand and brought his burnt fingers to his mouth to ease the pain. Lily and Remus shared a knowing look, and she silently repaired the window with a charm. Remus let out a tight breath of agony.

“Alright, who did it!” Sirius shouted, searching hungrily around the room.

His eyes fell on a guilty looking Gryffindor. “Hey, you! That’s right, I’m speaking to you,” The girl looked no older than fifteen, her eyes wide with terror. “You think you’re funny or something, slipping cursed pins into my boyfriend’s clothes?”

The girl trembled. “I-I didn’t know they were cursed, I swear! Someone had just made a bet-”

“Who?” Sirius roared. “Who made the fucking bet?!”

“Snape!” The girl squeaked. Everyone was looking at them now, and Sirius watched in horror as Remus collapsed against the couch, relying on it to hold him up. He looked awful, pale and gaunt with veins bulging from his arms and temples.

Suddenly Barty Crouch Jr. shoved through the crowd, holding Snivellus by the collar. “I caught him trying to sneak out the back.”

“Thanks Barty. Didn’t know we were friends, but thanks anyway.”

“Hey, any friend of Reg’s is a friend of mine.”

Sirius raised an eyebrow.

“Meaning I’m friends with Remus, and I don’t let assholes who cursed him just get away with it. Merlin, not much of a brain under all that hair, is there?”

Sirius tried not to smile. All of Reg’s friends thought pretty highly of Remus, even if they were total assholes. He turned his attention to Snape, who had his nose turned up.

Sirius pointed his wand at his neck, causing people to gasp. Remus muttered Sirius’s name and a plea for him to stop under his breath, but Sirius was riled up and ready to fight.

“You think you’re funny, don’t you, Snivellus?” Sirius snarled.

“I didn’t curse the pins, Black, surely you know that,” Snape smirked at him. “There must be some other reason the pins are making him feel ill.”

“I don’t give a fuck who cursed them, it was your idea, wasn’t it? Because you’re so jealous of us, that the only thing you know how to do to get any amount of attention is to try to fucking murder my friends!” He shouted, before kneeing Snape in the ribs. The crowd gasped and Snape folded like a piece of paper.

“Sirius, stop, please,” Remus said quietly, but he wasn’t done yet.

“Listen here, asshole, I don’t know who you think you’re playing, but the next time you pull one of these, I will not hold back to show you exactly what he’s feeling right now. The Cruciatus Curse doesn’t feel so good when you’re not the one casting it, as you’ll learn.”

“Hey, it doesn't hurt like the Cruciatus Curse,” Snape snapped.

That was probably right. Transformations themselves were equivalent to the pain of getting crucio’d, but silver? For Remus, that was like being drunk, hungover, and burned alive all at once. It was probably worse than the torture curse because it could actually kill him.

“Wanna find out?”

“Sirius!” Remus shouted, and Sirius finally turned back to him. Remus looked really horrible now, and a hole hollowed out Sirius’s stomach. “Please, I need to get to the hospital wing, I don’t know if I can hold myself up like this much longer,” He grunted.

James grabbed one arm and Sirius took the other, and though he wasn’t nearly finished with Snape, they marched through the halls to take Remus to the hospital wing as fast as possible. He was quickly becoming dead weight.

“I can’t believe I let this happen,” Sirius mumbled as they walked through the hall.

“Not your fault,” Remus murmured, half-conscious.

“Honestly, what were they thinking! Slipping fucking silver in your pockets! If they’d only known-”

“No, Padfoot. They’re not going to know,” Remus argued.

“I bet it was a weightlessness charm,” James said from the opposite side of Sirius’s boyfriend. “That was how he didn’t notice. I think I might’ve spotted a few people doing it tonight. I’m sorry, I didn’t realize. I guess Snape set up a game to see how many they could pin on you without you realizing. I should’ve done something when I saw it.”

“It’sss all goooood, Prongs. I’ll live!”

Sirius and James cast each other unnerving glances. Will you? They asked.

They reached the hospital wing and Madam Pomfrey gasped, taking Remus from them. “Oh dear, what’s wrong? It’s so late, boys.”

“Silver emergency,” Sirius grumbled.

“I’m okay, really-” Moony attempted, but Madam Pomfrey scoffed.

“No, you are not. Let’s get you to bed, we’ll see what we can do. Thank you, boys, you can go back to sleep now.” Madam Pomfrey said, causing Sirius to flush. She must know about the party. One thing the Marauders weren’t was subtle.

“Definitely.” James agreed. “We’ll come see him before the game tomorrow, okay?”

“Please do,” Remus groaned as Madam Pomfrey took him inside.

James went back to the common room, sullen and slightly pissed. 

Sirius did not.

Regulus didn’t know where the hype had come from, Gryffindor parties were ignorant at best and mortifying at worst.

There was so much…contact. He realized that the minute he had stepped into his brother’s dorm room; everyone was shoulder to shoulder, lip to lip. The idea of so many bodies brushing over him nearly made Regulus shut down.

Regulus was weird about physical contact. Sometimes he wanted it, and sometimes he thought it would kill him. He could blame that on Lucius though.

He could blame a lot of his fears on Lucius.

The man who had taken away his perception of touch and lust and trust. The man who had made it his own personal mission to remind Regulus that he would never be enough if he wasn’t the heir. The man who had turned his feelings into a whirlwind that he couldn’t allow himself to be sucked into.

Lucius did not deserve this kind of power over him. But he had it nonetheless.

Regulus had attempted to linger in the corner, far away from the shuffling mass of bodies. He planned on people watching, maybe a little dancing, and leaving before his brother could find a reason to fight with him.

He had underestimated the problem with James.

He and James had been seeing each other in private for a few months now. Regulus wanted to keep it a secret, terrified as to what would happen if his family caught word of who he had fallen for. What Lucius would do if he learned who he’d fallen for.

And oh, how Regulus had fallen.

He’d tried to blame the tension in his nerves and fire in his stomach when he saw James on bitterness and jealousy the past five years, but it was too much now, especially when James had drunkenly kissed him in the astronomy tower one night after a quidditch celebration party. Regulus had frozen, not because he didn’t want James to kiss him, but because he he had been caught off guard. However, after a few moments of him realizing that his body was in fact not revolting against the idea, he slowly let up, and then just like that he was making out with James Potter in the astronomy tower. James had apologized the following day for attempting to make any kind of forward move while drunk and told Regulus that he had truly meant it, and ever since they’d been secret lovers. 

Regulus didn’t know if James wanted to go public quite yet, but Reg certainly wasn’t ready to. Especially not when he was trying to fix his relationship with his brother. And he was pretty sure James understood that. James was eerily good at that, understanding what you needed, when you needed it, even if you didn’t know it yourself. He just understood people. 

Being around him never drained Regulus, like it did with other people. Take Barty as an example, he couldn’t be around him for too long without needing to recharge on his own. The only person even remotely comparable to the feeling he felt with James was how he felt with Pandora, but all of his feelings for her remained strictly in the platonic realm. However, James and Pandora were practically polar opposites. She was quiet and gentle, James was bold and loud, but they shared one particular trait-a love for strays. People who were lost in life and needed a friend to hold them to prevent an inevitable breakdown were their specialties.

Oftentimes, Regulus felt as though he had a finite supply of love and affection inside of him, and he had to carefully calculate who and what he spent it on. If he put too much of it in the wrong person, it could leave him drained and weakened. To him, all he had learned was that love was a weakness. You show emotion to something; you are only opening a door to more pain. James and Pandora weren’t like that. They were both filled to the brim with love, and it spilled over into every single person they talked to. It was like it just kept coming. However, Pandora was more quiet with her love. James announced it to the world as though it were his own profession. To him, his love was his greatest strength. But one of these days, it was going to tear his heart out of his chest.

He could see that clearly, watching him talk to Lily from across the room.

It was a feeling he hadn’t felt since he’d been at home. The idea that he was the second choice. That he was not wanted, he was the backup. Sirius was the heir. Sirius was important. Sirius got the attention. Sirius, Sirius, Sirius.

The same thing applied to James and Lily. There was no doubt in the world that the two were soulmates. Their energy, their playfulness, just watching them talk about dull nothings was filling Regulus with dread, because how stupid could he be? James and Regulus were not soulmates. They were an anomaly. They were a lunar eclipse, a rare moment where the sun is shining in a space or time where it was never supposed to interact with, just for the chance to kiss the stars. James and Regulus dating; it broke the rules of time and space. The universe had to bend and practically snap in order to give them the conditions to be together. They were two people who were never supposed to cross paths, two people who were never supposed to unite. They were groundbreaking, something that only happened once in a lifetime. Obviously they would draw attention, they were a rare instance of fate and logic breaking all of the rules that kept the universe intact to allow them to be brought together.

The sun and the star, the anomaly.

However, James and Lily?

The sun was always meant to allow its beautiful bold rays to kiss the gentle petals of the flowers in the meadow. They were codependent. The flower could not bloom without the sun’s light, and the sun could not shine if all it were to bring light to was a dull, barren landscape.

Together, they painted the world in color and light.

In order for James and Regulus to exist, they had to bring the world into eternal darkness.

And that truth was so evident now. It was so obvious. It was so clear. How had Regulus ever thought that someone as infinite as James Potter could love him? How dense did he have to be? What was wrong with him?

He tore his gaze away from the two, surprised to see his own brother staring at him over the edge of the railing at the top of the dorm room. Regulus had had to hold back his disgust watching Remus and Sirius fling each other around before going at it right in front of him. They were soulmates, Regulus couldn’t defeat their reason to exist together with dramatic poetry. The moon and the brightest star. They were a clear fit, Regulus had seen it coming for a while. He couldn’t help feeling the slightest bit of aggravation watching his brother happily show off his boyfriend in front of what felt like thousands of jealous others, while Regulus couldn’t find it in himself to do the same.

See, Sirius is out, and they don’t care. Why do you think that they’ll care about you more than him?

Because Sirius is already a disappointment. He’s broken his safety barrier. He has nothing left to lose, only things to gain. He is happy with rock bottom. He is comfortable with death in order to be reborn.

And Regulus was none of those things.

Suddenly he couldn’t be here anymore. He stormed out of the room, drawing James’s attention as he slammed the portrait door behind him. And the thing was, no one followed him. Regulus didn’t know if he wanted to be followed, but a little bit of reassurance would have been decent.

He didn’t know where he was going, all he knew was that he couldn’t watch James and Lily speak to each other like they were best friends. Regulus knew their friend group was tighter than anyone else’s in the whole school, hell, even Regulus’s friends weren’t that close, at least not in the way the Marauders were. But that didn’t numb the sting of someone that James had been head over heels with for years finally showing reciprocated feelings.

And Regulus loved Lily.

She was intelligent and witty and never failed to put his brother in his place. She was lovely, really. But he couldn’t chase away the jealousy that had been driven into his soul. James was obviously capable of loving more than one person, but the concept was so foreign to Regulus that it was hard to not be suspicious of it. After all, Regulus had barely had room in his frozen heart to love three people (Sirius, Pandora, and James), and only one of them was romantically. The others were reserved for platonic and familial love. That was it for him. But James would mumble little things he loved in his sleep. James would have his head on Reg’s chest and Reg would hear him mumble his friends' names, his parents, a movie that he had just watched and enjoyed, legos, comics, books, a lot of shit about Spider-Man-anything that brought him joy really.

He had heard his own name multiple times.

But, on occasion, he heard Lily’s too.

And that terrified him.

What if one day James woke up and realized that he was too good for Reg? What if Reg fucked up too bad, or did something awful at home, or let Sirius get tortured again? Would James still love him, or would he finally give him up and run straight to Lily? Regulus hadn’t been perfect, and he knew that James didn’t expect him to be, but he couldn’t break the habit of thinking that he had to be perfect for him. After all, he had to be perfect to get love and respect from his parents. He couldn’t tell the difference.

He had wandered into the astronomy tower almost out of habit, as it had been his and James’s favorite spot. This whole building was practically carved with memories of the two of them. Their initials were carved into a piece of stone on the balcony, J+R scrawled in James’s terrible script. If Regulus had handwriting as horrendous as Potter’s, his hands probably would have been broken. To his parents, your hands were only useful if you could do damage with them.

He plopped down in the middle of the room and stared out into the midnight sky. It was one of those strange hours of the day where night and day bled together in a wash of deep blues and blacks, diamonds studding the navy canvas for which Regulus and his brother had their namesake. Who knew what time it was?

He dug the snitch out of his pocket, staring at the intricate engravings on it. Gryffindor had destroyed Ravenclaw in the match last weekend, and afterward at the quidditch after-party James had cornered him in this very room and dropped it in his hand.

“To remember me by,” he said, with a grin.

Regulus had looked up at him. “Well, it’s not like you’re going anywhere. Besides, you’re a chaser, James, why would you give me a snitch?”

James tilted his head and gave him puppy-dog eyes, laying his fingers on the snitch, as though he were going to take it away. “Well, if you don’t like it, I could go steal a quaffle for you-”

Regulus had cut him off with a deep, teeth-clacking kiss that James had sunken into immediately, as though he was expecting it. “Don’t you fucking dare,” Regulus had muttered, and James’s laugh could be felt all down his throat.

The memory warmed him from the inside out. Throughout the week, he had been tracing the outline of the snitch in his pocket gently, just trying to capture that feeling he had only when he was with James, but it was impossible. It could never be repeated. No one else could make him feel the way James did. Maybe one day someone else would. But right now, only he could bring out this warmth in him, especially in frustrating and stuck moments like this.

He took a deep breath and concentrated, hoping it would work this time. After the endless months of trying to figure out how to become an Animagus, it still hadn’t worked for him, which was endlessly infuriating. How could his idiot brother figure it out and not him? Surely it was a matter of focus and concentration. He clutched the snitch tighter in his hand for motivation.

He had figured out that his brother was an Animagus when he discovered that James was. They had been lying in bed, as Regulus had snuck into James’s dorm room in a very risky and bold move one night in mid-September. Sirius and Remus didn’t notice, they were already sleeping together in Sirius’s bed that night. Their curtains were sealed tightly, and a silencing spell was over it, encouraging bile to rise in Regulus's throat. Peter had a detention that night, so Reg had snuck in and James sealed the curtains closed. He and James didn’t do anything, just laid next to each other and spoke quietly about sweet nothings. Regulus wasn't quite bold enough to try anything with his brother the next bed over.

Regulus had been momentarily embarrassed when James peeled off the professional quidditch jersey he had been lounging around in, favoring to sleep in pajama pants and quite literally nothing else. He felt like he had walked in on something private, but when James saw his startled, open-mouthed expression he let out a laugh that was so booming that Regulus was surprised it didn't shatter the silencing spell. He was tracing along the tattoo of antlers just above his hip, running his finger over James’s smooth tawny skin as they stared at the bed's ceiling, imagining constellations in the rich velvet. He had asked James where the tattoo had come from, and he could practically hear James’s thought process on whether or not he should confess. In the time it took James to contemplate, Regulus had worked it out. Silence is the loudest explanation.

Suddenly the stupid nicknames made sense. Prongs, Padfoot, Wormtail. James was a deer, Sirius was a dog, Peter was a rat…but what Remus was was unclear. Moony? He could have been a wolf, he supposed, but there were plenty of other nocturnal animals. He decided not to lose sleep over it.

That was, until he realized how important of a skill it was to have. If you can turn into an animal, hiding just becomes that much easier. All of the times he had been looking to vanish, to become invisible, now he could-and it wouldn’t even require underage magic. Not that that ever really mattered in the Black household, but that just meant it could apply in places other than his childhood home. Specifically, it worked if he ever needed a quick escape from Lucius and his tormenting. How had he not seen it before? He had to add this skill to his collection; it could literally be the difference between life and death.

He had spent the past month going through the ritual to become an Animagus, which was painful and annoying. It hadn’t worked yet, but maybe tonight was the night. 

He closed his eyes and tried once, to no avail. He focused harder, picturing himself as an animal of grace, of skill, and then realized just how strange he looked trying to picture himself as a creature. The rejection and frustration built up until Regulus felt that he was about ready to burst, anger saturating every disjointed piece of him. The books claimed it was only a matter of time. Well, Regulus had given it that. The experts claimed it was a matter of concentration. Regulus had focused on that too. The mentors around the school during their lectures had discussed that all it took was self-confidence. Regulus mustered up as much of that as he was able to.

And yet again and again he found himself faced with refusal after refusal, his form remaining stubbornly human.

Maybe this was something that only Sirius was destined to have. Obviously. How could Regulus have this happen to him too? He didn’t deserve it. This was a skill that only Sirius could possess, Regulus wasn’t good enough for it.

“Hi, Sirius…having a fun night, huh?” Reg said, before feeling cringe and horror roll over him. Was he really doing this tonight? Again? “I…I know I haven’t spoken to you like this in a while, but it’s just…it’s been a long night, you know? I have no clue how you always have energy to keep going. It’s exhausting to keep up with you sometimes, honestly.”

He hadn’t done this in a while. Before he had met James, he would come up to the astronomy tower and speak quietly into the still night to Sirius’s star, studding the sky with its obnoxious brightness as always. James had walked in on him doing it once, but he had never asked any questions. Regulus had a feeling that Sirius did something similar and James didn’t want to disturb his coping mechanism.

“You really seem like you love him. Lupin, that is. I know you don’t need my approval, but I love him too. He’s good for you. Please take care of him. Please don’t mess it up. If you can do this, then maybe I can too. Oh yeah, haven’t even dared to mention this to you yet, but I’m in love with your best friend. Or, I guess, your replacement for me. I’m not mad, I promise. James is a better brother than I’ll ever be. I guess I just…I don’t know. It’s stupid anyway. But he makes me feel like I’m worth something? Like I can be loved. Like I’m not a monster. Maybe that’s stupid. Maybe I have no reason to feel that way. Maybe I need to stop this now before I hurt him. You can laugh if you want, but we both know that you’ll never end up on the wrong side of the war. Not sure about me. If I ever have to choose, if I ever have to join our parents…I don’t know what I'd do. I want to say that I’d make the right decision and fight against them, but I don’t know. I don’t want to die, Sirius-”

“Hello?” A voice cut through his monologue, and hot embarrassment and fear ran through Regulus. He scrambled to his feet, looking for some place to hide, some place to avoid whoever was entering his secret therapy session, when out of nowhere his very own brother popped his head in the room.

Speak of the devil and he shall appear. Damn it.

Please let this work, he thought.

He focused on what he wanted to do, though it hadn’t worked yet, and watched his world shrink down to a pinpoint, his eyes closing.

When he opened them, he was looking through a whole different lens. He looked down at his hands, which weren’t hands anymore. They were paws. The moon was nearly full, casting a shadow from his back in front of him. Sure enough, the silhouette of a cat had taken the place of his human body. He had done it. The Animagus trials had finally worked. Regulus didn’t have time to scurry into a shadow before his brother spotted him, his eyebrows drawing into a line. He had dropped the snitch during the transformation, and he quickly batted it away into the shadows, before Sirius could notice. That was his.

“Who left you in here, little guy?” He said in a baby voice, dropping down into a squat and cooing Regulus in his cat form closer. Reg suppressed a cat gag and drew back further.

Sirius stopped gesturing for him and sighed, plopping down on his butt on the cold stone. “Yeah, I get it. I probably look a little scary right now,”

He wasn’t entirely wrong. Sirius looked like he had been dragged through party hell. His lipstick was smeared, his eyeliner was smudged, and his hair had half come out of the two braids that Lily had done for him earlier. It appeared that the Gryffindor girls had attacked him with a makeover-or maybe Sirius had demanded it of them. Reg had examined Lily's careful work braiding Sirius's raven strands together, and then unfortunately had the displeasure of examining Remus nearly undoing them when he had his fingers laced through the dark locks. It was entirely demoralizing. Besides his appearance himself, there were signs of the party all over him. Confetti and glitter over his clothes, Gryffindor paint on his face, beer on his shoes-and was that a hickey on his neck? Oh Merlin.

Sirius yawned and picked up a stone, staring out at the night sky. He sighed, throwing the rock off the balcony. “How’s it going, Reggie?”

For a moment, Regulus’s little cat heart panicked, thinking that Sirius somehow knew and was tormenting him for talking to the sky aimlessly again. But slowly, it dawned on him that Sirius had almost completely forgotten that Cat Regulus was even in the room. He was also just staring at that same constellation, a tired and defeated look on his face.

“You know, I actually saw you tonight. You did not look like you were having fun, but this has never been your kind of thing anyway. Remember when we were, like, ten, and we were at the Rosiers for Evan’s birthday, and they decided to set off fireworks and you bolted out of there?”

Regulus did remember that. The second the fireworks went off it had felt like his body was shutting down, and he needed to be somewhere away from all of the noise. They were so, so pretty, but so, so terrifying. He ran inside and hid in a dark alcove by the stairs, trying to catch a glimpse of them through the window, but too afraid of the noise to truly appreciate them.

“I found you in, like, a closet or something. You said you weren’t scared, but I could tell. Your eyes always got super narrow when you were scared. Like you were squinting, judging it. It was kind of adorable when you were little, but then it just got scary for me. I hate…” Sirius sighed and cast his gaze down at his shoes instead of Regulus’ star. “I hate that you squint when you look at me now. I don’t know how we got here. I don’t know how we went from me finding you when you ran scared from a party to me hiding from you. I don’t know how to go back to the way it was,” Sirius admitted.

But you did find me hiding, Regulus thought desperately. You’ve always found me.

Regulus padded out from the shadows and laid his head on his brother’s leg, purring gently. He wanted Sirius to know that he was here, that he cared for him.

Sirius choked back a sob and ran his hand roughly across Regulus’ fur. Oh, that’s weird, that’s so weird. Regulus thought pathetically. Never thought I’d be pet by my own brother, but here we are.

“And why can’t James shut up about you? He’s supposed to be my best friend, but he seems all buddy-buddy with you now even though I’ve never seen you two, like, make eye contact. It’s…it’s weird!”

Regulus tensed and squirmed out of Sirius’ grip, knowing that he and James had made a lot more contact than just visual. Oh James, you hopeless idiot. What happened to “I can keep a secret, Reggie, I promise!”? Regulus couldn’t actually bring himself to feel annoyed at him. He loved everything that James said. Every word that came out of his mouth sounded like angel hymns to him.

“Anyway, Remus isn’t doing well right now-” That got Regulus’ attention. “Snape bribed people to slip cursed silver Prefect pins into his pockets and now he’s in the infirmary. He could have died. I hadn’t even noticed.”

In all fairness, your tongue was too far down his throat to realize that he was moaning in pain, Regulus thought, and immediately shook the grotesque thought from his head. He had never liked Snape-he was stuck up and always trying to gain Regulus’ favor-but now he loathed him. Remus was the only person in his brother’s friend group that he felt like got him, because they were so similar. James understood him, but not because he felt similarly to Regulus. James just had empathy running through his veins. Remus and Regulus thought the same way, and they had quickly become close friends due to their similar outlook on the world. He knew that Remus was in the infirmary a lot, but this was way too far.

“I can’t believe I didn’t say anything. He told me earlier he didn’t feel well, and here we are. It’s the fact that I could have stopped so much earlier if I had just let him stay in bed. I’m probably too much for him. I usually am.”

Regulus was internally groaning at Sirius’ depressing internal monologue that was spilling out of his mouth in such a familiar way to Regulus’ own that it was giving him deja vu. Sirius had a hard time realizing that he wasn’t a burden, that Remus really was okay with what they were doing. Regulus unfortunately had the outsider's point of view on that. There was no doubt that whatever was going on in the common room was a two-person exchange. However, Sirius isn’t used to that kind of affection that goes both ways. It's either he gives it his all or he gives it nothing. However, for the first eleven years of his life, when he gave everything, he got nothing back. Regulus watched him run himself to the ground, desperate for someone to give him back all that he gave, only to be let down. It’s like it’s all he knows how to do. Regulus hasn’t seen him not give anything a hundred percent, like, ever. It’s heartbreaking to watch someone you care about get their heart broken over and over. And yet, Sirius keeps unlocking his feelings every day, though they lock on instinct.

That's why Regulus does the opposite. He doesn’t give anything. He sits, he observes, and he locks out those feelings. Except for James, who doesn’t have the key, because there’s only one of those and the person who holds it is stroking Regulus’s forehead while speaking to him indirectly right now. Sirius has always had the key. He just doesn’t know he needs to use it, and Regulus doesn’t know how to tell him.

James, however, is opening the door to his feelings. He’s not even picking the lock-he’s fucking kicking the door in. When Sirius opens the door-much like he is right now, and every other time they speak through their constellations-, he makes sure to lock it when he leaves, just to be courteous to Regulus and to keep his feelings from flooding out. James doesn’t know it, but every time he looks in Regulus’ direction that foot beats that door in, the dent widening every time he gets a smile out of him. It’s the little things that are cracking him. And James doesn’t even know.

“I feel like I’m hurting him. I don’t want to hurt him even more than he’s already being hurt, Reggie. He’s already so, so hurt.” Sirius stretched and leaned back on the floor, causing Regulus to dart out from under his arm. He sucked in a deep breath, and Regulus tensed, ready for him to say whatever it is he needed to say next. However, the release never came. Sirius had passed out cold on the floor of the astronomy tower, mumbling quietly to himself, “Love ya, Reggie. Love you so much. G’night…”

Regulus let out a hardly contained cat scoff, before crawling away from Sirius once he was sure that he’s completely passed out. He focused and tensed his muscles up, feeling that warm release as his aspect ratio expanded and widened. He ran his hands through his hair and adjusted his dark sweater, wishing he was wearing James’s instead. Dorcas had had the idea to trim the hem so it was lifted to just above his belly button, showing the slightest sliver of bare skin. Regulus had hated the idea at first, but the minute James saw him in the common room, he knew that Dorcas was right. James had been stealing entirely too-conspicuous hungry glances the rest of the night, even as he spoke back and forth with Lily. Dorcas had also used muggle makeup to draw the tiniest, sharp as knives lines jutting out from his top lashes. Dorcas said that they made his eyes look sharp and entrancing. Reg didn’t know if he agreed, but he definitely didn’t hate it.

He nudged Sirius’s passed out body with the toe of his boot, rolling his eyes. Yup, unconscious. He whipped around and marched out of the room, stopping at the door with a reluctant sigh. He knew he could just leave him there. He’d be found soon enough. But somehow...Sirius just looked so pathetic laying there, sprawled out drunk on the floor of the astronomy tower.

“I can’t believe I’m doing this…” Regulus muttered unhappily, before taking ten steps outside of the astronomy tower only to march back in three seconds later as though he’d just stumbled upon it.

“Is anyone-oh. Sirius? Sirius!” He yelled, waking Sirius up.

“Reggie?” Sirius mumbled, a teary smile spreading across his face. “Reggie? You-how did you get here?”

“I walked,” Regulus said, quirking his eyebrows up. He seized Sirius by the arm and dragged him out of the room.

“Why are you so meannnnn?” Sirius groaned. Regulus pushed down the unbelievable fondness for him. “You’ve always been mean. I remember when you were little-”

“Don’t talk about me when you’re drunk.”

“‘M not!”

“Uh huh. Whatever you say.”

Sirius ripped his arm away from Regulus. They were only a short distance from the common room, now was not the time for Sirius to start being stubborn.

“Hey! I’m fine! Leave me alone!” Sirius yelled, making Regulus flinch. His face fell at the violent reaction, his anger dissipating in that simple motion. “No-I-please don’t be scared Reggie. Your eyes get squinty when you’re scared, don’t squint-not when you look at me. I-”

Regulus pushed him toward the common room and pinched his nose bridge. “Goodnight, Sirius.”

There was a pause, Sirius evidently pulling himself together. Sirius had looked him up and down, swallowing. “Yeah. Goodnight, Reggie.”

Regulus turned to leave, but Sirius grabbed his bicep. “We…we’re still meeting up, right? We’re still gonna fix this? You weren’t just…bluffing, I guess?”

Regulus stared at him blankly, keeping him on edge for a second just to be mean. “Tuesday. Divination. Meet me in Hogsmeade. Don’t be late. I won’t wait for you this time.”

The corners of Sirius’ mouth quirked up. “You’ll always wait for me, Reg.”

Regulus hated that he was right. He would do anything for Sirius. If he had to wait a thousand years for him, he would. Oh, how he would.

Regulus nodded and suppressed the tears until he was safe in his own bed, curtains drawn tight, the snitch that James had gifted Regulus after the game curled up in his palm, still warm from the sun’s touch. Regulus just wished it had also been warm from the star’s.