Winter break pt. 2
Sunday, December 29th, 1991
“I'm just saying!” Gracie called after a retreating Alex.
Alex was...was....was.....Unsure about how she felt. Was she annoyed? Upset? Bothered? All of the above.
Gracie had been trying to convince Alex for the past hour or so that she should see a doctor, or therapist, or psychologist, or something. Which Alex was most definitely not doing. She wasn't sick and she already had a therapist. Gracie said that was different because her therapist was for gender stuff, but Alex honestly didn't care. Why did Gracie think she needed mental help?
She wasn't anxious or depressed. She didn't have any trauma, well none that she could remember anyway. She didn't have an eating disorder, she didn't self harm, she wasn't manipulative. She didn't regularly have nightmares, she didn't have any phobias, she didn't have problems with emotions. Well, most of the time at least. So, why did Gracie think she needed mental help?
Gracie said that she was anxious a lot, Alex said that she was just cautious. Gracie said that Alex did have a lot of trouble with identifying emotions and telling similar ones apart, Alex snappishly asked how she could possibly know that when they didn't talk about emotions much and since Gracie wasn't inside her head. Gracie said that that remark was a good example of her poor emotional control, Alex didn't respond.
It went on and on. According to Gracie: Alex was too schedule based, she was really sensitive to different textures and tastes, she didn't like people deviating from what she considered to be good rules, etc. Then came talks about their childhood.
How Alex hadn't liked playing that much at all. How she only wanted to play the same games the same way all of the time. How she didn't really care about making friends that much until Hogwarts, and even then it was mostly to stop discrimination which just happened to bloom into friendships. How she never seemed sure if she was socializing correctly, or if she was supposed to join into a conversation or not. How she always seemed so much more mature than everyone else from a young age, which was actually just a lack of knowledge about social interactions.
Gracie had apparently been thinking about this for a while, but especially since the beginning of winter break. She thought that Alex might actually have some disorder or disability or condition or something. Which is why Gracie wanted Alex to see a professional; because they would be able to help figure out whatever said condition was, if Alex even had one.
Alex thought that Gracie was just being dramatic. There was nothing wrong with her! Gracie was just looking too hard at unimportant and unconnected things. Right? Alex wasn't so sure.
Alex rolled over on her bed. She had come to her room from the living room after her interaction with Gracie. She had left to end the conversation, but it just kept playing through her head.
What if Gracie told mom and/or dad about this and they forced her to actually see a professional? What if Gracie told people at school and they lost respect for her? What if Gracie told the teachers and they decided that she wasn't ready to be a student at Hogwarts and kicked her out?
If any of those things happened, her life would be over....It wasn't fair! Alex was normal. She was. Then why did Gracie have all of those anecdotes proving otherwise?
Alex pushed her head into her pillow face first and tried to resit the urge to scream. It felt like that interaction with Gracie had set her brain on fire and no matter what she did the fire wouldn't go out.
Alex wondered if the only way to extinguish the fire would be to just bite the bullet and see a psychologist. It was the only was to prove that Gracie was wrong....But, what if Gracie wasn't wrong?
She could get kicked out of school. Lose her friends. Would her parents be mad?
Alex rolled onto her back and took a deep breath....It wasn't very effective....Her head felt on fire and panicky and like it was either full to the brim or really really small. Her shoulders felt tense under her green tee-shirt. Her heart felt like it wasn't beating, like it was stuck in a hard shell of amber. She was trying not to panic, but it was hard when she was also trying not to pass out; at least it felt like she was going to pass out.
Alex took another deep breath. She didn't know how long it had been, but the symptoms were finally starting to decrease. They still wouldn't go away, however.
What was that?
A panic attack? No, she didn't have panic attacks. But, it sounded like a panic attack, and honestly, what else could it have been? But, she didn't have panic attacks. Does that matter? Yes!
Alex shook her head to end the argument with herself and clear her thoughts.
Was it a panic attack?
Maybe, it doesn't matter. She needs to stop thinking about this before she gets distressed again.
But, was it a panic attack?
Alex took a deep breath. She was starting to feel tense and anxious and out of control again. It didn't matter if it was a panic attack or not, it was over now.
But, was it a panic attack?
“Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!” Alex began verbally yelling at herself. She pushed her hands hard against her ears to try and make the ache behind them go away. It worked a bit, but when she moved her hands away again it just made the aching worse, so her hands were quickly brought back to her ears. Alex shifted to be sitting on her knees with her head lowered. She kept her hands against her ears and her eyes shut tightly; she was just trying to get through the storm that was her emotions intact.
This position was better, but she really just wanted it all to end.
Eventually, Alex realized that she had been screaming. Not any words, just wailing. Her magic felt wonky, but she didn't care. It's not like she could do anything about it anyway. She couldn't move from her knees, she couldn't open her eyes, she couldn't move her hands off her ears, she couldn't stop screaming, she couldn't do anything. She was completely helpless to her body and mind's whims.
Eventually it ended and Alex moved her hands and opened her eyes. With her eyes opened she realized why her magic had felt so weird. Alex had created a magical bubble around her self which appeared to be sound proof explaining why no one had come to her screams.
Alex forced the bubble away and collapsed onto her stomach. She was exhausted. Whether that was from the magic, the probably-panic-attack, or whatever had just happened she didn't know.
It was 2:00 o'clock meaning that she could probably take a quick nap if she wanted, but....
But....But, what? Alex had no idea. It's not like she could really do anything else. She was way too mentally, physically, and magically drained. So, a nap it was.
Alex woke up about an hour later feeling a thousand times better. She had no idea what had been wrong or what had happened, but she barely cared. She was just glad it was over.
Maybe Gracie was right and she should see someone. She had a panic attack, then whatever that other reaction had been. That was a big deal.
But, it was so embarrassing, especially if it turned out that she really didn't have a problem. Then she would have wasted everyone's time and gotten herself worked up about nothing. Not that she wanted Gracie to be right.
She found herself again considering the consequences of being diagnosed with something. She had everything to lose, and nothing definite to gain. But, what if it didn't go bad?
Alex's stomach growled making her aware of her hunger. That was logical considering how taxing the past few hours had been. So, Alex decided to try and forget everything that had happened and get a snack.
Her mental state was her future's self's problem anyway, no point in worrying about it now.