The Fall

He’s slumped over the dorm toilet, trembling all over, and all he can think is pathetic.

His hands shake with the rest of him as he brushes back his stray hairs; his breath comes out in ragged huffs and his lungs burn from being unable to take proper breaths, but still, he doesn’t take off the bandages restricting his chest.

It’s the second time this week he’s found himself hunched over a toilet bowl, and it’s not even from over exertion during Quidditch. Just pure fucking emotions getting too much too fast– just everything getting too much too fast. He can’t shake this awful feeling of just… wrong riddling his bones, and he’s exhausted.

He’s spiralling, if it weren’t obvious.

Time eludes him; he could have been up here for three minutes or thirty, but he’s too busy trying to keep in the remainder of his stomach contents to notice or care. His mind swirls violently against his skull; overstuffed with thoughts that bring a light, flighty feeling to his chest.

Hands are suddenly feeling around his back; they’re sturdy and familiar, and with them comes the overwhelming smell of Sleekeazy’s Hair Potion– James.

“Sirius– are you alright?” James questions in a rush.

He rubs his hands down Sirius’ back in an attempt to soothe him, but Sirius, too worried about James feeling the bandages under his shirt, shoulders him off.

“You should really consider using less of that hair potion,” Sirius mutters; his voice is still raw with acid. “I can smell it even with my head in the toilet.” He sits up and flushes.

James huffs a laugh, incredulous. “Dickhead.” He jabs halfheartedly. He pauses while Sirius adjusts himself so he can face James; slumped with his back against the toilet bowl. “Really, though, are you okay?” He asks, offering a mint that Sirius accepts.

Sirius sighs, running clammy fingers through his hairline. “Yeah. I think I just had something bad during breakfast.” He lies, which, he realizes, has become easier and easier to do. He hates it.

That flighty feeling bubbles in his chest again.

“Good,” James nods. He stalls a moment, before saying, “we need to talk.”

Panic. That’s what the feeling in his chest is. Sirius has to swallow back more of his breakfast.

It’s the worst sentence in the world, especially if you’re a man with as many secrets as him.

Swallowing down his heart, he forces himself to his feet; avoiding James’ eyes as he exits the washroom. “That’s not concerning, or anything.” He quips, trying to keep an air of familiarity between them.

James’ lips quirk into a slight smirk, which is relieving, but not entirely. Not enough to stop the sickening dread from creeping up his throat.

“What’s concerning is how you’ve been acting recently.” James replies. His tone is light, but Sirius knows him well enough to hear the underlying concern.

He steps in front of Sirius, preventing him from going further into the dorm, and Sirius has to look away. He hates worrying James; hates the concern in his eyes. Most of all, he hates lying to him. They tell each other everything– atleast, they used to. But now, Sirius’ secrets have gone from one big secret to a fractured mess of them that even he can’t keep track of. It’s to the point he fears an accidental confession if he so much as breathes. Lying to James– to his friends– has become second nature at this point.

He hates it, and yet he stays quiet, because it’s all too much. He doesn’t want to burden James more than he already has.

“Sirius,” James’ voice brings Sirius’ foggy gaze back to his. “Tell me what’s been going on?”

Sirius shakes his head and takes a wobbly step back; still lightheaded from the strain of vomiting and dizzy with panic. “What do you mean?” He asks, feigning ignorance. “Nothing’s been going on.”

“I’m not stupid, you know.” When Sirius looks at him skeptically, James rolls his eyes. “Not entirely. Not enough to overlook my best friend struggling. What’s going on?”

Sirius bites his cheek, trying desperately to keep in the words burning his tongue. What’s worse, he isn’t even sure which secret threatens to tumble past his lips. Is it him being transgender? Is it him liking boys? Him liking Remus? Him not actually sleeping with any of the girls who’ve claimed him? The list goes on; twisting into one big complicated web. He fears if he lets one string loose, the rest will quickly follow it.

“I– it’s nothing, James, really,” Sirius tries, but his voice wobbles, and everything is getting harder to keep tucked away, and he can’t look James in the eye, and–

“Sirius,” James' hand folds over Sirius’ shoulder. “You can trust me, yeah? We’re brothers, mate. I won’t be mad, or upset, or anything. Whatever you have to say, I’m here.” He bows his head to catch Sirius’ eyes, and nearly immediately, words spill past Sirius’ lips.

“I like Remus in a way I shouldn’t and I’m scared.” It comes out in one rushed breath; Sirius’ stomach curdles with regret as soon as the confession slips. He slaps his hands over his lips as if he can shove the words back in.

James’ eyes soften into something understanding– something safe. “I know,” he says, soft. “It’s okay, Sirius.”

Sirius feels sick.

“You know?” He asks. His throat dries. Am I really that obvious?

“I’ve known for years,” James says with pinched brows.

Sirius blinks. “Years?” He echoes. He only discovered this, what, a week ago? Two?

James nods. Carefully, he asks, “Is that why you’ve been getting with all those girls? To distract yourself? Or… convince yourself you’re not?”

Sirius, not trusting his own tongue, nods. He’s still caught on the whole ‘years’ thing. He wasn’t even aware he could develop feelings for someone, let alone it being Remus, and James knew this whole time?

“How did you… know?” Sirius asks hesitantly. “I just… I thought I couldn’t like people in that way. I only realized recently that…”

James blinks. “Oh.” He says. “I thought you didn’t either, for a while. But in third year, I noticed something changed. You looked at him differently, and your terrible fake flirting turned to something more honest. You also kept trying to get his attention with everything, it was kind of annoying.” His lips quirk into a smile.

“Third year?” Sirius murmurs in disbelief.

James nods. “You only realized recently? Really?” He asks, disbelieving.

Sirius nods, numb. “Is it really that obvious?” He asks. “My affection for him?”

James pauses, like he doesn’t want to answer. “I mean… yeah.” Sirius’ stomach twists unkindly. “Why don’t you tell him?”

Sirius darts his eyes back to James, then scoffs. “No.” He backs away from James’ hands.

James frowns. “Why not?”

“Because. I’m not. And– if you’re right about me being obvious about it, then Remus would know by now too.” The truth churns Sirius’ stomach, but he knows it’s for the best. It’s not like he could be with Remus regardless. “He doesn’t feel the same.”

James softens, “Sirius–”

“No, James, just–” Sirius shakes his head, forcing the fog away– “It’s fine. I’m okay with things like they are. And– Remus even told me he’s looking for a girl.”

James furrows his brows. He shakes his head; confused. “He did?” He asks, crinkling his nose like he doesn’t believe Sirius.

“Yes.” Sirius confirms. “I’ve been trying to set him up, but he’s so picky.”

He’s been trying to set Remus up for the past two days, and Remus has rejected every single girl sent his way. It’s more than frustrating, but Sirius is stubborn and persistent. Furthermore, he hoped that if Remus finally got with someone, it would end what Sirius thought was a small crush. He believes that less, now that James has shed some light on the fact he’s actually been into Remus for years.

The thought sends him cold all over.

James still looks entirely lost. “Are you sure he’s being picky and it’s not a misunderstanding?” He asks, a little hesitantly. “You’ve been known to miss certain things during conversation, mate. You and Remus both. You two should not be conversing alone, really.”

Sirius rolls his eyes. “I’m positive.” He says, a little bitter. “This isn’t a misunderstanding.”

This is such a big misunderstanding.

Remus has been asked out by at least four different girls now in the past two days alone, and he’s certain at this point this is entirely Sirius’ doing. When Sirius said he’d prove to Remus he could ‘get any girl here,’ he wasn’t expecting this. He’s not entirely sure what he was expecting, honestly. But it wasn’t this.

He’s mostly surprised girls are asking him out at all, honestly. He thought he was entirely off putting; that his scars drove people away, or that he was too lanky and awkward to really attract anyone. He’d be flattered, really, if he weren’t incredibly gay.

He doesn’t even know how to let the girls down– he’s never needed to know until now. Ironic how he only needs to figure out how to reject people now that the man he’s been pining over for years has officially stuck his nose into Remus’ love life. It would be funny, if it was literally anyone else.

It doesn’t help that the full moon is only three days away, and accompanied with its regular stress is the added stress of the other Marauders following him as Animagi for the first time. At this point, it feels as if his anxiety has burned itself into his bones. (Better yet, it’s a double moon this month. Great.)

Point is, he’s already exhausted and cranky due to the all nighters he’s been pulling as of late, but having girls dumped on him is only making him worse. It’s not even the girls themselves– it’s the fact they’re being sent by Sirius, and he’s just about at his limit.

Which brings him here; at the pond ranting to Lily.

“It’s like he took everything that could possibly be interpreted wrong, and interpreted it wrong.” He’s pacing as he rants, too anxious and worked up to sit down. (Another side effect of the full moon is how hyper he gets because of it; simultaneously making his insomnia and anxiety worse.)(He’s certain he’s scorched footprints into the grass at this point.)

“So… why don’t you just tell him?” Lily asks from her spot on the ground.

Remus looks at her like she has five heads. “You’re telling me to tell Sirius Black I’ve had a crush on him since year one?” He questions, incredulous.

Lily scrunches her nose. “Yes.” She answers easily. “Also, James and I made bets that one of you would ask the other out first, and I put money on you.”

“You– what?” Remus stops dead, staring at her in wide-eyed disbelief. He’d be angry if not for the fact he’s caught entirely off guard. Why on earth would Sirius ever ask him out?

Lily drops her head back with a groan. “You two are impossible.” She says. “How much longer are you going to run around each other?”

“No one’s doing any running around anyone,” Remus defends, shaking his head. “Sirius doesn’t see me like that. He can’t.” And why would he? Sirius can get anyone in Hogwarts– boy or girl. Why would he settle for Remus?

Remus, with his scars and lankiness and too-long arms; with his pale lashes and chapped lips and awkward poster. Why would Sirius, with his charming grin and flawless skin and frosty eyes ever settle for someone like him? It feels wrong.

Lily frowns. “Why can’t he?”

“You know why.” Remus replies bitterly. He looks away from her, glaring into the inky pond. He hears Lily shift.

She moves to stand next to him, pinning worried eyes to the side of his face. He doesn’t face her.

“I’m not going to confess to him, only to have him reject me for someone better. I won’t ruin our friendship over these stupid feelings that won’t go away.” He scowls.

“Stop being so hard on yourself,” Lily scolds gently. “Wasn’t he the one who told you you deserve someone good?”

Remus scoffs. “He wouldn’t say that if he knew who I was referring to.”

“How do you know, Remus, if you don’t tell him?” Lily keeps prying. Remus finally looks at her with a frown; her round cheeks are red from the cold. “Keeping it in is just hurting yourself.”

“I’ve kept it in this long, haven’t I?” Remus defends, but it’s weak. He honestly doesn’t know how much longer he can hold this secret– he’s never been good at keeping his own. Especially not when they hurt this much.

“Yeah. Do you really think this will ever leave, if it’s already stuck around for so long?” Lily argues. “Don’t you at least want to know what his answer would be?”

Remus’ frown deepens. He knows, logically, she has a point. But that doesn’t make him want to confess any more. The thought alone sends moths to his stomach.

“You’re just saying this to win yours and James’ bet.” Remus mutters halfheartedly.

Lily rolls her eyes. “I’ll call off the bet if that’s what you’re worried about. I’m being honest, Remus.”

Remus hums, disbelieving. “Right.” He drawls. “Since when do you and James hang out enough to even make this bet, anyway?” He asks, changing the subject.

Lily’s cheeks turn crimson. “We don’t! We just have mutual friends!” Her voice raises, Remus smirks. “Don’t try to change the subject, Mr. Werewolf, we’re here to discuss your love life, not mine.”

Remus’ brows jump, “So you admit what you and James have is a love life?”

Her cheeks run darker. She spins on her heels and picks up her bag, throwing it over her shoulder. “The bet is still on, Lupin!” Lily calls over her shoulder as she marches away. “You better win me some money!”

“Not until you admit your undying love for James!” Remus calls back. Lily flips him off without turning around, making him laugh.

As she leaves towards the castle, Remus spots Sirius, James, and Peter heading out and towards him. He waves them over before sitting against the old oak tree with their names carved into its bark.

It’s not much longer before Sirius collapses next to him with a huff; shoulder to shoulder as Peter and James squish on either side of them.

“That was a dramatic huff,” Remus says in amusement, ignoring the tingles buzzing up the arm Sirius is pressed against. “What’s that about?”

“We just discovered we have a Quidditch game the day after the full moon.” James knocks his head against the tree.

“Meaning we’re going to be sluggish as hell.” Sirius groans.

“They’re also playing against the Slytherin’s,” Peter adds.

Remus hums. “You could also simply not come with me as Animagi.” He tries, already knowing what their unanimous response will be.

“In your dreams, Wolf Boy.” Sirius’ response is immediate and certain. Remus rolls his eyes.

“You’re all going to get hurt.” Remus says for likely the billionth time since they’ve announced the Animagus trials. “If not during the full moon, definitely during the Quidditch game.”

“Remus, what have we discussed about having more faith in your friends and their shenanigans?” Sirius asks, shifting so he’s facing the tree instead of the pond. He eyes their messily carved names, then pulls out his pocket knife and begins carving something else.

Peter leans across Remus with wide eyes. “What’re you doing, Pads?”

“Carving our names again.” Sirius responds.

Remus watches him carve out Messrs. Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot, & Prongs, all evenly spaced, above their less even real names.

“That’s one way to expose us as the Marauders Map creators,” Remus muses.

“Please,” Sirius scoffs, “everyone already knows the weird nicknames we have for each other. This just solidifies our place here. Proof of our existence.” He leans back and places his hands on his hips, staring at his work with pride.

“Proof, hm?” James hums. “I think there’s proof of our existence scorched into a good few walls already.”

Sirius snorts. “Fair.” He says. “But this is undeniable.”

“How hard would it be to carve our names on the outside of the whomping willow?” Peter asks distantly, like he’s imagining the scene now.

Remus darts wide eyes to him, “Why would you say that out loud?” He questions, mortified, and oh– look, Sirius and James are already jumping to their feet. “Guys– no! You’ll get killed!” Remus scrambles after them with Peter close behind.