The Fall

Things are finally beginning to go back to normal with Remus– well, at least, as normal as it can get, with Sirius and his inescapable feelings. Sirius’ heart still jumps anytime Remus so much as touches him, and the butterflies that flood his lungs are making it hard to breathe. It’s especially difficult now that James has shed light on the fact Sirius was too oblivious to notice these feelings earlier– that he’s unknowingly felt this way for Remus for years.

And if that’s the case, will these feelings ever end?

“If I weren’t so tired right now,” Remus mumbles, slumping next to Sirius, “I’d kill you.”

Sirius quirks an amused brow, “What’d I do this time?” He asks, pointedly ignoring the fluttery feeling in his chest when Remus’ knee brushes against his own.

Remus glares at him. “I’ve been asked out at least a dozen times now.” He glowers.

A trickle of jealousy floods Sirius’ chest, which is ridiculous, considering he’s the cause of this entire mess. But, well, what can he say? If he’s anything, it’s self destructive. What better way to self-destruct than to watch the man you’re head over heels with get asked out by (and likely date) someone else?

“It’s the most I’ve ever been asked out in my life.” Remus continues, taking a drowsy bite out of a scone. “So fuck you.”

Sirius blinks. “You still haven’t said yes to any of them?” He baffles.

Remus glares at him like it should be obvious.

“Stone cold, Moony.” Sirius mutters, taking a bite of his dinner to hide his relieved smile.

It's the first time in a while Sirius has managed to eat without being swarmed, and while it was his own doing, he’s relieved for the peace. 

He supposes he ended up focusing too hard on finding Remus a girl that he ended up losing the ones he had, and he can’t say he’s too worried about it, either. By now there’s enough rumours going around about him that his (fake) sexuality has likely been engraved into the school’s walls.

He’d be lying if he said he didn’t miss the constant attention, however. But, he’s also come to the realization that the only attention he really cares for is a certain werewolf’s. (How terrifyingly sweet.) (Mostly terrifying.)

It’s hardly a minute later when Peter nudges Sirius’ side.

“What?” Sirius asks, following Peter’s gaze across the table.

James must have just come in, but he doesn’t sit across from them like usual. Instead, he stays standing with a glare directed to Sirius.

Sirius crinkles his brows. “What’s with the pout, Prongs?” He asks, confused.

James crosses his arms. He chews his cheeks, as if trying to force the words out. “You can’t keep sleeping around with girls you hardly know,” He blurts.

Sirius’ fork halts halfway to his mouth, caught entirely off guard by James’ sudden barrage. He lifts his eyes off his plate to meet James’ challenging stare, and feels his lips quirk in a subtle threat.

That’s certainly one way to sour his good mood.

Dropping his fork, Sirius clasps his hands under his chin and tilts his head to the side. “And why ever not?” He asks, light enough for untrained ears to miss the edge– but James knows him well enough to detect it.

Are they really doing this here? In the dining hall? He couldn’t have pulled him aside in private, without the prying ears of Remus and Peter? He can feel their stares prickle his skin– it takes everything to keep himself sitting.

James clenches his jaw, and Sirius wonders where this sudden concern came from, especially after the conversation they had only yesterday. He’s also confused as to why James looks so angry about it all– and it’s strange, being on the receiving end of James’ anger. He’s not too sure he enjoys it, and he’s certain James feels the same about being on the receiving end of Sirius’ anger, which is quick to flare in his chest and burn up his throat.

Still, if James is anything, it’s persistent. “It’s not healthy, for one,” he replies hotly. “Especially not when you’re only doing it because–”

“James.” Sirius cuts him off with a smile sharp as knives, all too aware of Remus’ tense presence at his side. He runs his tongue over his teeth. “I’m allowed to fuck whoever I want, and I certainly do not need your permission to do so.”

James glares at him. Sirius quirks his brow in silent challenge.

“You and I both know why you’re doing this.” James snaps.

Sirius’ temper spikes. “And you and I both know you’d be doing the same if you and Lily weren’t practically together.” He snaps right back. James blinks, taken aback.

Sirius stands abruptly to his feet, too angry to deal with this conversation any longer– especially not with Remus listening to every word he says. He’s too frightened he may spill something he doesn’t mean. And, not wanting to have James’ blood on his hands in that event, he storms out of the dining hall.

He’s not entirely sure where he’s going, just that he desperately needs to cool this heat burning up his blood. Where did this all come from, anyway? Why is James suddenly so against Sirius sleeping around– it’s not like he’s actually doing anything more than kissing, anyway. (Not that James knows that.)

A familiar hand curls around Sirius’ upper arm, stopping him halfway down the corridor. Sirius continues glaring at the ground– he’s hot all over and hates it. He despises the rage bubbling under his skin. He despises that it’s directed to James. He doesn’t want Remus– or anyone, really– to see him angry like this.

“He’s just worried, you know.” Remus reminds gently.

“He could have been worried in private.” Sirius scoffs. “I don’t even see the fucking issue– I don’t understand why he’s suddenly so fucking against it. It doesn’t make sense. We just talked about it.” He rants hotly– what could have changed in a day?

Remus hesitates. “What did he mean? When he said you and I both know why you’re doing this?”

Sirius falters. He risks a glance up at Remus, only for blood to rush right up to the tips of his ears. “Nothing.” He looks away, suddenly very aware of Remus’ hand still circled around his arm and the tingly feeling that follows. He groans. “He really couldn’t have brought it up in private?”

“Guess not,” Remus replies unhelpfully.

“Why was he so angry about it?” Sirius questions, more to himself than anything. “What changed?” He mutters, furrowing his brows at the ground.

Remus pauses. Carefully, he asks, “Are Lily and James really a thing?”

“They seem to be,” Sirius replies, lifting a questioning look to Remus. “As much as I hate to admit it, they seemed pretty snuggly last time I saw them together. Why?”

Something dawns on Remus; his eyes widen, a glorious blush floods his cheeks. “She didn’t,” he murmurs to himself.

“Didn’t what?” Sirius asks.

Remus doesn’t get a chance to reply when Sirius spots a girl exit the dining hall, glancing down the corridor in search. He’s unsure if she’s looking for him or Remus, but either way he’s too angry to deal with it at the moment, so he promptly grabs Remus by his tie and yanks him into the nearest broom closet– which is… a lot smaller than he expected.

His chest is flush against Remus’– his heart pounds so fast he’s sure Remus can feel it ripple in his own chest. He’s never been so glad he decided to wear his bandages today.

Sirius blinks up at Remus, throat suddenly dry.

Remus looks down at him, a little amused. “Sirius Black avoiding girls now. Unheard of.”

“Oh, sod off.” Sirius snips, cheeks warming.

“I’d love to, but you’ve crammed us into the world's tiniest broom closet.” Remus snarks flatly. “So, are we avoiding that girl in particular, or is it all girls?”

“Shut up.” Sirius snaps, too flustered to put any real bite into it. All he’s aware of is Remus Remus Remus. “What’s your excuse, WolfBoy?”

Remus tilts his head. “What do you mean?”

“Rejecting every girl who’s asked you,” Sirius points out. “Even I can tell they’re all attractive, and kind, and smart, and–”

“What do you mean?” Remus cuts in. “Even you can tell?”

Sirius binks. Did he say that? He opens his mouth for an excuse, but his mind is too muddled with Remus, and the smell of chocolate and pine and books and–

“Sirius,” Remus whispers. Sirius snaps wide eyes to Remus; he certainly doesn’t miss the flush on Remus’ cheeks, matching his own. “When I said I was jealous, I didn’t mean I was jealous of you.”

He’s so close, Sirius can feel his breath ghosting his lips. His brain is too sluggish with honey syrup to connect Remus’ words to reason.

“I was jealous of the girls.” Remus continues softly. Is he leaning in?

The pieces click together, and Sirius’ heart goes impossibly faster. Remus’ hand cups his jaw, flicking his gaze from Sirius’ lips to his eyes in silent question. When Sirius leans in, Remus catches his lips with his own– his world tilts.

This is certainly different to any girl he’s made out with– he goes light headed and fuzzy all over, like static. He’s certain, then, that Remus could never be boring. He could kiss Remus until his lips are bruised and numb and still not want it to end– he can’t even think. His mind blanks entirely; flooded with nothing but Remus and the way he moves his jaw up and down.

Remus backs him into the wall, and the cold of the cobble clears his muddled brain enough for him to realize just what he’s doing. He’s kissing Remus– he’s kissing a boy. His heart leaps to his throat; the butterflies in his stomach turn into angry moths.

He breaks the kiss; too scared to look Remus in the eye and suddenly very, very aware of the bandages circling his chest.

“Sirius?” Remus asks.

Sirius bolts from the broom closet.

“Sirius, you’re going to burn holes in our carpet if you keep pacing.”

Sirius snaps his head up at James’ voice, halting in place.

James stands in the doorway to their dorm, brows pinched in concern. Sirius gets deja vu.

“Are you still mad?” James asks when Sirius doesn’t say anything.

Sirius furrows his brows. “Mad?” He repeats quietly.

“For dinner?” James reminds.

Sirius blinks. “Oh.” He mutters. He doesn’t have the energy to be angry at James– not with this new panic bubbling in his chest.

“Oh?” James repeats with a frown. “What happened?”

Sirius swallows. His hands are shaking– he’s shaking. All over. His mind storms with nothing but you’re a girl, you were never a boy, you’re faking it, you’re faking it, you’re faking it– he can’t stand it.

“Sirius,” James is suddenly in front of him, more concerned now. “What’s going on?”

“I–” Sirius folds his arms over his stomach. “Remus kissed me.” He whispers.

James brightens. “Really?” He asks. “Congrats, mate!”

Sirius shakes his head, backing away. “No.”

James’ smile drops. “Wait– what? Why?”

“I– I can’t like boys, James.” Sirius stresses, resuming his pacing.

“Boys can like boys, Sirius,” James says pointedly.

“I know,” Sirius snaps, raking his hand through his hair and tugging at his roots. “But I can’t.”

“Why?” James questions.

“Because!” Sirius strains frantically. “It’s different for me– I just– I can’t–” Panic seizes his lungs.

His mind floods with cruel words he’s heard from his own parents’; telling him he’s a girl and repeating the same name he’s tried so hard to rid himself of– mocking him. He sinks to the ground and covers his ears in a futile attempt to block out the harsh voices.

James places his hand on his shoulder– he’s speaking, but it’s all muffled under the mantra of his deadname. Sirius leans into his touch, allowing it to ground him as he knocks his forehead into James’ shoulder; trying desperately to shake the cruelty out of his own skull.

“Sirius,” James’ voice finally breaks through, but it’s far away; floating somewhere above his head. “Liking boys doesn’t make you any less of a boy yourself, you know. It’s normal. Boys like boys all the time.” He says softly, cupping the back of Sirius’ head with his other hand.

Sirius stays silent, letting James’ words replace the violent ones swirling his mind.

“I know that people can be cruel, but I promise you, it’s okay.” James continues gently. “Also, honestly, who wouldn’t have a crush on Moony? I’m jealous of you. I can’t believe you got to kiss him.”

A surprised, shaky laugh tumbles from Sirius’ lips. “I am pretty lucky,” His voice wobbles.

“Incredibly.” James agrees. Sirius can hear his smile. More hesitantly, he asks, “...how was it?”

Sirius smiles into James’ shoulder; his heart flutters. “Much better than any of the girls I’ve kissed.” He admits quietly. He frowns– his parents’ voices are still so persistent, so viscous. “I don’t know what to do.” He admits quietly. Weak.

“What do you want?” James asks.

Sirius frowns.

“No, stop that.” James pushes him back, holding Sirius by the shoulders. “Don’t think about it. Don’t let your dumb traumatized brain tell you something different. What do you want, Sirius.”

“Remus.” Sirius blurts. His cheeks flare with heat immediately.

James grins proudly. “Good.” He says. “He wants you, too.”

Sirius blinks. “What.”

“Lily told me a secret.” James taps his nose. “Trust me.”

Sirius jolts to his feet, “Fuck– I just– I left–” the pressure rushes to his head and sends him back to the floor.

“What?” James asks, steadying Sirius by holding his upper arms.

“I just left him,” Sirius rushes, still dizzy, “in the broom closet.”

“Dick move on your end,” James says unhelpfully.

“Thanks.” Sirius snaps. “I just– what if he doesn’t actually–”

“Shut up.” James cuts him off. “Remus has fallen just as hard for you as you have for him.”

Sirius blinks. His cheeks burn.

James rolls his eyes. “Trust me.” He repeats, helping Sirius to his feet. “Now… do you want me to find Remus for you?”

“Would you?” Sirius asks, sudden anxiety flooding his stomach.

James sighs. “Obviously,” He says. “Merlin, I’m some kind of match maker, aren’t I?”

“Clearly.” Sirius murmurs, a wobbly smile tugging his lips. “Thank you, Prongs.”

“Yeah, yeah,” He squeezes Sirius’ arms with a grin, “what are brothers for?”

Sirius tries to match his grin, but it comes out more jittery and uncertain. James disappears out the door, and all Sirius can do is wait.