Wet Paper Towels (texting fic)

Unnamed groupchat
9:35 pm

Dorcas: I had a lot of fun today, so I made a group chat!

Sirius: Can I add some of my friends too?

Dorcas: Sure!

Remus: I’ll also add one

Sirius Potter added James Potter to the group.
Sirius Potter added Mary Macdonald to the group.
Sirius Potter added Peter Pettigrew to the group.
Remus Lupin added Lily Evans to the group

Mary: Hello everyone - Mary <3

Peter: Hi, I’m Peter

Lily: I’m Lily!

James: HI GUYS

Lily: ...and non-men

James: I use “guys” as a gender-neutral term!

Lily: ok, then do you fuck guys too?

James: Occasionally (¬‿¬)

Sirius: Excuse your heteronormativity at this very moment, peasant!

Lily: Wait, you aren’t straight either, Sirius?

Sirius:

Lily:

Sirius:
Sirius: Yes I am.

Remus: STOP

Marlene: Wait, you honestly believed he was straight???
Marlene: The man has a septum piercing for god's sake

Dorcas: So, how about, everyone changes their names to something swag?

Peter Pettigrew changed their username to SomethingSwag.

SomethingSwag: is this okkk

Dorcas Meadowes changed their username to notwhatimeant
Mary Macdonald changed their username to VirginMary

Sirius: That's a lie.

Sirius Potter changed VirginMarys username to SexuallyactiveMary
Sirius Potter changed their username to peppapigispunkrock

peppapigispunkrock: 🐖⛓🔪🖤

Remus Lupin changed their username to daddypigisakinkybastard

peppapigispunkrock: Remus, I see now that we are kindred spirits

daddypigisakinkybastard: I must agree my darling.

peppapigispunkrock: JAMES HE CALLED ME DARLING
peppapigispunkrock: ASDFGHJKJHG
peppapigispunkrock: wrong chat
peppapigispunkrock: excuse me whilst I go dig my grave

daddypigisakinkybastard: so, that was awkward

daddypigisakinkybastard changed their username to awkward

SexuallyactiveMary: so um, what’s everyone’s pronouns

SomethingSwag: he/him :)

James: ATTACK/HELICOPTER💫❤💕🤩🥰😃

peppapigispunkrock: prongs no

James: THaT WaS a JoKe
James: ThesE LiBEraL SnOWflAkes cAN’t TakE AnythiNg ThEse dAys >>>>:C

peppapigispunkrock: your pronouns are he/him you stupid shit

James: yaasss I prefer he/him, but I have no problems with they/them

James Potter changed their username to kidsthesedays

kidsthesedays: what about the rest of you? :D

notwhatimeant: I don’t really know yet, so for now I just use she/her

SexuallyactiveMary: she/they

Marlene: she/her but I like pink/pinkself too

kidsthesedays: should we use both sets of pronouns for you, then?

Marlene: I prefer she/her, but you can use pink/pinkself too

awkward: mine are he/him, thankss for asking

peppapigispunkrock: he/him or he/they

Marlene Mckinnon changed their username to cottagecorelesbian

peppapigispunkrock: ha you wish
peppapigispunkrock: bitch I’M more cottagecore than you

cottagecorelesbian: I will shatter your ribcage <3

peppapigispunkrock: That’s very harmonic and romantic of you, my very own peace-loving fairy

cottagecorelesbian: ha loser, I bought a crystal yesterday, I’m the epitome of cottagecore

peppapigispunkrock: mhm yeah, crystal (bikini with plastic rhinestones)

cottagecorelesbian: die in a hole!! :)

Lily: well um
Lily: I use she/her

Lily Evans changed their username to redhairedswiftlover

redhairedswiftlover: that was the name of my Wattpad account when I was 13
redhairedswiftlover: I primarily wrote Taylor Swift x reader smut

kidsthesedays: I LOVE THAT
kidsthesedays: (not tswift smut, but the fact that you wrote it)

awkward: I REMEMBER THAT
awkward: YOU MADE ME CORRECT YOUR GRAMMAR
awkward: I HAD TO WASH MY EYES WITH BLEACH

SomethingSwag: I just searched for the username, and your books are… definitely interesting

redhairedswiftlover: Don’t read them!!!

SomethingSwag: it’s public property, you can’t just expect me to leave it unseen!
SomethingSwag: “Oh y/n! Give me more” Taylor screams as you slip one more finger into-
Somethingswag: NO
SomethingSwag: THIS IS REPULSIVE

cottagecorelesbian: what
cottagecorelesbian: the
cottagecorelesbian: fuck
cottagecorelesbian: Lily, did you by any chance write a fic called “In her bedsheets” or something like that

redhairedswiftlover: OH MY GOD
redhairedswiftlover: I DID
redhairedswiftlover: HOW DID YOU KNOW

cottagecorelesbian: I READ IT

peppapigispunkrock: ...you read swiftie porn at age 13

cottagecorelesbian: stfu boy you had a CARDBOARD FIGURE of Jack Sparrow in your bedroom and you kissed it goodnight every evening

peppapigispunkrock: CAPTAIN Jack Sparrow if I may
peppapigispunkrock: and he was hotttt, you must admit it

awkward: agreed

kidsthesedays: agreed

SexuallyactiveMary: agreed

notwhatimeant: agreed (but in demisexual and lesbian)

redhairedswiftlover: agreed

cottagecorelesbian: Peter? You can’t actually agree with this monstrosity

SomethingSwag: well, I’m asexual, so it’s not like I’m actively attracted to him, but he got the looks, I have to say

notwhatimeant: Ayyyy, ace gang 🤟🤟🤟

SomethingSwag: Ayy 🤟 Let’s make an aspec-cult

notwhatimeant: I’ll bring the garlic bread

SomethingSwag: and I, the dragons

peppapigispunkrock: Can I join 🥺 Pwease 🥺

SomethingSwag: Sirius Onion Potter, you are A: very homosexual, and B: very banned from our cult, solely for sending that emoji

peppapigispunkrock: IRONICALLY
peppapigispunkrock: I don’t want to join your stupid cult either >:(

notwhatimeant: did… did he just call our cult “stupid”???????????

SomethingSwag: I am heartbroken.

peppapigispunkrock: dramatic ass bitches

cottagecorelesbian: Yeah, you’re not one to talk about drama, mr. “Don’t you dare buy the same dress as me, or I will strangle you with a belt and leave your dead body in the snow.” - I didn’t even want to buy your dress, I just complimented it for fucks sake

SexuallyactiveMary: That's very specific…

peppapigispunkrock: in my defence, I had just bought the dress and I really liked it

awkward: I don’t even know what to say

redhairedswiftlover: Wait, Sirius ``Onion” Potter??

kidsthesedays: Yes.

peppapigispunkrock: Yes.

SomethingSwag: no no, Lily it’s just a joke! :)

peppapigispunkrock removed SomethingSwag from the groupchat.

peppapigispunkrock: What he meant to say was “Yes.”

redhairedswiftlover: Ah, I see.

peppapigispunkrock added Peter Pettigrew to the group
Peter Pettigrew changed their username to SomethingSwag.

SomethingSwag: cunt

peppapigispunkrock: yes?

SomethingSwag: annoying fucking asscrack

peppapigispunkrock: I agree!

SomethingSwag: inbred swine

peppapigispunkrock: that’s true Pete, that’s true :)

SomethingSwag: I. Dislike. Your. Hair.

kidsthesedays: *audience gasping*

cottagecorelesbian: *children crying*

SexuallyactiveMary: *buildings crashing*

peppapigispunkrock: I can accept a lot of things.
peppapigispunkrock: I can return sharp insults with a smile.
peppapigispunkrock: I can embrace you, and all your disgusting words.
peppapigispunkrock: But no one. NO ONE.
peppapigispunkrock: NO ONE PUTS DISGRACE ONTO THE LEGACY OF MR. SWAG AND I!!!!

SexuallyactiveMary: *Cue to news studio* And here is Mary Macdonald, who was an innocent bystander, viewing the horrible homicide against Peter Pettigrew, with their own eyes. Mary, do you have anything to say?”
SexuallyactiveMary: *sob* “I- I knew Sirius Potter. He was a friend of mine, and I have to say I never knew he had this evil in him. Yeah, I guess he was always a little strange, but, but watching this normally friendly man transforming into a monster before my eyes - that was traumatizing.” *breaks down crying on open TV*

cottagecorelesbian: *back to the news studio* “Criminal detectives have analysed the body, and found that there were clear signs of stab wounds on the body of young Peter Pettigrew, only 19 when he died. This was everything from your daily news.”

peppapigispunkrock: You know what? Fuck you all!
peppapigispunkrock: consume my anus, people who have sexual intercourse with parental figures who identify as women.
peppapigispunkrock: that's latin for 'eat my ass, motherfuckers'

kidsthesedays: no, no it's not.

redhairedswiftlover: So, while it was definitely… interesting to talk you all, I have to go now, my pizza arrived :))

kidsthesedays: byeee

cottagecorelesbian: BYE

SexuallyactiveMary: Byee!!

SomethingSwag: Goodbye :)

notwhatimeant: See you laterrrrrrrrr

awkward: Bye!!!

peppapigispunkrock: farewell, mortals

awkward: nerd

peppapigispunkrock: i hate you already <3

redhairedswiftlover: Talk to you later, everyone :)

Sirius Potter, Remus Lupin
1:34 am

Sirius: Hi