Chapter 3
It had been a week since the night of their reunion and it was safe to say that neither of them knew how to take it from there.
Neither of them had prepared themselves for the next step and therefore, they both just trod lightly around each other, afraid to be too close, incapable of being too far and just absolutely clueless where or how they were supposed to be.
"Moo-"
"Sirius, did you bring any clothes of yours? I'm sorry I interrupted, you were about to say something?"
"It's nothing, Remus. No, I didn't bring my clothes. Would it be okay if I borrowed yours for a while? I shall make arrangements to get mine as soon as possible."
"Oh, it's no big deal. You can use mine for as long as you want."
"Thanks."
_
"I taught Harry at Hogwarts for a term."
"Yes, Dumbledore told me about it. I'm really happy you did. I'm happy that he met you and got to really know you."
"Well, I feel terrible that I didn't do it sooner -"
"Don't talk about it, Remus. You can't undo anything now, can you? A lot has changed and I wouldn't blame you for it."
"Oh really?" Remus drawled a little sarcastically, evidently too bitter, but regretted it immediately. He saw hurt flash across Sirius' face in a split second and cursed himself mentally.
"I'm really sorry, I didn't mean to -"
" It's fine. Don't worry about it.
"Pad-"
"I'm going in. Goodnight."
_
"What are you doing, Sirius?"
"Sorry, I just wanted to have one drink and I waited for you to come back but.. I don't know, it was getting late and .. yeah." Sirius slurred a little.
"No, I don't mind you taking my bottles but why are.. you.. are you okay? You don't look well."
"I'm fine. Care to join me?" He looked up at Remus, who was standing in the hallway, wearing his dress robes, hair slightly dishevelled.
Remus just looked back at him and blinked.
"Oh, it's okay if you don't want to, Remus. I'm sure you'll be tired anyway. But I'll be up for a while I think. So don't wait for me."
Remus sighed, eyeing at the sight of the mess that was Sirius. He looked too plastered for his own good and Remus had seen a fair share of drunk Sirius a lot of times before, but somehow this time, it didn't feel as peaceful as it did all those times.
He removed his robes and hung it up on the armchair and moved to sit beside Sirius on the couch. He quickly took the half empty bottle from his hands and took a swig directly from it, the liquid burning his throat heavily.
They both just sat together on the couch, in comfortable silence.
"I see them sometimes." Sirius spoke quietly.
"See whom?"
"Prongs and Lily. I see them. As if they're just around me all the time."
Remus looked at him softly but Sirius was not looking back at him. He was staring into the distance, eyes glassy, face too red. He knew Sirius had so much to say and just waited patiently, eyes not leaving him.
"I close my eyes and I just see them, you know? Prongs chasing me around by the lake, running with me to the infirmary to see you in the mornings after, escaping corner to corner from Filch after bombing the Slytherin rooms, getting endless detentions together from Minnie, and he's just there with me... and we haven't grown a day older… "
" - I see Lily dragging me by my ear, away from Snivellus, just scolding me all the way across the corridors, because I threatened to hex him.. I see her sitting with me on the couch in the common room, insisting that we share a blanket together because she gets all cold easily, just like you.." Sirius spoke softly, chuckling a little and smiling into emptiness.
".. and she's just there listening to me talk about random shit for hours, and nothing's really changed, nothing's gone. And then… within a flash I… I.. I see them lying on the floor, in the hollow that night, just… just lifeless, and I wanna fucking scream my lungs out because it should have been me.. I should've been the one that died that night, it should've been my… my corpse lying on the floor, Rem-"
Remus just wrapped his arms around Sirius' shoulders and brought him closer, holding him tightly against himself, with Sirius' head on his chest, tears dampening his shirt. Sirius cried uncontrollably, fisting his shirt collar tightly, his eyes squeezed shut but not really enough to control the teardrops from spilling all over, and Remus felt his own eyes sting heavily and let tears fall out unannounced.
"Pad-Sirius, I know things have changed a lot. Everything's gone to hell but.. but there's no point in beating yourself up for it all, after all these years. I know James and Lily were your family. I know they were everything to you but you have Harry now. He needs you, you know? More than you think."
"You were my family."
"Sirius..."
"James, Lily and you."
"You don't mean that. If I was your family, you wouldn't have abandoned me." Remus spoke with hurt in his eyes, but he couldn't bring himself to let go of Sirius yet, as he held him even tighter, one hand sliding around his back, the other grasping his hair, holding him squished against his body.
"You wouldn't have suspected me of betraying James and Lily. You wouldn't have suspected me of betraying you -"
"I was a reckless, stupid piece of shit." Sirius lifted his head up from Remus' chest and spoke quietly, looking down, eyes red and wet, but face expressionless. "I still am, really. You always knew that about me, didn't you? I was wrong, I was so fucking wrong that I managed to destroy all our lives, thanks to my one fucking decision. But.. but if you think I didn't love you with every fucking piece of my heart, if you think I didn't think of you as my only family, as the only reason for me to stay alive, Remus... you're fucking wrong too."
"Or maybe.. you just never really knew me at all."
He sniffled once, quietly getting up from the couch, desperately escaping from between Remus' arms, and moved towards his room, swaying and almost stumbling over on the way, and Remus rushed over to him immediately to hold him.
But Sirius just stopped him abruptly, hands coming over to act as a barricade between Remus and himself.
"I can manage, really. Goodnight."
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