Chapter 39
Regulus didn’t leave his room for another few days, apart from to get food. He only ate when he was sure his brother was gone, though, which was easy. Sirius hadn’t come back. James had told him that he was staying with Marlene, ignoring Lily; and he only had the information because of Remus, who’d offered it up. Sirius was angry at him, too. The only person in the flat that he would speak to was Peter, who he claimed to be on his side. James had done his best to make his anger towards Peter known. He had shouted at him when he’d arrived home the first day of the fight and hadn’t spoken to him since. Peter was taking this badly, but Regulus didn’t really know him as much as the others, so he found it hard to care about.
James was doing a good job of attempting to remain neutral. He was aware that his best friend was angry at him, and had backed off enough to give him the space he needed. And he was aware his boyfriend was teetering on the brink of anger at any given moment. He tiptoed around the apartment, basking in whatever small moments of calm he could. Regulus did his best not to completely shut James out. He’d let him sit in silence with him in his room. He’d accept food or drinks that he’d hedge his way when he’d get worried. Regulus really didn’t feel much like speaking, but he’d nod along to whatever James told him of his own day.
It was difficult for him, really. He felt bad for James, but he couldn’t bring himself to comfort him. He was the one in dire need of comfort. And James offered it up. He’d pull Regulus into his chest every so often, pressing comforting kisses to his temple, whispering how it would be fine soon. Regulus couldn’t really see it being fine soon, but he’d nod into James’ shoulder anyway, his only way of comforting him back.
Regulus was on his fifth day of wallowing when he finally decided to venture out of the flat. He had a shower and got dressed, and finally made it further than the kitchen. He knew James was already at class, as were Remus and Peter, so he slipped out of the flat undetected, pulling James’ hoodie closer around him. It had been the first thing he’d grabbed, once again. He ignored how big it was on him, pulling his cigarettes from his pocket as he got to the street below, flicking his lighter twice until it caught, and allowing him to inhale some smoke. It made him relax instantly.
He ended up at the lecture he was actually meant to attend that day, taking his place in the back row. He didn’t take any notes, or really even pay attention. But he was attending, so he ticked it off as an accomplishment in his head. He was thankful when his professor wrapped it up for the day, clapping in acknowledgement that the class was finished for another week.
Regulus was the first to rise, escaping through the door as soon as he could. He’d done his deed of leaving his bedroom, so he felt fine about returning to it, as quickly as possible. He was halfway towards the exit when he heard his name being shouted, and the sound around to find Pandora running down the hallway towards him. She stopped in front of him, pushing her books into his hands. He accepted them, silently, watching as she dug her phone from her coat pocket, pressing a button. “I got him, found him. Yeah. Yeah, I’ll bring him,” she spoke quickly, hanging up as soon as she was done speaking. “Cmon,” she turned back to him, taking her books back.
“I have to get home,” he vaguely shrugged. She gave him a warning look that assured him he’d regret that decision, so he gave in, following her down the hall.
She didn’t speak. She simply lead him out of the university grounds, and towards the pub, they’d claimed as their own. Upon arrival, Regulus was greeted with the sight of Barty, three drinks already in front of him, eyebrows raised in anticipation. “We thought you fucking died, mate.”
“I wish,” he muttered, ignoring the glare that Pandora shot him. “I’m joking.”
“Not very funny,” she snapped, pushing him towards the booth. He slid in, pulling his drink towards him. He took a gulp as Pandora sat beside him, dropping her books into her bag. “We called you.”
“Phone must have died,” he shrugged. It was buried under his bed. He was ignoring it.
“We thought you died!” Barty pointed out again, and Regulus shrugged. “What happened?”
Regulus sifted through his thoughts, leaning back in the booth as he crossed his arms. “Sirius found out about James and me.”
“You told him?” Pandora questioned.
“No, I didn’t.” His friends lapsed into silence for a few moments, both of them frowning at the revelation. “Peter found a valentines card that James got for me, and gave it to Sirius, and he kicked off about how James was a prick for making such a terrible joke when he knew how much I liked him. And when I actually did tell him we were in a relationship, and the card was serious, he kicked off.”
Barty frowned, taking a sip of his drink before crossing his arms to mirror Regulus’ actions. “Do we need to kill him?”
“We can, if you like,” Pandora helpfully added.
“No,” Regulus sighed. “It was… I don’t know. He’s been staying at the girl's place for the past few days because of our fight kind of… Got away from James and me, and got more towards family problems. I suppose we have a few unresolved issues.”
“Christ.” Barty pinched the bridge of his nose as Pandora offered a comforting pat on Regulus’ arm. “Well, I can’t blame him for thinking it’s a joke.”
“What’s that suppose to mean?” Regulus glared.
“His best friend and his brother? That’s straight out of a cheesy film.”
“What film?”
Barty hesitated. “One of them. It’s a trope, trust me!” Regulus didn’t say anything as his friend continued. “I’m just saying. If you came to me, as my brother, telling me you were shagging my best friend… I’d be sceptical too.”
“Did you bring up the family first, or did he?” Pandora gently questioned, and Regulus almost flinched away from the comment.
“I did,” he admitted, and Pandora and Barty shared a look from opposite each other.
Barty sighed, taking another sip of his drink. “Were you lashing out, Regulus?” His tone was accusing, although Regulus was aware he didn’t mean it in a rude way.
Regulus let out a defeated sigh, and his friends both joined in. “You both need help, honestly,” Pandora sighed, stroking his arm in an attempt to comfort him. “Your parents… Well, Barty’s not a gossip, but he said they weren’t the nicest. You might do well to talk to someone.”
“I might,” Regulus murmured, deciding not to give it a second thought. “It just… It’s hard. He still treats me like a child.”
“That’s because you’re his little brother. He has to,” Pandora reminded.
“Well, I hate it. And he thinks he’s all high and mighty because he got away from them, and he thinks I’m tragic because I didn’t. It’s pathetic.” He attempted to keep his tone steady as he spoke, although it was hard.
His friends offered him sympathetic looks. “Have you spoken to him?” Barty tenderly asked.
“I don’t want to,” he huffed in response.
“But maybe you should, still…” Barty leaned forwards, looking as if he were carefully selecting his words, walking on eggshells in his brain. “You told me about it all, one night when you were a bit pissed... And, I’m not defending him, honestly. But you weren’t in his life for a while, Reg. You were with them. I remember you saying you didn’t speak to him for months after he left. And now, you’re back in his life, and you’re in love with the one person who actually has been there, as a brother, for so long. Any time you weren’t there, James was. And now, he’s finding out James is with you…”
Regulus watched him, attempting to keep his features blank as he continued. “Obviously, if he’s said anything terribly out of order, I’ll kill him for you, and no one will ever find the body. But… For a long time, he had it worse than you. That’s got to have fucked him up rather a lot. He probably doesn’t mean half the rude things he says, or does. He’s just… damaged.”
Regulus blinked a few times, taking another sip of his drink. “I suppose.”
“You should talk to him,” Pandora urged. “Sooner rather than later."
“I will,” Regulus murmured after a few seconds. “Maybe after a few more drinks, though.”
They ended up staying for a few hours, all of them sinking drink after drink. Pandora had an exciting story to tell about the girls in her class, and Barty had updates on his dating life. It gave Regulus the sense of normalcy he had so desperately needed the past few days. They gossiped, made chit chat, and shared a plate of chips, and Regulus was reminded that life wasn’t all bad. He didn’t have to live inside his head as he had when he was younger.
He mentally made a plan as he left the pub, his friends doing their own things, waving their goodbyes to him. He wasn’t drunk, but he was supplied with enough alcohol to feel fine about making his way to Lily’s flat, his feet carrying him quickly. He didn’t think twice about knocking on the door, fidgeting with his sleeve as he waited.
Mary was the one to swing the door open, looking at him with a bright smile. “Wow… James Potter’s boyfriend at my front door… To what do I owe the pleasure, Baby Black?”
“Is my brother here?” He questioned, ignoring the nickname.
“No,” she answered, glancing behind her. She turned back to him. “Are you here with an olive branch?”
“Not physically,” he muttered.
She grinned in amusement. “Look, I’m not supposed to tell you because you’re from ‘the enemy flat’, but he’s at the studio. He’ll be there for a few more hours, at least, so you’ll find him there for sure.”
“Is he calling our flat the enemy flat?” Regulus frowned.
“Yes. I don’t know if you know, but your brother is rather dramatic.”
“Can’t say I’ve noticed,” he lied.
She gave him directions, because he had no clue where he was meant to go, and he easily followed them back to the university, entering a building he’d never been in before. It was dark out, and the lights weren’t automatic, so he squinted his way down the hall, finally arriving at the only door that had light shining through the small window. He didn’t bother knocking, instead just pushing down the handle, letting himself into the room.
The studio was white, the floors, walls, ceiling, and back of the door were all painted the same colour. There were white sheets on the floor that were covered with paint splatters, but apart from that, the place looked rather immaculate. Regulus found himself stepping through the studio slowly, eyes travelling over the different canvases that were displayed on easels. There were 6 altogether, and Regulus studied each of them as he made his way through the studio. They were all of the same style, all obviously the same artists. They were all of faceless people, some embracing each other, others greeting each other. When he finally reached the centre of the room, he found a canvas which was still being painted with base colours. He could see two faceless people who had their backs to one another, although their hands were reaching behind them, attempting to grab onto each other.
“I have the studio booked all night,” Sirius’ voice called from behind him. Regulus jumped, spinning around to look at him. Sirius glared at the sight of him, instantly, his expression hardening. “It’s you.”
“It’s me,” Regulus confirmed, crossing his arms.
Sirius’ eyes travelled over him, jaw clenching as he silently examined the hoodie that was hanging to his mid-thigh. Regulus almost regretted his choice of clothing, but he wasn't really here for that. He hugged his arms tighter around himself. “What do you want?” His brother cruelly questioned, crossing his own arms. He had paint on his cheek.
“I came to chat,” he offered.
“I don’t want to chat.”
“Well, neither do I,” Regulus shrugged. “But I assume you’re not going to camp out in the girl's flat forever. And your best mate misses you. So, we should chat, and you can come home, and stop acting like a child.”
He scoffed. “Have you just come here to insult me?”
“Yes, of course. I walked all the way here just to be a bigger cock,” Regulus huffed. “Can we just talk? Chat? Resolve some of our issues for once?”
“You want to resolve our issues?” He sounded disbelieving.
“Well, we can’t really go on as we have been. You outing me, not believing me… I know things have been tough for you in the past, but you’re making things tough for me in the present, and it can’t go on.” He kept his voice steady as he spoke. “I can’t deal with it.”
Sirius faltered, slightly, features softening slightly. “James said I was being a stubborn prick.”
“You were,” Regulus mused. “I didn’t think you two were speaking.”
“We’re not. He came here earlier, had a go at me, and left again.” Sirius scowled as he spoke. “Your boyfriend is a real handful, Regulus.”
Regulus opened his mouth to argue before pausing. “My boyfriend…”
“Yes,” Sirius rolled his eyes, walking past his brother. He crossed his arms as he stood in front of the canvas that he’d been working on. “Tall, annoying. I’m sure you know him.”
“I thought you thought it was all some big joke.”
“I did,” Sirius sighed. “And then he came to me…. That bloke loves you, y’know? Rather a lot. It’s a bit sickening.”
Regulus felt his heart warm at that. He bit the inside of his cheek, attempting to steady himself. “Some people like me,” he concluded. “Just not you.”
Sirius sighed again, louder and harsher. “I don’t.. I don’t not like you, Regulus. You’re my brother.” He seemed to think about his words for a few moments. “We just have a difficult relationship.”
“We do,” Regulus agreed. “Look, I’m sorry if I made it hard for you with… befriending your friends, and getting involved with James.”
Sirius didn’t say anything, keeping his eyes on the painting. “I really did try. When we were young, I honestly tried to help you. And protect you. And I didn’t always do a good job, but I tried, honestly.”
“I know,” Regulus almost whispered.
“I couldn’t do much, but I really tried. I honestly… I didn’t think you’d have come if I’d asked, so I just… I felt it better not to ask.” He fidgeted slightly, still fixated on the work. His voice sounded raw when he spoke again. “Sometimes I still feel like I’m back there. Like I’m back in that house. But it’s not like it was when we were young. It’s like we were just before I left. And I… I feel… It sounds ridiculous, but I see you, and I feel like I’m back there. I’m back to when we were both in a bad place, but.. You weren’t on my side. And I know it’s stupid because you’re with me now. You fucking live with me now… But I forget, and I lash out, and I… I’m pretty fucked.”
Regulus almost replied, but Sirius continued. “But I shouldn’t… And I don’t know how to make it up to you, but I want to, really. You’re all I have. I speak to Andromeda occasionally, but you’re honestly all I’ve got. The last bit of family I have. I really…. I want to fix things with us, I swear.”
“So do I,” Regulus quietly responded. He glanced between Sirius and the painting for a second before squinting. “Is that us?”
“Yeah,” he confirmed, hugging his arms around himself as Regulus was. “It’s stupid, but in my own way, I feel like I’m constantly reaching out to you, and you’re just out of reach. Just too far.”
Regulus slowly turned to his brother, frown tugging on his lips. “I’m here now. I’m not like them. I was just trying to survive in that house, but now I don’t have to… And I know it will take work but… I’m not going to lose myself again, okay? And I don’t want to lose you, either. You reach for me, and I’m here. For good.”
Sirius turned to face him, looking hopeful for a moment. “Promise?”
“Swear it,” Regulus nodded.
Sirius crashed into him, wrapping his arms around Regulus in a bone-crushing hug. Regulus easily hugged back, pulling Sirius into him as the elder seemed to let a few quiet sobs release into his shoulder. Regulus didn’t even realise he was crying too until Sirius pulled away, his rough thumb swiping tears from his younger brother’s cheeks. “We’ll sort through some stuff, okay? Have a proper chat about all our problems.”
“We will,” Regulus nodded, unable to help himself as he pulled Sirius into another hug. “We’ll get through it."