lose yourself to me

Regulus was rather impressed with how diplomatic James appeared when Sirius walked in the front door the next day, a bag over his shoulder with Regulus trailing behind him. He didn’t look too happy, nor did he look disappointed. He instead looked on with a face of neutrality. They’d talked on the walk over, Sirius rehearsing a little bit until he finally perfected what he really wanted to say to his best friend. 

In the end, he didn’t get through the speech. He instead cleared his throat, dropping his bag dramatically. “I’m sorry for acting like a cunt.”

“Well, you are a cunt, so it’s no big shock,” James replied, shrugging as casually as possible. Regulus rolled his eyes as he realized he was teasing, his boyfriend wandering around the counter to pull his best friend into a hug. 

“Really am sorry.”

James laughed quietly, into his shoulder, patting him on the back. “It’s fine. Just stop being a prick and we’ll all be fine.”

Regulus watched on for a few moments, finally dropping his own bag. He’d attended his classes for the day, and helped Sirius pack his stuff from Lily’s. Lily had silently cheered the entire time, lingering by the door as she watched him pack up. She had sent Regulus a few reassuring grins too, and a thumbs up when Sirius’ back was turned. 

“Just don’t be weird with Regulus when I’m around… It’s disgusting.”

James pulled back, shaking his head. “As if I haven’t had to put up with young Remus for the past few years.”

“We’re adorable,” Sirius argued, apparently entirely relaxed again. He moved into the kitchen as if he had never left, pulling open one of the cupboards. “You two aren’t.”

Regulus glanced at James, finding him already looking at him. He looked more relaxed than Regulus had seen him in days, and it lifted the weight off his shoulders. He couldn’t help but stumble the few steps to wrap his arms around James’ waist, pulling him closer as he leaned his head on his shoulder. “We’re adorable,” he murmured. 

Sirius cast them a look over his shoulder, rolling his eyes. “This is going to be a nightmare.”

“You’ll get used to it,” James promised.

-

Peter got forgiven, properly. It didn’t take much, but he appeared happier with the comfort of knowing he was no longer in the dog house. Remus seemed to relax too, not even appearing surprised when he arrived home to see Regulus lying practically draped over James’ chest on one couch whilst Sirius occupied the armchair by the door. And life moved on. 

-

Regulus slapped his phone a few times, desperate to try and silence the ridiculous alarm that was ringing out, disturbing the silence of James’ bedroom. His bedroom, he supposed. He’d moved into James’ room a few weeks ago, his books getting shelved between James’, his clothes getting slotted into the wardrobe, his side of the bed getting a new lamp, and a phone charger plugged into the wall. It was homey. 

He finally hit the right button, the silence enveloping the room again. It was a bank holiday, so he really didn’t need to get up, but he’d forgotten to turn off his alarm. He rolled away from his phone, burrowing back into the bedsheets as he shuffled towards James’ embrace. James, who was quietly groaning his complaints at the ridiculous noise that had sounded. 

“I told you to turn that off last night,” James mumbled, his arms wrapping around Regulus as they always did. “You deserve a lie-in on your birthday.”

“Well, you distracted me last night…” Regulus whispered, memories of the night before playing behind his shut eyes. James’ chest shook slightly, evidence of his amusement warming Regulus. 

James’ lips peppered a small kiss by his cheekbone. “It’s your birthday, Reggie.”

“Hmmm,” he sounded quiet. “Just another day.”

James let out a loud fake gasp, pushing Regulus so that he could hold him at arm's length, causing him to finally open his eyes. “It is the most important day of the year! None of this ‘just another day shit. It’s going to be the best day ever!” 

Regulus sleepily rolled his eyes, shuffling back towards his boyfriend. “I don’t want to do anything. I just want to lie with you all day long. There are no classes, nothing to do. We can just lie around all day long!” 

He made a noise of complaint, shaking his head as he nudged Regulus. “No. We have to get up, do things, and celebrate. At least make a cake. Go for lunch, maybe. I’m sure the girls will want to see you celebrate.”

“Well, I don’t want to see them,” he stubbornly whispered. “I want to see you. Shirtless, preferably.”

The laugh that James let out delighted him. James delighted him. Sirius, after a few weeks of ‘getting used to them, had teasingly demanded to know when their honeymoon phase was finally going to end. It still hadn’t, though. Every touch from James, every smile from James, every teasing flirt from James made him feel rushed with excitement, giddy at the memory that James was all his.

James, for his entire life, had been just out of reach. He had been Sirius’ for so long. And then Lily’s. But now… Now he was all his. He was there in the mornings, for sleepy kisses, and soft touches under the covers. He was there for breakfast, which they’d usually spend chatting. He was there for the walk to classes and the walk home. He was there for dinner, which they’d spend together filling in each other on their day. And he was there at the end of the day, when they could finally fall into bed together, watching a movie before they slept, or talking some more. 

They went on dates. They saw films in the small cinema down the road, they went to dinner in the pub around the corner. They spent weekends visiting nearby towns, going on walks, and sightseeing. When the group would go out, they’d sit together, almost glued together. It was domestic, nice, and easy. All the time spent together was lovely, really. 

He always knew he was in love with James, but every day together made it feel like he was falling further, deeper. There were days, of course, where he got in his own head. Being raised the way he was made it easy to fall into little pits of depression, the sad bursts hanging over him like a dark cloud. There were occasional times when he’d see James lighting up a room, whatever story he was telling leaving people desperate for more, and Regulus would wonder what he did to deserve him. What he had done for James Potter, the James Potter, to have chosen him. It kept him up sometimes. He’d watch James sleep, his eyes following the rise and fall of his chest, and wonder how on earth he’d gotten so lucky. Wonder just how permanent this could be. 

It felt pretty permanent, though. 

He knew it was stupid. He was young, James was young. But it felt like something real. Something that could be forever. Regulus saw the way Sirius and Remus were, and he was pretty sure they were a forever sort of thing. And he felt like he and James were the same. He was very sure of it. He could see a future for them, years down the line. He could see marriage, someday, kids maybe. He could see them living like James’ parents, wearing matching pajamas on Christmas morning, sharing drinks with their friends during parties over the holidays. He could see it so clearly and wanted it so badly it made him dizzy. 

“Ohh, I got you something!” James announced, dragging Regulus’ attention back to the room. He watched as James rolled out of the bed, stretching as he made his way to his desk. He pulled open one of the desk drawers, rooting around as Regulus pushed himself up. He supposed going back to sleep was out of the question. 

He stifled a yawn as he rubbed his eye. “You didn’t have to get me anything.” 

“Well, I did. This is just something small because I got you something bigger for later. I’m not really meant to tell you, but Sirius is doing this whole… Not a party, but a gathering so… But I got you.. God, where is it? I swear I hid it in here the other day…” James was mumbling, his sentences almost running together. “Got it!” He finally announced, kneeing the drawer shut. He turned back to Regulus, who pretended he hadn’t been checking him out before. It wasn’t his fault if James was irresistible, and only wearing pajama pants. 

James flopped back onto the bed, shimmying closer to him. He gestured for Regulus to hold out his hands, which he did, and close his eyes. Regulus bit the inside of his cheek, almost jumping at the cold metal that got dropped into his hands. He blinked his eyes open, staring down at the gift, eyebrows raising immediately. “A lighter?”

He delicately turned it over in his hands, studying the piece. James had gotten him a silver zippo lighter, one of the reusable ones. It was shiny and bright, and Regulus felt overjoyed to see that James had gotten it engraved with his initials, in his handwriting, beautifully similar to the white lighters he’d been writing on since the year before. And on the opposite side, much to his surprise, were James’ initials, in the same handwriting.

“A lighter for when we’re smoking,” 

Regulus couldn’t contain the smile that fought its way into his face, tilting his head as he met his boyfriend's eye. “Are you finally admitting you join in?”

“Shut up,” he murmured, looking towards his window. “You’re a bad influence.”

“I’m not peer pressuring you,” he rolled his eyes. 

James laughed quietly, hedging closer to him again, his fingers dancing up Regulus’ thighs to poke his hips, smiling at the small squeak Regulus let out. “Do you like it?”

Regulus grinned flicking it open to light it, flipping the lid closed again. “It’s perfect. I’ll use it forever.”

“It’s more permanent than the Bic ones,” James explained. “I thought you’d like it.”

“I love it,” Regulus promised, reaching over to drop it onto his bedside table, beside his phone. He shuffled slightly, getting as close to James as he possibly could. “I love you.”

“Good,” James mumbled, one of his hands cupping his cheek as he pulled him into a short kiss. “I love you too.”

Regulus kissed him again, unable to help himself. Kissing James was like touching the sun. He always tasted like coffee, somehow, even if they hadn’t had coffee for days. He was addictive. His lips were soft, and the quiet noises he made were like music to Regulus’ ears as he lazily pulled him closer, his lips moving to press kisses down his jaw. 

“None of that,” James pulled back. “It’s your birthday.”

He said it as if it were a reminder, but also order. Regulus simply shook his head, tiredness taking over as he wrapped his arms around James’ neck pulling him into a hug. “Mmm okay, then we stay here all day.”

The brunette let out a quiet laugh, moving so that he could pull Regulus to lie on his chest, pressing a small kiss onto his head. “You’re so persistent.”

“I’m so tired,” he replied, biting back a yawn. James mumbled something else, his voice almost too low for Regulus to hear as he shut his eyes, sleep finding him surprisingly easily.

The second time he woke up James was asleep again. His mouth was open, and he was lightly snoring, but he still managed to look good. Regulus easily slipped from his arms, quietly padding out of the room. The apartment was warm. Warm enough that he could get away with just wearing boxers and one of James’ t-shirts down to the kitchen. It had made Sirius flinch the first few times, but he’d gotten over it. In fact, he didn’t even seem phased at Regulus’ appearance when he finally got to the kitchen, rounding the counter to hug him.

“Happy birthday!” He sang, and Regulus had to force himself not to roll his eyes. They’d gotten better, really. They were friends again. They’d tease each other like children, and Regulus had finally figured out how to hold back the snarky replies he usually let rip. Although, they both made their fair share of trauma jokes that had their boyfriends blanching, and Peter averting his eyes. 

“Thank you,” he mumbled into Sirius’ shoulder. “Did you plan me a party?”

Sirius groaned, pulling back, glaring down the hall. “Did Prongs fucking tell you? God, he’s such a tosser.”

“No, I figured it out a few days ago. He just confirmed it earlier,” he explained. “You really didn’t have to.”

“Well, of course, I didn’t have to,” Sirius shrugged, wandering back to where he’d left his coffee cup. “I wanted to.”

“You’re so nice,” Regulus teased.

Sirius looked at him, expression faltering. “I’m trying,” he sincerely said. Regulus’ features softened as he looked at his older brother, who was trying his best, just as he was. 

He nodded, offering a small smile. “I know. You’re doing well, I promise. I appreciate the party.”

Sirius smiled back, nodding towards the kettle. “Coffees?” 

“Yeah, I’ll bring one down for James. He fell asleep after giving me my present.” Sirius rose a suggestive eyebrow that made Regulus glare. “He got me a lighter, pervert.”

“You two and your smoking… Disgusting…” Sirius waved a hand, already grabbing mugs. 

“You smoke too,” he shot back.

His brother dismissed him, moving swiftly, pouring coffee into the mugs within a few minutes, sliding them across the counter. “Here,” he smiled. 

“Thank you,” he mumbled. “Looking forward to the party, I promise.”

“You better be,” Sirius pointed, and Regulus nodded, laughing to himself as he picked up the mugs. 

He shuffled back down the hall, kneeing open the door as quietly as possible. It didn’t really matter, though. James was already awake again, scrolling on his phone as he sat against the headboard. He looked up as Regulus kicked the door shut behind him, already holding one of the mugs more towards James. “Here. Coffee.”

“I should be bringing you coffee in bed, I think.” He accepted the coffee, smiling as Regulus clambered back into bed, leaning on his shoulder after taking his first mouthful. 

He considered what to say for a few moments, thinking over his thoughts from earlier, swallowing another mouthful of his hot coffee. “Do you see… Do you think we’ll ever get married?”

They hadn’t really discussed the future. Not properly. Not directly. And part of him expected James to push him away, shut the conversation down. But he could feel the older nodding as soon as he finished speaking. “Of course.”

“Really?”

“Well, who else would I marry?” He teased. 

Regulus looked at him, eyebrows raising just a little. “You’re not just saying it because it’s my birthday, right? You’re not just people pleasing?”

James shook his head, putting his mug on the bedside table. Regulus copied his action, feeling something serious close to occurring. “You,” James cupped his cheeks, his thumbs smoothing the skin under his eyes, “are perfect. Amazing, in fact. Bafflingly beautiful, incredibly witty, utterly charming, brilliantly intelligent… I think about marrying you all the time. All the time! All I want to do is spend the rest of my life with you. I’m not saying we get married tomorrow, we’re still young, but… I would, Reggie. Honestly. I would.”

Regulus was sure that he was close to tearing up as he offered up a small smile. “Good to know,” he attempted to appear casual. James broke into a grin at the words, shaking his head. The idea of a future with him made his stomach flip. He felt like a giddy child promised a trip to Disney World. There wasn’t a part of his being that wanted anything other than James Potter. 

He leaned forwards, kissing James as gently as possible, capturing his world once again. Their lips moved together with ease, Regulus’ own hand coming to cup James’ neck. He pulled away after a few moments, unable to help the small smile that slipped onto his lips again. He wondered what he would have thought, a year before, if you’d told him he’d get to spend his birthday wrapped up with the love of his life, sharing kisses in between promises of forever. His head probably would have exploded. 

“I know you get in your head, Reggie… But I love you, okay? You can trust me. You can lose yourself to me. I’m in this for the long run. For good,” James promised, placing another soft kiss on his lips. 

Regulus blushed, unable to help himself as he shook his head. “Trust me, James. I lost myself to you a long time ago…”