Chapter 38
Regulus had a plan. If you asked him, he would tell you the whole thing. In fact, James had asked him, and he’d relayed each move easily. He’d planned it perfectly. His brother, the nosey git, would once again offer to set him up. Regulus would simply shrug, explain he was seeing someone and it was pretty casual, and he didn’t need to be set up. Over the next days, he’d hint more heavily towards it being James. He’d wear his shirts, talk to him more, smile at him more, flirt with him more, and James would obviously do the same. It would be easy enough for him to come to his sense, sniff out their relationship, and feel incredibly smart for figuring that out.
But there was no time for that to happen. The plan unravelled before Regulus’ eyes the day before valentines, and the flat had been in disarray since.
Regulus had been out, seeing Pandora and Barty for lunch. He’d come home slightly tipsy because they had a habit of spending any meal together drinking. When he’d made it home, yawning into his arm, he’d found Sirius, looking incredibly angry.
James simply looked puzzled, eyebrows raising as he looked at his best friend. He only dragged his eyes away when Regulus shut the door, the noise startling both of them. “I’m home?” Regulus called out, words dying on his tongue as he saw Sirius’ expression. “What’s going on?”
“What’s going on? I was just about to ask James that, actually!” He sounded slightly hysterical. Regulus slowly pulled his coat off, hanging it up before he shuffled towards the kitchen, looking between them. “I want to know, James, what’s going on? What the fuck is going on?”
“With what?” James helplessly asked, fixing his glasses as he looked at his friend.
Sirius was on the opposite side of the counter, so his action of slamming the card onto the counter was much more dramatic than it would have been had they been closer. Regulus’ eyes widened at it, warmth blooming inside of him as he realised it was a valentines card, presumably for him. He rose an eyebrow as he tilted his head to look at it. James had visibly shrunk back, and Regulus slowly came to the realisation that as much as he’d wanted to tell Sirius, he really wasn’t ready to tell Sirius.
“Are you fucking kidding me, James?” Sirius snarled his words, angry with each syllable. “You know he has a crush on you, and you write him joke cards? Are you fucking serious? That’s not funny!”
Regulus almost choked. Sirius really was blind. He had no idea that James’ card was no doubt serious. Regulus stepped forwards, snatching the card from the counter. There was a cheesy bear on the front, holding a big red heart that said ‘Happy Valentines Day'. He opened the card, ignoring the look of pity from Sirius, and the look of disheartenment from James.
‘To my beloved Reggie. Beyond happy to know your heart is mine, as you know mine is yours. Every day with you is just lovely, and upon recent chats, I can safely say you feel the same. I think you’re lovely as well… and you’re my home too<3 -James.’
Regulus felt like crying as he read it, blinking away the tears quickly. He looked over at James, who was watching him closely, a bashful expression on his face. “Rather sappy,” Regulus mused.
“Shut up,” James retorted, automatically. “It’s romantic!”
“You can’t call every sappy thing you do ‘romantic’, James. Sometimes, it’s just sappy!” Regulus assured him, eyes flickering over the card again. “Lovely, though.”
“It’s not lovely, Regulus!” Sirius snapped, and Regulus was cruelly reminded his brother was with them. “It’s cruel! It’s a cruel joke! You know he’s infatuated with him, and you have the audacity to write him prank cards? I’m all for a prank, James, but that’s my younger brother! How could you be such a dick to him?”
Regulus rolled his eyes. James’ expression was melting back into nervousness, his hands fidgeting by his side. It made Regulus feel rather ill to see. He glared at his brother. “Christ, Sirius. Can you use your brain for once in your life?”
Sirius looked at him, confusion riddling his features. It would be comical if Regulus wasn’t so irritated. He’d gotten James an equally sappy card, which was hidden in his bedside table drawer. He’d spent an hour trying to think of something to say, finally writing it carefully. This had rather ruined the surprise of it. “Why are you talking to me like it’s my fault?”
“It is your fault! What were you doing? Snooping through his things? Have you been snooping through mine, too?” Regulus questioned.
“Peter gave it to me,” Sirius shrugged. There was a beat of tense silence.
“Has Pete been going through my things?” James questioned, voice tight.
“How am I supposed to know?” Sirius rolled his eyes as if offended to be asked such a ridiculous question. “Why am I answering your questions? You should be answering mine!”
“You should be asking better questions,” Regulus scoffed.
“I can’t believe you’re so fine about this!” Sirius huffed. “He’s making you into the butt of some sick joke! He knows you like him, and he’s playing with your feelings! That’s fucked!”
Regulus rolled his eyes again, letting go of a long shuddering sigh. “Tell me, Sirius, would you get stroppy over your boyfriend buying you a valentines card?”
“Yes!” Sirius snapped before he’d even finish speaking. Then he paused, stopping to think over the words Regulus let hang in the air. He glanced at James, who he was sure had stopped breathing, his mouth opening slightly in anticipation. Sirius’ eyes slowly widened, his brain finally catching up.
Regulus didn’t move, watching realisation wash over his brother's features. It felt like he was watching a wave crash into a cliff. His jaw went slack, dropping ever so slightly before clamping shut, clenching. He stared at Regulus for a few moments, and Regulus almost felt sick. This was it. This was the moment his brother decided to hate him.
But then he wasn’t looking at Regulus. He was whirling towards James, anger thundering his features. “James Potter.” The name sounded like venom on Sirius’ tongue. “Tell me you’re not fucking my little brother.”
There was silence again, almost deafening now. James opened his mouth, shutting it again after a moment of hesitation. Regulus was really rather unsure as to what to say. He had prepared, slightly, for what to do when Sirius inevitably found out. Considering how protective he’d been over James, he had really just prepared to remind Sirius of how he didn’t have custody over the boy he loved. This time he’d put up a fight for him, he wouldn’t shut down.
He hadn’t really prepared for the idea of Sirius being protective over him.
“James,” Sirius repeated. James’ gaze flickered between them as if he was unable to find the words to use. “James!” Sirius shouted the word now, and James flinched.
“Stop shouting,” Regulus complained, dropping the card back onto the counter so he could cross his arms. “He looks terrified.”
“Why hasn’t he answered?” Sirius questioned, not taking his eyes off James. “Regulus, why hasn’t he answered?”
Regulus vaguely shrugged, feeling irritated again. “Probably because you look like you’re ready to punch him.”
“I am ready to punch him,” Sirius confessed.
“Please don’t punch me,” James begged, voice relatively hoarse. “Please.”
“He’s not going to punch you,” Regulus assured him, although he was unsure as he watched Sirius’ cheeks redden with anger.
“Are you… Are you sleeping with Regulus?” Sirius quietly questioned.
James paled at the question, although it was the third time he’d been asked. He opened his mouth again, looking ready to speak this time, but again silently closed it. He repeated the action twice before he finally found his words. “It’s more than that…”
“More than that?” Sirius seethed at the words.
“Yes,” James nodded, more confidently. “It is.”
“Oh, go on,” he sarcastically replied. Regulus despised him for the way he made James’ expression falter.
“I love him,” James simply shrugged.
“Oh, bullshit!” Sirius rolled his eyes. He dropped back against the counter behind him, arms crossing. “You loved Lily until last week! You’re being ridiculous.”
James puffed out a breath of a laugh, shaking his head slightly. “Lily and I have been practically broken up since before we got together because I was too stupid to realise my true feelings!”
“Your true feelings?” Sirius almost laughed at the words. “Come off it!”
“Come off what?” James demanded. Regulus felt like he was simply an onlooker rather than a participant of the fight. He doubted anyone else was in the flat. He was probably the last interruption they’d have for a while, giving free rein to whatever argument was going to unfold before him.
“This insane joke! I really don’t find it amusing!” He snapped.
“There’s nothing for you to find amusing,” Regulus muttered, deciding to reenter the fight. “It’s not a joke.”
“You can’t expect me to believe this,” Sirius looked between them, eyes still narrowed in accusation. “This is ridiculous.”
“It’s not ridiculous,” Regulus assured. “If you weren’t so self-centred, you’d have probably noticed earlier, as Remus did.”
“What?” Sirius’ eyes were blazing with fury.
Regulus felt irritated as he glared at his brother. “You’re truly insufferable today.”
“Are you telling me that Remus knew about this idiocy?” There was a flicker of betrayal in his eyes that made Regulus almost falter. But he didn’t.
“Of course he did. He’s not as stupid as you!” Regulus snapped his words, and Sirius almost flinched. Regulus realised, slowly, that their mother had said something just like that when they were much younger, probably in the same tone. There was a degree of anger that had never fully hit Regulus over the outing which was finally catching up to him, almost a need to be nasty pushing him on. “If you just opened your eyes for once, you’d have seen last year that I wasn’t trying to ‘steal James from you’, and if you weren’t so selfish you wouldn’t even think of accusing me of something as ridiculous as that! I swear, you just think of yourself, and get offended when people around you even just attempt to live their lives as they like!”
Regulus couldn’t really register the expression on Sirius’ face. But he certainly didn’t look happy as he stared at him. “Selfish? You think I’m selfish?”
“You are!” Regulus shouted.
“Bullshit!” Sirius hissed. “I protected you. When you needed me, I was there, and you still picked them over me! You kept them close and pushed me away, and you finally escape them just to come here and rob me of my friends! Show me up in front of them, just as you used to! And now you’ve got James roped into your ridiculous schemes because he feels bad for how pitifully infatuated you are with him!”
“Christ,” James murmured, appearing at a loss for anything else to say.
Regulus made a huff of annoyance. “It’s not a scheme! You put everything into the perspective you did when I was a child! But I’m not one anymore, okay? I don’t need your protection, and I didn’t need your protection back then! You were the one who wound them up! I didn’t need your help, and I didn’t ask for it, so don’t you dare throw that back in my face!”
“You can’t keep up the mentality that you’re better than me simply because you kept quiet while I spoke out against the insanity that was spouted in that house!” Sirius shouted. “You can’t get upset with me because you weren’t as brave as I was!”
“Brave?” Regulus scoffed. “You ran away. You’re hardly brave.”
“Reggie,” James quietly said, his voice almost sounding like a warning.
Regulus ignored him. “You decided it was all a bit too much for you, and you left. You claim the place is abusive, that they’re manipulative.. If you really wanted to protect me, you’d have taken me with you. But you didn’t. That’s not brave, Sirius. That’s irresponsible!”
“As if you’d have come if I’d asked! You were just as bad as them when I was leaving! Maybe you still are!” The words were a low blow, a punch to the stomach, almost. It made Regulus feel unwell, taking a slight step back. Maybe Sirius hated him, always had. Regulus had put him outing him down as a messy mistake. But maybe it was done with malicious intent. Maybe every action had been.
He looked away from Sirius, to James. The pair had only talked a few days ago about the worries that often bubbled within him that he was similar to them, like them. He could see aspects of his parents shining through his personality in many tiny ways. He’d even asked James if he could see it. The words from Sirius had reminded James of the conversation, his expression becoming rather unreadable. Regulus felt to sick to stay put, keeping his eyes on the ground as he walked out of the kitchen, stalking down the hall to his room. There was really nowhere else for him to go.
He slammed his door behind him, sinking down as he attempted to catch his breath. He had trouble with it, though. His breath hitched in his throat with every attempt. He drew his knees up to his chest, blinking back as many tears as he could.
Down the hall, through the door, he could hear raised voices. But he couldn’t figure out what they were saying. James sounded angry, Regulus was sure, but no specific words made their way to his ears. He attempted to take deep breaths, finally feeling tears begin their journey down his cheeks. He kept his lips clamped shut in an attempt to keep sobs from escaping him.
He was beginning to wipe away his tears as he heard the front door of the flat slam shut. Regulus silently held his breath as footsteps started down the hall. He could hear them getting closer to his door. He screwed his eyes shut, praying for it not to be Sirius begging for redemption.
But it was James he heard as the soft knocks sounded. “Reggie,” his voice was quiet. “Can I come in?”
Regulus paused, unable to bring himself to speak outlaid as he slowly rose, feeling stiff. He carefully opened his bedroom door, looking up at James. His expression was still unreadable, until he laid eyes on Regulus’ face, a frown set in. He stepped into the room, closing the door behind him. He instantly wrapped his arms around Regulus’ smaller frame, pulling him into his chest as gently as he could. Regulus felt his shoulders shake with the familiar unwelcome tears he’d just managed to control, losing himself again in James’ arms. He hated the venerability he was showing, but he couldn’t hold it back as he gripped James’ shirt, letting sobs wrack his body.
When he finally caught his breath, he pulled away. James loosened his arms, just barely, letting Regulus get a bit of space as he took deep breaths. “Reggie.”
“I had a plan,” Regulus murmured, still sounding rather worried. “I had a plan. He’d feel smart for figuring us out, and he wouldn’t be mad. I had a plan, James.”
“I know,” James assured him, a hand cupping his cheek gently. James had a way of bringing him right back down to earth, calming him with a simple touch, his voice a soothing beacon reminding Regulus he wasn’t alone anymore. But he was frowning, slightly, his eyebrows drawn together. “We should have just told him, though.”
Regulus shook his head, tugging himself away from his boyfriend. “No, we shouldn’t have.”
"Come on, Reg,” James sighed. “If we’d have told him, we could have avoided this.”
“Or it could have been worse!” He snapped. He felt particularly prickly today. “I know you know him just as well as I do. Can you honestly tell me that sitting down, and explaining this to him would have gone over well?”
“Might have gone better than that!” James attempted to argue, although he sounded quite tired. He probably was. The Black brothers were rather a lot to deal with, no matter how well you knew and loved them. And it happened to be James who was so often caught in the middle.
“Would have just given him a better opportunity to fight,” Regulus shrugged, crossing his room to his window. He pushed it open, feeling too warm even though the air outside was still cold. “Did you just shout at him?”
“I rose my voice a little bit, I wouldn’t say I shouted,” James confessed.
“What did you say?”
“I said that he needed to find out a better way to communicate with you. He tends to jump down your throat when he tries to show genuine concern. He needs to figure out a better way to talk about how he really feels,” he sighed, running a hand down his face as he went.
“You’re defending him,” Regulus pointed out.
“Yes, well, you do the same thing,” he murmured. Regulus turned on him, quickly, eyes blazing with a fire that James didn’t shy away from, his fingers scratching his throat carefully. “You do. You know you do. If the roles were reversed, you’d jump down his throat. You just did, in fact, because he thought we were joking. You jumped at the chance to have a go at him, the same way he does you. It’s painful to watch because you’re both too stubborn to admit to yourselves you want to be better for each other.”
Regulus grimaced, his eyes pricking with tears again as he looked at his boyfriend. “You don’t know what you’re talking about, James.”
“I do. You know I do. I know him better than anyone, and I’d like to think I know you the same!” He seemed tired. Regulus couldn’t shake that thought. He was tired. Maybe James was tired of him. He could be. Regulus came with messy territory. Maybe James hadn’t thought the whole thing through. He’d gotten caught up in the idea of love, rather than the reality of it.
Regulus was a bundle of nerves as he took a few harsh breaths, James approaching him cautiously. “Reggie,” he attempted to catch his attention. “Regulus.”
“I’m sorry,” he bit out, words sour in his mouth. James frowned down at him, pulling him in once again. “ I don’t want to lose anyone…”
“Hey,” James soothed, his hand petting the back of Regulus’ head. “You’re not going to lose anyone, okay? I’m here. I’m always here.” He pressed a gentle kiss to his temple, his voice still low. “And Sirius… He needs time. You both need time. But you’ll be okay, okay? He knows you’re not like them. I know you’re not like them. You’re nothing like them.”
Regulus burrowed his head into James’ neck, trauma from years finally releasing itself in his heartbreaking silent tears. “You’re the best thing to happen to me, James,” he whispered after a few moments.
“You’ll be okay, Reggie. You’re gonna be okay.”