Chapter 24
“I’m dying for a fag,” Regulus bit out.
“You’re probably dying from fags, Reggie,” James whispered back. Regulus rolled his eyes, fixing his tie. It was Christmas Eve. They’d miraculously made it through the week, not venturing out of the house again, but instead hanging more decorations for James’ mother, and watching more films. Regulus had helped Fleamont wrap presents, and Euphemia bake biscuits, and the whole week felt sort of like a dream. In the run-up to Christmas at his house, the week was often dreaded, servants stumbling around, while his mother screamed orders, and his father locked himself in his study to ‘work more’.
The week had been refreshing. There was a nagging part of his brain that was a bubble of worry, ready to burst at any moment. But he attempted to push it away.
“Putting on a suit always makes me crave one. And I haven’t had one since Hogwarts!” Regulus defended. They were standing in James’ room because James had requested help with his tie. He had gotten sidetracked, though, writing a Christmas card for one of the family friends who was apparently on her way to the house. Regulus was staring at himself in the mirror, fixing his tie again. He felt nervous.
James stood up straight after finally finishing the card, he slipped it into the envelope, looking over at Regulus. “You’ve Pavlov’s dogged yourself into smoking at family functions”
“I have not!” Regulus defended, glaring at his friend.
“Sure sounds like you have,” James shrugged, wandering towards him. He was wearing a bowtie, which was what was causing the difficulty. It hung around his neck, his white shirt buttoned up to the top. He looked like he’d stepped out of a fashion magazine, with his dark hair tousled atop his head. “You can have one later.”
“Later?” Regulus questioned, stepping forward to meet him. His hands rose instinctively, and his mind began calculating how to do up a bowtie from the opposite perspective. James lifted his chin ever so slightly, leaving more room for Regulus to work. Regulus worked as quickly as he could, the close proximity making his heartbeat a bit too fast for his liking, as James watched him closely.
“After the party. If my parents find out you smoke they’ll kill me,” he explained.
“Well, they wouldn’t have to know you smoke too!” Regulus defended, attempting a knot.
James lifted a shoulder to shrug, messing Regulus up, causing the shorter to glare. “I don’t smoke!” He defended himself, weakly.
“You’re in denial.”
“I don’t!” Regulus squinted at his handy work, his fingers delicately straightening it as James continued. “Don’t go telling people I do, either! It’s a nasty habit. I think you peer pressure me.”
“I think you’re overdramatic,” Regulus sounded, giving one final adjustment. He stepped back, tilting his head to nod. “Okay, you’re done.”
James stepped around Regulus, looking in the mirror. “You’re a lifesaver.”
“Why do you have a bowtie if you can’t tie them?”
“Who said I can’t tie them?” James rose an eyebrow.
“You?” Regulus suggested.
“I just needed a hand. Usually, I can kind of do it,” he shrugged. He turned back to Regulus, lopsided grin on his face. “Thank you, Reggie.”
“No problem.”
“Do I look okay?” James glanced himself up and down.
Regulus wracked his brain, attempting to remember what guys said to their guy friends. There was probably something completely normal to say. Something which wouldn’t make James Potter blush like he did when Regulus mumbled a soft “beautiful.”
“I mean, good, I think. The bowtie is the best bit, obviously,” he attempted to cover his tracks. James’ lips parted as if he had something to say. But he didn’t speak. He just watched Regulus for a few moments before nodding slowly.
“You look good too,” James said suddenly, the silence shattering. “The green is nice!”
Regulus’ suit was dark green, and Regulus was sure it made him look too pale. But he looked down, averting his eyes as he nodded. “We should get downstairs, I suppose.”
“We should,” James agreed, eyes travelling up and down Regulus’ frame once again. Regulus watched him closely, waiting for him to say something else. But he didn’t. He walked out of the room, scooping the card up on his way past.
Regulus followed him, letting one hand slip into his trousers pocket. They walked around the landing, both of them slowing to walk down the grand staircase, as Effy clapped her hands together. “Look at you both!! Beautiful boys!”
“Mum!” James weakly protested but beamed nonetheless. He hugged her once he reached the ground floor. Regulus hesitated on the step behind her until she let go of her son, looking at the decorations around the entrance. He stepped down to the ground, still looking around before startling as Effy threw her arms around him, pulling him into her.
“Regulus! You look positively dashing!” She grinned at him as she pulled away, smoothing his shoulders. “So handsome. You be careful around the Hughe’s girls! They’ll fall over themselves to get your attention.”
He laughed along with her as she turned back to James who was watching them both with an unreadable expression. “Your father wants you to fix up the music again, Jamie. I think he forgets how to do it every time you show him!” James nodded quickly, leaving them. Effy grinned at him again. “You can relax Regulus. You’ve been an angel this past week, helping with everything! But you’re officially off the clock tonight!”
“Well, if you do need anything, just let me know,” he offered, smiling.
“I will, I will!” She walked off, her dress sweeping behind her as she went. She looked very Christmassy, her husband in a matching tie across the room. Music flooded the room after a few moments, James obviously fixing it.
James made his way back to Regulus, his hands in his trousers pockets as he went, looking almost too casual. “We should start drinking or the night will be far too long.”
“I like your way of thinking, Jamie,” Regulus grinned, making his host duck his head.
The arrival of guests appeared to happen in a flurry, the hall filling up, occasional people scattering to the living room or the library. James did his best to greet many of the people who’d known him for so long, while Regulus occasionally smiled at some, making small talk with others. A few of them knew him or at least knew his family but none dared ask why he wasn’t at his own house for the holidays.
There were nibbles for food, all the party essentials, handmade by Effy. Regulus didn’t have any, though, worried about dropping something on his suit and making a bad impression. He felt it all too important to continue charming James’ parents, although he had no idea why.
“They’ll switch from Christmas to 70’s hits soon,” James informed him. “They won’t shut up shop till the early hours.”
“It’s fun,” Regulus shrugged, taking a long sip of the whiskey which Monty had supplied him with. James was on whiskey too, but Regulus was sure he wasn’t enjoying it. He wasn’t a whiskey drinker.
“Well, maybe more fun than the parties you usually attend this time of year,” James murmured. “You couldn’t pay me to attend another one of your mother's charity events.”
“At least you’d be allowed at them,” Regulus bit out. James frowned at that, obviously regretting his words, but he didn’t say anything, allowing Regulus to continue. “Your parents have a lot of friends.”
“They’re popular people,” their son supplied.
“I suppose they passed it down to you.”
“I wouldn’t say I’m popular,” James lazily tipped a mouthful of his drink into his mouth, lips pursing as he swallowed.
Regulus reached out, taking the glass from him, making his way to the drinks table which had been neatly laid out. He didn’t bother to check if James followed, he knew he was. “Okay, head boy.”
“You say it like an insult.”
“I do,” Regulus nodded, setting down the whiskey glass. James let out a surprised sort of laugh.
Regulus reached across the table for a fresh glass, pouring fresh gin into it, with a healthy drop of tonic water. He handed it to James, who eyed it before taking a small sip. “Thank you.”
“You hate whiskey, stupid to start on it,” Regulus shrugged, topping up his own drink.
“You like it.”
“We have different tastes,” Regulus informed him.
“I suppose we do,” was all James could say, taking another sip of the drink.
The music changed, Frank Sinatra getting drowned out by Blondie, which a few of the drunker adults actually cheered about. They appeared to be getting more riled up as the evening continued, the mingling chit chat getting louder and louder. It almost dizzied Regulus’ head. He looked around for a moment, eyes travelling over the few adults who had began swaying. He took another sip of his drink. He wasn’t nearly drunk, despite having had a few drinks over the past hours of the party. But he was peacefully buzzed.
James looked tipsy, just slightly, his cheeks redder than usual, and his eyes brighter. He wasn’t drunk, though. He just smiled more, following Regulus’ line of vision. “We should go.”
“Go?” Regulus tilted his head.
“Smoke?” James said it as if it were obvious. Regulus dumbly nodded, knocking back another gulp of his drink. James did the same, abandoning his glass on the table next to Regulus’. “Do you need to get them?”
“I have them,” Regulus assured him, tapping his blazer pocket.
James smirked at that, turning away to lead Regulus towards the kitchen, to get to the backdoor. No one really seemed to notice them slipping away, although Regulus didn’t attempt to check. He kept his head down, following James until the music was gone, and the back door was unlocked. They both stepped into the cold Christmas Eve air. It had, in fact, snowed the night James predicted. And was still doing so, although much lighter now. Their feet still crunched under the fresh snow as they stepped out, the gravel almost completely covered around the back.
James pulled the door closed behind Regulus, leaning against the cold wall as Regulus fetched his pack from his pocket, slipping out a single cigarette, along with his lighter. James watched him, waiting for something which Regulus wasn’t giving up as he slid the cigarette between his lips, sucking in as he lit it.
He took a sharp inhale, almost coughing as the nicotine flooded his lungs. It had been far too long since his last. He wasn’t addicted, he would swear, but he enjoyed them far too much to cut them out altogether. He released the smoke slowly, some of it drifting in James’ face. The taller frowned. “Where’s mine?”
“You don’t smoke, remember?” Regulus innocently shrugged, taking another drag. James’ pupils seemed to grow bigger as he watched, his eyes tracing over Regulus’ cheeks, down to his lips, down to his throat. Regulus had loosened his tie back inside, feeling too warm in the busy room. James seemed to notice, or Regulus assumed that was what he was staring at.
“Give me a drag anyway?” He requested. Regulus handed it over, watching as James’ eyes flickered closed as he took a breath. “God, that’s nice.”
“You’re terrible,” Regulus shook his head, holding out a hand for the cigarette.
“You love it.” James slid his fingers in between Regulus’ passing his cigarette to the opposite in order to take another drag. Regulus looked at his hand, which had been captured. James dropped their hands by his side, forcing Regulus to step closer to him, instinctively. “Here.”
He handed it back, Regulus taking it with his free hand. He took a long drag, trying to ignore the bubble about to burst, filling his brain with thoughts. He took another 3 drags in succession, trying to think clearly before finally shaking his head. “James, you’re holding my hand.”
“Mhm,” James pulled the cigarette back, closing his eyes as he took another drag.
“Well, stop,” Regulus requested, making no move to actually dislodge his hand.
James squinted, looking down at Regulus. The inches between them felt far too big now. Regulus felt short. “I thought you liked me.”
Regulus tried not to gawk. “I do,” he let out the strangled start to his sentence. “Which is why it’s.. Cruel to do stuff like that!”
“Like hold your hand?” James questioned.
“Yes!” Regulus snapped.
James took another drag, blowing the smoke from the side of his mouth as if to avoid Regulus. It was considerate. Regulus watched him closely, feeling warm just by standing so close to him. “So, it’s cruel to hold your hand?” He seemed to be double-checking.
“Horribly so,” Regulus informed him.
“It would be worse to kiss you, then?” He enquired, and Regulus almost choked on nothing. He opened his mouth, ready with a snappy answer, but James was finally letting go of his hand, causing him to look down slightly. But the same hand which had once delicately held his hand was now guiding his chin up, until Regulus was meeting James’ eyes again.
James was the one to lean in, capturing Regulus’ lips in a slow, gentle kiss, making Regulus sure his heart had stopped. He was frozen for a few moments, maybe milliseconds, before his mouth caught up, moving in sync with James’ as the kiss deepened. He felt like his chest was on fire, as his hands nervously snaked their way towards James’ neck, one lingering on the side of his neck while the other landed on his jaw. He was more surprised than he should have been when James’ tongue slipped into his mouth, the sensation jolting through his entire body. He must have jumped, ever so slightly, because James’ other hand, which was still holding a cigarette, if Regulus wasn’t mistaken, flew to his hip, stilling him as James continued exploring Regulus’ mouth.
James tasted like gin and cigarettes and was warm and inviting, and Regulus had dreamt of this for far too long to even think about pulling away. But he did because he had to. He pulled his face back, staring up at James who looked red and still had his eyes closed. He slowly blinked them open as Regulus dropped his hands, ducking his head away from James’ hand. He reached down to his hip, plucking the cigarette from James’ fingers. He took a long drag, stepping fully away from James who was watching him.
He shook his head, staring at the sky as he took another drag. “Why did you do that?”
“Kiss you?” James questioned.
“Obviously,” Regulus huffed.
James huffed what sounded like a laugh. “I wanted to.”
“You wanted to?”
“Needed to,” James expanded. Regulus looked over at him, from the side of his eye. Regulus shook his head again, looking at the sky again. “I needed to be sure.”
“Be sure of what?” Regulus found his voice sounded hard. He was slowly crawling into a shell. Crawling away from James, and the can of worms this could open. Everything had shifted. Everything. There would be no going back now. There was the James and Regulus aware of where they stood, with Regulus hopelessly pining and James oblivious. And now there was James and Regulus, unaware of everything, with Regulus hopelessly pining, but James aware, and apparently messing with Regulus in drunken boredom.
James didn’t say anything for a few seconds, walking forwards to stand beside Regulus. “I’ve been thinking about it all. For longer than I realised, probably. Since the summer, maybe.. I’ve just been reconsidering everything.” Regulus didn’t say anything, scuffing his shoe into the snow. He was only wearing vans, so they’d no doubt soak through. He tried to focus on that as James continued. “I told you the first day you met Lily that something felt off, and it took me months to figure out what it was, but I finally did.”
Regulus took a final drag of the cigarette, dropping it into the snow as he exhaled. “And what was it?” His heartbeat in anticipation for what the elder would say. He felt queasy and uncertain, and his mouth felt dry as he waited the few seconds which felt like decades.
But then James finally said it.
“She just wasn’t you.”