Dark Silk Threads and Half-Said Goodbyes.
It is bizarre, to think that her biggest challenges at the beginning of that same morning were the way Marlene paid Dorcas for a lost bet she was not informed of while Mary stared at her, mouth wide open, not to mention the knowing look Professor Mcgonagall gave her at breakfast. She focused, then, on the way Sirius entangled his feet with Remus' beneath the table and on the loving look Remus gave him after the initial shock that had brought. At the same time, she resolved to ignore James and the way he looked at her with that identical glaze she had seen so many times directed at the pair or even at Peter.
And speaking of Peter… She thought that, after the day before, they would be back at it again (it being their usual mess and long term friendship); but apparently not: the rat-looking boy was chatting casually with a couple of girls on the opposite side of the table and purposefully ignoring the rest of the marauders.
“James, what is going on with Peter?” She asked him while he drank a sip of his morning tea.
“He just doesn't feel included, he thinks we leave him out of everything.” Remus answered on his mate's behalf.
“And… Do you?”
“Of course not!” Sirius exclaimed. “He's being a self-centred prick.”
Lily left the marauders to return to her own group just after that, although she had promised them to join their chess tournament later (it would take place, James said, in the Gryffindor common room that evening).
It was during Transfiguration when she realised that her own friends knew something she did not.
“Are you going to tell me what is going on?” She questioned in a low voice.
“Well, well, well,” Marlene teased her, “look who is misbehaving in class for once!”
“Speak out, Mckinnon!” She insisted.
“No, it is you who has to speak out…” Marlene corrected her. “Where were you last night? And since when are you friendly with the devil's spawn?”
“He's not…! ” Lily stuttered. “Look, he's going through something and has grown a great deal, like, mentally.”
“Aham…”
“It's true!” She insisted. “It turns out that he really did like me all those years back and we have decided to establish a friendship.”
“No shit Sherlock!” Mary piped in while Marlene stared at her in a clueless expression, clearly trying to figure out what she was saying.
“A friendship! A friendship!” Dorcas exclaimed in exasperation, oblivious of McGonagall's warning glaze. “This is going to be the end of me! I swear to Merlin… If I am not a bridesmaid at their wedding, I am going to make a fuss and ruin the happy day!”
“Miss McDonald!” McGonagall yelled at Mary, like usual, catching the most innocent person out of the lot. “If you are that interested in meddling with other people's love lives, you can do so outside of this sacred building!”
Lily turned red and Sirius, sitting beside Remus two rows away from them, snorted at the look of her face.
“Mr Black!” She then called him out. “You shall follow Miss McDonald' lead if you do not learn to behave properly!”
“Nah, Minny, I'm sorry, truly, it won't happen again.” Sirius answered. “And please do not call me that, by the way, there is no need to remind me of my biggest misfortunes each time I misbehave.”
To her surprise, professor McGonagall nodded and walked away. Just like that, he had gotten away with it.
The day went by peacefully, it almost seemed like they were living the old times—those where they could be only children—there they were, fighting at opposite sides of the chessboard, girls against boys, two sides of the same coin, with the only difference being that, as usually, only one of them was raising the winner's butterbeer cup.
She, to this date, has no idea about how Sirius gets all of those butterbeers (one solely for the winner during the week and a bunch of them, along with firewhisky, on weekends), but she has learnt not to ask—sometimes, like Marlene told her all those years ago, it is better to go along with it and have fun.
Either way, the harmless chaos was broken by a sudden letter and a collective attack of cold sweats (at least, on the boys' team). Sirius was the first one to react, reaching the letter before the owl could drop it on his lap. He tore the envelope apart and read the few lines written with hungry eyes.
“What does it say?” James asked, struggling to read behind Sirius' shoulder.
Remus bent forwards, they put their heads together and entered a world neither of them was invited in. Lily felt like she was intruding on a private conversation, although it was more than that, it was almost as if they were prying an unspoken and unrehearsed connection between linked souls.
Peter must have noticed this too, because he got up and left. Lily had always felt kind of uneasy around Peter, she did not know why and it made no sense at all because, right from the start, they had been, the both of them, two outsiders, the weird kids who didn't belong in a world founded by the popular kids of school.
The truth was that, even though Peter was a half-blood and Lily a proud muggleborn, they were similar in a way: they did not belong, but were too proud to give up and return home. The difference laid in a crucial decision Lily made after arriving at Hogwarts: she had promised herself, way back then, that she would deserve this gift, that she would work twice as hard, that she would sacrifice thrice as much to succeed in a world where more than half of her counterparts would not bat an eye at her regardless, just because, apparently, she had been born in the wrong family.
Peter, on the contrary, had taken quite a different approach on the matter. He had surrounded himself by these giants, who had it so easy—not necessarily because of their births, only James could say such a thing; but mostly because they had the courage and the talent to make it seem so.
As Remus, the last of them, read the letter, Lily realised that anyone would have felt insecure being in a friend group with them three: Firstly, the leader of the group, James, and there he was, the lion with a heart of gold, loyal to a fault but holder of strength he often misused, harming people in the process; beside him, sat Remus, whose worst enemy had always been locked inside his skin, barely visible for the rest of the world but constantly present in his eyes, in the way his skin crawled and his bones broke once the full moon was up; and lastly, we have Sirius… Sirius! Who was born trapped in a cage made of gold but fully dark on the inside! Sirius! Who, by the sound of it, fought evil at home and rested at school! Who refused to be dragged by the darkness and stood bravely side by side with it, looking, always, at the light!
Who was Peter Pettigrew compared to them? No one, he was no one because he had never wanted to be, because he felt protected next to those stronger and always played to win. Lily could not really judge him, because, not long ago, she had been just as scared, just as weak, but there was something…, there was this look in his eyes that always made her reach for her wand.
She shook her head: she had known, even in the heat of the moment, that Peter Pettigrew wasn't by far the biggest problem they would deal with that day. She ignored her friends' stares and followed them upstairs.
“Where do you think you are going, Lily?” James bellowed once they reached their bedroom.
“Don´t be a dickhead, I told you yesterday I would help.” She fought back.
“She did?” Sirius questioned, astonished.
“I told you I do not need to know everything, just let me help you…”
Remus snorted.
“Honestly, with that brain of hers, she'll catch on before we know it.” He affirmed in a mocking expression. “But let her, she is trustworthy.”
James looked at Sirius, it was clear that the final decision was his to make, and, after a few moments, he nodded, causing her to let out a contained but victorious yell.
“Now, get the invisibility cloak, that map of yours, and let go!” She encouraged James.
The boy in question choked with his own saliva and almost fell down the stairs.
“Honestly, James! Don't be such a child! I caught Sirius with the map last year on my prefect round and you revealed to me your precious secret yesterday!”
“You did what?” James yelled just while Sirius died of laughter in Remus´arms.
The pair stayed close, the smaller boy shaking in the taller one's arms, and, despite the situation, Lily's heart melted (just a little).
“I bargained with her.” Sirius bragged.
“You did not. I let you get away with it because 1) I am a good person, and 2) Such a power in Filch's hands for anyone to see would not let me sleep at night.”
“Now, where were we, boys?” Lily caught their attention. “Let´s get into business.”
That is how she got into this mess, and that is how, at noon, she finds herself walking by their side through a dark and inhabited corridor, looking for no more and no less than Regulus Arcturus Black.
“Are you sure he is coming?” Lily asks for what it feels the hundredth time.
“Yes!” Sirius mutters in an angry tone. “A member of The House of Black cannot lie. ”
“Can´t they?” Remus questioned, honestly incredulous.
“I'm telling the truth, love.” Sirius assured him, containing a satisfied grin after noticing Remus' blush. “Hence, why Mr and Mrs Black resolved not to talk to me a long time ago. ”
“They are geniuses at manipulating their words, though” He added, oblivious to their concerned stares.
“But you… you… Sirius! You lie all the time!” James exclaimed.
“Oh yes.” Sirius admitted “I gained the ability after being sorted into Gryffindor. It was a traumatic experience at the time, mind me, but now… I am incredibly proud of it.”
“Huh.”
They walk down the stairs and turn left. As they enter the dungeons, an invisible hand pulls Sirius against the wall and the rest of them get their wands out, purely out of instinct.
“Reggie, for Merlin´s balls!” Sirius yells. “Quit showing off your advanced magical abilities, they are my friends!”
A body materialises out of nothing, and Regulus Black, not as tall as his brother or as cheerful looking, hugs his attaquer briefly, although Lily notices how he never seems to let go of the other boy's thumb. Lily wonders, for a moment, if it is a message of a sort between them, if, in a house where emotions were not allowed, Regulus Black, accustomed on grabbing his older brother's thumb on stormy nights (those ones during which any other child in any other house would wet the bed or, maybe, turn to their parents looking for comfort, crying out loud and sucking their own thumb).
“You are alright!” The youngest out of them mutters, “you are alive!”
“Me?" Sirius lets out a delighted laugh at the same time he grabs Regulus' forearm and sees it clean. His face falls, though, once he sees the black around the other boy's right eye. He grabs his chin and inspects his features.
“Who has done this to you?” He asks in anger. “Mr and Mrs Black don´t leave bruises, so who is it?” And Lily, who did not expect Sirius to admit such a blatant physical violence happening in his old home, feels herself going sick, her stomach all over the place at the mere thought, at the kind of situations the pair of brothers must have been put through.
“Let go of me!” Regulus spits. “Are they just Mr and Mrs Black to you? What am I, then? Am I going to be the heir of the house of Black from now on? ”
“”Of course not!” Sirius mumbles. “Now answer me!”
“What happens inside my house doesn't concern you!, any of you!” He points at them with a shaky finger. “Do you understand? If I am no one to you, I don't owe you answers, Mr Potter.”
He pronounces that last name in a tone of voice full of hatred and it takes Lily a moment to comprehend who he is talking to; because, although James, besides her, holds his wand in anger, it is Sirius Regulus is looking at, it is Sirius who points at his own brother and has to be stopped by Remus (possibly the only one he would listen to in this situation).
“You are my brother, you stupid big-headed prick.” Sirius proclaims. “You are always going to be part of my family, but James and his parents are also a huge part of that group, just as my friends are. And no, Mr and Mrs Black are not considered so anymore, they stopped acting like our parents a long time ago and they do not deserve to hold that much power over me… I will not let them control my life…, and neither should you!”
“Reggie” His voice breaks, and Lily, who had never seen Sirius cry and thought he was somehow immune to the concept, feels herself the need to do the same, because, a long time ago, she would have sworn Sirius Black lived in a happier and brighter version of the world—one full of mischief and pranks where every harm ever caused was quickly erased from his memory—and she would have died on that hill.
Now, however, she wonders whether he had ever been happy before Hogwarts, if the first time he felt a wave of laughter he immediately got weirded out and thought there was something wrong with him; or if he had always been the brightest star in the sky, even in difficult times; if he, alongside with Regulus, had spent his childhood carving an endless desert with bare hands in search of the joyful world regular toddlers lived in (at least, until they were old enough to understand Santa was never real and, when bad things happened to good people, there was no one there to revert the damage).
“Come home with me this Christmas. We can make it!”
“Home? Where is home?” Regulus questions. “Is it, for you, with the Potters? Because I already have a home Sirius, and that home is in Grimmauld Place, and I already have parents, and those are Walburga and Orion Black, and I have always belong to my house, that house I'll inherit one day, that house I will change from the inside.”
“That should not be anyone's home.” Sirius grunts.
“True,” Regulus´s smile does not reach his eyes: it is bittersweet, at best, the kind of grin a person without hope would make on their way to the end of a path “it is shitty, but it is still my home and I shall not abandon it if it means putting you in danger.”
“So that is what all of this is about!” James approaches the brothers gingerly, although his face is, in that precise moment, entirely bitter. “We can make it work, Regulus. You only have to talk to them regularly until Christmas, make them think everything is going smoothly, you know? Then, the last day before the holidays, before everyone leaves the castle, you go to Dumbledore's office, he'd let you use the floo powders to go to my place if my parents asked, I'm sure…”
Lily is also sure: why wouldn't he? Everyone knows Professor Dumbledore is a good person and the best wizard ever born (after Merlin, of course), so why wouldn't he? Regulus, though, does not seem to share their opinion, because he scoffs subtlety and eventually frowns, from what it looks like, in a mixture of shock and disgust.
“I want nothing to do with the old man!” He proclaims. “Besides, that is not how this works. I saw you die, Sirius, you almost died in my arms and all I could do was throw you into the chimney and hope for the best!”
As he vanishes, showing off wordless magic he should not be able to do you just yet, he says his last words.
“If I want you to live, to fight in the side of the light, the side you were always meant to join, I shall remain in the dark. It is what it is, Sirius, one Black brother per side, balance must remain equal: the Dark Lord will claim me on my sixteenth birthday and Dumbledore would be a fool if he did not summon you—he will, sooner rather than later.”
“Do not contact me, Sirius… Do not bother to contact a death eater.” By the time he finishes speaking, he is completely invisible, it would be the last they would see of Regulus Black upclose in a long time. “The world must believe we are enemies and we shall play those roles.”
He never gets to say goodbye.
Sirius spends the rest of the night sobbing against Remus' shoulder, he would not stop until he finally went to sleep, and Lily sits next to James by the window; she listens to the darkest tale she had heard in a long time and thinks… She wonders when the world became a place she stopped welcome into. Maybe it was always that way, maybe, when those mean boys and girls at her old school mocked her for her weight or her hair, they were giving her a fair warning: Lily Evans was not made for this world, but she would be, she would find a spot, or she would made it herself if necessary, she would open a way through with molten iron.