9
Hermione had felt terrible. The horcrux hunt was supposed to be the trios. They were not
allowed to tell anyone about it, partly because not everyone could throw off the imperious curse or occlude, plus veritaserum made it impossible to lie. This was the trios, this hunt belonged to them. Harry and Ron would be furious with her. It's not fair of her to do this without consulting with them first, but she knew they wouldn't approve. She was doing it to save them. After the war she would tell them, and they would understand.
As much as she told herself they would understand when it was all over she couldn't shake the feeling that she was betraying them.
They had been her best friends since they were eleven. They had fought all of their fights together since then. She was betraying her best friends. They would hate her.
What would she tell them if Malfoy found a horcrux? They would ask questions that she couldn't answer. She never wanted to lie to them, but what she was doing was to save them. She wanted to save them all. Everything she was doing, she was doing it all for love.
She was willingly throwing herself into deaths arms so that they took from her and left everyone else untouched. But she still felt terrible. Doing things behind their backs made her feel sick.
She wanted to tell them everything that was happening but she couldn't. Nobody could know until after the war.
If they survived.
Madam Pomfrey told her to take the day off as they only had a few people in the hospital ward and she was unneeded.
Malfoy had been providing them with very useful information to the order. He had saved them from raids. He had given them floor plans to inner circle members. Malfoy had saved hundreds of lives.
Because of him the hospital was nearly empty other than a few sick patients.
Hermione had no obligations to attend to for the next few days. She wished she could spend time with Ginny. They hadn't actually spent time together in so long. They used to be so close, and now they hardly spoke. Ginny and Harry spent every free moment together. Harry was terrified of losing her so they spent anytime they could together.
Ron was busy snogging anyone with two sets of lips. Lately it was Lavender Brown. They had been spending so much time together the last few months.
Hermione thought Lavender was an annoying git. She was always blabbing about Ronald or setting things on fire. Lavender had special talent of accidentally setting things of fire. It came in handy during battle as she could seriously injure quite a few death eaters, but sometimes it also burned some of the order too.
She was like the female version of Seamus.
Hermione got lonely often. Watching all of her friends go to raids together or laughing over dinner got tiring. Nobody seemed to notice Hermione was alone most of the time.
She considered dosing herself with dreamless sleep and forgetting everything for the rest of the day. But she was one to follow rules.
If Hermione had taken more potions than she was allowed, nobody would know. She was in charge of keeping track of inventory. If she changed numbers nobody would suspect a thing, let alone her. Hermione Granger, the 'golden girl' in school she was a stickler for rule following.
Hermione wishes she could do something to take the edge off. She's so tired of having feelings. Everything she was doing was so painful and draining emotionally. Constantly watching people die and risking her life for her friends took so much from her.
She would do anything now to stop the feelings.
Neville spent his days getting high, she often thought about joining him but she couldn't allow herself, she had a job. If something unexpected happened they would need her in the hospital. She couldn't perform her job if she was intoxicated.
Alcohol was a different story. She could get as drunk as she wanted and if she was needed they had sobering potions readily available.
She desperately wished for someone to care. Someone to talk to about how she felt.
Malfoy talked to her, he talked to her like she was real, like she was an adult. He treated her like a human who wasn't a burden to everyone.
But everytime they talked there was tension between them. They were holding back from each other. They had built up anger towards each other that they couldn't shake off.
Their anger had always found a way to get in the middle.
She was angry with him, and with everyone else. They made her feel small and isolated.
Hermione walked down a muggle street. The summer air was slightly chilly. Tears running down her cheeks made her face colder. She came to the conclusion that she was going to get absolutely pissed tonight.
She made her way down the street watching people converse with one another and laugh. She missed laughing.
She wonders if this is a good idea. Hermione is not a fun drunk. She cries, and she's messy. She is a sloppy drunk. Drinking infront of people she does not know does not sound pleasant. Perhaps crying by herself in her own pity party would be more comfortable.
She finds a market and buys a box of pink wine called sunset blush. It was cheap and could get the job done.
Hermione didn't have anywhere to go. If she drank at Grimmauld place her violent drunk sobs would raise suspicion from the other members and she would be questioned. She didn't feel like answering questions.
There was only one other place she could cry in peace.
She sits on the floor of the shack in the forest of dean.
Sometimes she wishes she could leave her friends and stay here. Would anyone notice if she ran away? She doubted it.
She hadn't eaten anything so the alcohol would hit her fairly fast.
Her fingers trace patterns in the dirt on the wooden floors. She writes her name in different fonts. She writes different runes and goes over their meanings in her head.
Hermione had that familiar feeling of warmth circling her body. The tears began prickling her eyes, she could feel the flood gates about to burst.
Nobody would realize she was gone. She had plenty of time to wallow is self pity for several hours.
She lay down on the floor in a starfish position, she stare at the ceiling while the tears stream down her hot face.
She cried because she was angry. She was angry at Harry and Ronald. She wanted to punch Kingsley in the face for putting this on her. He knew she couldn't say no.
She always wanted to punch Malfoy. She was still so angry at him even though she knew he didn't choose this. He was forced into this lifestyle because he didn't want to die and she was angry at him.
That made her cry harder. She was so selfish.
Her body lay shaking on the floor as sobs escape from her throat.
She hated herself. Could she get more pathetic?
She was so angry.
Hermione stood up. She wiped her tears with the back of her hand. Now she could see clearly. She pulls her wand out and aimed at the sofa. "Reducto" She shouts and the couch blasts open. Stuffing flying out all over the floor.
Now she turns so a window and does the same thing. She watches as glass shards fly around her. There's a sharp pain on her shoulder. Blood begins to paint her blush colored jumper. She watches as it turns from a blush pink to scarlet.
This feels good.
She was so angry. Turning that anger into something else felt good. Destroying things eased the anger growing inside her.
The shack was a mess of stuffing, glass, and wood all over the place.
The pain in her shoulder became noticeable now as her adrenaline had subsided. She needed to heal herself, but she didn't bring any supplies.
The tears began blurring her eyes again when she realized the mess she made. She was sobbing again. She sat down with her eyes in her palms. She was an ugly crier. Snot dribbled from her nose and mixed with her tears.
There was a loud crack and Malfoy was standing there staring at her with concern on his face.
"For Merlin's sake. What the fuck are you doing here? And what did you do to the shack it's in shambles."